58 Funny Quotes

_____My coworker said he misses being in high school so I took his lunch money and gave him a wedgie (funny quote about coworker)

_____Barack Obama's initials are B.O. No wonder he stinks as a president (funny quotes about Barack Obama)
_____You know it's not officially considered a good night until you throw up in your mouth a little (funny quote status about night)
_____When someone bullsh!ts me I leave a real sh!t on their pillow. (funny insult quote)
_____Once upon time, bathrooms were used to take shit. Not pictures. (famous funny quote)
_____Had to break out the ouija board and hold a seance... coffee just ain't cutting it this morning! (funny bilingual quote)
_____Don't criticize me. That's my family's job. (great funny quote)
_____you scratch my back.. I will make sure u don't need to scratch yours'.. (hilarious quote status)
_____When my old posts don't receive any "Likes"... I donate them to Goodwill. (great funny status)
_____My records seem to indicate that I really need to upgrade my stereo system (funny quote status about stereo system)
_____I was doing some filing at work today and now my nails look great
_____The first thing a man notices on an attractive woman are her eyes. Then, when they aren't looking, her breasts. (famous funny quote, autocorrect)
_____ I can only speak in my "native tongue". This is why I sound funny on the phone.....I'm licking it.
_____My cell phone is the second hardest thing in my pants right now (Witty quote,the punchline)
_____I don't need to post pictures of what I do on the weekend because you already know what your mom looks like (funny quotes about your mom)
_____Something about seeing a sexy woman riding a bicycle that makes me wish my face was the seat (great funny quote)
_____Here's a tip guys. When you get angry at someone, start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat...they will never expect that. (funny inspirational quote)
_____What is so similar between facebook and my life? - Almost everyone uses it.  (Awesome     

great quote)
_____I might as well change my bucket list into my f**k it list because your mom is the only thing on it (funny yo mama quote)
_____I wish my wife went down as much as my mobile internet does (hilarious quote status)
_____If anyone is wondering' why I keep smelling' my fingers today.. it's because I can't stop touching' myself. Yeah.. it's that good. :) (creepy quote)
______I thought I stepped in dogshit turns out I just stepped on my boss (Great funny quote about boss)
______Living for what tomorrow has to offer, not what yesterday has taken away, but today I'm getting drunk. (funny drunk quote status)
______Oh, was that your status. I'm sorry I thought it was just your computer being retarded. (retarded quote,the punchline)
_____I was really dumb at school..I use to always have a hole in my pocket... or else I would have never been able to count to 6. (funny quote status about school)
_____Don't need to worry about zombies coming to my house....no brains. (funny zombie quote)
_____I typed 'Hell' instead of "Michigan" into my GPS. I still got there. (funny GPS quote)
_____My husband said she was leaving me because I overreacted too much. So I punched him in the face with a brick ! (crazy quote)
_____My last girlfriend left me because she said I had no sense of fashion. So I put on my socks and sandals and walked right out the door. (funny quote about fashion)
_____girls are so good at multitasking...my girl used the toaster while having a bath....well that's what I told the cops.  (short joke, funny inspiring words)
_____I wish my dishwasher come with instructions because I can't figure out why she's mad at me. (great funny quote)
_____I sent my wife to the mall with my credit card so I can relax and watch TV. I have a feeling I will pay for it later (funny status about wife)
_____I'm lying in bed thinking and worrying about insomnia. I hope I don't get it. (funny quote about insomnia)
_____Thank you facebook for the "poke suggestions". Now my brother, my cousins, my mom and several male friends have asked me... "WTF, DUDE?" (funny Facebook status)
_____Does anyone know if Peter Gabriel ever became that Sledgehammer? (funny quote about Peter )
_____
The phrase, 'I before E except after C' reminds me to take my insulin before I take ecstasy unless I've been on the cocaine.  (great funny quote)
_____Miley Cyrus is engaged.  So basically the world is coming to an end. (funny quote about Miley Crus)
_____being happy doesn't mean everything is going good. It just means, the meds are working (funny happiness quote)
_____I seriously cannot wait to see the fuckery that will be Britney Spears on The X Factor. (funny quote status about Britney)
_____I might sleep on my couch tonight only because I'm too lazy to walk the five feet to my bedroom. (lazy quote)
_____I was in the garden trying to plant some seeds but it slipped out and ended up on her leg
_____I post jokes about banging your mom so that when I really do it it wont be so shocking to you (funny yo mama joke)
_____I love when cooking directions include Take product out of microwave carefully. It will be hot. Really? Its been in there for 4 minutes. Of course it will be hot
_____your life would have been so boring if i wouldn't have been born.. :-p (funny quote about life)
_____I know I need to be more pacific..but can anyone tell me where is this Specific Ocean ?
_____Just wanted to let you know.. I'm not just liking' your posts because I'm stoned but because you're funny. Well, maybe.. cuz sometimes I lie. :) (sarcastic quote)
_____Heading to the Mall with my bullhorn... to cheer on the morning walkers.
_____I don't know why people say using Splenda is bad for you. Hell.. I don't mind this third ear on my forehead at all. :)
_____I've been paying for my son's tutoring lessons in French, German and algebra. I'm pretty sure he can say a few words in algebrarian by now (funny algebra quote)
_____Coffee in one hand and my bong in the other. F**k you, Folgers.. this is the best part of waking up. :)
_____Show me on this delete button... where I offended you. (offensive quote)
_____If you haven't noticed I'm not an English major and I don't give a fuck where my sentence ends and where it begins so f**k you. :) (insulting quote status)
_____I'm just gonna drag my butt along the carpet like a dog... and see where that gets me.
_____so my tooth needs cavity filling and hurts like crazy.. But i am broke.. So this month.. The filling will be of vodka only.. (funny vodka status)
_____Just walked into a gas station wearing ONLY shirt and shoes... The service was excellent! (great famous funny quote)
_____so i am wearing new sandals today's.. Should i behave like a 'normal girl' and update a pic..?? Tough call for me as a tomboy..
 _____That moment when you realize your pillow gets more head then you do (the moment quote)
_____Going to bed for real now. Well, mostly because all the vodka is gone. (vodka quote)
_____Nicki Minaj should release a dictionary of what all of her songs actually mean. (funny quote about Nicki Minaj)
_____Truly funny statuses are becoming rarer than rocking horse shit.


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_____I'm very good at graphic design and calligraphy, and I have certificates in biochemistry, biology, quantum physics, math and rocket science to prove it.
_____They say: "the freaks come out at night". This is why I stay indoors until it's dark. I don't want to screw up the eco-system. (freaking quote)
_____Please let me know if and how, I offended you in any of my postings. It makes it a lot easier to target those weaknesses for up-coming posts
_____It's stupid how some people break into a song out of nowhere, I swear sometimes it's like I waited my whole life for this one night, Its gonna be me you and the dancefloor.
_____If you don't think anyone loves you or cares about you, then give me a call. I'll reaffirm that for ya
_____Sometimes I feel guilty if there is a comment on a status that has no likes while the rest of the comments have several. So...if I like your comment and nobody else does...it's more than likely a 'sympathy like'.
_____I hate to say I told you so, because I have a lisp and it sounds stupid.
_____You know, when I'll have children I'm gonna force them to watch the movie 2012 and tell them I fuggin survived this whole movie !! (funny 2012 movie quote status)
_____That awkward moment when you post inspirational thoughts on Facebook… and your comments are filled with: “That’s deep!”, “Who hacked into your account?”, “I don’t get it.”, “Did the aliens get you?”, “Drink another one!”, “Where’s the punch line?” etc… (awkward moment joke)
_____My boss suggested me to start the presentation with something funny and practical.... So I attached my salary slip on the very first slide.
_____It takes *time to understand women.  *FOREVER
_____If I write your name on my notebook, that means I like you. If I write it in blood, that means I love you to death. (funny love quote)
_____Keep your friends close, and your enemies oh, hey! I didn't even see you there! How are things? Good, good.
_____Why is it whenever someone in here calls someone stupid, I assume they are talking about YOU? (funny offensive quote)
_____I don't mean to brag, but I was just surfing the net, and I found out that there are several single women in my area dying to meet me.
_____I got on my jogging suit, tennis shoes, headband, pedometer, and bottle of water, I'm ready...to get on the computer and do some facebooking...ooooh, what a workout.
_____I see your name written in the stars. Actually, when I "connect the dots" it spells out "f**king b!t*h." Close enough.
_____I just found out it takes exactly 14 frozen potatoes thrown from 200 feet to completely destroy my neighbor's shed.
_____The iPhone 5 is like constipation. Stop waiting for it. It ain't gonna happen. (funny iPhone quote status)
_____Why do women live a longer, better and peaceful life? Cuz women don't have a f**king wife!
_____Today I met eyes with a beautiful lady. She looked at me, it felt like love & time stood still for a second. But then she closed her blinds.
_____If you get a friend request from me its because I like funny people. If you dont get one its because I like funny people
_____My wife constantly complains and whines about me not giving her enough time. Thank god my girlfriend is not like that.
_____Yesterday was my best friend's best day. So I asked him to be patient till i log on facebook so i can wish him a Happy Birthday (funny birthday quote)
_____My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
_____Sometimes I like your Post to give you a hug ;)
_____If at first you don't succeed, I'd suggest you hurl yourself into traffic. I saw your first attempt and dude, you suck.
_____I'm a fair weather friend. Don't ask me to do shit unless it's nice out. :)
_____Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn!
_____You can actually fall in love with your own Wife/Girlfriend if some other man describes her to you.
_____Why do girls pluck their eyebrows first... and then draw them with eyebrow pencil & liners and stuff.
_____Me: Nice monkey. Woman at store: That's my baby! Me: Oh. <walks away>
_____I'm going out shopping today... to try and find a new Facebook outfit.
_____i woke up all peace and calm today, googled my symptoms and realized i might be dead.. :-/
_____The only time I make someone hot and bothered is when I'm burning their house to the ground. (funny offensive quote)
_____To the people who don't like me.. suck it. To the people that do like me.. same thing. :)
_____The weather man said tomorrow is gona b twice as cold as it is today....but its now 0˚ so how cold will it be? (funny weather quote status)
_____Know who has a bad sense of direction? This guy ---------->
_____Every time I think I've come up with a great FB status and no one likes it I die a little inside
_____Sometimes I like to just stop everything I'm doing and reflect on the life I have lived...but I'm always interrupted by the people in the back of the bus telling me to watch where I'm f**king driving
_____I'm so paranoid half of the time I'm worried about what's gonna happen the other half of the time (funny paranoid quote status)
_____I was going take a photo of myself in front of my bathroom mirror, but then I remembered, I'm not a douchebag

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