21 Funny Quotes

____The probability of me having a Good Night is equal to the probability of you wishing me a Good Night.. (funny quote)
_____I don't care to date the most beautiful woman in the world.. I want the woman who makes the world the most beautiful to me (top funny quote, short joke)
_____‎3 Advice for Life

1- never be afraid to say what's on your mind

2- never be afraid to do what's on your mind

3- never take life advices from a facebook status .............. (funny status)
_____I want you to sensually harass me......... (best funny quote, status)
_____I'm nothing like a cat... I have 5 facebook accounts but no life     (funny Facebook status)
_____It would be great that before going to bed life asks us if we want to save the changes.... (funny life quote, status , joke)
_____I made many mistakes in my life recently..If you don’t hear from me soon... you are one of them (hilarious quote, funny status)
_____Just got some awesome wheels for the car! Gas is to high to drive it but I can only imagine how cool I'm gonna look when I push it to town. (Funny gas quote, status, joke)
_____I Always make sure to click like on my pics and statuses... I also enjoy a great self high five. (funny high five quote, status)
_____I have to go to court for stalking pretty girls like you - pick up line I will never use again..... (hilarious quote, funny status)
_____If I'm in a bar and a girl asks me where the bathroom is, I just point to my face and wink at them. (funny bar status, short joke)
_____It's physically impossible to be a sack of shit and a piece of shit at the same time. One must always choose wisely. (funny shit quote,status, joke)
_____Today I am thankful for involuntary hospitalizations and psychiatric nurses with no professional boundaries... (funny medical joke, quote, status)
_____Someone once asked me what I thought of apathy, I told them I don't much care for it. (funny apathy quote, status, joke)
_____I'm going to start carrying around a note book shaped like an eye. I've always wanted an Eye Pad.. (funny iPad quote , status)
_____I'm a gentleman. I'll file the restraining order myself.. (funny quote, hilarious status)
_____Girl at the grocery asked me if I wanted paper or plastic. I replied "I don't care, I'm bisacktual". (witty quote)
_____girls don't listen to me, which is really frustrating when I'm trying to tell one that we're meant for each other. (best funny quote, witty status, short joke)
_____When my ex left me, she had a lot of junk in the trunk......it was all mine and now I don't have a trunk :( (funny ex quote, hilarious 
status)
_____  If you can't read my misspelled jokes and incorrect punctuated statements then too bad ....I'm still laughing. (funny status, joke)
_____My sense of humor is bein' shaped by people I never have to meet.. I wouldn't have it any other way. (funny quote status)

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14 Funny Quotes

____I wonder why actors can’t act clean and sober? (funny quote, quote about actors)
_____I am really sick of thinking and worrying so from now on I shall be mostly drinking and forgetting (funny quote, drinking quote)
_____I really need to workout tomorrow, but then again, so do you. Look at yourself. (funny quote, witty quote, hilarious quote)
_____‎'hold it together'! - me talking to my zipper on my pants (funny quote, funny status)
_____You should like this status because all your wildest dreams will come true. (funny status, funny quote about status)
_____I don't mean to sound easy but, please use me whenever you want. ........Sincerely, ............................punctuation (funny quote about punctuation, top funny quote)
_____Lost a lot of faith in humanity tonight...........Someone got offended from my post. We're doomed. (funny status, funny quote)
_____If at first you don't succeed then your a failure....go stand in the corner loser. (funny quote, hilarious quote, witty quote)
_____It’s so weird how your voice controls my middle finger. (funny quote about middle finger, witty quote)
_____I saw a sign on the way to the shop today it said, "Draw Bridge A Head"...I didn't have a pencil...so I kept driving. (funny quote of the day, top funny quote, awesome funny quote, happiness quote)
_____Don't hate me becose I'm gorgeous....hate me cuz I sit around in my underwear on the computer all day and lie about how gorgeous I am.  (top funny quote, best funny quote, hilarious quote)
_____Making people scratch their head and say "what the hell", just another service I provide. (funny quote, funny quote about employment, crazy quote)
_____Anybody has some statuses I can borrow?? I want to feel how to be lame. (funny status, funny quote)
_____Remember: There's only one you, and for some of you, I thank GAWD that's true. (funny quote, daily funny quote, funny status)

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12+ Funny Quotes

_____People say I have no taste... I don't take any notice of them...I still like you ... (funny quote, love quote, happiness quote)
_____I turned on answering machine in my phone... But I still don't know what to ask it.. (funny quote, stupid quote, crazy quote)
_____NO, I did not call you FAT! I asked, "how many cows had to die to make your leather pants 4 or 5?" Don't be so sensitive lady! (funny quote, hilarious quote, crazy quote)
_____When someone types Haa Haa, on a post, I can never tell whether their being sarcastic or your actually laughing :-/ (funny quote, crazy quote, stupid quote)
_____There's a good reason why we are not dating, because you keep saying "No" (funny quote, crazy quote, love quote)
_____You look okay ....depending on the light (funny quote, stupid quote)
_____I signed up for a college class studying black holes...................It's not what I thought it would be a about. (funny quote, hilarious quote, crazy quote)
_____I am more broke than the f***ing government. (funny quote, stupid quote)
_____Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life. (funny quote, crazy quote, daily quote)
_____It's terrible how much people starts hating you just because you mix up the words "lmao" and "heartfelt condolences". (funny quote, hilarious quote, stupid quote, crazy quote)
_____Someday I'd like to be able to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.  (funny quote, funny quote about job and boss, hilarious quote0
_____No officer...... It's not "bribery" if that $10 bill was stuck to the back of my license..... finders keepers sorta' thing... uh. (funny quote, daily funny quote, hilarious status)
_____why do women always open their mouths when they put on mascara? Is there some invisible d**k or something that goes along with it?  (funny quote, crazy quote, stupid quote)
_____if it looks like a douchebag, and acts like a douchebag, chances are it is my ex-girlfriend. (funny quote, hilarious quote, stupid quote)
_____I just crossed "have an epiphany" off my bucket list because I just don't know what the hell that is and I'm too lazy to Google it. (funny quote, funny status, crazy quote)
_____I like status updates from men and women. I guess I am Bi-Statusable. (funny status)

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11+ Funny Quotes

____My new doctor is drop dead gorgeous. I was a bit embarrassed but she said don't worry i'm a professional I've seen it all before. So tell me what is going on & I will check it out personally... I said, I think my sperm tastes funny. (funny status, hilarious status)
_____‎"Yeah, I buy my shoes in pairs. So what?"  (funny quote, daily life quote, short funny quote)
_____You may call it rape, but i like to refer to it as forceful fun time. (funny quote, hilarious quote, sarcastic funny quote)
_____Sometimes I'll order a fruity drink to show a girl my softer side, then I will smash it over the bartenders head to show her I'm a real man. (funny status, really funny quote, crazy funny quote)
_____Some of you just never will get me. And some won't get my jokes. (top funny quote, short funny quote, best funny quote)
_____My friends always tell me that I should be a stand up comedian. That sounds totally awesome except for that whole standing up part. (funny quote, cute funny quote, stupid funny quote)
_____Real men check to see if someone is alright by poking them with a stick. (funny quote, famous funny quote)
_____Pretty sure everyone wants to come to America to give their kids a chance to be in the best prisons. (funny quote about america, daily funny quote, funny quote saying)
_____I must be pretty useful because a hot chick just called me a tool. (top funny quote, crazy funny quote, stupid funny quote)
_____I called customer service the other night and a real person answered. I didn't know what to do, so I hung up. (stupid funny quote, cool funny quote)
_____Please everybody do not try to recreate any of these funny statuses. I am a professional and please do not try this at home. (funny quote, top funny quote, best funny quote)
_____The fact is, whatever you do, good or bad, people will always have something negative to say. That's why I knock their f***ing teeth out and activate their dental plan at the same time. (funny status, funny quote, funny joke)
_____My ex-wife wanted me to make our bedroom look better, so I removed the mirrors. (funny quote, wife funny quote, daily funny quote)

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10+ Funny Quotes

____It's a good thing that real life isn't a musical because my boss would hear me singing about doing nothing all day. (funny quote, daily quote, daily life quote)
_____I can only imagine how bored that guy was when he invented the jump rope. (funny quote, hilarious quote)
_____By the time I get to the bottom of the bottle, I don't really need an answer. (funny quote, funny status, best funny quote)
_____Girls do get better with age........ when they go from 17 to 18 and 20 to 21. (funny quote, hilarious quote, lol quote, hilarious status)
_____If you don't like it, you have two choices. You can get over it or get! (best funny status, top funny quote, hilarious quote)
_____When I went to college my mum told me to get a lot of sleep and go to all my classes. I managed to do both! Simultaneously. (funny quote, daily life quote, hilarious quote, funny status)
_____Ponderable: If you have 50 odds and ends on a shelf, and you break 49 of them, are you left with an odd or an end? (funny quote, awesome quote, funny status)
_____I still haven’t figured out a way to compliment a woman’s lips without it being obvious where I want them. (hilarious quote, hilarious status, top funny quote)
_____I spend most first dates asking a girl about the street she grew up on & her first pet's name so I'll at least have access to her passwords. (funny status, hilarious status)
_____Next person to call me short will be kicked in the butt!!!....That's all I can reach anyways. (funny quote, hilarious quote, top funny quote)
_____I'm the f***in king of pre-mature good byes at the workplace. (top funny quote, best hilarious quote)
_____The nice part of putting something funny on Facebook is that you don't have to hear the people who have annoying laughs.(funny status, hilarious status)
_____I don't tell people to go to hell, because I don't want to have to deal with them after I die. (funny quote, hilarious quote)
_____I can afford the alcohol to support my drinking problem, it's the stupid legal fees that break the bank. (funny status, funny quote)
_____Spending 20 minutes trying to spell callisthenics also counts. (funny quote)
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9+ Funny Quotes

_____I know some lucky woman is out there..... trying to forget my name. :P (Funny Quote)
_____Always trust in your instinct, because there isn't anything worse than hearing your own voice inside saying "I told you so". (inspirational quote & funny quote)
_____Of coarse i heard you, you just said a bunch of words right? (funny quote and saying, hilarious quote, top funny quote)
_____I never think faster than when my wife starts a conversation with 'You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?' (funny quote & funny status)
_____Welcome to the circus I call.. my life! Giggity! :)  (funny quote, best quote, top quote, quote of the day)
_____I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll smoke your joint down..... before I pass it back!~ Big bad stoner wolf...... probably (funny quote, funny status, happiness quote)
_____I wish someone would write a movie about my life. I think "Pretty life In F***ing world" would be a good title. (funny quote, funny status, top funny quote)
_____Either I've just come down with a sudden attack of narcolepsy, or you're just f***ing boring. (funny quote, hilarious quote, best quote)
_____They say if you tell a lie three times it becomes true. If you tell a lie 100 times, do you become Fox News? (funny quote, quote about news, daily quote)
_____It's alright guys. You don't have to like anything. I already love myself. (love quote, funny quote, top quote, best quote hilarious quote)

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8+ Funny Quotes

‎_____"$100 in the hand is worth 2 in the bush" ~ prostitutes (prices may vary)
_____Does it make you uncomfortable that I wear your profile pic in a locket around my neck?
_____You can usually judge a women's hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore
_____Some people call me crazy.. but mostly, they call me a whore. And I'm okay with that. 

It's not just a personality.. it's a way of life.. Giggity! ;)
_____I guess taking pics of your food has finally replaced taking your pic in the bathroom mirror? Great, now I get to see that you can't cook OR clean..
_____My neighbor's kids and I have an understanding, they throw bricks through my window and I don't tell their dad because I'm terrified of them
_____Just because someone says mean things to you and acts like they're better than you, that's no reason to be rude back to me.
_____Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
_____If I touch my self, is that considered sexual Harassment?
_____I don’t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed

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