72 Funny Quotes

_______I wanted to start procrastinating today.........but I guess I'll just do it next week (procrastinating quote)
_______I know my wife's had an okay day at work if she takes all her rings off before beating me. (funny wife beating quote)
_______I've rode unicycles, motorcycles and bicycles. I need to learn how to ride a menstrualcycle, because my date says she's on hers. Can anyone give me tips. (tips quote)
_______i like my women like how i like my beer..............there is no real comparison.....i just really like women and i really like beer (funny beer women quote)
_______When it comes to women I'm always very selective.......I always go for women......who are willing to sleep with me (funny women sleep quote)
_______Ok, i have 10 slices of cake, and someone asks me for one. how many do i have left? Thats right, i got 10 left. :P (short joke)
_______You'll never be around more people that want to kill you than when you walk into a restaurant 5 minutes before they close.. (funny restaurant quote status)
_______My friend said onions are the only food that can make you cry so I hit him in the face with a can of corn  (funny onion quote status)
_______When the bank teller started to give me my balance this morning I pressed my fingers to her lips and said sssssssssh. (funniest famous bank balance quote status)
_______I've been using my doctor's diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer's to help me get out of certain situations..........Like telling my wife I don't remember marrying her  (funny Alzheimer's quote)
_______This guy I pass every morning on my way to work... always seems to have the day off and a beer in his hand. (funny beer day quotes)
_______That proud, shining moment when your 5 year old answers the phone and tells the telemarketer to hell off and to take whatever he's selling and shove it up his a**.  (famous funny telemarketer quote)
_______I accidentally pocket dialed 911 today. When they called back to ask what the problem was, I told them I must've had an emergency in my pants... (funny 911 pants emergency quote status)
_______I was the kid in band camp that played with his own flute  (famous funny quote)
_______Of course honey.. I understand exactly what you're NOT talking about. ~ every dude going through the "silent treatment".  (funny silent treatment quote)
_______I always get confused when my friend tells me he sees me tomorrow being that he is blind and all.  (confused quotes)
_______Women can be so blind sometimes ......... Apparently they can't see that I'm one of those small packages that good things come in (great funny quotes)
_______I never met a person I did not like, that is until I met you. (shortest sarcastic quote)
_______I'm not a mind reader!!!....and even if I was I wouldn't waste my time on third grade level...  (funniest great sarcastic quote status)
_______Wife said "Who are you texting all the time?" "Are you having an affair?" I said "No, it's more like I'm having one giant comedic 0rgy party in the matrix!" (funny wife status joke)
_______You know u had a rough childhood when u fell asleep on the couch.....and woke up back on the couch (best funny childhood quote ever)
_______I firmly believe that I have been photographed by aliens at night on several occasions but somehow I find comfort in the fact that their technology is not so far advanced that they still require a flash on their camera.  (funny Alien quote status)
________It makes me sad when folks tell me they married their best friend, mostly because marriage between a woman & Vodka will never be legal.  (awesome funny vodka quote)
________The first thing I look for in a girl is creative Facebook Statuses..
________Stay away from the woman who doesn't have at least five pillows on her bed.. She's a dude! (dude quote)
________If you find someone really special don't tell them because you will probably end up ruining them once they find out  (funny life quote)
________Whenever 2 people are off sick on the same day, I start rumors that they're having an affair together cause work is boring and screw coworkers !  (funny coworker affair status)
________My neighbor's kid is at that age where he does annoying things,like breathe (Annoying neighbor quote)
________Sure, I'd love to help the homeless people,i just dont know where they live.... (homeless quote)
________The biggest mistake girls make is thinking they're in love with the poet when they're really in love with the poem.. (Awesome nice love poem poet quote)
________I bought some drugs on the internet that they say make you live forever. Well I must say its working wonders so far  (stupid quote)
________You questioned my intentions. When all the while, I was laughing internally, because I already know them. :)  (funny intentions quote)
famous funny quotes funny boss quotes funny troll funny air hostess quote pic
________there are two kinds of women on facebook. The kind that look decent and the kind I like (funny Facebook quote)
________The U.S. Department of Education announced today that 2 of 3 students do badly in grammar, but the other half are doing good in maths  (funny bad grammar math quote)
________My boss said I was acting like a baby and getting on her nerves today... I said "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"...  (funny boss quotes)
________Dear people who post pictures of cats and type in a way that gives them that lame-a** accent that you think is cute. Stop it. Stop it now.  (sarcastic quote)
________There's nothing quit like having a co-worker hold your beer... while you piss out their windows during the carpool on the way to work.
________Ok listen ladies.....we love you.....but please don't call when u know I'm watching football and expect me to talk to you!!!!  (funny football quote)
________If you have looked for the like button in an email message, you need an intervention.  (funny intervention quote)
________Statistically, only half of the things I have to do I always delay till a later time......so u could say I'm a semi-procrastinator
________I make it a rule to never answer calls from a number I don't know and then spend the rest of the day wondering who it was and what they wanted.. (funny anonymous calls)
________There needs to be a class on how to take a mirror photo without looking at your phone, because apparently it's an issue for a lot of you..  (funny mirror photo quote status)
________I don't want to be one of those people who's on his death bed and says "I wish I would have spent more time on the Facebook!" (funny Facebook addiction quotes)
________I really think I could get a lot for myself on the black market if someone would just tell me where it is, dammit. (funny black market quotes)
________I was on a plane last week and the flight attendant asked "Would you like some headphones?". I said "Sure miss, but my name is Eddie, not phones".  (funny air hostess quote)
________‎I always think about my ex.....whenever I hit a speed bump..... (funny ex quotes)
________Instructions: 1. Drink some beers 2. Write some posts 3. Go to bed  4. Wake up 5. Delete some posts (funny instruction status)
________I am really pissed that the doctor had to amputate my pinky toes due to diabetes. I am definitely lack toes intolerant.  (funny diabetes quote)
________They say blood is thicker than water but sometimes I swear some family members are taking blood thinners!
________My friend was just telling me that he thinks I am too stupid at times...I said well yea...let's see who's stupid.."If u can guess how many doughnuts I have in my bag u can have both of them" (short joke)
________I've got the ignorance part covered. Now where is all of this bliss people have been telling me about? (ignorance quote)
________It's cute how some of you pretend to be friends..  (funny friends quote)
________Mental Note: Women don't find the word "Rapealicious" to be a compliment...... (funny compliment quote)
________My ex-girlfriend liked my comment on a mutual friend's status.. Way to make it so obvious that she still wants me!  (funny girlfriend quote)
________Is a real gentleman, why just yesterday I took the dishes out of the sink before I peed in it  (funny gentleman quotes)
________No I do not want to watch your sister's wrestling match, but I'd love to see her box.
________I was watching women's softball on TV last night and I was very interested in the batter's box. (funny tv quotes)
________I'd pay to see the New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys Tour if they beat each other bloody with the members of NSync.
________This morning I told my neighbors they needed to buy a new bed. 
________Sometimes I love Japanese food and other times I hate it. I'm very tempura-mental  (funny Japanese food quote)
________Just heard that apple has developed a new informant device for the police......I hear they are going to call it the 'iWitness' (funny quotes about Apple Inc)
________I am not a narcissist! I swear to you on my mirror!  (narcissist quotes)
________If you're a heavy drinker, then you should read the novel, "Wait Till Your Liver Fails" by Hope Udai  (funny Hope quotes)
________One thing I'll never understand is how anyone could ever hurt a child or not like my status. :p (funny Facebook status)
________Hey! In case you don't see or hear from me in awhile, it is because there was a "Where in the hell have you been all night?" note left on the door. So I think I am in a little trouble....maybe. (funny door notes)
________Do you know what I just found out? I found out my new neighbors don't like me singing in the front yard at 3:30 in the morning.  (funny singing quote status)
________I have a feeling I would be more successful had I worked harder, invested wisely and had rich parents to inherit from  (funny hard working quotes)
________pretending to fake a stroke is an easiest way out of your moms' sight when drunk.. But getting disgonsed for mental illness isnt what i was looking for.. I knew returning home drunk was a bad idea!! (bad funny sick ideas)
________i want to go back in time and kill the guy who said ''i am done enough of being drunk and fun over the weekend.. lets go on work on monday".  (funny monday quotes)
________The other day, I was on a date with a really hot model. We had dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed. (funny dating quotes status)
________I can't afford to go on a vacation. So, I just get really drunk and forget where I am.  (funny vacation quote)

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