75 Funny Quotes

_______Women, not all guys that talk to you just because they want to get in your pants... Sometimes they want to get in your friend's pants.  (funny women quotes)
_______There comes a time in every man's life when he has to stand up for what he believes in. My time has come. I shall stand up. And go to bed.  (funny inspirational quote)
_______If you love something and it doesn't love you back, let it go under a tire.  (funny love quotes)
_______Isn't it shocking how quickly a seemingly innocent-looking status can suddenly change into a bastardly vulgar sh!t-monster peppered with motherf**king profanity?  (best funny quotes status ever)
_______My heart is just as delicate as your balls. We don't want them getting hurt now do we (funny heart quotes)
_______I'm well known for my ability to not finish the things that I begin. In fact, I'm so good th  (funny ability status)
_______"What's the worst that could happen?" - What I'm guessing my last words will be (funny last words)
_______I am not trying to save the planet but could you please use less hot water when you shower? The steam is fogging up the lens of the camera I installed  (funny stalker)
_______The first time I met you, I knew you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my money with.  (funny loving quote)
_______They say you need to intake lots of water to stay alive but the body floating in my pool disagrees (funny sci-fi quotes)
_______Bet you can't guess what I'm doing tonight. Here's a hint... it begins with G and ends with 'ettingcompletelyfuckingwasted'.  (funny bored quotes)
_______Hey I just met you and this is crazy but lets go drinking its black Friday baby (funny black Friday quotes)
_______My internet's been down for over 10 hours now. But on the plus side, I've just discovered my right hand can be used as a cup holder. (internet addiction quote)
_______STRESS: The inner conflict that occurs when the "voice of reason" over-rides urgent desire of wanting to strangle the living sh!t out of some a**hole who desperately needs it! (funny stress quotes)
_______My boss called me Stupid this morning. I gotta say, I was a little insulted. Been working for the man for 3 years and he still doesn't know my name (funny boss insulting quote)
_______One more time you call me a freak, and I'll take my gun out, and stab you with my knife till you choke out 'cause of the rope around your neck and eventually get drowned in pool. (freaking quote)
_______To help reduce cost this quote was typed in China  (made in china quote)
_______I don't charge you to read my statuses so feel FREE to like them
_______After not being able to sleep at very well at night I am thankful for my naps at work (work nap quote status)
_______Was thinking about shoving a beer can up a chicken's a** but that's a waste of beer.
_______You say you hate the way you look. After viewing the 683 photos you posted of your face so do I (sarcastic quote)
_______I have been called a lot of things in my life but a nice guy isn't one of them (life facts quote)
_______I sure would like to know who that mysterious photographer is that keeps taken pictures of people holding their phones up by their face. (funny self photographer quote)
_______The duration of my bowel movement is based on how interesting my news feed is (funny newsfeed quote)
_______Just for the record, each and every Quote I post here is my own original. Which should explain why they're not funny.
_______Whoever quoted,  'Never say never', said it twice in a sentence. (never say never quote)
_______That's the last time I got caught sleeping with a girl...I'm never gonna attend History class ever. (funny history quote status)
_______Kids are lucky these days.... Back when I was a kid, I had to walk to a girls house to "poke" her!  (funny poke quote)
_______‎Objection! Thats allegedly killed the cat your honor ~ Curiositys lawyer (curiosity killed the cat quote)
_______Yes, I exercise...I exercise my right not to exercise. (exercise quote)
_______Ate too many apples and now I can't find a doctor.
_______I'm like a hero or something. I disarmed a gunman today...well it was my nephew, and it was a water gun, and why the hell is he crying, doesn't he know I"m a hero?
_______You must have missed mentioning it on your 'about me' section, that you are an a**hole. (sarcastic insulting quote)
_______Just for the record - When in court accused of indecent exposure, 'There's no business like show business' is not considered to be a suitable line of defense. (funny self defense quote)
_______I really want to ask this girl that I like on a date but I am afraid that if I crawl out from under her bed I will scare her (stalker status)
_______So I connected a New mouse in my computer today and it said "Found Human interface". No you Idiot... IT'S A MOUSE!!! (funny tech quotes)
_______For those who are dyslexic, today is Friday the 13th (dyslexic quotes)
_______Ok I am confused. The girl at the end of the bar only has one eye and I can't tell if she is winking and blinking (confused quotes)
_______For now on...whenever any of my friends invite me to their kids B-Day parties, I'm going to gift wrap empty boxes, cuz I know for damn sure they're not teaching them about life's disappointments! (funny birthday status)
_______When it come to exercise, the only running I do lately is running out of money. Doesn't make my gut disappear but my bank account looks smaller. (funny money shortage quote status)
_______As I get older, the longer I look at what I drop and wonder if it's worth bending over to pick up.......Anyways......my wife is pissed!  (pissed quotes)
_______Sometimes I feel like i have the weight of the world on my shoulder and I think to myself...holy crap some of you are fat, lose some weight or something. (fat  quotes)
_______She posted her status "Life is a bitch"...I commented "You're my Life" (life quotes)
_______Hangovers ought to be called hangons because if it was over you'd feel much better for it.  (hangover quotes)
_______You'd be prettier if you grew your hair really long and wrapped it over your face several times and hung yourself with it (sarcastic insulting punchline)
_______A guy can drop his pants and show his junk, people will just walk away fast, but when a woman pulls up her skirt and shows her stuff....people will stand and stare. (double standard quote)
_______Everything was better in the good old days. For example, 5 days ago, it was Friday (friday quote)
_______I just realized it's not a good idea to sneeze when facing directly in front of a fan, while it's on high. That is all (funny sneezing idea)
_______My one regret is that I never learned how to fly a plane, but I can live with that. Just as long as my passengers on this Boeing 787 never find out.  (funny regret quote)
_______ went from 'being in a relationship' to 'stopped believing in imaginary girlfriends' (imaginary girlfriend quote)
_______As soon as find this Wisdom person... I'm going to give them some words of my own! (funny words of wisdom)
_______Hey people that say "Just saying", you should probably stop that... just saying. 
_______I've finally met a lady that "tugs on my heart strings". But I've decided not to tell the heart surgeon this....until she sews me up! (funny heart quotes)
_______My Girlfriend wouldn't go hiking with me because she doesn't exist (funny girlfriend quote)
_______Restaurant said "No sleeveless shirts". I have the right to bare arms.
_______If falling asleep at work is wrong.....I don't wanna be caught. (funny nap at work quote)
_______Some days I sit around and think about how great it would be to be married again...and then I laugh and laugh and laugh because I'm such a kidder.
_______I sneeze a lot just to find out which of my friends are religious. 
_______I dont care what women say,size matters in bed.The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around (best funny quote)
_______Unfortunately I think I've reached a point in my life where the word "frisky" only refers to my cat's food :(
_______Wish they made glad press n seal for lips so i could make you stfu! (STFU quotes)
_______"you make me feel like a wrestler. Can I body slam you?" is not a good pick up line. (funny pickup line)
_______I was talking to this girl at the beach today. She asked me if I was the type of person who wears his heart on his sleeve. Hello...I have no shirt on. What sleeves...don't be stupid.  (funny heart status)
_______OK I have made plenty so I could probably be a millionaire if I could just find these people that wanna "pay for your mistakes." (funny mistake quotes)
_______Finally I joined a Gym..its a page on Facebook..I feel so fit n fine. (funny facebook status)
_______I saw this woman staring me down in the supermarket today!!! I don't know if she was attracted to me or just amazed by how ugly I am!  (funny confusion )
_______I hate when people think they're better than other people. I never do that. I'm better than those people. (superiority complex quote)