27 New Funny and Hilarious Facebook Status Updates

_______Eats my cereal in a cup and my cup of noodles in a bowl because I'm a rebel like that
_______I'm deleting the word common sense out of the dictionary because it just doesn't exist.
_______If you hide me in your news feed might as well unfriend me too.
_______They say 'fake it till you make it'. This panel interview has been going downhill from the second I told them I'm not 'really' a Harvard MBA Graduate.
_______If she's pretty and single.................she's a f**king psycho.
_______Of course I wouldn't touch you with a 10 foot pole, I would imagine that a 10 foot pole would be heavy and unwieldy to try to maneuver
_______I always yell at Chinese people walking their dogs because it's rude to play with your food.
_______I'm still on MySpace because, hey! I'm no quitter.
funny dictionary status

_______I wish I was this incredibly hilarious in real life.
_______What with everyone coming out of the closet nowadays, I find it ironic that the one place that homophobes might feel 'safe' nowadays is in the closet.
_______I'm gonna put a maxi pad on your mouth because they absorb odors in seconds.
_______Roman numerals are stupid. Trust me, my X was not a 10
_______My boyfriend said he didn't want to see me anymore so I stabbed his eyes out.
_______Sometimes I click 'like' because I like your post. Other times, I click 'like' because your post is like every other post I've ever seen.
_______I have decided I'm not going to focus on my past any more. So if I owe you money, tough shit...
_______I know that Lucky Charms are magically delicious.......But I think mushrooms would give them a run for their money.
_______I don't think that you are responsible enough to have a puppy until you have raised at least 2 children....
_______Whenever I run into an ex....I try to make sure no one else is around...because I pay ENOUGH for car insurance.
_______You know you're getting older when you start singing along to the songs in a grocery store.
_______I think I should have just kept you as my fantasy....you were better that way..
_______How to get rich, but not have a job..... Crap, this isn't Google search
_______I'm not a professional astronaut... but I can wear a fish-bowl on my head and do the moon walk for like an hour and half.
_______When I call you at 2am to ask "What you are up to"...you can safely assume that TALKING is the LAST thing I want to do.
_______Snitches get stitches....which also means that they APPARENTLY get a better insurance provider than me.
_______Balanism becomes a right pain in the a** after a while.
_______Telling a man that you want to have his baby...is a tender and romantic way...of letting that chatty mini mart cashier know...you are DONE talking.
_______Whenever I am driving past a school bus stop packed with kids...I ALWAYS make sure to slow down...cause I will BE DAMNED if I don't get asked to prom at least ONCE before I die.
_______Falling in love with someone you CAN'T have..is a GREAT indicator that you are visiting the WRONG human trafficking website.

You Might Also Like
Epic Statuses

Funny Love Status