_______I
always knew I had something special that attracts women towards others men
_______I
correct your spelling in my head while you're talking.
_______"We
have nothing to fear but fear itself." ~ people who have never seen a
jumping spider probably
_______I
almost made it the entire day without washing my hair under the Slurpee machine
at 7-11.
_______Every
year my clothes seem to shrink while simply hanging in the closet.
_______Before
I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
_______I
reckon I must have said ''I don't give a f**k'' in my head at least twenty
times today.
_______Marriage
is like this post... which is also stupid.
_______You
certainly seem to have an inordinate amount of drama in your life for a person
who spends 15 hours a day on Facebook....
_______If I
have learned anything from personal experience, it's that I haven't learned anything
from personal experience.
_______If I
had known that the carhops at Sonic could skate that fast I would have never
stolen my lunch!
_______I'm
sorry I ate your Packers cheesehead hat... I think it's pretty self
explanatory.
_______Now I
totally get it Doors. Break on through to the other side was about single ply
toilet paper right
_______Girl
you gotta be a tube of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls...cause you make me wanna bang
you on the counter
_______The
best part to being unemployed is getting to hangout with all of the senior
citizens doing cross word puzzles at McDonald's in the morning.
_______Catch
a grenade for you? Step in front of a train for you? Bruno Mars isn't being
romantic.He is showing signs of being suicidal.
_______If
anyone tells you that you put too much Parmesan cheese on your pasta, ignore
them. You do not need that kind of negativity in your life.
_______Me
and my girlfriend had an argument last night when I dropped an ice cube and
kicked it under the icebox. Now things are OK because it's just water under the
fridge.
_______Have
I told you about this incident where I am awesome and everyone else is a
b!tch? ~ how a lot of people should start
describing their stories!
_______It's
like no one cares that I spent all weekend making a Lincoln Log house out of
dried up dog poop.
_______I
plead the 5th..... For you. I'm begging you to just shut up!
_______You
know, you can tell me anything, I never listen to you anyway so it won't make
any difference what you say.
_______I'm a
member of an Asian gang... or more commonly known as...a study group.
_______Whenever
my kids drink out of my water bottle, I never look at it the same again.
_______This
one time, I spent like eighteen hours watching a fly putting in contact lenses.
_______I
wonder is it possible to be orgasmed to death...
_______I
have a feeling that whoever coined the phrase "it's what's on the inside
that matters" was talking about drug mules.
______I'm
not a professional helicopter pilot... but I can strap myself to a ceiling fan
and spin around on the highest setting for like 45 minutes.
_______I
always look the other way when my dog does "his business" 'cause, you
know, he needs a little privacy while he pays bills and takes care of his
banking and stuff.
_______I'm
going to walk a mile in my own shoes thank you very much.
_______As I
stood there recording my microwave meal, I suddenly realised that 'remove
cardboard and film' meant something else....
________Too
many human piñatas, and me without a bat...
________It's
a beautiful day to go outside and stare at your phone.
________I
tried to order "The Ultimate Dallas Cowboys Fan Guide" off of Amazon
to give to a friend. A message from Amazon popped up that said "customers
who bought this product also bought "How to Act Like a Total Douche for
Dummies."
________You
know you're gonna have a interesting day when you place both contacts in the
same eye, and then realize that you don't even wear contacts.
________ENOUGH
WITH THE RAINBOWS! You're gay, we get it!
________Jehovah's
Witnesses don't like it when they ask if you have a relationship with God and
you say, "Only when I'm having an orgasm''
________They
say "its the thought that counts", I don't think my bank understands
the concept.
________You
know that feeling you get when you KNOW you are about to get laid? Can someone
describe that to me? I heard it was pretty exciting.
________Two
things that will always be there for you when you fall, the ground and the
floor.
________where
I'm from, if walks like a duck and talks like a duck, we steal it.
________They
say a lady should look at herself in the mirror before going out and remove one
piece of jewellery. For me, it was always my wedding ring.....
________If
you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
________I
think it's nice that we have this day to to recognize, and celebrate fools,
because there are so bloody many of them.
________If
you see a porcupine in your yard, don't panic, that's just my cat. We're not
done with our acupuncture session yet, so I'd be much obliged if you'd return
him.
________You
know you're about to have an interesting day when you look out the window and
see a SWAT team and TV news crews barricading off the street in front of your
house.
________This
one time... I skipped school for like 12 years.
________Thank
you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram
________To
be or not to be, that is........ Not a question at all. More like an ambiguous
statement. William Shakespeare was obviously smoking something.
________Please
don't go out in shorts if your circulatory system is visible...
________remember
the time I watched you shower? ..of course you don't.
______If you
carry on speaking after using the expression 'needless to say...', I will
attempt to dislocate your jaw with my elbow.
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_______Just
had to take the walk of shame... I'm now regretting having worn these f**king
flip flops.
_______Whenever
I hear a rap artist say "Do you know what time it is?"... deep inside
I don't, but I act like I do.
_______Girl
scout cookies make you fat, Thats why I just eat the thin mints.
_______The
morning after pill.....is actually made of crushed up coat hangers......
_______You
remember when you were little, how you used to pop the heads off the
dandelions? (you know you did that)..... I wish I could do that to some people
today.
_______My 14
year old just came home from school and told me they learned about the Greek
god Herpes today in school...guess I should cross Harvard off of potential
schools.
_______You know
times are hard when daylight wants to borrow an hour on credit and pay it back
8 months later.
_______This
would have been a good day to be a dog. I saw several butts I would like to
have sniffed.
_______Whenever
I visit someone in a hospital I always bring them fruit, fluff their pillows
and steal their meds.
_______"Your
grammar is perfect, your logic is flawless and I enjoy exclusively to
thoughts of you"... an example of a perfect comment I've yet to
receive....
_______I'd
like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I'll talk to you later
(you know where) and if I don't (you know why).
_______i
guess i'm not so ready for a zombie apocalypse after all i just freaked out
cause there was a spider really close to my chair
_______Through
Facebook profile pictures I learned that many of the people I went to school
with have morphed into cats, fish and cars.
_______I'm
writing a book for linonophobes, which I'm giving away for free. No strings
attached.
_______ When
writing, lok out for lipography.
_______If
you sit near the door, and can run fast enough, there IS such a thing as a free
lunch.
_______Don't
just assume anything...unless it's the position.
_______I'm
looking for a strong, good man with naughty thoughts who's willing to get his hands
dirty.... currently taking applications ....
_______I
signed up for one of those online instant muscle building courses and sure
enough in no time I was ripped...
...off.
_______Don't
get mad at me for peeing in your pool. I'm pretreating the jellyfish
stings...oh...you have no jellyfish well how would I know that?
_______I
just saw a cute old man struggling to get his suitcase on the elevator. I had
to take the f**kin' stairs because that shit was taking forever.
_______Aaarghhh
!!! every time I pour a round of drinks, it goes all over the place...Im sick
of it....also I need glasses.
_______Not
to be nitpicky, but for the sake of accuracy, your stupid inspirational Helen
Keller quotes should probably include a f**k ton of typos.
_______ If
you own one pair of Crocs... you own too many Crocs.
_______Don't
let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
