41 Funny Quotes

_____I'm very good at graphic design and calligraphy, and I have certificates in biochemistry, biology, quantum physics, math and rocket science to prove it.
_____They say: "the freaks come out at night". This is why I stay indoors until it's dark. I don't want to screw up the eco-system. (freaking quote)
_____Please let me know if and how, I offended you in any of my postings. It makes it a lot easier to target those weaknesses for up-coming posts
_____It's stupid how some people break into a song out of nowhere, I swear sometimes it's like I waited my whole life for this one night, Its gonna be me you and the dancefloor.
_____If you don't think anyone loves you or cares about you, then give me a call. I'll reaffirm that for ya
_____Sometimes I feel guilty if there is a comment on a status that has no likes while the rest of the comments have several. So...if I like your comment and nobody else does...it's more than likely a 'sympathy like'.
_____I hate to say I told you so, because I have a lisp and it sounds stupid.
_____You know, when I'll have children I'm gonna force them to watch the movie 2012 and tell them I fuggin survived this whole movie !! (funny 2012 movie quote status)
_____That awkward moment when you post inspirational thoughts on Facebook… and your comments are filled with: “That’s deep!”, “Who hacked into your account?”, “I don’t get it.”, “Did the aliens get you?”, “Drink another one!”, “Where’s the punch line?” etc… (awkward moment joke)
_____My boss suggested me to start the presentation with something funny and practical.... So I attached my salary slip on the very first slide.
_____It takes *time to understand women.  *FOREVER
_____If I write your name on my notebook, that means I like you. If I write it in blood, that means I love you to death. (funny love quote)
_____Keep your friends close, and your enemies oh, hey! I didn't even see you there! How are things? Good, good.
_____Why is it whenever someone in here calls someone stupid, I assume they are talking about YOU? (funny offensive quote)
_____I don't mean to brag, but I was just surfing the net, and I found out that there are several single women in my area dying to meet me.
_____I got on my jogging suit, tennis shoes, headband, pedometer, and bottle of water, I'm ready...to get on the computer and do some facebooking...ooooh, what a workout.
_____I see your name written in the stars. Actually, when I "connect the dots" it spells out "f**king b!t*h." Close enough.
_____I just found out it takes exactly 14 frozen potatoes thrown from 200 feet to completely destroy my neighbor's shed.
_____The iPhone 5 is like constipation. Stop waiting for it. It ain't gonna happen. (funny iPhone quote status)
_____Why do women live a longer, better and peaceful life? Cuz women don't have a f**king wife!
_____Today I met eyes with a beautiful lady. She looked at me, it felt like love & time stood still for a second. But then she closed her blinds.
_____If you get a friend request from me its because I like funny people. If you dont get one its because I like funny people
_____My wife constantly complains and whines about me not giving her enough time. Thank god my girlfriend is not like that.
_____Yesterday was my best friend's best day. So I asked him to be patient till i log on facebook so i can wish him a Happy Birthday (funny birthday quote)
_____My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
_____Sometimes I like your Post to give you a hug ;)
_____If at first you don't succeed, I'd suggest you hurl yourself into traffic. I saw your first attempt and dude, you suck.
_____I'm a fair weather friend. Don't ask me to do shit unless it's nice out. :)
_____Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn!
_____You can actually fall in love with your own Wife/Girlfriend if some other man describes her to you.
_____Why do girls pluck their eyebrows first... and then draw them with eyebrow pencil & liners and stuff.
_____Me: Nice monkey. Woman at store: That's my baby! Me: Oh. <walks away>
_____I'm going out shopping today... to try and find a new Facebook outfit.
_____i woke up all peace and calm today, googled my symptoms and realized i might be dead.. :-/
_____The only time I make someone hot and bothered is when I'm burning their house to the ground. (funny offensive quote)
_____To the people who don't like me.. suck it. To the people that do like me.. same thing. :)
_____The weather man said tomorrow is gona b twice as cold as it is today....but its now 0˚ so how cold will it be? (funny weather quote status)
_____Know who has a bad sense of direction? This guy ---------->
_____Every time I think I've come up with a great FB status and no one likes it I die a little inside
_____Sometimes I like to just stop everything I'm doing and reflect on the life I have lived...but I'm always interrupted by the people in the back of the bus telling me to watch where I'm f**king driving
_____I'm so paranoid half of the time I'm worried about what's gonna happen the other half of the time (funny paranoid quote status)
_____I was going take a photo of myself in front of my bathroom mirror, but then I remembered, I'm not a douchebag

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40 Funny Quotes

_____I don't wish to brag, but my cell phone has this function where you press a series of numbers and you can actually talk to someone on the other end in real time. (funny cell phone quote)
_____there should be an anti social network for half the people on my list that never post anything.
_____Ok so you went from being 'in a relationship' to being 'single'..I went from 'not giving a damn' to 'not giving a f**k'
_____There you are !!! We were just talking about you.... well, not about you specifically but about whores and hypocrisy. (funny whore hypocrisy quote)
_____are you trying to say that I'm not intelligent.....b!t*h...i went to the School of Hard knocks, University of Life (funny life quote)
_____I suppose one day I'll fall in love again, but I'm just too emotionally stable for that right now. (funny love quote)
_____Her... you have the biggest ego... Me... you misspelled c**k
_____When I'm high, I'll call some customer service number and choose the Spanish option just for the challenge
_____I punched my nieghbors kid in the face today and I told him to keep his goat out of my yard
_____My neighbor must of bought a donkey. She just sent me a text asking if I want to ride her a**
_____If you don't like my posts I have two words for you- WHY NOT?
_____Yes I got your friend request. I didn't see the "Whatever" button and "Confirm" didn't sound right (friend request quote status)
_____I know the exact button to push when I want my girl to disappear. The power button on my modem. Internet love affairs are the best! (funny affair quote)
_____I'd like to say something to all those girls who are madly in love with me, "Please start existing!" (funny love quote)
_____I was looking to buy some new sneakers last night and the guy at the shoe store asked if he could interest me in some running shoes. I laughed until I threw up then left.
_____If I like someone's status on Facebook, that's because I really really ......................................... want you to check out my status.
_____One of my favorite winter activities is wishing you were dead....sort of like all the rest of the seasons. (funny wish)
_____When your world is falling apart, when you need a friend, when it seems like things can't possibly get any worse, please remember....I don't give a f**k
_____What’s big round and hates you?  The world (funny hate status)
_____women buy so many shoes because they spend most of their time on their feet walking around the shops…buying shoes
_____Whenever I think life sucks, I look at yours and realize mine's not so bad. (funny life quote)
_____I put my pants on the same way all of you do. I'm just better at doing absolutely everything else
_____If you think I have nothing better to do than to sit around all day logged in to FB, then you are definitely my stalker
_____My mom use to beat me and my younger brother with a telephone.....I was always on the receiving end!
_____I always make sure to be able to live within my means..even If I had to borrow the money to do it (funny borrow quote)
_____‎"Life is test." and my grade is "F"
_____This beer diet sucks for losing weight... but if you wanna lose your job and your house... it's perfect!
_____I don't ask for much. But please, for the love of Christ, for my own personal well-being, and for the fact that you're annoying the f**king piss out of me.....please.....SHUT.THE.F**K.UP!
_____If I don't get a like within 10 minutes I check outside to see if the zombies have arrived (funny zombie quote)
_____You can really tell who your friends are by looking at your friends list
_____If you think my jokes are tasteless, kiss my a**. That will give them some flavor
_____I would like to apologize about my nacho status joke earlier....I know I'm cheddar than that. (funny nacho status)
_____Should I be worried that whenever someone actually says 'OMG!', I feel compelled to rip off their leg and beat them to death with the wet end?
_____I just got a text message saying that I won a $1,000.00 Walmart gift card. But since I have to actually go there to use it, I decided it wasn't worth claiming and I just hit "delete." (funny Walmart lotto quote status)
_____I hate it when i meaow at cats and they don't meow back. Thats just so rude -__-
_____Wow, I must have super powers, just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would, but..
_____I am hard of hearing, with my earphones plugged in.
_____Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 350 words. (funny inflation quote)
_____I honestly have a fear that one day I'll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
_____I was out shopping with my wife and she asked me to hold her purse.I told her no way in hell...it didn't match my shoes

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39 Funny Quotes

_____I tell my husband "your so handsome" He turns and tells me "you too" He so sweet. He didn't have to compliment me back, I already know I'm handsome.
_____Since arriving here on earth, I have come to the conclusion that since the beginning of time, no matter what the event was, a pair of b**bs were involved in some way.
_____Come on, come on, come here, come on... Sigh*... Come on, come on, come on, come here... Sigh* Come on, come on, come here, damn it come on, Sigh* Seriously? Will you come on!? Hurry up! Come on, come on, come here... Sigh* This is me every time I try to get my damn stupid dog to come back in the house!
_____My neighbor is very disappointed with her plastic surgeon but to be fair she did let him make all the decisions. Her mother taught her that it was impolite to pick her nose.
_____I am too nice to unfriend anyone. So I just post offensive stuff on their wall until they block me
_____LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE A LITTLE FACE ON YOUR MAKE-UP THERE (funny make up quote)
_____My main goal in life is to find out what my main goal in life is. Er... that was easy (funny life quote)
_____I don't hate you..I'm in hate with you
_____For those who put their Text Massages as Facebook status.... "do you think only you are smart enough to have a Mobile Phone......??..,get a Mirror! and look how 'BIG A**' you are."
_____Roses are green, Violets are pink Rhymes are hard to find when you're colorblind.. :D
_____Roses are red, Violets are blue can I touch your butt cause I know you're gonna say you sure can do!!
_____Roses are red, Violets are blue you are so bad and i'm gonna kill you..
_____Roses are red, violets are blue... I'll kill myself and put the blame on you.
_____Hey, I haven't seen you in years...*walks away* OMG! THEY'VE GOTTEN HOT!!
_____This goes out to all the chicks out here.. I can be your facebook stalker! I can click away the pain, I'll be on your wall forever.. You can't take my mouse away.. ♥
_____Confession: I'm nt really a good speller I just type something kinda close to what I want to say and let my phone correct it (funny confession)
_____When faced with a difficult task...always find a lazy person, because they will find the easiest way to accomplish it.
_____And never start a sentence with a conjunction because that's bad grammar! (funny grammar quote)
_____Women and logic are three different thing.
_____My neighbor thinks I have been watching her. I have no idea what she stalking about
_____Migraines don't happen by themselves. They're usually coupled with obnoxious people. And having a job. (funny job quote)
_____If you won't judge me because I am single, I promise not to judge you because you've settled:)
_____Sometimes I keep Facebook open in two browsers to remind myself I'm worthless
_____My Doctor this morning:"Ever have thoughts of hurting yourself?" Me:"Nope." Doc:"Any idea why not?"
_____It's really kinda strange how my phone drops calls whenever someone calls to ask me a favor
_____Even the f**k that I don't give doesn't give a sh*t, which in turn doesn't give a f**k of its own. Questions?
_____When she said she was blowing bubbles, I had no clue that was the name of her lover. :'(
_____Whenever one of my post doesn't get any likes it makes me think you people are being judgemental
_____The temp job agency said that they found a perfect job for me! Where I could f**k strangers all day for money. I love being a gas station manager! (funny gas station quote)
_____That awkward moment where we're walking toward one another and I go left and you go right then I go right and you go left and then we laugh and I kick you in the groin and continue on my way
_____it's difficult to say what my wife does..she sells sea shells by the sea shore
_____I thought and thought and thought and thought, but I couldn't remember the past tense of "Think".
_____I think I need smarter friends. One of them asked me the other day which was closer to South Florida - Philadelphia or the moon. I said: “Duhhhh, can you SEE Philadelphia from here?!?” Idiot.
_____People who are perpetually positive, have obviously never been in a real relationship
_____Haven't even gone on a date yet and just got a text that said "Love You".. so yeah, we are so over
_____Well I'm just sitting here wishing I had something better to do than sitting here wishing
_____''OMG, your so pretty!'' -No! I'm not. (-_-) Listen b*tch, STFU & accept the compliment!
_____I'm sexy and I know it...just don't know why nobody else knows it.
_____Dear Creative team of Facebook, take a vacation. Not because I think you deserve it, but because even though it was Your Boss who approved the Timeline.. It was your a** that brought it to him. So for that, enjoy yourselves and I hope you get lost! Sincerely, not a fan.
_____Instead of a like button I wish there was a push button so I could push you right off the wall.

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38 Funny Quotes

_____I am just a guy standing in front of a girl and asking her to 'Move b***h get out the way'
_____What you people won't do for a "Like" around here . . . If ya all don't like this status you can all kiss my a**!! (funny like)
_____I haven't won any big event today yet the world keeps dumping a giant cooler full of icy haterade down my back... (funny event)
_____I love women and I'm totally against disrespecting them. Ask any of my ex-girlfriends. Go on.. Ask those b***hes!! (funny ex quote)
_____Not everything I post on this page is a joke..some things are serious...for instance...when I say your mom is a whore!! (funny whore quote status)
_____Its getting a bit late....I'm thinking it's about time you close your windows so I can go to my bed!! (funny stalker)
_____If it walks like a duck, acts like a duck, looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck... Then it must be a duck. Same proverb works for sluts too...
_____I know I have been on Facebook for way to long now, I just received an e-mail and instead of looking for the "Reply" button, I found myself looking for a "Like" button. :-/  (funny Facebooking)
_____Yesterday I told a friend to embrace her mistakes. She cried and then hugged her children. (funny mistakes)
_____she says "We just need to be friends", so I said, "What good is a friend if there is no benefits?" (friends with benefits)
_____That awkward moment when I tell you to f**k off when you are telling me one of your awkward moments joke! (funny awkward moment quote status)
_____I hate discrimination. That's why I hate everyone equally. (funny discrimination quote)
_____I ought to stab each one of you for not wishing me Happy Birthday today!!! But I won't, since it isn't my birthday (funny birthday quote)
_____Me: hey beautiful do you have a boyfriend           She: no I don't         Me: I don't either we have so much in common, maybe we should hook up!!
_____My ex called me “selfish” this morning….which brought me to the realization….that he was NOT EVEN considering how that might make me feel
_____if you can't write totally and have to shorten it to "totes" you are just giving me one more reason to put my foot up your a**. All the way up your a**, because I don't abbreviate. (funny abbreviation quote)
_____see.. i'm not just a funny sexy intelligent interesting and overall awesome guy.. I'm also modest.... wait what were we talking about (funny modesty quote status)
_____It's not that you always piss me off but sometimes I just wish I could shove an umbrella up your a** and then open it! (funny piss off quote)
_____My therapist told me he has never met anyone like me before. I am still trying to figure out if this is a compliment or an insult. (funny therapist quote)
_____Well I started talking to this girl more than 10 minutes ago and she hasn't slapped me or freaked out.....I hope she's OK with the names I picked out for our kids (funny stalker quote)
_____They say the best thing to do to a woman is to make her laugh,i'd feel better if she laughed after i actually spoke. (funny laugh out quote)
_____I have some friends who don't have a Facebook profile. We have nothing to talk about.
_____I hate when I like your status, then I copy and paste it into Google and find out that you copied and pasted it from Twitter. Then I have to go back and unlike your status cuz you're a idiot.
_____This coffee is not doing its job today. Maybe I should have used Red Bull instead of water. (funny red bull quote)
_____I don't know if it's the shock treatments, intensive psychotherapy or antidepressants but I had an awesome day today!! (funny awesome day)
_____I put all my eggs in one basket because I need the other hand for high fiving. (funny high five quote status)
_____When I find myself liking 10 statuses in a row I stop and think..are these statuses really that funny or is this just one of those moments when I have a low tolerance for humor (humor quote status)
_____you know when you walk into a room and you forget why you went in there?? ok I just forgot where I was going with this joke
_____I'm helping my boy with his algebra homework... this sh*t is difficult... I fell asleep twice... I'm about to just say f**k it! (funny algebra quote)
_____If there is one thing I'm good at it's not being able to discover my talents
_____Life is too short, money is too short, lunch breaks are too short, good tv shows are too short, good conversations are too short, good books are too short, I'm too short, good t...... Hey, all good things are too short!
_____the sun is shining, the weather is sweet, makes me want to kick your a**, with my bare feet
_____I really hope no one thinks my jokes are offensive. Its bad enough no one thinks they're funny
_____So that lady in the elevator feels comfortable enough to tell me I smell like smoke…and yet…she acts TOTALLY offended when I asked if her perfume was called “Obesity”
_____I keep hearing a little voice that says get off FB and get to work.I try to ignore it but then my boss just says it louder
_____If you're thinking I've lost interest in what you have to say, I can assure you I was never interested at all. (funny offensive quote status)
_____"You look incredibly meretricious today" is how I like to compliment ladies who don't have a dictionary handy.
_____my computer can beat me at chess but he was no match for me in original statuses
_____I decided to sit down and make a list of all the things I like about you: 1. nothing

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37 Funny Quotes

_____Isn't it weird how much smarter you were when you were younger? When I was young, I knew every thing. Now I don't know shit.
_____I have made up my mind that if I do hit the Lottery tonight I am gonna spend half of my winnings on Liquor and Whores. The other half I will just blow. (funny lotto)
_____Sometimes, doing the right thing is next to impossible. When that happens, I say "burn it down" and lie my way out of it!
_____I Played hide and seek with the kids at the Park a couple of hours ago. They finally found me....at home in my bed under the blankets. (funny hide and seek)
_____So many of you should be very thankful that I haven't mastered the art of total mind domination... . . . . . . yet!
_____‎The proper words that best describe you would be vinegar sac, yep I just called you a douche bag but in a fancy way!
_____I was wondering to myself, what exactly is life all about? Why do we have to live to fight another day? Then I realised that..... I have to go to work tomorrow so I went back to bed. (funny Life quote)
_____99% we have our rights....1% how 'bout you shut the F@*K up!
_____This is just a small "token" of my appreciation.~ Me tipping my waitress at Chuck-E-Cheese.......... with a token.
_____I have the best neighbor in the world, he lets me use all his stuff when he's not home and acts like he knows nothing about it.
_____Why is it cute when your 3 year old presses her nose against the glass outside the ice cream shop? Whenever I do that I'm told to back off because I'm scaring the customers.
_____Like most of your statuses I really don't 'like' you!!!
_____Sometimes I just wanna..stop..look at you..ask you what the hell is wrong with you..then punch you right straight dead in the face..then laugh and walk away!
_____I'm not stalking. I'm concerned....all the time....about all things in your life. (funny stalking)
_____Whoever said “Cheaters NEVER prosper”…CLEARLY never read the definition of “prosper”…and ALSO….likely never had the opportunity to cheat…. (funny cheater quote)
_____I'm going to the dentist later. I gotta try to be nicer to him, I don't wanna hurt his fillings (funny dentist quote)
_____Here is the good news one of us is not stupid and I'm sure its me.(funny stupid)
_____ If your father pokes me one more time on Facebook, I'm changing my relationship status. (funny poke)
_____Wait a minute... what? Your only 27? You don't even look that old, and here I was thinking you were 6.
_____The difference between peoples thoughts here is that some are so funny you could shit. ...others are just shitty.
_____My little 10 year old cousin just broke up with his girlfriend. Poor guy lost half of his coloring pencils.
_____REAL men can wear pink….but they don’t…because everyone knows that is just gay
_____I am so running out of ideas. I think I am going to win this marathon. (funny marathon)
_____Some people will never lern. And I don't care if I spelled that wrong.
_____Monday is a very busy day for me. First I'm going to do nothing till noon. Then I will leave at 2 pm to do some more of nothing, I come back at 5, relax for a while maybe watch some telly and then it's back to doing nothing. How's that for a hectic monday??? (funny monday)
_____The only difference between myself and a thin person is willpower. Thin people don't have the willpower to eat as much as I do. (funny Willpower Quote)
_____I never say bad things about good people, those assholes don't deserve to be talked about!
_____How to rob a bank. Tip #1  Walk into the bank. (funny robbery)
_____I‎'m actually a skilled mind-reader.  I know what you're thinking.  Your thinking:You don't believe me
_____good night, sleep tight. Because no one likes a loose sleeper (funny goodnight wish)
_____Do you copy what Im saying... or should I paste for you? (funny fb copy/paste)
_____Another cool thing thing about this Timeline is, I was looking at old comments and found friends that had deleted me without my knowledge. Now I know whose houses to set on fire. (funny timeline status quote)
_____Sleeping with boxing gloves tonight cause I know I'm going to wake up and get into a fight with my alarm clock in the morning. *Ding ding...K.O. (funny good morning)
_____My boss just told me he doesn't pay me post on FB all day. Well if he did my check would be bigger
_____Usually my first or second posts are test cases, if I dont catch enough "likes", the boat goes back to the dock (funny Facebook status quote)
_____Whenever I'm feeling down I always remember to stop and piss on my neighbor's roses...then I feel better. (funny flower quote)
_____So..guys, tell the truth..are you more likely to "like" a female's status if you think she's hot? (funny question)

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_____I don't always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer. (funny beer quote)
_____I'm going to do this weird, modern thing called "Posting original material."  I promise I don't work at the re-post office anymore.
_____Sometimes less is more....The less you say, the more I like you. (funny less is more)
_____I bought a new vacuum cleaner today and the f**king thing sucks!
_____You may have stolen my heart and broke it....but that's Ok...just keep it. That's not the part I'm going to be using to bang all your friends with anyways. (funny heart quote status)
_____people who live in stone houses shouldn't throw paper...u know..paper beats rock!!
_____I couldn't get the parking meter downtown to work and every a$$hole within 50 feet just stood there staring at me. I'm sure if I was a woman or wearing clothes THEN someone would offer to help....discrimination dumbers
_____My New Year's Resolution earlier this year was to give up Lent. Now, for Lent, I'm giving up my New Year's Resolution. That way, I get twice the disappointment at half the effort. (funny new year resolution)
_____I like your pants to be like an Adobe file. Unzipped.
_____Women are strange creatures, you can stare at them all day long and they just kinda divert your attention, but take a picture of their feet and all hell breaks loose.
_____ITS FUNNY HOW ALL TRUST GOES AWAY WHEN YOU CAN'T FIND THE REMOTE. "ARE YOU SITTING ON IT" "NO" "STAND UP"
_____Still waiting for my prince to come and rescue me.. and pound me endlessly into the night. ;)
_____Some guy next to me told me that he really likes my balls. After beating the living shit outta him, I remembered I was in a bowling ally.
_____I don't bite my tongue but I'd like to bite yours
_____My short term memory says "no" but my short term memory says "yes."
_____If you hack my account, please have the courtesy to spell curse words correctly. Because, you're making us both look bad. Thanks!
_____Saw a really hot pic of a chick on the Internet. First, had to download her. Then had to printer.
_____Sometimes I like to repost some of my older stuff just to see if you all are paying attention.
_____I took home an Oscar once ... At least I think that was his name. (funny Oscar Quote)
_____It's Sunday bitches! (How I greet the female dogs in my neighborhood.)
_____The only "likes" I will get will be from my illiterate friends, who don't care what I call them as long as my statuses look "pretty."
_____Hey beautiful, will you be my valentine? On 1st April? Please! (funny April Fool)
_____oo Hooo... finally been recognised for my knowledge... the Police have told the media I am their primary person of interest ...
_____You know when you've had your fun with a post or a pic and you're pretty much done with it but some jackass keeps coming back with crap and then you click on 'Unfollow post' and then that guy keeps tagging you in the comments..  I really need to stop doing that!
_____I decided I no longer need the approval of others. What do you guys think?
_____I don't like fake people that try to be nice to me, they are like an artificial sweetener..please be all natural with me and we will get along just fine.
_____Is currently taking my " i don't give a shit" attitude to a whole new level. Going upstairs now.
_____Everyone is always bitching about wanting a dislike button but I want a "did you actually just post that lame status....do us all a favor and just go kill yourself now" button. (funny unlike button)
_____Hey People, didn't realize this way a live feed, so go ahead, take your balls out of your girlfriend's purse and stop bitching.
_____My neighbor asked me draw a picture of him so i drew a huge D**k. I hope he likes it.
_____I have perfected the line "I've done all I can. He's in God's hands now...", just in case I one day have to perform emergency open heart surgery on someone in public, miles from the nearest hospital, with a butter knife and sticky tape. Because you never know..."
_____Keep getting this message.....Object cannot be liked. Must be because I don't like stupid shit.
_____I was at the circus last night and the same elephant I fed peanuts to 30 years ago, looked at me and said; "Hey Jaz"
_____This may come as a suprize to most of yoo, but I have a slite problem with speling.
_____Sometimes I sit on my hand until it falls asleep so it feels like someone else... When I punch you in the face
_____Dear teachers who always said I would never amount to much,  My bail has just been set at $100,000. So in your face, suckers

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_____If people dont like my likes, then likes wont get liked by my liking
_____SCIENTIFIC FACT: if you delete your Facebook account, you will reactivate it within five business days. Don't FUQ with science! (funny science quote)
_____Whenever you feel like you're useless, just remember ..... I told you first and I deserve some credit, Damn It!!!! (funny useless quote)
_____I'm proud of all of you guys that gave up drugs and alcohol. I don't want to hang out with you, but I'm proud. (funny drugs quote)
_____I don't understand those abbreviations can someone tell me what the f**k does 'wtf' mean? (funny wtf quote status)
_____I have nothing sarcastic to say. Besides f**k you
_____If you are not so happy with life, Come join us on Google+. We'll make you forget you ever had one. (funny Google+ Quote status)
_____Hey...Don't listen to what these bastards tell you. You're ugly and don't let anybody tell you any different. (funny ugly quote)
_____I am also a non computer person...I am more the Facebooky type...and yes they are words.
_____"I've been all over the world baby! Egypt, Paris, Cuba, Moscow." This is what I said in the club last night. "Google is a powerful search engine." This what I didn't say last night in the club. (funny club joke status)
_____The fact that most of my profile photos are a bit provocative. ....only means don't judge a book by its cover a$$holes.
_____I didn't mean to offend anyone tonight. I was only trying to have fun....but if I did offend you, please....go f**k yourself.
_____At first i thought you were talking shit then realized you were stating facts. Carry on. (shitty quotes)
_____I was investigating a terrorist who was telling me that he kills people because nobody cares about other people! He said his next plan was to kill 4000 people and a donkey, I said y the fucking donkey, he said that's what I'm fucking talking about!!
_____Christ, these people at the mall act like they've never seen a guy masturbating in the fountains before
_____Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 10 times... you're probably my Girl Friend (girl friend status quote)
_____I have been posting here for almost a year and not one of you has a racist comment or joke on me. Quite frankly I'm offended and will be packing my bags and taking my elephant elsewhere
_____How to save the WORLD! Step 1:open a folder and name it "WORLD"  Step 2: then Save it
_____If you and I were equal, I would have to subtract you from the equation. (funny math quote)
_____If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to give each and every one of you absolutely nothing. (funny lotto quote)
_____This waitress is unbelievably sexy and man look at that luscious mouth and piercing eyes and killer body and the way she masterfully handles and twists that pepper grinder like she really knows what she's doing.... Oh! When! When! This is gonna be a spicy meal, can I have extra water? (funny waitress)
_____I don't know why people make such a big deal about me drinking alcohol in a taxi. I just wish they would sit there and shut up until I drop them off (funny taxi status quote)
_____It's been a while since something warmed my heart. But just about every day somebody makes my blood boil. (funny heart quote)
_____Sometimes I don't know where I've been, sometimes I don't know where I'm going....And sometimes I don't know where I'am at.
_____Next time someone ask me where I'm from, especially after accepting their friend request and you can clearly see all that info on my page I'm just going to tell them that I'm from my mom & dad and I've cum a long way!
_____I fear everybody on here is actually one single person logged into multiple accounts simultaneously. (funny social networking)
_____I look at the pics online and realize i wear too much clothes.. I should change the homepage to some non-prono website
_____If I write a status and you make a witty comment which gets more likes..trust me I will hunt u down and kill you!
_____Just because I can't play guitar...and I don't have a beautiful voice....doesn't mean you shouldn't have to listen to my shitty poetry about how life isn't fair (funny life quote)
_____When someone says to me"I need to ask you something" I think of all the bad things I've done recently
_____I was going to remove a bunch of lame statuses that didnt get any likes but I dont know your password
_____People say that i don't know how to express myself but I don't agree with them so I tell them "You are right."
_____Just finished my morning exercise routine I did 4 sit ups in bed to hit the snooze button! Tomorrow we will go for 5!
_____Many people come to me and they say, "Hey!".. then they just walk away.
_____I wanted to go for a run but couldn't. It started to rain. I'm not trying to use that as an excuse either. I just didn't want to get wet...well not in that way at least.

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34 Funny Quotes

_____I wish they put a LIKE button on the "People You May Know" notification I don't know you, I probably don't want to know you, but I like that FB thinks we should be friends (funny i wish quote)
_____Sometimes I try to extrapolate long words into my jokes, even if I don't know what they mean
_____You've got to admire the skill of pro athletes. Imagine convincing somebody to pay you a million dollars to play a game
_____Don't you just hate people who put random, vague and abusive statuses on Facebook clearly directed at an individual but without having the guts to say it to their face...You know who you are (top best funny quote)
_____I don't know about you but I get 'nervous' a lot
_____You really do believe in everything.. if you believe size doesn't matter
_____Sometimes I wish I had an INTERESTING, and EXCITING job like maybe being the person who test toys....NO, not THAT kind of toys!!!!!
_____I like to see the nervous smiles when I walk up to strangers to see if they will let me take a picture of them standing next to me.
_____Once I asked "Why do I have such bad luck with women?" And a voice answered "Because you're an a$$hole!" And I was like "Shut up mom, I wasn't asking you!" Then she's like "Then hang up the phone dumbass!"
_____I've decided that I am going to teach my c**k how to cook breakfast since it insist on being up way before me very day anyways
_____I try really hard to be as transparent as possible when dealing with women, but usually they can still see me and then I get in trouble
_____The only person who listen to both sides of an argument are the next-door neighbors. (funny neighbor quote)
_____I can't reach you from here so, do me a favor and put your hands around your neck and strangle yourself. Thanks!
_____I suspect that I only really have 6 facebook friends with 100 accounts each..
_____If a conjoined twin tells you that she loves you is the correct response, I love you too. or I love you two. ?????
_____What a weird coincidence yesterday! I asked a girl out just a second before she asked me to get out.
_____The most important and meaningful relationship you can have is the one with yourself. So if you excuse me I'm going to have "relations" with myself.
_____I take pride in never copying and pasting, or reposting, a status. Mine are all original and written by me. Which should answer your question - Why are your posts so shit?
_____naked legs are my favorite, i don't mind if the above parts are also naked
_____Trust me when I say ..... Oh never mind ... Don't trust me .... I'll fucking annihilate you if I get the chance
_____You should not trust me .. trust me (funny Trust Quote)
_____Men, there is only one thing you need to be able to please a woman...  STAMINA (funny women quote)
_____Don't say you're "addicted" to chocolate unless you have sucked a d**k to get some (funny chocolate quote joke)
_____After how many months of poking each other on facebook does it finally constitute a "relationship"? (funny relationship quote)
_____I appreciate that you have opinions, I just don't appreciate that you're sharing them with me.
_____"Nice breasts and legs, Oooh, I'd like a little of that on the side" Sexual harassment must be a tricky subject at KFC (funny KFC quote)
_____My boss looked at me and said; "please, get off of facebook and do your job!" I said; "dammit it's called multitasking........LOOK IT UP!" He said; "my God man, you're a doctor performing open heart surgery!"
_____totally ignored ... actually cuz i'm new here ... and that's how new comers are welcomed nowadays
_____i have finally accepted the fact that i have no life so suicide is no longer an option! (funny suicide quote)
_____They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but not if you take a picture of this sentence.
_____Listen honey, you may only be half my age now, but in 10 years time you'll be 2/3 my age. Stick with me and I'll teach you the power of math (funny math quote status)
_____I've got my phone sitting on my lap set to 'vibrate' in case you're wondering why I'm not answering calls right now...... But by all means KEEP CALLING.... thanks;)
_____I HATE it when girls….. have this attitude like they are prettier, smarter, skinnier and more successful than me….and they ARE (funny hate quote)
_____This status is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet (funny status quote)
_____I behaved myself once... it was a long time ago, but I'm still very proud

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33 Funny Quotes

_____With the advance of modern technology like the computer, Internet websites like Facebook and Google have shown us a lot.  Shown us how many weird looking dumb f**kers are out there.
_____I know I just got back from my eye doctor appointment and all but look these are not artificial tears-- > :' (
_____Fat people drive fast because that's the Only time they can go fast! (fat people quote)
_____Wish some people would stop being useless and start being beer. (funny beer quote)
_____'love' comes from the heart.. But i suspect 'boobs' in front contribute a lot! ;-)
_____I think I've figured out why people think I've got a superiority complex. It's because I'm better than them
_____"Do not mess with me unless you are highly intelligent, which youre not, because if you were, youd know not to mess with me, which you are, so don't." - Me, three seconds before getting my ass kicked by someone not as easily confused as Id hoped.
_____You are dead to me!! ~ my speech statement whenever a guy friend gets married.. (funny marriage quote)
_____It's pretty ironic that everyone I see with a walker is a fan of tennis
_____I'm no Doctor, but I know Virginity can be cured.
_____I like the Valentines cards that say "Will you beer my Valentine" (funny valentine quote)
_____The day the music really died was the day someone thought Paris Hilton could sing. (funny Paris Hilton quote)
_____I can't wait for the timeline so I can figure out where I've been and what the Hell I've been doing for the last year!
_____I think I'm ready for a second career. My first career is unemployment (funny unemployment quote)
_____I never re post, first of all because I'm too lazy to copy and paste, secondly because I'm too busy flying my spy plane over your house in the hopes you'll say something witty and clever that I can use as a status.
_____Will Facebook allow me to use a naked picture as a cover for my timeline profile? I mean its all about art!! Also, its me in the nude (funny timeline cover quote status)
_____Lost my friend in the airport today, so I quickly took my phone logged on to Facebook and went to Find Friend...............thanks for nothing Mark! (funny Mark Zukerberg status joke)
_____Behind every great man, there's a woman who knows he occasionally likes to pee sitting down.
_____I stopped poking you 3 days ago. How long before this rash goes away? (funny poke quote status)
_____ATTENTION!!!! For your safety and well being I offer the following advice: Deeper, Harder, and Faster are NOT the best "safe words" to use!!!!!
_____Just so nobody felt left out, I "poked" your mom and sister too......
_____Tried to be an organ donor in high school...but the ladies said no.
_____It’s true! A picture is worth a thousand words. I saw this girl’s pic and I repeated "f**king ugly" 500 time
_____I went out this morning and got donuts for the kids but ate them all on the way back home....f**k them.
_____they say beauty is on the inside...well someone needs to turn my ugly wife inside out
_____Accidentally took an Ambien instead of a Claritin today. Should make for an interesting night at work. (funny drug quote)
_____if a girl gets 200 likes and 300 comments the only thing missing is her clothes
_____If you're contemplating suicide, call me, I can help.  I have guns, knives, axes, rope (funny suicide quote status)
_____I don't understand why people don't like me. I do everything I can to piss them off.
_____I was reading our local paper the other day....had a funny comment....there was no like button to hit...WITH!
_____Eight.... It took me eight tries to get the USB drive in the right hole. No wonder my girlfriend shouts at me so much.
_____Decided to try being as honest as possible with everyone today. So now I'm single, homeless, unemployed, banned from our local church, pub and supermarket, and on the run from the law. Best policy, my arse.
_____I may not be the sexiest woman out there but DAMMIT I'M FUNNY and I have big tits!
_____I hate it when I meet someone new and they say "don't worry, I don't bite", ya cause the first thing I think when I meet a person is "HOLY SHIT that bitch is gonna bite me"

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32 Funny Quotes

_____Temptation is bad... but in a very awesome way :-D (funny temptation quote status)
_____the awkward moment when someone gives a creepy stare and you stare somewhere else (funny awkward moment quote)
_____I thought you were my facebook friend, turns out you're just another facebook "user" (facebook user quote)
_____I like saying inappropriate things around children. It gets them ready for the real world (funny parenting quote status joke)
_____Why the "hell" do people keep "misusing" quotation marks??
_____(I need more) F**K (in) MY LIFE (funny life quote)
_____Sir, can i f**k your daughter? WHAT??? I said, can i have a glass of water? (funny daughter quote)
_____Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again." Most guys probably (funny relationship quote)
_____if anyone asks why I'm groping them, its because love is blind. Yea that's why (funny love quote)
_____Some folks are well off. I'm just well, off.  (funny folk quote)
_____Yes this look on my face does mean " I want to punch you"
_____Good things come to those who 'bait....... So i'll just be here, .... 'waiting till something good comes : )
_____You know how shirts come with an extra button just in case you lose one. I think socks should come with one extra sock just to be on the safe side (funny sock quote)
_____Once a year I do this thing with my ex where I call her in the middle of the night, sing, "♪♫ I just called to say... (long pause).. FUCK YOU BITCH!!!" then hang up (funny ex status quote)
_____I seem to have lost my mind this morning. If you find it, can you please pick it up? I'd put on some gloves first if I were you though...it's a dirty thing (funny mind quote)
_____Question: So when you "poke" someone on Facebook, where exactly are you poking them??? (funny poke status)
_____I woke up this morning, saw that there is a roof over my head ..... life is good! (funny life quote)
_____Out of all the millions of colors the human eye can see... NAKED is the one I see the clearest (funny naked quote)
_____I'm going back to MySpace........ People there actually commented on how hot i was in all my pics. It's like you guys don't care how I feel (funny myspace quote)
_____I'm a great dancer... If you're comparing me to Stephen Hawking (funny Stephen Hawking quote)
_____i am a girl with daddy issues which is the reason for all my boyfriend issues (funny daddy issues quote)
_____i dont know about love.. but am surely falling in lust with you ;-) (funny love lust quote)
_____Tonight I did a little role play....I ate breakfast for dinner...in bed :)
_____7, 3, 11, 9, 5... the lottery numbers. What are the odds? (funny lotto quote)
_____I love that cute little thing you do with your mouth :) You know....when you shut the f**king thing
_____Told my friend today I was feeling lonely. She said, Don't worry, it's probably just an isolated incident.
_____Don't hate the bitch. Hate the d**khead that made her that way
_____I like other people's statuses like I like my Kentucky Fried Chicken recipe......ORIGINAL (funny KFC quote)
_____My brain, my second best organ (funny brain quote)
_____I really dont want to brag about it but as soon as hot girls see me, they want to get in shape to impress me. So they start running
_____Looking at where I've come from [~•] to where I'm at now , I'm amazed at how far I've come!
_____To the bitch behind me in the 12 items or less check out line givin' me dirty looks.. my 30 bananas and 20 cucumbers equals 2 muthafuckin' items.. so shutty! :)

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31 Funny Quotes

_____ Taking an extended break from Facebook. Be back in 15 minutes  (Facebook addiction quote)
_____ I'm not a fan. Or a heater, or any other appliance, but DEFINITELY not a fan
_____ I'm sorry, but the amount of alcohol I would have to consume in order to find you remotely attractive would actually kill me so
_____ I try to "poke" you gently but, my mouse is dirty so I have to slam it!
_____ There is about 1/8 of an inch difference between a friendly smile and a really, really creepy smile (funny smile quote)
_____ The only reason I friended you was to get the extra likes on my statuses. Now, do your job or get replaced
_____ Q: What's the difference between an idiot and a wizard? 
A: You're not a wizard (idiot wizard status joke)
_____ Girls, if your boyfriend is more excited about valentine than you, he probably has a boyfriend (funny boyfriend quote)
_____ I was going to work.......but then someone commented on my status!!
_____ I'm like an Italian cruise ship captain in bed. Always the first to get off.. (funny Italian Cruise Ship Captain quote)
_____ If you have no sense of humor and youre just going to report ppl all the time then b***h you should get the f**k out like a tittie on a drunk 18yr old at mardi gras!
_____ This timeline thing is a killer! What's with the tiny pic in the corner of a gargantuan pic? I'm not stalking your profile to see what a sunset or mountain range looks like!
_____ I'm so good...even my mistakes are perfect!
_____ If I rub up against your post, do you think you can make it better?
_____ If you're going to come in my office at night at least have the decency to slam the door so I can wake up and pretend i'm working
_____ They fed me hope, but I vomitted up lies.
_____ You know its a good status when you have more "likes" than minutes its been posted
_____ I saw two of my exes talking… It’s a cuntspiracy
_____ My wife seems to think she's the boss of me but once I've done the pots, washing, vacuuming, ironing and made coffee..... I'll show her who's boss.
_____ Sometimes you've got it, and sometimes you're like me.
_____ The first line of this status was not mine originally.
But this line is! :D
_____ Privacy is very important to me. That is why I only share sensitive information with my closest 800 friends on Facebook
_____ I prefer men with very little self esteem...they are always much more grateful.
_____ If I were flying a commercial jet due south against a head wind at 80,000 feet on a Wednesday at 7:15 pm with 212 passengers on board then what in the heck were the pilots thinking
_____ I just want you all to know that when I read your posts, I read them in the celebrities voice you most remind me of
_____ I put the ‘toast’ in ‘toaster’. Then I take the ‘toast’ out of the ‘toaster’
_____ the best part about the day.. Giving hi-fy to urself looking in mirror.. Yay
_____ If u fall off a horse dust yourself off and get a car
_____ Waiting for my soul mate to suddenly show up into my life and start spanking me.
_____ if you're a quitter go to twitter (funny twitter quote)
_____ Well life just kicked me in the balls again...guess I'll stop dreaming about being president like they told me in grade school.
_____ She said ''In Love No Thank You and No Sorry''..so I punched her in the kidney...and then on the face.


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30 Funny Quotes

_____If I have to wash my mouth out with soap, does that mean I get to shower with toothpaste? (Funny toothpaste quote status joke)
_____It's our fault that kids wear their pants so low. We've always told them "hind sight is 20/20".... so now they're keeping an eye out (low pants quote)
_____You don't know what you've got, till it's gone.....
So...... could you leave to let me know for sure?
_____To the men: Hold on, hold on.....I'll remember your name! It's either Bud, Buddy, Dude, Guy, Pal, Bro, Homie, Chief, Captain or Man... right? To the ladies: Hold on, hold on.....I'll remember your name! Hi, beautiful
_____I love to crack people up. Sometimes they don't want the crack but they'll learn to love it.
_____Whenever I read a hilarious status I convince myself that I thought of it first then I high five myself for the creativity
_____If Facebook were to crash, would you feel like you've "lost all your friends"?  It's sad that we live in a world where the majority of people would say "Yes".
_____I've decided to assume everything I don't understand is a compliment. I'm just responding with lot of "Thank you"s.
_____On a scale from 1 to 10, I think you are 10, but let me get 9 more scales for you to stand on to confirm that.
_____I didn't see anyone important today so I'm going to wear the same clothes tomorrow
_____I lost my 5 subscriber after posting my non-concern for owls. I must stop being so politically controversial.
_____Don't you hate when you wake up and... no that's it.. don't you hate it?
_____‎The new Facebook "timeline" is pretty accurate. It sucks almost as much as my real life does. (funny timeline quote)
_____This will be the last status I ever right. You read that wrong. Write?
_____It is better to have loved and lost then to be stuck with some idiot forever (funny love quote)

_____When you call someone "a whore", make sure they're actually charging money; because some of us are just sluts and love doing it for free
_____Dear Friends, especially my female friends. When I am quiet I am not mad. When I am quiet I am not sad. When I am quiet I am not worried. When I am quiet I am not sick. When I am quiet I am not plotting. When I am quiet I am not depressed. When I am quiet I am just quiet.
_____Whenever I go to the bathroom, I like to tell people I need to go make a political decision. It makes it sounds as if it is an important thing to do.
_____After my last post That girl text me saying: Never text me again, you creep. Clearly she wants me to call her instead. Right?
_____I'm gonna read a book, what a novel idea.
_____I'm living each day as if it were the last..... I was an a$$hole yesterday so don't expect anything different today.
_____Facebook is awesome.I can post my deepest thoughts and personal ideas and share with millions of people around the world...or I can just post this picture of someones kitten
_____It feels like I was beaten up last night for some reason.
_____No, officer I am not naked, I'm wearing socks
_____My boss doesn't seem to understand that " go f**k yourself" is the only way I know how to say good morning at 6 am
_____‎‎Face slaps should be called hand hugs. It just sounds better when im trying to explain my side of the story.
_____Just because you have a witty tongue, doesn't necessarily mean you have a sharp mind. :)
_____I don't know how to tweet....and I'm okay with that.
_____Sure i can be positive!!!!!. ....I am positively sure your a dumbass...how's that :)
_____Be positive. Always tell yourself "I can! I can!" then think about it for a second and add a "never".
_____Some people are just too nice to hate. I hate people like that.
_____When I love somebody, I don't set them free, I set them on fire cuz, shit....if I can't have them, NOBODY can.
_____Every time a really hot woman approaches me and begs me to have hug with her, I pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. And I always wake up.
_____Happy Chinese New Year, everyone! I'm going to celebrate by eating my neighbor's dog for dinner. (funny Chinese year quote)
_____if you can't find any friends to play with, you can always play with yourself

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