73 Funny Quotes

_______i dont want to brag about this.. If i wouldn't have been a part of your life, you would have missed me :-p  (funny love quote)
_______If you really don't think that I'm a nosy a**hole why did you write it in your diary? (funny diary quotes)
_______I wish I can find me so I could take myself to this schizophrenia clinic I talked to me about (schizophrenic quote)
_______Google is like my wife. She never lets me finish a sentence (funny Google quotes)
_______I turned to alcohol when my wife died.  I like to celebrate in style (quotes about Alcohol)
_______I wish facebook had a anti-virus so there would be less ugly motherf**kers in this b!tch. (Funny Facebook status quote)
_______Let them eat cake. But make sure it's someone else's cake, because this cake is mine.
_______I followed the trail of crumbs but those dirtbags just led me to the ghetto. (ghetto quotes)
_______My wife is constantly trying to change me.............Whether I've sh!t myself or not. (funny quotes about wife)
_______Women with expensive handbags usually have no purseonality...... (funny purse quotes)
_______When you have diarrhea, you suddenly remember where every bathroom is where ever your going.... (funny quotes about diarrhea)
_______I'll see your eyebrow and raise you a middle finger (funny attitude quotes)
_______If you can make a woman laugh, you'll win her heart. And if you're not funny, having lots of money works too. (funny quotes to please women)
_______I guess calling the prettiest girl in the room a 'b!tch' wasn't very nice of me. Well, I was struck by the beauty of the place! (funny quotes about pretty girls)
_______I love the way that everyone on here pretends to have such high standards.  (funny standard quotes)
_______Well, I'm either gonna have to cut down on wanking, or wash the damn floor, or start wearing rubber boots.
_______I don't get this whole thing about the Japanese being such hardworking people. I mean they don't even take the time to cook their food (funny quotes about Japanese)
_______I told my wife that I wanted a hand job so she sent photos of my hands to a modeling agency.Wish me luck
_______You don’t have to use that tone of voice on me. Of course I know what condescending means...... Um,..... it’s when a prisoner lowers himself from a window (funny voice tone quotes)
_______Your status is like a cheap handbag---there is no point in copying it (funny status for Facebook)
_______I'm expecting to be contacted by the FBI any minute, because my last 3 posts to Facebook have been bombs! (funny quotes about FBI)

_______don't know why but I love it when women are full of mystery (mystery quotes)
_______I love a good cigar, so I smuggled some Cubans into the country. Turns out not all of them can make a cigar. (cigar quotes)
_______I think I'm gonna start a landscaping company called "Lawn Order". Of course I get bored kinda easy, so maybe I'll use the profits from it to pay for a new Chinese restaurant that I'll name "All That and Dim Sum". (funny bored quotes)
_______I don't really think you could say I'm from any "walk of life" it's more like a "drunk crawl..of life". (funny life quotes)
_______I hate how some girls takes pictures when they just woke up and look like Selena Gomez ''Cause when i try to do that, i look like a cow on crack'' (funny quote about profile picture)
_______I am updating my status in a public bathroom...what does that say about me? (that I give a sh!t no matter where I'm at?) (funny quotes about public bathroom)
_______When someone says "you're the best," just know that it's not really true because I'm the best. (best funny quotes)
_______Got an email saying I could make millions of dollars in my spare time. I'm considering going full-time. (funny million dollar ideas)
_______It's okay Monday, everything is going to be fine. Come over here, I'll be your friend. (funny quotes about Mondays)
_______If I ever have a million dollar idea, it would be to sell my idea for a million dollars probably. (funny quote about million dollar ideas)
_______‎People who thinks that 'everything is Fair in love and war' are so racist. (funny quote about Love)
_______I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Mine was a plastic spork!
_______if this day ended right now, I would STILL want to throat punch about 10 people. (funny extremist quote)
_______Facebook isn't like radio... It's okay to shut the f**k up once in awhile. (funny Facebook status)
_______I find it ironic that the Chinese sit Indian style when eating... but when I do it, they tell me to get off the buffet table! (funny ironic quotes)
_______This is a new day and age.....you can be anyone u want......well at least on facebook........look at me.....I'm a f**king lemur (funny Facebook quote status)
_______If you're aiming to please, are you using the right weapon? (pleasing quotes)
_______A professional shooter never says "I missed you". (funny miss you quotes)
_______McDonalds came out with a new burger and the other fast food places can't touch it. It is called the McHammer (funny quotes about McDonalds)
_______Sometimes, I like statuses because, it was comparatively less worse than the comments on it..  (funny status about worse status)
_______I don't mind being back on my meds... I really don't. I just think it's sad that at the same time all the dogs in the neighborhood decided to stop talking to me. (funny meds quotes)
_______Dear Spouse, I know you have seen me without cloths on numerous occasions but I still like my privacy when I am sitting on the toilet... (funny quotes about spouse)
_______That awkward moment when you're in 14 different group pages, but all the friends are the same! (funny awkward moment quotes)
_______I hate how my body breaks down the asparagus I eat into sulfur and bicarbonate ions in a large concentration to make my piss stink.
_______Im never serious......Seriously I'm not !
_______My favorite hobby is sitting at the end of a person's bed and when they wake up, I tell them, Relax, this is just a dream. (funny hobby quote)
_______Dating girls is Awesome.. Whilst all my friends are out doing it, I'm leveling up ahead of them rapidly on my pokemon game! (funny dating quote)
_______Thanks to the sign in my doctors office that reads sign in with receptionist and have a seat I've managed to furnish every room in my house.
_______I've just finished watching 'Misery' or as my wife likes to call it, 'our wedding video'. (funny quote about wed video)
_______I was at this tiny restaurant paying my bill, when I saw a jar that read "Tip Jar", so I did.... and MONEY came out!! I even had enough to pay my bill! (funny tipping quotes)
_______I used to date a girl that was into magic and every time I went down on her I would end up with a hare in my mouth (funny magic dating quote)
_______Sorry I didnt like your status. It had so many typos I thought it was one of mine
_______I don't need much to keep me happy. In fact, some days nothing keeps me happy. (funny doing nothing quote)
_______everything in life comes to an end.. Just like the 24th Beer Can in my fridge. (funny life beer quote)
_______I tried to sing Red Solo Cup but I didn't know the words so I just whistled Dixie
_______There should be a new relationship status for girls on Facebook...... Batteries Dead (funny relationship status)
_______Running around and screaming like you won the lottery when you draw ticket number 69 at the deli is apparently frowned upon at my supermarket. (funny lottery quote)
_______When someone's being bullied, I can't just close my eyes and pretend like I don't wanna be part of all that fun. (funny fun quotes)
_______As soon as you leave your house, you're already invading my personal space (funniest insulting quote)
_______Some people are more attractive when you don't have to look at them, others when you don't have to listen (funny sarcastic quote)
_______I have a really good tip for you! Its on the front of my foot. (sarcasm status quote)
_______If you don't know the difference between "lose and loose" then I will let lose and say that you are a looser... 
_______Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it'll be dinner time! (funny Facebook addiction quote)
_______The best thing about the internet.. It's available to everyone! The worst thing about the internet.. It's available to everyone! (funny internet quote)
_______I'm expecting.......my foot to be up your a** any second now. (sarcasm quote)
_______"This is NOT MY CUP OF TEA!" - Me pointing to my cup of coffee as soon as I arrive at work. (like a boss quote)
_______Good things come to those who wait....but the longer you wait the loser your definition of good becomes. (funny phrase)
_______Went on a date last night. The chemistry was so-so, but the physics was unbelievable. (dating quotes)
_______That feeling when you can't fall asleep and you decide to stay up all night and then end up falling asleep 20 minutes before you have to be up! (awkward moment joke)

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41 Funny Quotes

_____I'm very good at graphic design and calligraphy, and I have certificates in biochemistry, biology, quantum physics, math and rocket science to prove it.
_____They say: "the freaks come out at night". This is why I stay indoors until it's dark. I don't want to screw up the eco-system. (freaking quote)
_____Please let me know if and how, I offended you in any of my postings. It makes it a lot easier to target those weaknesses for up-coming posts
_____It's stupid how some people break into a song out of nowhere, I swear sometimes it's like I waited my whole life for this one night, Its gonna be me you and the dancefloor.
_____If you don't think anyone loves you or cares about you, then give me a call. I'll reaffirm that for ya
_____Sometimes I feel guilty if there is a comment on a status that has no likes while the rest of the comments have several. So...if I like your comment and nobody else does...it's more than likely a 'sympathy like'.
_____I hate to say I told you so, because I have a lisp and it sounds stupid.
_____You know, when I'll have children I'm gonna force them to watch the movie 2012 and tell them I fuggin survived this whole movie !! (funny 2012 movie quote status)
_____That awkward moment when you post inspirational thoughts on Facebook… and your comments are filled with: “That’s deep!”, “Who hacked into your account?”, “I don’t get it.”, “Did the aliens get you?”, “Drink another one!”, “Where’s the punch line?” etc… (awkward moment joke)
_____My boss suggested me to start the presentation with something funny and practical.... So I attached my salary slip on the very first slide.
_____It takes *time to understand women.  *FOREVER
_____If I write your name on my notebook, that means I like you. If I write it in blood, that means I love you to death. (funny love quote)
_____Keep your friends close, and your enemies oh, hey! I didn't even see you there! How are things? Good, good.
_____Why is it whenever someone in here calls someone stupid, I assume they are talking about YOU? (funny offensive quote)
_____I don't mean to brag, but I was just surfing the net, and I found out that there are several single women in my area dying to meet me.
_____I got on my jogging suit, tennis shoes, headband, pedometer, and bottle of water, I'm ready...to get on the computer and do some facebooking...ooooh, what a workout.
_____I see your name written in the stars. Actually, when I "connect the dots" it spells out "f**king b!t*h." Close enough.
_____I just found out it takes exactly 14 frozen potatoes thrown from 200 feet to completely destroy my neighbor's shed.
_____The iPhone 5 is like constipation. Stop waiting for it. It ain't gonna happen. (funny iPhone quote status)
_____Why do women live a longer, better and peaceful life? Cuz women don't have a f**king wife!
_____Today I met eyes with a beautiful lady. She looked at me, it felt like love & time stood still for a second. But then she closed her blinds.
_____If you get a friend request from me its because I like funny people. If you dont get one its because I like funny people
_____My wife constantly complains and whines about me not giving her enough time. Thank god my girlfriend is not like that.
_____Yesterday was my best friend's best day. So I asked him to be patient till i log on facebook so i can wish him a Happy Birthday (funny birthday quote)
_____My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
_____Sometimes I like your Post to give you a hug ;)
_____If at first you don't succeed, I'd suggest you hurl yourself into traffic. I saw your first attempt and dude, you suck.
_____I'm a fair weather friend. Don't ask me to do shit unless it's nice out. :)
_____Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn!
_____You can actually fall in love with your own Wife/Girlfriend if some other man describes her to you.
_____Why do girls pluck their eyebrows first... and then draw them with eyebrow pencil & liners and stuff.
_____Me: Nice monkey. Woman at store: That's my baby! Me: Oh. <walks away>
_____I'm going out shopping today... to try and find a new Facebook outfit.
_____i woke up all peace and calm today, googled my symptoms and realized i might be dead.. :-/
_____The only time I make someone hot and bothered is when I'm burning their house to the ground. (funny offensive quote)
_____To the people who don't like me.. suck it. To the people that do like me.. same thing. :)
_____The weather man said tomorrow is gona b twice as cold as it is today....but its now 0˚ so how cold will it be? (funny weather quote status)
_____Know who has a bad sense of direction? This guy ---------->
_____Every time I think I've come up with a great FB status and no one likes it I die a little inside
_____Sometimes I like to just stop everything I'm doing and reflect on the life I have lived...but I'm always interrupted by the people in the back of the bus telling me to watch where I'm f**king driving
_____I'm so paranoid half of the time I'm worried about what's gonna happen the other half of the time (funny paranoid quote status)
_____I was going take a photo of myself in front of my bathroom mirror, but then I remembered, I'm not a douchebag

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32 Funny Quotes

_____Temptation is bad... but in a very awesome way :-D (funny temptation quote status)
_____the awkward moment when someone gives a creepy stare and you stare somewhere else (funny awkward moment quote)
_____I thought you were my facebook friend, turns out you're just another facebook "user" (facebook user quote)
_____I like saying inappropriate things around children. It gets them ready for the real world (funny parenting quote status joke)
_____Why the "hell" do people keep "misusing" quotation marks??
_____(I need more) F**K (in) MY LIFE (funny life quote)
_____Sir, can i f**k your daughter? WHAT??? I said, can i have a glass of water? (funny daughter quote)
_____Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again." Most guys probably (funny relationship quote)
_____if anyone asks why I'm groping them, its because love is blind. Yea that's why (funny love quote)
_____Some folks are well off. I'm just well, off.  (funny folk quote)
_____Yes this look on my face does mean " I want to punch you"
_____Good things come to those who 'bait....... So i'll just be here, .... 'waiting till something good comes : )
_____You know how shirts come with an extra button just in case you lose one. I think socks should come with one extra sock just to be on the safe side (funny sock quote)
_____Once a year I do this thing with my ex where I call her in the middle of the night, sing, "♪♫ I just called to say... (long pause).. FUCK YOU BITCH!!!" then hang up (funny ex status quote)
_____I seem to have lost my mind this morning. If you find it, can you please pick it up? I'd put on some gloves first if I were you though...it's a dirty thing (funny mind quote)
_____Question: So when you "poke" someone on Facebook, where exactly are you poking them??? (funny poke status)
_____I woke up this morning, saw that there is a roof over my head ..... life is good! (funny life quote)
_____Out of all the millions of colors the human eye can see... NAKED is the one I see the clearest (funny naked quote)
_____I'm going back to MySpace........ People there actually commented on how hot i was in all my pics. It's like you guys don't care how I feel (funny myspace quote)
_____I'm a great dancer... If you're comparing me to Stephen Hawking (funny Stephen Hawking quote)
_____i am a girl with daddy issues which is the reason for all my boyfriend issues (funny daddy issues quote)
_____i dont know about love.. but am surely falling in lust with you ;-) (funny love lust quote)
_____Tonight I did a little role play....I ate breakfast for dinner...in bed :)
_____7, 3, 11, 9, 5... the lottery numbers. What are the odds? (funny lotto quote)
_____I love that cute little thing you do with your mouth :) You know....when you shut the f**king thing
_____Told my friend today I was feeling lonely. She said, Don't worry, it's probably just an isolated incident.
_____Don't hate the bitch. Hate the d**khead that made her that way
_____I like other people's statuses like I like my Kentucky Fried Chicken recipe......ORIGINAL (funny KFC quote)
_____My brain, my second best organ (funny brain quote)
_____I really dont want to brag about it but as soon as hot girls see me, they want to get in shape to impress me. So they start running
_____Looking at where I've come from [~•] to where I'm at now , I'm amazed at how far I've come!
_____To the bitch behind me in the 12 items or less check out line givin' me dirty looks.. my 30 bananas and 20 cucumbers equals 2 muthafuckin' items.. so shutty! :)

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