21 New Funny, Witty, Hilarious and Clever Facebook Status Updates

_______ Why do we get that mini heart attack feeling when we leave to work without our phones???? we made it through the 80s and the 80s rocked.

_______I am so stoked. Some hot sexy guy said he was going to come over on February 29th. I can't wait. That is like tomorrow, right?
_______It's not over till the fat lady puts all your bags on the pavement and changes the locks and files a restraining order.

_______The best part of breaking up is using a grenade as a s*x toy one last time, pulling the pin, and running away, and watching her blow up

_______Hey I just met you and this is crazy but will you wipe my a**? I'm too lazy

_______My college mascot was basically just some n*de dude laying on a ping pong table slamming a beer bong.

_______I am SO High on life!! And this white powder smells AMAZING!!!

_______Good new is that my test came back negative! The bad new is that it was an IQ test...

_______I hate when someone calls me a "Son of a B!tch." Its like, have some respect, people. Just say "Your Mom is a B!tch." And leave me out of it

_______I've an alcohol problem, in that I can't afford any.

_______I think something ought to be done about all these passive smokers freeloading my secondhand smoke

_______Ever since I turned 40, I get really nervous when I see anyone putting on rubber gloves.

_______I'd like to give a big shout out to back-up BBQ Lighters for always being there for me when my regular lighter goes out.

_______Sometimes I run into strangers...and after holding them tight I make a fake call saying ''Mission Accomplished Boss".

_______I would post absolute brilliance but I understand my audience....

_______Ever since i got married , I wish real world conversations had a 140 character limit…

_______I wish dogs could talk.. Then we'd hear about all the weird freaky shit you fuckers do when nobody's around.

_______This guy sitting next to me says the smoke from my cigarette is bothering him....so I'm like... Hey mofo.... it's killing me but I'm not bitching about it.

_______You're not my first so don't flatter yourself. I've hated lots of people just as much as I hate you.

_______I'm at my most Oscar worthy when acting like I don't see someone I sort of know but definitely don't want to interact with.

_______Just mistook Kelly Clarkson for Justin Bieber on song pop. That won't happen again once he hits puberty and his voice changes.

_______Mmmmmm.... My toothbrush tastes like the kids cleaned the toilet again. Little bastards.

_______Just tried to poke an email. I may need help.

_______Careful what you ask for "ladies", I asked my husband if tonight, he thought he could make me scream with only two fingers ..... He poked me in the friggin eyes

_______Has anyone told you how extremely f**kalicious you look today ??

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