36 Funny Quotes

funny valentine day quote
_____I don't always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer. (funny beer quote)
_____I'm going to do this weird, modern thing called "Posting original material."  I promise I don't work at the re-post office anymore.
_____Sometimes less is more....The less you say, the more I like you. (funny less is more)
_____I bought a new vacuum cleaner today and the f**king thing sucks!
_____You may have stolen my heart and broke it....but that's Ok...just keep it. That's not the part I'm going to be using to bang all your friends with anyways. (funny heart quote status)
_____people who live in stone houses shouldn't throw paper...u know..paper beats rock!!
_____I couldn't get the parking meter downtown to work and every a$$hole within 50 feet just stood there staring at me. I'm sure if I was a woman or wearing clothes THEN someone would offer to help....discrimination dumbers
_____My New Year's Resolution earlier this year was to give up Lent. Now, for Lent, I'm giving up my New Year's Resolution. That way, I get twice the disappointment at half the effort. (funny new year resolution)
_____I like your pants to be like an Adobe file. Unzipped.
_____Women are strange creatures, you can stare at them all day long and they just kinda divert your attention, but take a picture of their feet and all hell breaks loose.
_____ITS FUNNY HOW ALL TRUST GOES AWAY WHEN YOU CAN'T FIND THE REMOTE. "ARE YOU SITTING ON IT" "NO" "STAND UP"
_____Still waiting for my prince to come and rescue me.. and pound me endlessly into the night. ;)
_____Some guy next to me told me that he really likes my balls. After beating the living shit outta him, I remembered I was in a bowling ally.
_____I don't bite my tongue but I'd like to bite yours
_____My short term memory says "no" but my short term memory says "yes."
_____If you hack my account, please have the courtesy to spell curse words correctly. Because, you're making us both look bad. Thanks!
_____Saw a really hot pic of a chick on the Internet. First, had to download her. Then had to printer.
_____Sometimes I like to repost some of my older stuff just to see if you all are paying attention.
_____I took home an Oscar once ... At least I think that was his name. (funny Oscar Quote)
_____It's Sunday bitches! (How I greet the female dogs in my neighborhood.)
_____The only "likes" I will get will be from my illiterate friends, who don't care what I call them as long as my statuses look "pretty."
_____Hey beautiful, will you be my valentine? On 1st April? Please! (funny April Fool)
_____oo Hooo... finally been recognised for my knowledge... the Police have told the media I am their primary person of interest ...
_____You know when you've had your fun with a post or a pic and you're pretty much done with it but some jackass keeps coming back with crap and then you click on 'Unfollow post' and then that guy keeps tagging you in the comments..  I really need to stop doing that!
_____I decided I no longer need the approval of others. What do you guys think?
_____I don't like fake people that try to be nice to me, they are like an artificial sweetener..please be all natural with me and we will get along just fine.
_____Is currently taking my " i don't give a shit" attitude to a whole new level. Going upstairs now.
_____Everyone is always bitching about wanting a dislike button but I want a "did you actually just post that lame status....do us all a favor and just go kill yourself now" button. (funny unlike button)
_____Hey People, didn't realize this way a live feed, so go ahead, take your balls out of your girlfriend's purse and stop bitching.
_____My neighbor asked me draw a picture of him so i drew a huge D**k. I hope he likes it.
_____I have perfected the line "I've done all I can. He's in God's hands now...", just in case I one day have to perform emergency open heart surgery on someone in public, miles from the nearest hospital, with a butter knife and sticky tape. Because you never know..."
_____Keep getting this message.....Object cannot be liked. Must be because I don't like stupid shit.
_____I was at the circus last night and the same elephant I fed peanuts to 30 years ago, looked at me and said; "Hey Jaz"
_____This may come as a suprize to most of yoo, but I have a slite problem with speling.
_____Sometimes I sit on my hand until it falls asleep so it feels like someone else... When I punch you in the face
_____Dear teachers who always said I would never amount to much,  My bail has just been set at $100,000. So in your face, suckers

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