______Apparently, it is
easier to explain to your parents that you joined a cult than it is to explain
to them what Facebook is (funny quotes about Facebook)
______I look back on my
high class stripper days with sweet memories....sweet money making get rich
quick memories. (Stripper Quotes)
______Here's the thing:
Do not waste a perfectly good ringtone on someone who is not ever going to
call (great love quote)
______Life is hard..
which is ironic because I plan on f**k' it today. :) (funny quote about Life)
______The person that
coined the phrase, "The early bird gets the worm" never said it
applied to owls also and that's why I don't leave my bedroom window open at
night...................anymore. (Funny Phrase)
______Sometimes I wake up
in the middle of the night to play with my balls because I never have time
during the day to play sports.. (funny Quotes about Sports)
______Walking into a
Liquor Store.... with a pocketful of my own cash money ......to buy PBR......
makes me feel like a straight gangster... (funny gangster quotes)
______Tried speed dating
last night... I'm out about a kilo of coke, but the moat I dug around her house
really compliments the landscaping! (funny dating quotes)
______Tried one of those
dove bars... Worst soap I ever tasted. (funny bar quote)
______Facebook is like my
fridge.I know there is nothing but I still can't help but check every 10
minutes (funny Facebook status)
______I hate it when my
girlfriend is all like, hey look at me! I don't exist! (funny girlfriend status)
______Some people have
problem solving skills, but most have excellent problem causing skills. (funny quotes about skills)
______If I'm ever in jail
my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
______i’m not saying you
are stupid.... but if I were to think of the 5 most ignorant people I know...
you would be 3 of them (funny quotes about stupid people)
______When I die I cannot
be cremated...I will need my body for the zombie apocalypse. (Zombie status)
______You're not even
here yet and I already hate you Monday! (shakes fist) (funny Monday status)
______I want to open up a
ribeye restaurant.....and call it "Ribbed For Your Pleasure" (pleasure quotes)
______ Seems to me that
the longer you're married, the more often you check your spam email. (funny quotes about marriage)
______ About to watch
Magic Mike. You know... because of all the chicks and shit. (funny quote about Magic Mike)
______Last night I stared
at the moon for a half hour before I realized it was just your mom sitting on
my face (sarcastic quote)
______I'll bet curbside
couches have some pretty disturbing stories to tell. (funny couch status)
______Really should warn
people when I'm drinking. I'll put on the party hat <[:) (funny emoticon status)
______Silly rabbit, If
the pills are out of date you just double the dose. Everybody knows that
fool... (short joke)
______The pinky toe:
Completely useless except to remind you that your pain sensory receptors still
work perfectly... (pinky Toe quotes)
______You know ladies,
men probably wouldn't cringe when you say "we need to talk,"...... if
occasionally you said "we need to f**k" instead..... (one liner joke)
______I may not have a very
good memory, but at least I.......Wait......What was I talking about?(funny quote status about bad memory)
______i have lost the belief in the logic of staying sober.. :-) (funny status about being sober)
______My friend and I
decided to have a contest on who can hold their coffee the longest...Goddamn
bladder!! (funny contest)
______This case of beer
is tasting like I'm not going to be on time for work tomorrow morning (funny beer quotes)
______i think angry birds
game is a great revenge on the whole morning noises they make..!! (funny quotes about Angry Birds)
______If i am wrong, who
the hell is write :-p (famous funny status)
______I have the
strangest urge to slap on a kilt, march down the middle of our neighborhood and
scream FRrrreeeeeeedom! (funny freedom status)
______When I was little,I
remember falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in bed...now that Im older, I
find myself passing out on the sofa and waking up on the floor.. (funny Lines)
______You'd be amazed at
how much fun you can have with a pink rubber glove, half a gallon of plain
yogurt, a roll of sticky tape, a horny bull and a rookie farmhand. (great funny quote)
______Hate when it rains
cats and dogs because I keep stepping in poodles. (funny poodles quote)
______I live in a brick
house, and I throw glass at people. I'm assuming that's okay (the punchline)
______Working in a
crematorium... is a sure-fire way to earn a living.
______Thousands of people
were fooled by “Mermaids: The Body Found” show on Animal Planet. Bahahahaha! I
don't even need to make a joke. (funny quotes about Animal Planet)
______I'm on a shoe
string budget. Literally, all I can afford is one shoe string. (funny quote about inflation)
______Charity begins at
home. Especially if you're on welfare. (funny charity quotes)
______Saw a guy today
with an ''Only God can judge me'' tattoo, see that's where you're wrong, If I
can see you, I can judge you and the verdicts bad....
______If you're looking
for the wrong answers, you have come to the right place. (awesome funny quote)
______Petard is a real
word. But its also what I call Peter, my retarded co-worker (funny status about coworker).
______All that glitters
is not gold. Could just be sparkly rocks (Funniest quotes)
______I'm sorry but after
the 4th sneeze you are more likely to get a throat punch than a "bless you"
from me....control that sh!t (funny sneezing status)
______Apparently the
height of my business success occurred at age 14 while playing Monopoly. (Monopoly quotes)
______days when my
underwear matches my outfit make me feel like I've really got it together. (good old days)
______That commercial
with Hillary Duff telling us not to use the word "gay" to describe
something stupid is so gay. (funny commercials)
______My ex-girlfriend
came in to work today during lunch and I must admit, I was really happy to see
her...I am an undertaker. (funny ex-girlfriend quote)
______Drug dealers who
don't answer their phone are sh!tty businessmen. (funny ideas about Facebook Status)
______People now call me
'Wonder Mike' I had to retire all the magic. (Funny Magic Mike status)
______People who act up
on the internet with others are probably the same people who yell at other
drivers from the safety of their own cars. (funny internet status)
______My wife asked me to
warm up the bed for her...So I pissed on her side. (great funniest status ever)
______I'd rather get
cussed out in Spanish than take a beating, because Spicks and stones may break
my bones.... (Funny Spanish Quotes)
______Even I was a little
surprised by how casually “Oh, I'll just swing by my office and grab my bottle
of vodka” just slipped off the tongue (funny Vodka Quotes)
______I was doing shadow puppets for my kid on my porch. All of a sudden five
thugs beat the living crap out of me. Apparently the double crocodile is a bad
gang sign (funny Facebook status ideas)
______I can't believe you
told everyone our secret. That was between me, you and your legs. (funny secret quotes)
______Just sitting here
trying to think outside of the box, '30 pack of Bud' that is.
______My refrigerator
stopped running. Quick give me some kids phone numbers!
______I REALLY hate it
when I say the wrong thing because there's NO WAY I'm putting my foot in my
mouth. (stupid status)
______Kegel, kegel,
squirt, squirt... I wish I wasn't wearin' a skirt. :)
______Ladies guys really
don't care if the carpet matches the drapes...they are more concerned if you
got a "welcome" mat (funny Welcome Quotes)
______I'm so poor. When I
reached for my piggy bank on the dresser, it looked at me and said; "b!tch
please." (b!tch Please Status)
______If you've never
been so hung over that you had to shower sitting down, you're probably a way
more respectable member of society than I am. (funny society quotes)
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