22 Funny Witty Hilarious and clever Facebook Status Updates

_______This one time... I curled my hair for like nine hours until I realized I was bald.

_______I have the madness all year round, not just March.

_______In a strange turn of events, my homework just ate my dog.
_______I don't always drink milf, but when I do it squirts all over me.
_______Nicki Minaj fired her makeup artist. So, if you've ever dreamed of loading blush, foundation and eyeliner into a cannon and firing it from point-blank range, have I got a job for you!
_______Sitting around with your thumb up your a$$ is a cute little sarcastic saying until it becomes your idea of a romantic evening.
_______That’s funny, my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I'm on my way home.
_______Excuse me Ma'am, I think that red nail polish you have in your front pocket, is open. You're welcome.
_______A woman got on the elevator, and said, "Going down." So naturally I started to unbuckle my pants. Apparently, that's not what she meant. She wanted me to push the button for the basement.
_______When people tell me they stopped drinking. My response is always, "Sorry to hear that."
_______I don't smoke, so every 45 min. I ask for a phone break. Fair is fair!
_______‎"Good things come to those who wait."  I call Bullshit! I've been sitting on this couch for 2 years and I still haven't found a job!
_______Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
_______Self medication ..the reason for my happiness..
_______After all that we've been through together, the least you could do is f**k off....
_______They say that playing an instrument fosters the mind of a gifted child .. and I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty good at playing the spoons.
_______Women are the foundation of our society; Every foundation has to be laid...

_______In honor of International Women Day, I am going to give every woman I can a pearl necklace tomorrow, because they deserve it.
_______You know you're growing up when you stop clubbin and start pub'in. :/
_______My old lady just slapped me so hard, I thought I went blind at first. I quickly realized when she slapped me a second time, it was the Clappers that I installed all over the house.
_______This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
_______going in for a colonoscopy soon,not that i need one,but i have looked everywhere else for the guest tv remote and it is a free exam since i turned 50 recently.
_______Sometimes I like to do amazing nice things for crappy, ungrateful people... because it pisses them off.

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