33 Hilarious, Cool, Clever and Funniest Status Updates

_______A twisted sense of humor runs in my family. I f my uncle had not poked pinholes in my dad's condoms you would not be reading this.

_______I wish that Liars' pants really would set on fire. That way we'd know by the flames who not to associate with.

_______Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it’s none of my f**king business.

_______I f you're good you can be on Santa's nice list......If you're naughty you can be on My Friends list!

_______"I  can' t I 'm dying on Friday!" - the response to anyone who asks me to do something on Friday.

_______I  laugh at addictions, I  can get off Facebook anytime I 'd like, take now for example as I  leave and go to the store for a pack of smokes.

_______I f you've been in a beauty contest and didn't start blowing the microphone during the talent portion, then you're just another pretty face.

_______Irony is when the vet tells you that your dog needs to have a CAT scan.

_______When I  was growing up the best social network site was the park.

_______A kid pointed at me saying "You've got autism!" I  said "That's a big word for someone who is 3,632 days old."

_______Just a fair warning, running aluminium foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is strongly discouraged.

_______We have an inspirational poster in the break room at work that says nothing because posters cant talk.

_______Thought I  was listening to Skrillix... until I  heard the radio announcer say "This concludes our test of the emergency broadcast system."

_______Drinking coffee like I'm going to be productive or something.

_______I f you wear your heart on your sleeve... you should probably go to the hospital and get that sh!t checked out.

_______Voltage divided by current is futile.

_______Sometimes I wish people still said 'spiffing' instead of 'awesome' . Mainly so that I don' t sound like such a twat when I say it myself.

________Huh, what? Sorry... for a minute there, you actually bored me to death.

________You'd think we'd get the apocalypse off to spend with our families, but NOOO. Instead, I get told to stop being silly and get back to work.

________Can't wait to see my kids' faces light up on Christmas morning when I set fire to my house for insurance purposes.

________A jogger just yelled at me for blocking the side walk with my car & I  tried to apologize but accidentally said “nice spandex faggot”

________Although the weather outside is frightful, & my bed is so delightful, but since my wife said "No",its off to work I  go, work I  go, work I  go.

________Some believe that bad people go to Hell when they die. Personally I think an eternity in Walmart during the Christmas season would be much worse.

________That awkward moment when your at the red light and a cop pulls up next to you an you try to reach for your seat belt and the damn thing locks up! Never fails.

________Last night I  slept for 7 hours straight...and after hugging my teddy bear tight.. I  slept for 4 hours gay.

________I  drove into town and saw the ruins left behind by the devastation I thought....."Maybe the Mayans were right all along"......Then I  realized I was in Chicago.

________If you are a Good Girl Santa will come once. But on a brighter note. If your Really Naughty I'll come twice.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________Last night I  slept for 7 hours straight...and after hugging my teddy bear tight.. I  slept for 4 hours gay.

________I  drove into town and saw the ruins left behind by the devastation I thought....."Maybe the Mayans were right all along"......Then I  realized I was in Chicago.

________If you are a Good Girl Santa will come once. But on a brighter note. If your Really Naughty I'll come twice.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________I  drove into town and saw the ruins left behind by the devastation I thought....."Maybe the Mayans were right all along"......Then I  realized I was in Chicago.

________If you are a Good Girl Santa will come once. But on a brighter note. If your Really Naughty I'll come twice.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________If you are a Good Girl Santa will come once. But on a brighter note. If your Really Naughty I'll come twice.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________Have you ever tried to watch a fart in the cold? I  am standing outside in the snow and I  just walked in three circles.

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32 Funny Witty and Hilarious Status about Government Shutdown, Apple, Yahoo and Walmart

_______If I had to pick one thing I hate most about driving and texting... it's probably all the people that show up out of nowhere on the sidewalk.
_______If you close your eyes and walk into Walmart... it smells just like PetSmart. (funny Walmart status)
_______I wonder what the people of Walmart do with all that extra time? You know, the time they save not brushing their teeth or getting dressed
_______People say potheads are lazy but I just reached under my couch to get a lighter
_______I don't care about the government shutdown because liquor stores are run by the state (funny status about US government shutdown)
_______I don't care that the government shut down, I just wish it would shut up.
_______did they even try a government restart before the government shut down?
_______Government jokes? It's like people haven't been fooled ten billion times before.

_______My neighbor mowed his lawn at 6am so tonight I am going to get drunk and learn to play the drums
_______one advantage of dying will be that when my life flashes before my eyes, I can finally find out again what my old Yahoo mail password was... (funny yahoo status)
_______Sadly though, very few Girlfriends actually get married by their Boyfriends ... The rest are probably used as passwords for Yahoo Mail accounts...
_______I don't know why this guy in my basement doesn't understand that those handcuffs are just friendship bracelets.
_______Standing in Starbucks without a phone; What do I do with my hands? Where do I look? How do I pay? Oooh, eye contact... AWKWARD. (funny status about Starbucks)
_______Excuse me..I don't mean to interrupt your swagger...but I noticed your pants were down below your A$$...Congratulations on your weight loss. (funny swag status)
_______According to experts, a successful marriage is about give and take. According to women, a successful marriage is about give and Take Back. (funny marriage status)
_______Scientists have confirmed that aliens do exist and in fact could be living next door to you as humans. So I shot the hot woman who just moved in next door. because her A$$ was definitely outta this world.
_______No matter how bad things get in your life, I want you to know that I'll continue giving you irrelevant advice instead of actually helping you.
_______Sweetheart, how can you say I don't love you anymore?? I never loved you in the first place!! (funny love status)
_______I have a sharp memory. I remember what happened last week as if it happened 20 years ago.
_______So I asked the driver to take a right once we reach station and he was all like, "This is a F**kin' train, a**hole!"
_______If you love somebody, hold them tight and squeeze them till they feel suffocated and die of shortness of breath... and if they don't let you... They don't love you back.
_______I wasn't hiding. I was just admiring the circumference of this pillar.
_______If you're looking for the wrong answers, you have come to the right place.
_______Everyday is a Monday when you don't want to work.
_______So this really hot woman tells me,'Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?' So I told her, "Yeah I do. But what I don't wish for her to be is a hooker like you
_______I often ask kids whether they prefer strawberry ice cream or vanilla ice cream.  99% of them reply, "Where's my mommy?"
_______Sorry I'm late... I made an origami sailors hat out of a Waffle House napkin and got promoted to head chef.
_______If you die while using a Mac, your life won't flash before your eyes because Apple no longer supports it. (funny Apple Mac status)
_______Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.
_______The air here is fresh enough to notice that someone spoilt it (funny fart status)
_______so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
_______Just saw this Indian lady collapsed on the street... I was wondering whether i should press the red panic button on her forehead.
_______Cop: license and registration please. Me: (gives cop both) Cop: Sir, have you drinking tonight? Me: no. Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

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31 Funny, Witty and Hilarious status Updates

_______I am not saying your breath is bad, but last time I caught a whiff I stopped, dropped, and rolled.

_______Whomever came up with the slogan of "the quicker picker upper" for Bounty obviously never tried Adderall.

_______Dont judge me but I'm looking at a single corn seed in my hand and yelling- I HAVE A UNI-CORN.

_______Sometimes i find myself thinking about the profound complexities of the universe, galaxies, our solar system, nature and its forces,the wonders of quantum physics, then i ask myself,''why do men have nipples?''

_______My kids found my whip, my handcuffs and my mask in my room. So I just explained to them I was a superhero.

_______"Things change. Whether for better or for worse, we find out later - and that's a good thing, I suppose, because otherwise, either everything would change, or absolutely nothing." - Me, being all philosophical and shit.

_______Hey Blondy! you don't have to lick your finger to flip the page... on ipad

_______Synonym is an antonym for antonym, but antonym is not a synonym for synonym. And I'm not even high or anything.

_______I'm not wearing any makeup today, so I'm planning on getting a ton of "Are you okay?" questions.

_______I was in town today and a guy just wouldn't stop staring at me, so I squared up to him and asked what his problem was.  He quickly backed off, so I got back on my unicycle and continued juggling....

_______Writing "Happy birthday dipshit. Hope you choke on your cake because you never like anything I post" is a good way to get deleted. Who knew?

_______My boss told me that if I don't stop blasting 80s metal music at work he was going to start Dokken my pay

_______This status is going to be short because this toilet seat is cold

_______I started doing the Insanity workout today and I have to say if you believe that you are crazy

_______Forgive me Facebook for I have sinned. It has been over 30 minutes since my last update

_______The nice thing about no one reading your posts is you can whatever the f**k you want to say

_______I entered a contest to have dinner with the cast of Twilight. I hope I win so I can piss off their fans when I don't show up

_______I wanted to post something pragmatic here but I am not sure that is even a real word

_______My vocabulary is as bad as, like, whatever

_______How many times am I supposed to let my coworkers phone ring when he doesn't answer it before I drop it in a glass of water

_______Stalking people is so much harder in the winter. Their windows fog up so much easier and they can see my breath from behind the tree.

_______If you've never flipped on and off a light switch while making thunder noises... then you weren't at my first rave party at my house in 1986.

_______I'm watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.

_______Move along... just a guy saving money for a vacation... move along

________Learn to say no, after your tenth pizza slice that is.

________Even Bad Luck Brian appears happy in the meme after all that he's gone through and you think you've got problems.

________The sun feels sorry for you. please stop blaming it for wearing sunglasses indoors.

________Watching half-naked men hug each other and lay down to cover one another only to decide who did it better is NOT what WWE is all about.

________Please to park your car elsewhere! Can't you see my groceries are resting there?

________Stop posing in front of a mirror. Believe me nobody ever got famous for laughing at their own reflection while capturing a brilliant moment.

________Every other individual is ruined by facing the mirror with a phone, faking a smile and dying afterwards.

________Give man a pizza and he'll add ketchup and make it a dessert.

30 Funny Witty and Hilarious Statuses

_______If it doesn't kill you...............it only needs to be made stronger!!

_______the only time i did window shopping is when i wanted to buy a window

_______Some people are as pointless as the second window at McDonald's

_______Not only do I stalk your page, at night you might feel a 'POKE'.

_______I don't know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb but I guarantee you they'd post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.

_______Only one more 250 lb. fat chick until I can truthfully say I've been with a ton of women!

_______I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i'm pretty sure they're hallucinations.

_______My wife said I don't listen and a whole bunch of other... somethin.

_______Whenever you feel sad... just remember somewhere in the world there's an idiot trying to pull open a car door handle as it's being unlocked.

_______I really was gonna jog at the park this morning....but I just found an empty park bench so I'll just have a few puffs and cheered the joggers on, instead.

_______Most of you, like waking up in the morning, to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received.   I like waking up in the morning....to see..... WTF I posted!

_______If Plan A and B fails... don't worry! Just go to Plan F and U.

_______My fantasy football team is all cheerleaders.

_______That awkward moment when you log onto facebook and it says 9:30 pm... you look two minutes later it says 12:45 am.

_______I'd make a joke about the post office but you won't get it for 3-5 business days.

_______Well, I've had an evening so enjoyable that I honestly couldn't give a flying f**k how yours went. (Sarcastic status)

_______I think classical music was created solely for making murders feel a lot cooler..

_______I've just bought this new digital camera and none of my pictures come out wonderful....................being ugly sucks

_______"Liking" your post doesn't necessarily mean I agree with the status... sometimes it just means "Look at how stupid this person is."

_______I never panic during a crisis because most of the time I'm the cause.

_______I thought my husband was cheating on me with another woman. He's not, though, it's still the same woman.

_______My apologies for not being on Facebook yesterday...I was watching this chic trying to parallel park.

_______Medication is easy, it's the prescription that's the hard part

_______This Christmas I'm going to give the gift of laughter and good cheer...but first I have to separate it into little plastic baggies.

_______My attention span is shorter than an Amish phone book

_______If at first you don't succeed then you're probably a pathetic loser.

_______I ain't afraid of no ghost. No? Well your double negative suggests that actually you are, you uneducated ghostbusting moron scaredy cat.

_______I'd like to see Dora get lost & have to blow some dude for a ride home.  Kids need to learn that not all adventures end with a happy dance.

_______Forgive and Forget?   I'm neither Jesus, nor do I have Alzheimers.

_______Anybody that believes there is no such thing as a free ride should see me at work.

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29 Funny, Witty, Hilarious Statuses

________When I see a flash mob in public I join in just to make it look like they didn't practice enough

________Finally learnt to speak Chinese. Now I just need to say stuff that makes sense.

________Talent used to be measurement of gold. Now it is a measurement of YouTube hits.

________This guy got arrested for wearing a fanny pack. Apparently, you have to wear clothes underneath it.

________Whenever I see a classic car in a parking lot, I put a "for sale" sign on it with my ex's number...just because

________A suicide note is just a short autobiography

________I am not saying she is to blame but a lot of bad things have happened since Martha Stewart got out of prison

________It's all fun and games until you lose your memory, then it just becomes a game.

________I've realized being optimistic will not solve all my problems, but it sure can annoy enough pessimists to make optimism worth it.

________As I was listening to myself sneeze, I realized it sounds like "eh choo" not "ah choo" so I think maybe my sneeze is Canadian?!?!

________This one time... I bought a lamp from china before I realized it was just some dude in a rice paddy hat sitting on a baby elephant.

________This one time I roller skated on my hands and hi fived everyone with my bare feet.

________I find it's best not to ask if things can get any worse unless you're up for the challenge.

________If any of you would have told me 25 years ago where I'd be today, I would have said get out of my face you cruel, sadistic non-psychic bastard.

________Calls my pharmacist my drug dealer because it just sounds more exciting...and my life is way boring.

________Hot pugtato is a party game that involves players gathering in a circle and tossing a pug to each other while music plays.

________If I was an electrician I'd probably be fired pretty quickly since I envision I'd wander around a lot saying "I got 99 problem but a switch ain't one"

________I refuse to use any product associated with animals, which is why I've stopped buying that Dove soap.

________I brought my sick sense of humor here because, well, I don't have any health insurance.

________Don’t do anything you are not prepared to explain to a paramedic

________FYI..If your back starts to itch really bad when you're standing at the urinal, never, ever, ask the guy standing next to you to scratch your back.

________First time I met my old girlfriend she said she was bi. I couldn't think of anything sexier. Until I found out she meant bipolar

________I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and I have mixed feelings about it.

________Then there are those people who need such structure and daily routine in their lives that they have to plan to be spontaneous.

________I told this girl I met tonight I'm rubbing your legs to keep the mosquitoes from biting you ;)

________Me and my buds just finished igniting the last of the fireworks, we had left over from the 4th. We were like; HIGH FOUR!

________Give a man fish and you'll feed him for a day...... Give a fish a man and you're probably in the Mafia.

________My girl said she's leaving me because I never make any sense...and that's why I don't like lettuce.

________A retard...What do you call that person who reads the punchline first and then the rest of the status?

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28 Funny, Witty, Clever and Hilarious Facebook Statuses

_______I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me, "I'm so sorry I slept with you're brother" Can you believe she used "you're" instead of "your"!

_______When life hands you lem... *slips on a banana peel*

_______Sometimes you dream about people, not because they are in your heart but because they are on your hitlist

_______I'm glad that after 20 years of marriage I can still make my wife smile and be happy, mostly when I leave for work

_______My neighbor bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now she can't sneak up on the cat to put it on him.

_______Hmmm it's a nice rainy day....I should wear white, do my hair, wash the car and water the yard today.

_______I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i'm the one

_______Remember that really funny status you posted yesterday ? Yeah, me either...

_______Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn't know you...

_______You get a great sense of achievement when you accomplish things....so I heard anyway.

_______Everyone is always talking about "getting high on Life" but this cereal sucks and it hurts my nose..

_______My hubby thinks I spend too much time on Facebook. Don't worry, you guys. My next husband won't mind.

_______I need your advice. I'm not insecure, am I?

_______You know you're watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear "May the Force be with you," you hear, "And also with you."

_______My girlfriend is soooo awesome. Attractive, funny, good-natured, kind ... I know my wife and her would get along fabulously if they met.

_______I'm at my sexiest, when I'm standing next to someone really unattractive....

_______By the time I'm done, if a picture of my liver doesn't end up in a medical college textbook in the Cirrhosis chapter, then my time here will have been wasted.

_______How many light bulbs does it take to change people? Especially the ones that need to see the light.

_______THIS protein bar doesn't taste like protein. I know what protein tastes like.

_______You know you're getting older when you start singing along to the songs in a grocery store.

_______Bananas turn black and blue because the secretly practice boxing while we're sleeping at night..

_______After a lot of visits from the Stork your favorite bird becomes the Swallow.

_______My secret to success? Embracing my failures, loving them and calling them success. Pretty easy!

_______The phones we have nowadays are pieces of shit. Try to use them for just a little while and the batteries die. If you drop them the screens crack. F**k this, I'm going back to using a brick as a phone.

_______I'm only poking you back out of politeness....

_______All my statuses are original, I'm just not the one who came with them.

_______I knew from the first time I saw her that she was my soulmate, but my wife seemed to think otherwise.

________It's safe to like someone's status without reading it if it got at least 5 likes. It's just like laughing in real life for no reason just because everyone's laughing.

________Shifting your focus can change your perspective and open you to new ideas. So can drugs

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26 Funny, Witty, Hilarious and Clever Facebook Statuses

_______I always knew I had something special that attracts women towards others men

_______I correct your spelling in my head while you're talking.

_______"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." ~ people who have never seen a jumping spider probably

_______I almost made it the entire day without washing my hair under the Slurpee machine at 7-11.

_______Every year my clothes seem to shrink while simply hanging in the closet.

_______Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.

_______I reckon I must have said ''I don't give a f**k'' in my head at least twenty times today.

_______Marriage is like this post... which is also stupid.

_______You certainly seem to have an inordinate amount of drama in your life for a person who spends 15 hours a day on Facebook....

_______If I have learned anything from personal experience, it's that I haven't learned anything from personal experience.

_______If I had known that the carhops at Sonic could skate that fast I would have never stolen my lunch!

_______I'm sorry I ate your Packers cheesehead hat... I think it's pretty self explanatory.

_______Now I totally get it Doors. Break on through to the other side was about single ply toilet paper right

_______Girl you gotta be a tube of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls...cause you make me wanna bang you on the counter

_______The best part to being unemployed is getting to hangout with all of the senior citizens doing cross word puzzles at McDonald's in the morning.

_______Catch a grenade for you? Step in front of a train for you? Bruno Mars isn't being romantic.He is showing signs of being suicidal.

_______If anyone tells you that you put too much Parmesan cheese on your pasta, ignore them. You do not need that kind of negativity in your life.

_______Me and my girlfriend had an argument last night when I dropped an ice cube and kicked it under the icebox. Now things are OK because it's just water under the fridge.

_______Have I told you about this incident where I am awesome and everyone else is a b!tch?   ~ how a lot of people should start describing their stories!

_______It's like no one cares that I spent all weekend making a Lincoln Log house out of dried up dog poop.

_______I plead the 5th..... For you. I'm begging you to just shut up!

_______You know, you can tell me anything, I never listen to you anyway so it won't make any difference what you say.

_______I'm a member of an Asian gang... or more commonly known as...a study group.

_______Whenever my kids drink out of my water bottle, I never look at it the same again.

_______This one time, I spent like eighteen hours watching a fly putting in contact lenses.

_______I wonder is it possible to be orgasmed to death...

_______I have a feeling that whoever coined the phrase "it's what's on the inside that matters" was talking about drug mules.

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54 Funny Quotes

_____ If you are a passenger in my car and you start singing along to what ever the hell I may be listening to... I will drive that car right off a f**king cliff!

_____ My family didn't even know I was a drinker... until I went to the reunion sober!

_____ Listen lady... When I say "You're beautiful!" The correct response should be "Thank you." Not, "Why is your hand down your pants!?"

_____ Just made a wish by throwing a coin in the fountain.... Guess it didn't work, cause all these people are still staring at me in the mall food court while I take a bath!

_____ Well, I did it... I took the bull by the horns. Now I sh!t myself and walk with a limp

_____ My medicine cabinet looks a lot like my liquor cabinet... minus the medicine (funny liquor quote)

_____ Insulting me will get you nowhere... plus it makes you look like a f**ktard! (insulting quotes)

_____ I get so damn nervous when driving past a cop... I put a seat-belt around my case of beer, slam the open one, swallow the roach and do 4 miles an hour, and just smile and wave! :)

_____ The Internet has totally ruined nudity for me. :(

_____ I'll admit it, I get a little nasty every time I see a camel wearing yoga pants around their feet.

_____ Honey, I'd feel a lot better if you wouldn't chop cucumbers like that... while I'm sleeping in bed!

_____ Building for Rent is the stupidest name change I have ever heard of, for my local Blockbuster.

_____ Is it just me or does Stevie Nicks look like sh!t in that Burger King commercial?

_____ Sometimes, when I'm feeling really old school... I'll pull out a pair of gloves, and smack you across the face.

_____ Whenever someone stops and asks me for directions... I like to punch em in the face, knocking them unconscious, then drive to the liquor store, get drunk, puke in their car, drive back, wake them up and say... No. (funny drunk quote status)

______ I hate in when I see a hot girl, friend request her, text for weeks, decide to meet... and find out its my wife... again! (funny wife quote)

_____ Too many romantic movies and too few hanging ropes

_____‎"I need help".   Ok let me know if you need help - fb friends.

_____You're a f**king idiot, not to be rude or anything

_____If a girl you like rejects you,accuse her of witchcraft,and have her burned at the....no wait,this one's out of date...so nevermind

_____They are saying that the guy who is making jokes about Mark Zuckerberg's marriage will be banned from Facebook. But he is still a Mystery

_____I need a lifeguard in my life because some friends be killing me, especially the ones with bad breath!

_____Most funny people use humor to mask pain and I am no exception. All of my life I have been made fun of...for having a freakishly large organ

_____If your dad asks I was with you last night ok?

_____If anyone asks, I've been here all day. You all are now apart of my alibi... don't f*ck this up!

_____The thing I like about masturbating is that it turns premature ejaculation into effective time management.

_____If having kids has taught me anything, is that it's never too early to get a Vasectomy.

_____I don't want to sound racist or anything, but I'll bet black construction paper prefers white crayons

_____Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She's been talking for the last 2 days and doesn't seem ready to end anytime soon. (funny Siri quote)

_____So as I found myself drunk again on my birthday, I had to take a long hard look at myself in the mirror...then wonder why I was peeing in the sink.....again.....and what happened to my underwear anyway?

_____The only negative thing about not wearing' any underwear is.. zipper chaffage. :(

_____Looks like all the pictures of the sun in my news feed today will ECLIPSE all the pictures of talking cats (funny solar eclipse quote)

_____There was a blackout in my neighborhood this morning.He was just walking his dog but I still locked my doors

_____So there I was sitting in the restaurant having a wank..................when I thought............that's a weird name for a sandwich

_____Do they let you select your own color when they put you in a straight jacket?......asking for a friend.....

_____I missed the eclipse yesterday...... But if you cross your eyes and squint, it looks like there's an eclipse all the time.......... I'm kind of a scientist........ (funny eclipse quote)

_____my friends think so low of me.. which proves they know me well.. :-D

_____Whenever someone brags about their diet, I send a cookie request from 'bakerytown'

_____The East Coast couldn't see the solar eclipse. That is prejudice, eclipse. Prejudice. (funny eclipse quote status)

_____I asked my son if he wanted a better view of the eclipse. When he said yes I mooned him. Get it? The moon was in front of the son. Yeah he didnt laugh either (Solar eclipse quote status joke)

_____My friend is so fat the only thing that fits him at the mall is the cologne

_____They raised her up a lady but there's one thing they couldn't avoid.. ladies love biker boys! :)

_____They say that 43% of the hot chicks on Facebook are really guys thats why I only jack off to the ugly ones

_____I don't know which is gayer... This post or you liking it?

_____Well, if you didn't want me to joust your kid while riding this ostrich... then you should of took him off the f*cking playground!

_____I recently bought a guard dog and he is really awesome... I haven't been able to get into my house for 3 days now!

_____if i poke you means i like you.. if i try to kill you.. its probably love

_____My roommate said to me, Im sick of you being so lazy...just pack your bags and leave...and I was all You pack them. (lazy quote)

_____If writing statuses were an Olympic sport some of you wouldn't qualify for the Special ones (funny Olympic quote status)

_____Sometimes the best advice comes from the most unsuspected people............Just last night a hooker told me "I wouldn't lick there if I was you"

_____call the cops on me for driving over your grass with my four wheeler? Just wait to see what 50 pounds of flour does to your swimming pool.

_____I hope my online gf never finds out that there is no wife and that I'm only leaving my stuffed animals behind.

_____Don't let anyone tell "YOU" you're not good enough. Let me. Trust me, I wouldn't steer you wrong.

_____Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to go to a public place and eat a banana really slow while making eye contact with everyone. Everyone.

_____People always say its a small world but I never run into Beyonce

_____My car broke down so my wife gave me a lift to work today.................I don't know why people thought it was so strange for her to be carrying me in her arms! (funny quote status about wife)

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_____The wife said she wanted me to do something to make her feel special, so I bought her a foam helmet (funny wife quote status)

_____I can make sandwiches while face down or on my back. just consider me the perfect woman.

_____Hey kids, it is easier to make a fake state liquor inspectors ID than a 21 year olds' ID, and a hell of a lot more fun.

_____I just opened an advice booth... and the answer is always "F**k yeah!" NEXT!

_____Kissing things better is for babies. If I'm sad you should lick me better.

_____I finally found LOVE!!! Page 803 in the dictionary.

_____I still think that if people put "what's on their mind" and were honest---statistically the most popular status update would be lust.

_____Just found out that Google searches stay on your hard drive forever.. Needless to say my PC will never be for sale.. (funny Google quote status)

_____Great news everyone, my grandma' turns 103 next month ................................. Maybe.

_____In a survey it was assessed that apparently 100% of the guys who have seen me with or without clothes wish that i should try wearing Cat-woman or super-woman outfits.. :-D

_____things you play with excessively sometimes break.. like toys.. someday it will be your p*n!s.. :))

_____i run away from alot of things in life.. Reality is just one of them..

_____Pop music wouldn't be so bad, but they want you to do so much shit. I just don't wanna "smack it up, flip it or rub it down."

_____C'mon facebook...just forty more likes and I can save that little girls life..

_____I'm not really into big b**bs, but sometimes my face is!

_____I seem to have this thing for people that annoy the hell out of me. I like to call it a b!tch slap

_____If you're getting the most incredibly smooth shave with a blade ever, put your glasses back on and take the plastic slide cap off.

______My wife says she is leaving me cuz i'm delusional and make things up. Stupid b!tch. Im not even married. (funny wife quote)

_____I just love when the girl at the pharmacy gives me head........and shoulders shampoo for my itchy scalp

_____A good mom will always make sure her kids have marshmallows ready to roast BEFORE setting daddy on fire

_____Look lady I most certainly did not see a "no masturbating " sign so could u do your freaking job and just serve me my coffee!!!!

_____When I was younger I had a 50 cent piece. Then her friend told her she isn't charging enough

_____I'm "Bi-Curious". I'm curious enough to stand bi watching two chicks...in REAL life!

_____I hate when I meet someone my age and I think they're older then me. Makes me wonder how these people see me.

_____If your mind is always in the gutter you must suck at bowling (funny mind quote)

_____How about that Time Magazine cover....yeah that kid when he's in his 20's is going to be at the bar...."Yeah, i've been on the cover of Time Magazine" 

_____Ever wanted to fry some eggs to make a sandwich but it starts to stick to the pan......so u end up with some lovely scrambled eggs!!!

_____Two things I hate worse than anything... Drunk people who misspell siht and I forget the other

_____I ate a box of cereal for dinner and now my Life is in the toilet

_____If someone does the right thing but only has one leg, does that make them a 'goody one shoe' ???

_____This status is just a test to see if anyone is paying attention to me!

_____I sure wish you would figure out if your going to deactivate your account or leave it open, I never know when to stalk you anymore!

_____I sure wish you would figure out if your going to deactivate your account or leave it open, I never know when to stalk you anymore!

_____I saw someone got both their ears pierced yesterday................I'm really shitty at darts

_____Ironic that One Direction goes both ways.

_____The older you get, the better life insurance you have, and the more my doctors tell me that I can not fly.

_____Now thats the 5th time I've had my application for the special olympics declined...it seem that there is no such thing as a giant dwarf :(

_____I saw a smart car on fire as I was driving down the highway... so I spit out the window and put it out.

_____You know all those "Terms of Service" agreements you skip over without reading... Well, you've just adopted my kids! Hey, whatever... I don't make the rules, read that sh*t next time!

_____Well work is now over and its time for me to partaaay!!...........and by that I mean read FB posts!!!

_____I just tagged you in a post and deleted it, because, I like having you wonder what I said about you.

_____Someone told me I was a very Purr-Swaying person... and I don't even own a cat or a hammock!?

_____I smoke flavoured cigarettes because regular cancer is too mainstream

_____There are times when I have more sh!t on my mind than a bug on a windshield

_____My dog is supposed to be my best friend, but that little b!tch would not give me a ride to the airport.

_____   Metaphor - somebody who gave up on meeting a ten and decided to be a bit more realistic.

_____In high school I made the polo team. I wasn't good enough to start thought so I just rode the bench.

_____Feel the curiosity rushing up your nerves as you try to figure the punch line of this post....  ...Now note the pissed off feeling.

_____I would love to have all the relationships in my life be as effective as ketchup. That sh!t makes everything taste better

_____I would eat a lot more salad if it tasted like a cheeseburger.

_____kids, dont do drugs.. Cuz you know i am possessive about my love!! (funny love quote saying)

_____they should just call it wastebook all the time wasted on it i could have read a good book (funny Facebook status)

_____my friend and his girl friend died today.. But the food in their marriage was really nice..

_____I'm angry like Hulk, but only my finger seems to be swelling from getting stuck in between the door.

_____I've got brains, courage, determination and insight. If I  would be a cute chick I would be unstoppable.

_____I think my mom enjoys the pearl necklace I give her for Mother's Day every year. But for some reason it makes my Dad so upset. (funny mother's day quote status)

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_____My friends are like a box of Cracker Jacks. The nuts are my favorite

_____Holy shit, John Travolta? No wonder why you're such an awesome dancer. (funny John Travolta quote status)

_____Sometimes I talk to myself and laugh because I'm just that hilarious (hilarious quote)

_____i dont get it - females these days are becoming teen moms or they maintain themselves too well.. !! :-/

_____Totally forgot that there is no auto correct when hand writing, doubt the boss is going to like my report!!

_____Alcohol is the liquid version of Photoshop. Though I prefer acid....

_____I was smoking some weed and police saw me through the walls of my house and arrested me...moral of the story...'People who live in glass houses should not get stoned'.

_____They say you should never go to bed angry. But then they say if you have a problem, you should sleep on it, so how does that work?

_____I don't care if you know what I did last summer, just tell me what the hell I did last night!!

_____The best thing to do to look Happy is to make everyone around you look miserable.. Magic

_____I like my boss like I like my alcohol…Shot

_____it's so pathetic that we have to work for money to buy important stuff that we need to survive.. i wish barter system would still work... cuz i can offer to perform a snake dance for some beer... :-)

_____I would never sell my soul to the Devil. But I'm pretty open to leasing it to him.

_____This bed is far too comfy to get out of to pee... ahhh.... I feel better (lazy quote)

_____either be mine.. Or you shall not see the sunshine.. ~ romantic talk with the guy in the basement ;-)

_____When I told you I liked you better au naturale I didn't mean without makeup.. I meant without clothes.. so umm... Not to sound rude but before the latter could you perhaps fix the former? yeah... Ill miss her.

_____Men. I have all secrets on how to woo a woman. Rule 1. Stop trying to woo more than one at a time.

_____It's a shame I don't have a reflection in the mirror because I'm so pretty.

_____Great. If gays can get married they won't have time to plan straight weddings.

_____an eye infection due to sperm in the eye is cumjunctivitis

_____sometimes I hear a voice telling me to stop drinking. Found out during an ultrasound, it was my liver.

_____your face isn't anything a bottle of tequila cant fix

_____I might find my soulmate if I actually had a soul

_____When I post a status and get only two "likes", it really pisses me off to have a friend steal it and get 20. I think I need a better class of friends!

_____Sarah jessica parker was so cute when she was only a pony (funny Sarah Jessica Parker quote status joke)

_____I always do what makes me happy..........whether its right or wrong............or legal

_____It may be the alcohol talking, but you are sexy as hell!!. Wait, yup, its the alcohol

_____I guess haha you clutz! was an insensitive response to my friends story about how he lost his leg.

_____If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces........ they always seem to attract trouble

_____Sometimes, I like to go to T.G.I. Fridays on Sunday and get sh*t faced... just to prove that us real drunks still exist.

_____I carry redbox movies in my purse for weeks...thug life

_____I would make a post about having a drink but I don't drink so screw you! (that's the alcohol talking)

_____I am so clever sometimes........ Just wish other people were around when I am..

_____I suck at saying goodbyes...thus is why I stalk

_____I cant make you love me, but I can sure as hell test the restrictions on that restraining order.

_____I wish they would make, "faces of death" where you could choose the face.

_____I met a beautiful girl last night. She was quite a squirter. So what if she was squirting pepper spray. It still counts

_____I must taste freakin' awesome! My dog wont stop licking me!

_____ Be careful what you wish for. One time I was going on a date and I wished that she would want to have kiss. She did want to...just not with me

_____Better late than never................ Period probably.

_____If you don't like peeing alone, get a dog.

_____You can't put a value on a human life, but my wife's life insurance company made a pretty fair offer.

_____The doctor told me that I should watch my waist line, so I put it out where I could keep an eye on it. (funny Doctor quote status)

_____Don't be silly, of course I don't hate you,if I hated you, I wouldn't make fun of you.....

_____I got a tattoo of the Facebook logo on my arm and now my arm doesn't work....

_____My grandpa is insisting on buying a guitar.. I think he's gonna start a new genre of music.. "near death metal"

_____i only work so i can earn money.. Money for all my bills.. Like beer, joints, friends, pizza and gadgets...  Am i forgetting anything..??

_____My doctor tries so hard to be hip. I was being examined for a bad case of compacted fecal matter in my colon, and as he looked at the results he proclaimed that shit is tight! (funny doctor status joke)

_____Useless scientists !! They say smoking weed causes short term memory loss......next they will be saying that smoking weed causes short term memory loss ...

_____I will always be nice to you but only because you have pictures of me naked.. O_O

_____a school teacher is always drunk..so we call her high school teacher

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