_____ If you are a passenger in my car and you start singing along to what ever the hell I may be listening to... I will drive that car right off a f**king cliff!
_____ My family didn't even know I was a drinker... until I went to the reunion sober!
_____ Listen lady... When I say "You're beautiful!" The correct response should be "Thank you." Not, "Why is your hand down your pants!?"
_____ Just made a wish by throwing a coin in the fountain.... Guess it didn't work, cause all these people are still staring at me in the mall food court while I take a bath!
_____ Well, I did it... I took the bull by the horns. Now I sh!t myself and walk with a limp
_____ My medicine cabinet looks a lot like my liquor cabinet... minus the medicine (funny liquor quote)
_____ Insulting me will get you nowhere... plus it makes you look like a f**ktard! (insulting quotes)
_____ I get so damn nervous when driving past a cop... I put a seat-belt around my case of beer, slam the open one, swallow the roach and do 4 miles an hour, and just smile and wave! :)
_____ The Internet has totally ruined nudity for me. :(
_____ I'll admit it, I get a little nasty every time I see a camel wearing yoga pants around their feet.
_____ Honey, I'd feel a lot better if you wouldn't chop cucumbers like that... while I'm sleeping in bed!
_____ Building for Rent is the stupidest name change I have ever heard of, for my local Blockbuster.
_____ Is it just me or does Stevie Nicks look like sh!t in that Burger King commercial?
_____ Sometimes, when I'm feeling really old school... I'll pull out a pair of gloves, and smack you across the face.
_____ Whenever someone stops and asks me for directions... I like to punch em in the face, knocking them unconscious, then drive to the liquor store, get drunk, puke in their car, drive back, wake them up and say... No. (funny drunk quote status)
______ I hate in when I see a hot girl, friend request her, text for weeks, decide to meet... and find out its my wife... again! (funny wife quote)
_____ Too many romantic movies and too few hanging ropes
_____"I need help". Ok let me know if you need help - fb friends.
_____You're a f**king idiot, not to be rude or anything
_____If a girl you like rejects you,accuse her of witchcraft,and have her burned at the....no wait,this one's out of date...so nevermind
_____They are saying that the guy who is making jokes about Mark Zuckerberg's marriage will be banned from Facebook. But he is still a Mystery
_____I need a lifeguard in my life because some friends be killing me, especially the ones with bad breath!
_____Most funny people use humor to mask pain and I am no exception. All of my life I have been made fun of...for having a freakishly large organ
_____If your dad asks I was with you last night ok?
_____If anyone asks, I've been here all day. You all are now apart of my alibi... don't f*ck this up!
_____The thing I like about masturbating is that it turns premature ejaculation into effective time management.
_____If having kids has taught me anything, is that it's never too early to get a Vasectomy.
_____I don't want to sound racist or anything, but I'll bet black construction paper prefers white crayons
_____Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She's been talking for the last 2 days and doesn't seem ready to end anytime soon. (funny Siri quote)
_____So as I found myself drunk again on my birthday, I had to take a long hard look at myself in the mirror...then wonder why I was peeing in the sink.....again.....and what happened to my underwear anyway?
_____The only negative thing about not wearing' any underwear is.. zipper chaffage. :(
_____Looks like all the pictures of the sun in my news feed today will ECLIPSE all the pictures of talking cats (funny solar eclipse quote)
_____There was a blackout in my neighborhood this morning.He was just walking his dog but I still locked my doors
_____So there I was sitting in the restaurant having a wank..................when I thought............that's a weird name for a sandwich
_____Do they let you select your own color when they put you in a straight jacket?......asking for a friend.....
_____I missed the eclipse yesterday...... But if you cross your eyes and squint, it looks like there's an eclipse all the time.......... I'm kind of a scientist........ (funny eclipse quote)
_____my friends think so low of me.. which proves they know me well.. :-D
_____Whenever someone brags about their diet, I send a cookie request from 'bakerytown'
_____The East Coast couldn't see the solar eclipse. That is prejudice, eclipse. Prejudice. (funny eclipse quote status)
_____I asked my son if he wanted a better view of the eclipse. When he said yes I mooned him. Get it? The moon was in front of the son. Yeah he didnt laugh either (Solar eclipse quote status joke)
_____My friend is so fat the only thing that fits him at the mall is the cologne
_____They raised her up a lady but there's one thing they couldn't avoid.. ladies love biker boys! :)
_____They say that 43% of the hot chicks on Facebook are really guys thats why I only jack off to the ugly ones
_____I don't know which is gayer... This post or you liking it?
_____Well, if you didn't want me to joust your kid while riding this ostrich... then you should of took him off the f*cking playground!
_____I recently bought a guard dog and he is really awesome... I haven't been able to get into my house for 3 days now!
_____if i poke you means i like you.. if i try to kill you.. its probably love
_____My roommate said to me, Im sick of you being so lazy...just pack your bags and leave...and I was all You pack them. (lazy quote)
_____If writing statuses were an Olympic sport some of you wouldn't qualify for the Special ones (funny Olympic quote status)
_____Sometimes the best advice comes from the most unsuspected people............Just last night a hooker told me "I wouldn't lick there if I was you"
_____call the cops on me for driving over your grass with my four wheeler? Just wait to see what 50 pounds of flour does to your swimming pool.
_____I hope my online gf never finds out that there is no wife and that I'm only leaving my stuffed animals behind.
_____Don't let anyone tell "YOU" you're not good enough. Let me. Trust me, I wouldn't steer you wrong.
_____Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to go to a public place and eat a banana really slow while making eye contact with everyone. Everyone.
_____People always say its a small world but I never run into Beyonce