Showing posts with label Stupid Quotes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stupid Quotes. Show all posts
37 Funny Quotes
_____I have made up my mind that if I do hit the Lottery tonight I am gonna spend half of my winnings on Liquor and Whores. The other half I will just blow. (funny lotto)
_____Sometimes, doing the right thing is next to impossible. When that happens, I say "burn it down" and lie my way out of it!
_____I Played hide and seek with the kids at the Park a couple of hours ago. They finally found me....at home in my bed under the blankets. (funny hide and seek)
_____So many of you should be very thankful that I haven't mastered the art of total mind domination... . . . . . . yet!
_____The proper words that best describe you would be vinegar sac, yep I just called you a douche bag but in a fancy way!
_____I was wondering to myself, what exactly is life all about? Why do we have to live to fight another day? Then I realised that..... I have to go to work tomorrow so I went back to bed. (funny Life quote)
_____99% we have our rights....1% how 'bout you shut the F@*K up!
_____This is just a small "token" of my appreciation.~ Me tipping my waitress at Chuck-E-Cheese.......... with a token.
_____I have the best neighbor in the world, he lets me use all his stuff when he's not home and acts like he knows nothing about it.
_____Why is it cute when your 3 year old presses her nose against the glass outside the ice cream shop? Whenever I do that I'm told to back off because I'm scaring the customers.
_____Like most of your statuses I really don't 'like' you!!!
_____Sometimes I just wanna..stop..look at you..ask you what the hell is wrong with you..then punch you right straight dead in the face..then laugh and walk away!
_____I'm not stalking. I'm concerned....all the time....about all things in your life. (funny stalking)
_____Whoever said “Cheaters NEVER prosper”…CLEARLY never read the definition of “prosper”…and ALSO….likely never had the opportunity to cheat…. (funny cheater quote)
_____I'm going to the dentist later. I gotta try to be nicer to him, I don't wanna hurt his fillings (funny dentist quote)
_____Here is the good news one of us is not stupid and I'm sure its me.(funny stupid)
_____ If your father pokes me one more time on Facebook, I'm changing my relationship status. (funny poke)
_____Wait a minute... what? Your only 27? You don't even look that old, and here I was thinking you were 6.
_____The difference between peoples thoughts here is that some are so funny you could shit. ...others are just shitty.
_____My little 10 year old cousin just broke up with his girlfriend. Poor guy lost half of his coloring pencils.
_____REAL men can wear pink….but they don’t…because everyone knows that is just gay
_____I am so running out of ideas. I think I am going to win this marathon. (funny marathon)
_____Some people will never lern. And I don't care if I spelled that wrong.
_____Monday is a very busy day for me. First I'm going to do nothing till noon. Then I will leave at 2 pm to do some more of nothing, I come back at 5, relax for a while maybe watch some telly and then it's back to doing nothing. How's that for a hectic monday??? (funny monday)
_____The only difference between myself and a thin person is willpower. Thin people don't have the willpower to eat as much as I do. (funny Willpower Quote)
_____I never say bad things about good people, those assholes don't deserve to be talked about!
_____How to rob a bank. Tip #1 Walk into the bank. (funny robbery)
_____I'm actually a skilled mind-reader. I know what you're thinking. Your thinking:You don't believe me
_____good night, sleep tight. Because no one likes a loose sleeper (funny goodnight wish)
_____Do you copy what Im saying... or should I paste for you? (funny fb copy/paste)
_____Another cool thing thing about this Timeline is, I was looking at old comments and found friends that had deleted me without my knowledge. Now I know whose houses to set on fire. (funny timeline status quote)
_____Sleeping with boxing gloves tonight cause I know I'm going to wake up and get into a fight with my alarm clock in the morning. *Ding ding...K.O. (funny good morning)
_____My boss just told me he doesn't pay me post on FB all day. Well if he did my check would be bigger
_____Usually my first or second posts are test cases, if I dont catch enough "likes", the boat goes back to the dock (funny Facebook status quote)
_____Whenever I'm feeling down I always remember to stop and piss on my neighbor's roses...then I feel better. (funny flower quote)
_____So..guys, tell the truth..are you more likely to "like" a female's status if you think she's hot? (funny question)
You May Also Like
Short Funny Quotes
Funny Facebook Addiction Quotes
15 Funny Quotes
____The
best way to guarantee that you get that important phone call you have been
waiting for is to go to the bathroom. (funny quote, stupid quote, funny status)
_____If anybody is interested, I'll be signing books at Times square from 7p.m. till I'm removed by security. (short funny quote, funny life quote, stupid funny quote)
_____If you trip and fall hard on your behind and your own child laughs so hard they cry before asking if you're okay, then you have raised that child right. (funny quote saying, funny quote about child, funny status)
_____That banana I had for dinner last night REALLY “hit the spot”! But I don’t run web cam…so you are just gonna have to take my word for it. (funny quote about banana, funny quote life, funny webcam quote)
_____I missed a period in my last status.. thank god I’m a guy. (funny quote, great funny quote, funny quote about period)
_____I saw a guy wearing ' 8 rings. He caught me tryin' to take a pic.. and I'm pretty sure he cast a spell on me and floated away. (funny status, stupid status)
_____If the grass is greener on the other side, it's because someone has been spreading some serious bullshit around. (funny quote saying, great funny quote, crazy quote)
_____What idiot came up with the concept of "going out to work" ? (funny quote about office work, cute funny quote, funny status)
_____My thoughts may be a little manic today... but I'm too busy to put much thought into it. (funny quote saying, cute funny quote, great funny quote)
_____I went to the doctor for a check up. He said, "How many times a week do you masturbate, roughly? "I said, "Never, I always jerk gently." (funny status, funny masturbate quote, funny doctor quote)
_____If I have to tell you ONE MORE TIME to stop flirting with me, that will make once (funny quote saying, funny beer quote, funny status)
_____It's sad how I finally poured my f**king heart out to someone special, and all she had to say was, "Do you have any idea why I pulled you over (funny quote saying, funny chick quote, funny status)
_____My wife keeps calling me a f**k up.. I keep telling her that I am not a f**k up, I am just making conversational topics for the judge. (funny status, funny wife quote)
_____Imagine that you constantly have an epiphany but then lose that train of thought. Awareness, then nothing, awareness, then nothing, awareness, then nothing. That's what it is like to be me but they tell me that my facial expressions are golden. (Awesome funny quote, cute funny quote, great funny quote)
_____I enjoy making relatively simple concepts confusing by using obscure analogies. A bit like riding through outer space on a llama with amnesia. (funny amnesia quote, funny status)
_____If anybody is interested, I'll be signing books at Times square from 7p.m. till I'm removed by security. (short funny quote, funny life quote, stupid funny quote)
_____If you trip and fall hard on your behind and your own child laughs so hard they cry before asking if you're okay, then you have raised that child right. (funny quote saying, funny quote about child, funny status)
_____That banana I had for dinner last night REALLY “hit the spot”! But I don’t run web cam…so you are just gonna have to take my word for it. (funny quote about banana, funny quote life, funny webcam quote)
_____I missed a period in my last status.. thank god I’m a guy. (funny quote, great funny quote, funny quote about period)
_____I saw a guy wearing ' 8 rings. He caught me tryin' to take a pic.. and I'm pretty sure he cast a spell on me and floated away. (funny status, stupid status)
_____If the grass is greener on the other side, it's because someone has been spreading some serious bullshit around. (funny quote saying, great funny quote, crazy quote)
_____What idiot came up with the concept of "going out to work" ? (funny quote about office work, cute funny quote, funny status)
_____My thoughts may be a little manic today... but I'm too busy to put much thought into it. (funny quote saying, cute funny quote, great funny quote)
_____I went to the doctor for a check up. He said, "How many times a week do you masturbate, roughly? "I said, "Never, I always jerk gently." (funny status, funny masturbate quote, funny doctor quote)
_____If I have to tell you ONE MORE TIME to stop flirting with me, that will make once (funny quote saying, funny beer quote, funny status)
_____It's sad how I finally poured my f**king heart out to someone special, and all she had to say was, "Do you have any idea why I pulled you over (funny quote saying, funny chick quote, funny status)
_____My wife keeps calling me a f**k up.. I keep telling her that I am not a f**k up, I am just making conversational topics for the judge. (funny status, funny wife quote)
_____Imagine that you constantly have an epiphany but then lose that train of thought. Awareness, then nothing, awareness, then nothing, awareness, then nothing. That's what it is like to be me but they tell me that my facial expressions are golden. (Awesome funny quote, cute funny quote, great funny quote)
_____I enjoy making relatively simple concepts confusing by using obscure analogies. A bit like riding through outer space on a llama with amnesia. (funny amnesia quote, funny status)
You May Also Like
Funny 4th July Quotes
Funny Zombie Quotes
Funny 4th July Quotes
Funny Zombie Quotes
14 Funny Quotes
____I
wonder why actors can’t act clean and sober? (funny quote, quote about actors)
_____I am really sick of thinking and worrying so from now on I shall be mostly drinking and forgetting (funny quote, drinking quote)
_____I really need to workout tomorrow, but then again, so do you. Look at yourself. (funny quote, witty quote, hilarious quote)
_____'hold it together'! - me talking to my zipper on my pants (funny quote, funny status)
_____You should like this status because all your wildest dreams will come true. (funny status, funny quote about status)
_____I don't mean to sound easy but, please use me whenever you want. ........Sincerely, ............................punctuation (funny quote about punctuation, top funny quote)
_____Lost a lot of faith in humanity tonight...........Someone got offended from my post. We're doomed. (funny status, funny quote)
_____If at first you don't succeed then your a failure....go stand in the corner loser. (funny quote, hilarious quote, witty quote)
_____It’s so weird how your voice controls my middle finger. (funny quote about middle finger, witty quote)
_____I saw a sign on the way to the shop today it said, "Draw Bridge A Head"...I didn't have a pencil...so I kept driving. (funny quote of the day, top funny quote, awesome funny quote, happiness quote)
_____Don't hate me becose I'm gorgeous....hate me cuz I sit around in my underwear on the computer all day and lie about how gorgeous I am. (top funny quote, best funny quote, hilarious quote)
_____Making people scratch their head and say "what the hell", just another service I provide. (funny quote, funny quote about employment, crazy quote)
_____Anybody has some statuses I can borrow?? I want to feel how to be lame. (funny status, funny quote)
_____Remember: There's only one you, and for some of you, I thank GAWD that's true. (funny quote, daily funny quote, funny status)
You May Also Like
Funny Dating Quotes
Funny Breakup Quotes
_____I am really sick of thinking and worrying so from now on I shall be mostly drinking and forgetting (funny quote, drinking quote)
_____I really need to workout tomorrow, but then again, so do you. Look at yourself. (funny quote, witty quote, hilarious quote)
_____'hold it together'! - me talking to my zipper on my pants (funny quote, funny status)
_____You should like this status because all your wildest dreams will come true. (funny status, funny quote about status)
_____I don't mean to sound easy but, please use me whenever you want. ........Sincerely, ............................punctuation (funny quote about punctuation, top funny quote)
_____Lost a lot of faith in humanity tonight...........Someone got offended from my post. We're doomed. (funny status, funny quote)
_____If at first you don't succeed then your a failure....go stand in the corner loser. (funny quote, hilarious quote, witty quote)
_____It’s so weird how your voice controls my middle finger. (funny quote about middle finger, witty quote)
_____I saw a sign on the way to the shop today it said, "Draw Bridge A Head"...I didn't have a pencil...so I kept driving. (funny quote of the day, top funny quote, awesome funny quote, happiness quote)
_____Don't hate me becose I'm gorgeous....hate me cuz I sit around in my underwear on the computer all day and lie about how gorgeous I am. (top funny quote, best funny quote, hilarious quote)
_____Making people scratch their head and say "what the hell", just another service I provide. (funny quote, funny quote about employment, crazy quote)
_____Anybody has some statuses I can borrow?? I want to feel how to be lame. (funny status, funny quote)
_____Remember: There's only one you, and for some of you, I thank GAWD that's true. (funny quote, daily funny quote, funny status)
You May Also Like
Funny Dating Quotes
Funny Breakup Quotes
13 Funny Quotes
____The
first person who heard "you look like a monkey and you smell like one
too" - must have been really pissed on their birthday. (funny quote,
hilarious quote, stupid quote)
_____Lawn darts are more fun when you throw them overhand...at traffic. (funny quote, daily funny quote, funny status)
_____I am a master Facebook event planner - someone probably (funny Facebook status)
_____My psychiatrist told me I have to take stronger medicine to get rid of the voices in my head.. I think he is just jealous I have more friends than he does who talk to me all the time. (funny quote, funny joke, funny status)
_____"You can't have your cake and eat it too." -~People who obviously don't understand what you're supposed to do with cake. (funny quote, crazy quote, hilarious quote)
_____If I was going to commit suicide I would jump off a building with a boom box playing "Believe it or Not I'm Walking on Air. That would at least give the people down below a smile. (funny quote, happiness quote, funny status)
_____Just got an text from a woman. She says her vibrator has challenged me to a duel. (witty quote, hilarious quote, funny quote)
_____I am going on a date with a girl I met on Facebook. I warned her that she better look like her profile photo, or she's buying me beer until she does. (funny Facebook status, funny quote about Facebook)
_____Sometimes it's fun working with golfers. I get to hear things like "I was stroking my balls" and it makes me giggle. (funny quote, funny quote about golf, witty quote)
_____I didn't call your mom a whore..... well..... Okay I did, but that was before I realized she really was one. We're cool now right? (witty quote, hilarious quote, funny quote)
_____I don't like threats unless I'm the one making them. (funny quote about daily life, hilarious quote, crazy quote)
_____There is a fine line between a social hobby and insanity, some of you may have crossed that line. (funny quote, stupid quote, funny social quote)
_____You know your reputation precedes you when the cops taze you before asking for your license and registration. (funny quote about cops, hilarious quote, awesome funny quote)
You May Also Like
Funny Precautions
Funny Youtube Quotes
_____Lawn darts are more fun when you throw them overhand...at traffic. (funny quote, daily funny quote, funny status)
_____I am a master Facebook event planner - someone probably (funny Facebook status)
_____My psychiatrist told me I have to take stronger medicine to get rid of the voices in my head.. I think he is just jealous I have more friends than he does who talk to me all the time. (funny quote, funny joke, funny status)
_____"You can't have your cake and eat it too." -~People who obviously don't understand what you're supposed to do with cake. (funny quote, crazy quote, hilarious quote)
_____If I was going to commit suicide I would jump off a building with a boom box playing "Believe it or Not I'm Walking on Air. That would at least give the people down below a smile. (funny quote, happiness quote, funny status)
_____Just got an text from a woman. She says her vibrator has challenged me to a duel. (witty quote, hilarious quote, funny quote)
_____I am going on a date with a girl I met on Facebook. I warned her that she better look like her profile photo, or she's buying me beer until she does. (funny Facebook status, funny quote about Facebook)
_____Sometimes it's fun working with golfers. I get to hear things like "I was stroking my balls" and it makes me giggle. (funny quote, funny quote about golf, witty quote)
_____I didn't call your mom a whore..... well..... Okay I did, but that was before I realized she really was one. We're cool now right? (witty quote, hilarious quote, funny quote)
_____I don't like threats unless I'm the one making them. (funny quote about daily life, hilarious quote, crazy quote)
_____There is a fine line between a social hobby and insanity, some of you may have crossed that line. (funny quote, stupid quote, funny social quote)
_____You know your reputation precedes you when the cops taze you before asking for your license and registration. (funny quote about cops, hilarious quote, awesome funny quote)
You May Also Like
Funny Precautions
Funny Youtube Quotes
12+ Funny Quotes
_____People say I have no
taste... I don't take any notice of them...I still like you ... (funny quote,
love quote, happiness quote)
_____I turned on answering machine in my phone... But I still don't know what to ask it.. (funny quote, stupid quote, crazy quote)
_____NO, I did not call you FAT! I asked, "how many cows had to die to make your leather pants 4 or 5?" Don't be so sensitive lady! (funny quote, hilarious quote, crazy quote)
_____When someone types Haa Haa, on a post, I can never tell whether their being sarcastic or your actually laughing :-/ (funny quote, crazy quote, stupid quote)
_____There's a good reason why we are not dating, because you keep saying "No" (funny quote, crazy quote, love quote)
_____You look okay ....depending on the light (funny quote, stupid quote)
_____I signed up for a college class studying black holes...................It's not what I thought it would be a about. (funny quote, hilarious quote, crazy quote)
_____I am more broke than the f***ing government. (funny quote, stupid quote)
_____Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life. (funny quote, crazy quote, daily quote)
_____It's terrible how much people starts hating you just because you mix up the words "lmao" and "heartfelt condolences". (funny quote, hilarious quote, stupid quote, crazy quote)
_____Someday I'd like to be able to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job. (funny quote, funny quote about job and boss, hilarious quote0
_____No officer...... It's not "bribery" if that $10 bill was stuck to the back of my license..... finders keepers sorta' thing... uh. (funny quote, daily funny quote, hilarious status)
_____why do women always open their mouths when they put on mascara? Is there some invisible d**k or something that goes along with it? (funny quote, crazy quote, stupid quote)
_____if it looks like a douchebag, and acts like a douchebag, chances are it is my ex-girlfriend. (funny quote, hilarious quote, stupid quote)
_____I just crossed "have an epiphany" off my bucket list because I just don't know what the hell that is and I'm too lazy to Google it. (funny quote, funny status, crazy quote)
_____I like status updates from men and women. I guess I am Bi-Statusable. (funny status)
_____I turned on answering machine in my phone... But I still don't know what to ask it.. (funny quote, stupid quote, crazy quote)
_____NO, I did not call you FAT! I asked, "how many cows had to die to make your leather pants 4 or 5?" Don't be so sensitive lady! (funny quote, hilarious quote, crazy quote)
_____When someone types Haa Haa, on a post, I can never tell whether their being sarcastic or your actually laughing :-/ (funny quote, crazy quote, stupid quote)
_____There's a good reason why we are not dating, because you keep saying "No" (funny quote, crazy quote, love quote)
_____You look okay ....depending on the light (funny quote, stupid quote)
_____I signed up for a college class studying black holes...................It's not what I thought it would be a about. (funny quote, hilarious quote, crazy quote)
_____I am more broke than the f***ing government. (funny quote, stupid quote)
_____Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life. (funny quote, crazy quote, daily quote)
_____It's terrible how much people starts hating you just because you mix up the words "lmao" and "heartfelt condolences". (funny quote, hilarious quote, stupid quote, crazy quote)
_____Someday I'd like to be able to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job. (funny quote, funny quote about job and boss, hilarious quote0
_____No officer...... It's not "bribery" if that $10 bill was stuck to the back of my license..... finders keepers sorta' thing... uh. (funny quote, daily funny quote, hilarious status)
_____why do women always open their mouths when they put on mascara? Is there some invisible d**k or something that goes along with it? (funny quote, crazy quote, stupid quote)
_____if it looks like a douchebag, and acts like a douchebag, chances are it is my ex-girlfriend. (funny quote, hilarious quote, stupid quote)
_____I just crossed "have an epiphany" off my bucket list because I just don't know what the hell that is and I'm too lazy to Google it. (funny quote, funny status, crazy quote)
_____I like status updates from men and women. I guess I am Bi-Statusable. (funny status)
You May Also Like
Like a Boss Quotes
Auto-correct Quotes
Like a Boss Quotes
Auto-correct Quotes
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)