56 Funny Quotes

_____I don't mean to brag or anything, but.. I'm known around the office as Cuntalicious. :) (famous funny quote)
_____My ex-girlfriend was deaf....she left me for a deaf friend of her's...To be honest, I should have paid attention to those signs. (funny deaf quote status)
_____Some people have trust issues....not me, I figure why limit it to just trust, I prefer to just have issues in general (funny trust quote)
_____Women love to drop their laundry around me... which is starting to make these family get togethers awkward  (funny awkward moment quote status)
_____I hate it when I think of something funny while in the shower and I run out to the living room to save it on the laptop and my neighbor starts yelling and screaming "what the hell are you doing here?" (short funny joke)
_____My love for aliens is beyond this planet.  (famous funny love quote)
_____The only time a woman asks me a question I care about, is when she's my waitress and is asking me about what I want to eat.  (funny women quotes)
_____How rude of FB , to notify the whole world it's my birthday except me?!  (funny Facebook birthday quote)
_____i sent a "in-relationship" request but my vibrator declined (funny relationship quote for Facebook)
_____Ladies.. please stop neglecting your elbows! Put some lotion on those before they look like dried up pencil erasers 
_____i wish i was an ugly girl.. i would have had more subjects to make posts about.. like not getting laid.   (funny getting laid quote status)
_____I reviewed the statistics, crunched some numbers and calculated the risk and discovered that the chances of me get ran over while sitting on my couch are far less than they are when I a jogging. I must be lazy for my wellbeing.....  (great funny quote status)
_____I drink 2 beers at a time so I can toast myself. (funny beer quote)
_____Your body is a temple.. and I'm feelin' religious. :)  (famous funny quote)
funny waitress quote pic
_____I was in the V.I.P. booth at the club and the last time I had that many women rubbing my thigh was at the family reunion  (hilarious quote status)
_____We used to be friends on facebook, but that was before I banged your dad.  (funny dad quote)
_____I like my womens underwear like how I like the sun.......hot, looks better going down and disappears at night   (funny women quote)
_____This weekend I hope I am as wasted as my time spent on Facebook
_____If we are just subscribe and "Like" each others statuses but aren't friends... are we having a secret Facebook affair?  (funny affair quote)
_____Weird how an attractive face is criteria by which one decides whether to lick the area that someone pees from.  (great funny famous quote)
_____I went down on an Indian chick once and my breath still smells like curry
_____Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons....they don't have a wife to go home to or they have a wife to go home too (funny wife quote)
_____I met a girl at a bar and after a few drinks her pants dropped faster than Facebooks stock value  (funny quote about Facebook stock value)
_____Today I held the elevator door for a retard.. Oops sorry maybe i shouldn't say this word.. I meant the 'lift'  (funny retard quote)
_____The sun's out and girls are wearing skirts today. The probability of me getting laid still hasn't changed though!  (funny getting laid quote)
_____Hey dumb  Not every thing I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb  (famous funny quote, the punchline)
_____When you finish reading this you will have read what I wrote when I was writing this  (dumb quote)
_____I asked a homeless guy where he was from. He said, "I'm originally from just outside
_____Do you know what goes great with having dinner on the floor... a straw to suck up the vodka you spilled next to it!
_____Well, I balanced my check book.....on the edge of the table for 3 seconds before it fell
_____I just found a $100 bill that I forgot I had. Its from the electric company and if I dont pay it tomorrow they will shut my lights off
_____I took a free test today to see how smart I am and it only cost me $5  (stupid quote)
_____Some jacka** just tripped and fell on his face. I was laughing pretty hard until I noticed I was bleeding.  (dumb quote)
_____I am either having an off day or a bunch of my friends forgot how to read  (awesome funny quote status)
_____‎"Not tonight, honey. I've got cephalgia." - Why I don't date doctors.  (funny quote about cephalgia)
_____I almost got into a car accident,because I was reading a sign that told me to keep my eyes on the road...  (awesome creepy quote status)
_____You know the reason why Adele is still at the top of the chart....lol...because no one can move her.  (funny quote about Adele )
_____behind every successful man is that word successful.  (famous quote)
_____No silly im not a whore i just look that way on facebook. Giggles  (funny Facebook status)
_____You know I'm not supposed to be talking or texting while you are driving me crazy!
_____I hate how I have to hold a fart in until my guests have to go to the bathroom....
_____Drinking is great for my health. It takes me three times longer to walk home from the bar (great hilarious quote status)
_____People at work don't like me because apparently they think I'm conceited....I doubt that's the reason tho..........its probably cuz I'm too awesome  (conceited quote)
_____There are few things in this world that can't be solved with a swift kick to the head. (creepy quote)
_____Be careful when getting set up on blind dates. Dimples and a personality is code for a 60 inch waist and schizophrenic. (be careful quote)
_____Frosty beverages, in twelve packs I buy thee, when the time is right, usually at night, I pledge to consume thee
_____Every time I see a sad, bitter, lonely old lady I want to hug her and ask "you know cats exist, right?"
_____When a guy says ”no homo” it usually is homo (funny homo quote)
_____All I want is some peace & quiet around here... you give me a piece & then I'll be quiet. :p  (awesome funny quote status)
_____I just stole a smart car... you should see all these bicycle cops behind me!
_____I am having the best f**king day; I called my Mother-in-law a b!tch and now my wife is giving me the silent treatment ... twice blessed.  (short funny joke, the punch line)
_____Sometimes I get distracted by Facebook. My wife just texted me asking what I want to eat for dinner. My response.... your mom. I am afraid to answer my phone (one liner joke)
_____I just ate salmon and now my breath smells like cat food.  In related news.. I'm still single.
_____So last year 700,212 got killed by passive smoking....personally I think that it served them good for not buying their own  cigarettes (funny statics quote)
_____Last night they threw me out of the hospital....They shouldn't have those signs which says 'Stroke patients here' (funny patient quote)
_____You think my posts suck, you should see my ransom note... just ask this elephant in my basement! (LOL quotes)
_____Before you make a wish on a star make sure its not a police helicopter

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