71 Funny Quotes

_______Listen...I need to know, who is spreading the word on how awesome I am?  (Being awesome quote)
_______Wonder which one of my rich friends in here are willing to send me some money.......I'm broke!! (money borrow quote)
_______Depression - this is when you login into Facebook see all the notifications and you do not know what to do.. (funny depression quote)
_______Kids today are so spoiled with all their electronic gadgets. I remember when all we had for entertainment was a black and white TV with rabbit ears and tin foil on top of the antenna. (funny entertainment quote)
_______Sometimes, late at night, I move the neighbors garbage cans to the middle of the road and laugh when the drunks swerve at the last minute to avoid them......  (drunk quote)
_______Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the things you did......so plz drink all you can from now!!!! (drunk status)
_______I threw a stick at a squirrel...... Then we looked into each other's eyes and we laughed about how short that throw was...... (hilarious status)
_______Wow! I'm writing my name in the air, with these sparklers! Oh... It's over now. :(
_______Please don't annoy me! I've castrated everything on the farm. (funny annoying quote)
_______The best thing about marriage are the affairs. (affair status)
_______My dentist and I are working to bridge the gap...between my teeth (funny dentist quote)
_______I am thinking about showing my boss how hard I work in here to make all of laugh so I can ask him for a raise (funny boss quote)
_______If I was drunk.....you would be reading a much more funnier status right now (funny drunk status)
_______Please don't come over to my house and ask where things are, because I do not know! I JUST moved in two years ago!! (hilarious drunk quote tweet)
_______I've always loved telling jokes about distances...... but I've gone too far this time. (funny distance quote)
_______No, I probably don't want to go with you to a seafood place named Sam & Ella's.
_______I am too old for fighting. Mess with me and I will set your house on fire....and wait outside with a gun (funny fighting quote)
_______''challenge'' is my middle name.. Unless you wanna buy me a house or something..

_______These vegetables I have been eating lately taste like they have been in their wheelchair way too long (famous hilarious quote)
_______i am indrustable.. I am superman.. Ouch...!!! Papercut... Someone call 911! (funny superman quote)
_______I just spent the last one hour sweating, panicked, hyperventilating, NEVER forget your phone at home.. That's some scary sh*t!  (funny phone status)
_______Just enjoyed watching a street performance by the most convincing and dedicated mime artist I've ever seen. He finished acting out a heart attack six hours ago, and he's still lying there. (random funny quote)
_______Jealousy doesn't look good on you. What does jealousy look like? It looks like being envious of the mental patient who has a nice bathrobe. (famous funny quote)
_______Never let anyone put you down....That's my job ! (hilarious quote ever)
_______No, I didn't say you have cute dimples. I said you have a lot of pimples (funny dimple pimple quote)
_______I let a blind guy borrow money from me yesterday, he told me that he'll pay me back the next time he sees me WAIT!! ( ._.) (funny money borrow quote status)
_______I hate people that b!tch about everything they hate on Facebook, but yet they continue to get on Facebook. (funny Facebook lovers quote)
_______I think I might be posting too much stuff in here so today I will try to keep it down...to only 71
_______If you give me a speech about the dangers of my second hand smoke you might suffer from a first hand A$$ kicking. (funny smocking status)
_______Where I live gas prices have dropped 40 cents in 3 weeks but it still has not gone down as much as your Mom (you mama status joke)
_______They say Isaac causes national gas price high but not as much as I'm (Isaac status)
_______People think I'm crazy because apparently they always see me talking to myself....funny enough they wouldn't know that its myself talking to me (crazy quote status)
_______Was going to bake something but the recipe calls for 4 cups of water. Who the hell has 4 measuring cups? (funny recipe quote status)
_______NOTHING CAN MAKE YOU LOSE YOUR ERECTION QUICKER THAN A PHONE CALL FROM YOUR MOTHER
_______your stupidity controls my fist (shortest sarcastic quote)
_______Well kid lemme put it this way...If you still like her after a w*nk, she's the one. (funny kid wink quote status)

_______This girl I met said "My hobbies are gardening and music"... so I was all "That's great, why don't you plant your tulips on my skinflute" (best famous funny love quote status)
_______This guy told me that he can see the future but he didn't even try to duck when I punched him in the face (funny future punch quote)
_______That frustrating and awkward moment when... you realize that you’re never going to get the damn garden hose to ever roll back up in its original shape. (funny awkward moment quote)
_______last night I was walking a girl home until she turned around and saw me (stalkers status)
_______Don't ask my opinion right now.. I am completely honest when I'm sick.. (funny honesty quote)
_______Life would be so much easier if blessings stopped wearing disguises... (funny disguises quote)
_______"User Friendly" is just another way of saying stupid... (stupid quote)
_______I just got a free bluetooth. I was chewing on the end of my ink pen and it broke open (stupid bluetooth quote)
_______People say I'm sarcastic but I'm just investigating the effects of irony on morons.. (best sarcastic quote ever)
_______And for my next trick, I'll attempt to pay these bills with absolutely NO money in the bank. (funny bill quotes)
_______I wouldn't really say I'm lazy.....everyone has their choices and I just choose to do nothing most times (funniest hilarious lazy quote)
_______I wonder if you used your last nerve to get on my last nerve? Cause man I tell ya, you got your nerves! (funny getting on nerve quote)

_______I really need to jump off this computer and log out of Facebook just so I can jump back on Facebook on my cell phone (funny Facebook addiction quote)
_______"You don't have to live like a refugee. If you don't like it, leave" - Tom Pettys Refugee Camp (funny refugee quote status)
_______When I think about you, I touch myself, and when I say touch myself, I mean scratching my head trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you (funny love quote)
_______I have about decided that facebook is primarily a site where people who are completely screwed up come to lie about how great their life is and people who have it made come to lie about how screwed up their life is (funny Facebook reality)
_______My oldest son just said "mother-f**ker" when he dropped his iPhone ... and I yelled "present". (funny iPhone quote)
_______In my constant effort to improve myself, I started to make a list of all the things I learned througout my life....Why is this page still blank? (funny life lesson quote)
_______I can take a joke, but I can't take it if you take my joke! (funny piracy quote)
_______My 'real' friends keep asking me if I've got a job, because I'm ''never'' on Facebook anymore...
_______3.6 Billion women in the world and not one of them are naked in front of me right now! That just isn't right.. (funny stupid desire)
_______I have no idea how old I am.. I stopped caring after 21 (funny caring quote)
_______I was in the passenger seat of a car on the motorway... Then I thought, Where the f**k has the rest of the car gone? (funniest quotes)
_______The house telephone thingy just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped and rolled. (funny landline phone quote)
_______I just fell over and I think I broke my collar-bone. ROF.
_______People who point out the mistakes in my posts are the typo people I want to pinch in the throat (funny typo quotes)
_______Apparently 'Better late than never' is not the right thing to say at a funeral (funny idioms)
_______I was walking in the park earlier and saw this beautiful lark singing in a blossoming cherry tree and it made me think about how petty life's problems really are. Then I went home and told that story to the people chained up in my basement who keep b!tching about how hungry they are. (awesome funny event quote)
_______You know the drinks are getting to you when the girls at the bar pay you no attention and you think they are playing hard to get. (funny bar girls quote status)

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56 Funny Quotes

_____I don't mean to brag or anything, but.. I'm known around the office as Cuntalicious. :) (famous funny quote)

_____My ex-girlfriend was deaf....she left me for a deaf friend of her's...To be honest, I should have paid attention to those signs. (funny deaf quote status)

_____Some people have trust issues....not me, I figure why limit it to just trust, I prefer to just have issues in general (funny trust quote)

_____Women love to drop their laundry around me... which is starting to make these family get togethers awkward  (funny awkward moment quote status)

_____I hate it when I think of something funny while in the shower and I run out to the living room to save it on the laptop and my neighbor starts yelling and screaming "what the hell are you doing here?" (short funny joke)

_____My love for aliens is beyond this planet.  (famous funny love quote)

_____The only time a woman asks me a question I care about, is when she's my waitress and is asking me about what I want to eat.  (funny women quotes)

_____How rude of FB , to notify the whole world it's my birthday except me?!  (funny Facebook birthday quote)

_____i sent a "in-relationship" request but my vibrator declined (funny relationship quote for Facebook)

_____Ladies.. please stop neglecting your elbows! Put some lotion on those before they look like dried up pencil erasers 

_____i wish i was an ugly girl.. i would have had more subjects to make posts about.. like not getting laid.   (funny getting laid quote status)

_____I reviewed the statistics, crunched some numbers and calculated the risk and discovered that the chances of me get ran over while sitting on my couch are far less than they are when I a jogging. I must be lazy for my wellbeing.....  (great funny quote status)

_____I drink 2 beers at a time so I can toast myself. (funny beer quote)

_____Your body is a temple.. and I'm feelin' religious. :)  (famous funny quote)

_____I was in the V.I.P. booth at the club and the last time I had that many women rubbing my thigh was at the family reunion  (hilarious quote status)

_____We used to be friends on facebook, but that was before I banged your dad.  (funny dad quote)

_____I like my womens underwear like how I like the sun.......hot, looks better going down and disappears at night   (funny women quote)

_____This weekend I hope I am as wasted as my time spent on Facebook

_____If we are just subscribe and "Like" each others statuses but aren't friends... are we having a secret Facebook affair?  (funny affair quote)

_____Weird how an attractive face is criteria by which one decides whether to lick the area that someone pees from.  (great funny famous quote)

_____I went down on an Indian chick once and my breath still smells like curry

_____Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons....they don't have a wife to go home to or they have a wife to go home too (funny wife quote)

_____I met a girl at a bar and after a few drinks her pants dropped faster than Facebooks stock value  (funny quote about Facebook stock value)

_____Today I held the elevator door for a retard.. Oops sorry maybe i shouldn't say this word.. I meant the 'lift'  (funny retard quote)

_____The sun's out and girls are wearing skirts today. The probability of me getting laid still hasn't changed though!  (funny getting laid quote)

_____Hey dumb  Not every thing I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb  (famous funny quote, the punchline)

_____When you finish reading this you will have read what I wrote when I was writing this  (dumb quote)

_____I asked a homeless guy where he was from. He said, "I'm originally from just outside

_____Do you know what goes great with having dinner on the floor... a straw to suck up the vodka you spilled next to it!

_____Well, I balanced my check book.....on the edge of the table for 3 seconds before it fell

_____I just found a $100 bill that I forgot I had. Its from the electric company and if I dont pay it tomorrow they will shut my lights off

_____I took a free test today to see how smart I am and it only cost me $5  (stupid quote)

_____Some jacka** just tripped and fell on his face. I was laughing pretty hard until I noticed I was bleeding.  (dumb quote)

_____I am either having an off day or a bunch of my friends forgot how to read  (awesome funny quote status)

_____‎"Not tonight, honey. I've got cephalgia." - Why I don't date doctors.  (funny quote about cephalgia)

_____I almost got into a car accident,because I was reading a sign that told me to keep my eyes on the road...  (awesome creepy quote status)

_____You know the reason why Adele is still at the top of the chart....lol...because no one can move her.  (funny quote about Adele )

_____behind every successful man is that word successful.  (famous quote)

_____No silly im not a whore i just look that way on facebook. Giggles  (funny Facebook status)

_____You know I'm not supposed to be talking or texting while you are driving me crazy!

_____I hate how I have to hold a fart in until my guests have to go to the bathroom....

_____Drinking is great for my health. It takes me three times longer to walk home from the bar (great hilarious quote status)

_____People at work don't like me because apparently they think I'm conceited....I doubt that's the reason tho..........its probably cuz I'm too awesome  (conceited quote)

_____There are few things in this world that can't be solved with a swift kick to the head. (creepy quote)

_____Be careful when getting set up on blind dates. Dimples and a personality is code for a 60 inch waist and schizophrenic. (be careful quote)

_____Frosty beverages, in twelve packs I buy thee, when the time is right, usually at night, I pledge to consume thee

_____Every time I see a sad, bitter, lonely old lady I want to hug her and ask "you know cats exist, right?"

_____When a guy says ”no homo” it usually is homo (funny homo quote)

_____All I want is some peace & quiet around here... you give me a piece & then I'll be quiet. :p  (awesome funny quote status)

_____I just stole a smart car... you should see all these bicycle cops behind me!

_____I am having the best f**king day; I called my Mother-in-law a b!tch and now my wife is giving me the silent treatment ... twice blessed.  (short funny joke, the punch line)

_____Sometimes I get distracted by Facebook. My wife just texted me asking what I want to eat for dinner. My response.... your mom. I am afraid to answer my phone (one liner joke)

_____I just ate salmon and now my breath smells like cat food.  In related news.. I'm still single.

_____So last year 700,212 got killed by passive smoking....personally I think that it served them good for not buying their own  cigarettes (funny statics quote)

_____Last night they threw me out of the hospital....They shouldn't have those signs which says 'Stroke patients here' (funny patient quote)

_____You think my posts suck, you should see my ransom note... just ask this elephant in my basement! (LOL quotes)

_____Before you make a wish on a star make sure its not a police helicopter


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_____My friends are like a box of Cracker Jacks. The nuts are my favorite

_____Holy shit, John Travolta? No wonder why you're such an awesome dancer. (funny John Travolta quote status)

_____Sometimes I talk to myself and laugh because I'm just that hilarious (hilarious quote)

_____i dont get it - females these days are becoming teen moms or they maintain themselves too well.. !! :-/

_____Totally forgot that there is no auto correct when hand writing, doubt the boss is going to like my report!!

_____Alcohol is the liquid version of Photoshop. Though I prefer acid....

_____I was smoking some weed and police saw me through the walls of my house and arrested me...moral of the story...'People who live in glass houses should not get stoned'.

_____They say you should never go to bed angry. But then they say if you have a problem, you should sleep on it, so how does that work?

_____I don't care if you know what I did last summer, just tell me what the hell I did last night!!

_____The best thing to do to look Happy is to make everyone around you look miserable.. Magic

_____I like my boss like I like my alcohol…Shot

_____it's so pathetic that we have to work for money to buy important stuff that we need to survive.. i wish barter system would still work... cuz i can offer to perform a snake dance for some beer... :-)

_____I would never sell my soul to the Devil. But I'm pretty open to leasing it to him.

_____This bed is far too comfy to get out of to pee... ahhh.... I feel better (lazy quote)

_____either be mine.. Or you shall not see the sunshine.. ~ romantic talk with the guy in the basement ;-)

_____When I told you I liked you better au naturale I didn't mean without makeup.. I meant without clothes.. so umm... Not to sound rude but before the latter could you perhaps fix the former? yeah... Ill miss her.

_____Men. I have all secrets on how to woo a woman. Rule 1. Stop trying to woo more than one at a time.

_____It's a shame I don't have a reflection in the mirror because I'm so pretty.

_____Great. If gays can get married they won't have time to plan straight weddings.

_____an eye infection due to sperm in the eye is cumjunctivitis

_____sometimes I hear a voice telling me to stop drinking. Found out during an ultrasound, it was my liver.

_____your face isn't anything a bottle of tequila cant fix

_____I might find my soulmate if I actually had a soul

_____When I post a status and get only two "likes", it really pisses me off to have a friend steal it and get 20. I think I need a better class of friends!

_____Sarah jessica parker was so cute when she was only a pony (funny Sarah Jessica Parker quote status joke)

_____I always do what makes me happy..........whether its right or wrong............or legal

_____It may be the alcohol talking, but you are sexy as hell!!. Wait, yup, its the alcohol

_____I guess haha you clutz! was an insensitive response to my friends story about how he lost his leg.

_____If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces........ they always seem to attract trouble

_____Sometimes, I like to go to T.G.I. Fridays on Sunday and get sh*t faced... just to prove that us real drunks still exist.

_____I carry redbox movies in my purse for weeks...thug life

_____I would make a post about having a drink but I don't drink so screw you! (that's the alcohol talking)

_____I am so clever sometimes........ Just wish other people were around when I am..

_____I suck at saying goodbyes...thus is why I stalk

_____I cant make you love me, but I can sure as hell test the restrictions on that restraining order.

_____I wish they would make, "faces of death" where you could choose the face.

_____I met a beautiful girl last night. She was quite a squirter. So what if she was squirting pepper spray. It still counts

_____I must taste freakin' awesome! My dog wont stop licking me!

_____ Be careful what you wish for. One time I was going on a date and I wished that she would want to have kiss. She did want to...just not with me

_____Better late than never................ Period probably.

_____If you don't like peeing alone, get a dog.

_____You can't put a value on a human life, but my wife's life insurance company made a pretty fair offer.

_____The doctor told me that I should watch my waist line, so I put it out where I could keep an eye on it. (funny Doctor quote status)

_____Don't be silly, of course I don't hate you,if I hated you, I wouldn't make fun of you.....

_____I got a tattoo of the Facebook logo on my arm and now my arm doesn't work....

_____My grandpa is insisting on buying a guitar.. I think he's gonna start a new genre of music.. "near death metal"

_____i only work so i can earn money.. Money for all my bills.. Like beer, joints, friends, pizza and gadgets...  Am i forgetting anything..??

_____My doctor tries so hard to be hip. I was being examined for a bad case of compacted fecal matter in my colon, and as he looked at the results he proclaimed that shit is tight! (funny doctor status joke)

_____Useless scientists !! They say smoking weed causes short term memory loss......next they will be saying that smoking weed causes short term memory loss ...

_____I will always be nice to you but only because you have pictures of me naked.. O_O

_____a school teacher is always drunk..so we call her high school teacher

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_____You are so vain I bet you always know which way the wind is blowing.

_____Someone dared me to post this and I know it wont get many likes but I am gonna do it any way

_____I just found human hairs in my McDonald's burger.  and that was the most natural ingredient in this Burger (funny McDonald quote status)

_____I know it's difficult to see things from my point of view, with your head stuck so far up your a**
_____Did you know why the midget didn't get the joke? It was over his head.  (funny midget status)
_____Out of all the theories on arguing with woman; it seems that no one works. (funny women quote)
_____Gosh!, You are SO attractive, turn around and let me get a look.... Mmmn mmmmm, give it a little shake, uh hu... THAT'S THE STUFF dreams are made of baby~ Me in front of the mirror every morning..
_____Well, it's 5:00 p.m here, so I guess it's time to get out of bed and head to the couch....I almost missed my nap! (funny nap quote)

_____If you are gonna share a link with me make sure its a hot one

_____Your posts are so good that I like them twice. What?? Well, it's not my fault that after the first like, it changes to 'Unlike'

_____why is it so necessary to take a shower every year?

_____If you think your loud car stereo makes you a bad a** why do you turn it down like a b!tch when you see a cop? (funny stereo quote status)

_____Don't be mean to me... It's Saturday.

_____the way your profile pic keeps looking at me....i don't know whether to be creeped out or turned on.

_____I have three credit scores and they are all the same: No money, No money, No money. (funny credit quote status)

_____I ask my buddy to give me a hug and he tells me he doesn't do hugs with guys. What the f**k! Look if you think i'm gonna kiss you then DREAM ON

_____Never...ever...ever...wake a sleeping woman!!!!!!! Because then she'll be awake and wanna talk

_____I was told never to throw the first punch, I was also told that I really suck at counting.

_____i feel like changing my display picture to the real me.. but than i dont want to increase my stalkers and/or break your high expectations ;-)

_____I was talking to this beautiful woman earlier today. She said she was surprised I didn't have a girlfriend because I seemed like such a great guy.....then I sneezed in her mouth and the mystery was solved.

_____Studies show that people who like my posts have an above average IQ

_____Sometimes when I see people badly in need of my help, I just wish I was Superman, that way I wouldn't give a flying f**k!

_____I was in London this morning when a Japanese man approached me."Please......Can you take?" he said, handing me a camera.As he sat on the wall smiling, I got into a taxi and thought, "What a nice feller."

_____I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree you can just call me and I'll probably still tell you to f**k off anyways

_____YouTube is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them.. Whatt the f**king Shitt!! In person!

_____What's the name of that Eminem song where he's all mad and shit? (funny Eminem quote status)

_____Am i the only person who wonders what would happen if I microwave something live? Like a cat or mouse.

_____I overheard some women at the store complaining about the fact that she was getting older and how wished she could stay 39 forever so I walked up to her and snapped her neck.

_____my friend texted me saying what would you recommend as a good book to read.... I replied the Dictionary

_____I'm like a physicist in bed. The more aerodynamic a woman curves the greater the resistance. (funny physicist quote)

_____I ALWAYS believe in giving people second chances….because it is MUCH easier to make someone miserable when you are together!!

_____So I was awake whole  night trying to figure out what Insomnia is (funny insomnia quote status)

_____My low self-esteem sucks almost as much as I do. (funny self esteem quote)

_____All it takes is 10 minutes without Internet to prove my total uselessness as a person

_____No one is born as a leader, situations make them an a**hole.... I mean leader. (funny leader quote)

_____I just accidentally toasted bread that was toasted already.....am I now a re toaster!!

_____first day at yoga class, they told me 'no drinks allowed'.. I couldn't leave my glass unattended.. Hence i and my vodka walked out!! (funny yoga vodka quote status)

_____I got a call today that said my neighbor was involved in a hit and run...I told them that I'd be at the hospital as soon as I get my front bumper repaired

_____The last time a Wednesday was a hump day, was 15 years ago before I said "I do" (funny hump day quote)

_____Although never intentional, I always end up making great speeches on random topics while taking a dump. (funny brag quote status)

_____I'm tired from all this procrastination... so I'm just going to sit here and think about taking a nap.

_____I need a spring loaded bed so if I don't want to get up, it will just throw me out of it

_____What did I do last night? I climbed a mountain and wrestled a tiger. What do you think I did? I f**ked my hand and fell asleep.. WTF! ;)

_____I find the fact that some people don't have a Facebook account highly suspicious

_____But officer she said make it rain!!!  sir you pissed on her head ... And ladies and gentlemen this is the reason Im not back allowed in the strip club

_____I love everyone...I love women...I love my friends...I love to punch stupid MFers in the face...

_____My boss said she likes seeing me hard at work... so I'm taken my pants off to try and get a little ahead!

_____My girlfriend wore so much perfume that I stuck her in a clay pot and set fire to her hair. She was incensed.

_____I was just about to write something inspiring but then I stopped and realized I am not that kind of person!

_____I prefer 77 over 69 cuz you get eight more....

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_____I was thinking about when I met my wife. I'll never forget the first thing she ever said to me. " Stop following me, you f**king freak!!!"  (short joke)

_____I poked your mom today. Then I logged on to Facebook (funny facebook quote status) _____Wonders if when I'm about to go to sleep, the people in my dreams shudder and think, "oh no, she's back again!" 
_____I'm the kind of friend who will give a person a hug when they need it and a swift kick in the a** when they need it and I feel that the latter is more often needed. 
_____I'm going to succeed in business without really trying. By succeed, I mean fail, and by trying I mean taking a lot of naps. 
_____Facebook is like a men locker room at the gym. All the nuts hang out here (funny Facebook Status)
_____I'll go hiking with any woman if it leads to the trail head. 
_____You can tell by my calf muscles that I kick people while they're down. 
_____Does anyone know of a way to "block" themselves? I'm tired of reading the sh*t that I post. 
_____I overheard a woman telling her boyfriend that he spends too much time on Facebook. Then she got mad, because I was ignoring her. 
_____I am rich, good looking and hung like a horse. I just wish I could stop telling lies _____Barbra Walters has been arrested in LA for stealing kitchen utensils. She pleaded, "It was a wisk I had to take." (Funny Barbra Walters quote joke) 
_____It is impossible to send a hug thru the internet but if you send me a topless photo I will HUG myself 
_____No, I do not want to go to my school reunion, I have facebook, I can see that you've turned into a fat ugly b!tch..... 
_____My wife said she's leaving me because of my addiction to Facebook, I didn't comment, I just gave her a thumbs up. (funny wife quote) 
_____Being on Facebook is like being constipated. I cant seem to log out (funny Facebook status) 
_____I tried to chase my dreams... but realized I had a knife in my hand, so now they're scared of me. :( (funny dream quote) 
_____I once dated a guy named Mike who hated to be called Michael. Then I dated a guy named Dave who really hated to be called Michael. ;) 
_____I am not a stalker!!!! I just believe in extensively participating in the neighborhood watch program. (funny stalker quote) 
_____I single handedly prevented a mass murder at work today or I gave in a smoked a cigarette, ever how you want to say it. (funny smoking quote) 
_____I saw a sign in the store that said pants up to 80% off so I ran right in and everyone had their pants on :( 
_____ jealous of the toilet bowl because i hug it more then him :( 
_____This lady just told me that her coffee was superior to mine........ Well Latte Da! 
_____For the past year, I've been putting all my loose change into a piggy bank. Today, I smashed it open and I now have enough money to buy another piggy bank. Result. 
_____I've been buying way too much alcohol from the other day... I think I may have a really serious problem.. . I'm becoming a shopaholic 
_____Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle. 
_____Don't want someone to sit next to you on the bus? Easy. Just shit your pants. 
_____I'm going to stop asking people the proverbial question  "How stupid can you get?". Some people see it as a challenge. 
_____Make this conversation quick, I don't have all day, I'm a very busy person. And when you're done, close the door, so I can finish my nap. Thanks! 
_____I love all four letter words.....except STOP.... 
_____This lady asked me if I believe in reincarnation... Psst!, I don't even put cream in my coffee to begin with. 
_____I sneezed at my job earlier......... I then said Excuse me....I must be allergic to being good at my job. We all had a good laugh & went back to work...... 
_____What are you the wallfather? I will write whatever the hell I want! 
_____They say that watching fish has a calming effect but I been staring at this tuna casserole for like an hour and it has done nothing for my anxiety. 
_____What exactly is the geographical area where they laugh 'ahahah' instead of 'hahaha'? Do they chop off an 'a' or they add one? Or perhaps they read it backwards? These questions don't let me sleep.
_____My doctor told me you have 3 months left to live.  YAY! The governor told me that I was getting executed tomorrow!  In your FACE governor!!
_____Sometimes I forget that I'm not an actual king in reality......so that throat punch to the man in the liquor store for not bowing down to me was a bit probably over the edge

_____WooHoo! I just won $500 on a lottery ticket. I just knew buying 1000 tickets today was a good investment (funny lotto quote)

_____Whenever I'm questioning an important decision, I visit with my cardiologist. He always tells my heart is in the right place.

_____They say it is better to have loved than lost.....but if u ask me.........I'll tell u to fuck off and stop asking me questions!!!

_____Don't listen to what people say "Follow You Dreams"...unless you are a fat b!tch cos you won't be able catch up with it. (funny dream quote)

_____They say "misery loves company"...if that's true...where the fuck is my company?

_____I think tomorrow I will update my profile picture with a duck face picture of myself. :)

_____These tragic stories on the news would be alot easier to watch if the background music was the Benny Hill theme.

_____Your honor ,As far as I know, silence is consent.....and she didn't say ntn when I asked if she wanted to be locked up In my basement......................and I'm sure the duct tape over her mouth had nothing to do with it!!!!!

_____A pig with lipstick is still a pig. But for some reason, me with lipstick makes me the most popular guy in the entire prison.

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42 Funny Quotes

_____If your lover makes you an option in their life instead of a priority, it's time to consider other options. (funny love quote)
_____I would give more homeless people money but I'm always worried he'll just go blow it on sharpies and cardboard to make signs. 
_____ Redneck word.              Artichoke. Boy, that was a stupid thing to do I artichoke the living, mess outta you.
_____The UK government has suggested re-using bath water in the current "drought" which I've done but my cup of tea tastes terrible.
_____Who says I am no good at this parenting crap. My girlfriend was complaining that her son was still wetting the bed, the electric blanket should take care of that after he shocks himself a time or two.
_____Whoever came up with the advertising slogan of "Have a happy period!" should have a happy face drawn on their forehead. With bullet holes. 
_____my wife says i always embarrass her out in public  i don’t act weird or anything  its jus that i m hideously ugly!!
_____I don't mean to brag ladies, but I'm pretty much amazing in bed.....I can sleep for hours. _____I have a dream that one day, all women will be judged not by their beauty, but by their ability of sandwich making.
_____Can't give a compliment anymore.. all I said was "nice tits" to a coworker. If he's gonna get so offended, then he should button up his shirt.
_____am not gonna buy Samsung Galaxy SIII since its a bit thicker,slower and smaller than Galaxy S4. (funny samsung SIII quote)
_____It's not true that all I think about is myself. Sometimes I think about you thinking about me. _____My coworkers thought is was so nice that I wanted to sign Ms. Knowitall's going away card.  "Good Riddance B!tch" kinda snapped 'em back to reality. :) 
_____Sometimes when you turn over a new leaf, you may realize it's been lying on a huge pile of dog shit.
_____The only way I could ever love you more is if you were me. (funny love quote status) _____My foot's about to become a huge part of your a**'s life
_____I told an off color joke at work, and my coworker called me a racist.....I wonder how he knew that I love marathons and biking?
_____If u couldn't tell by how I talk, or how I walk I'll go ahead and wear v neck t-shirt 3 sizes to small just to tip you off.  - Gay Dudes
_____I donated a kidney last week... OK it wasn't mine but still 
_____I was bored while taking a shit so I grabbed this shampoo bottle.. but the damn security at the supermarket threw me out before finishing it
_____I sat behind two girls who were complaining about shy guys and how much work it is to deal with them. I would've said something, but.....Yeah!!!
_____Nothing beats getting paid to do nothing.  (awesome funny quote)
_____Wow, eating Lucky Charms out of your "bowl"... really is magically delicious! ;) _____Sure I think you have great legs but honestly baby those are the first things I get out of my way. 
_____I had to break up with my Chinese Girlfriend, I never get satisfied. Every time I went down on her, I was hungry 30 minutes later.
_____my boyfriend thinks i do everything in extremes.. Shall i agree for a lesbian threesome or burn down his house.. I dont know!! :-/
_____Kind of person I have turned myself into I don't expect no likes on my posts. Unicorns don't.
_____My girlfriend says that I never solve my own problems. How do I prove her wrong? _____when she said, "I can drink you under the table!" I thought she was offering me a Bl0wj0b and that's why my pants are down, Officer.
_____I went to a theme park yesterday... the theme was h0rny single mothers
_____I don't always practice safe texts but when I do, I'm usually on public transit.
_____I don't commute to work, I pilot a fighter jet and the cruise and volume controls on my steering wheel are missile launchers.
_____I really need to figure out what I wanna be when I grow up because I'm 100% certain this job ain't it.
_____I fuggin hate these two types of people in the world 1) People who find a way of putting animals into words that aren't actually there.....2) Hippocrites. 
_____I've just ordered the personal number plate 'BAA BAA'....I'm sure it will look cool on my Black Jeep. 
_____With the present economy, bread and water is the new steak and wine. (funny economy quote)
_____When life gives me lemons I put my foot up its a**!
_____My rabbit died today... now its just "Some bunny i used to know"
_____I wish there was a way to notify the cars behind me that it's really not me, it's the a**hole in front of me!
_____My passive aggressive way of telling my co-workers to stop eating my food is putting up "missing" posters around our workplace with a picture of my sandwich on it..
_____OKIE.. I've stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer.. And another Facebook Night begins!
_____I have this condition which prevents me from going on a diet . . . I get hungry
_____I'm running for president... Write me in
_____I was talking to a chick in the bar last night. She said, "If you dressed better, got a shave and a hair cut, you'd look hot."  I said, "If I did all that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."

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_____I tell my husband "your so handsome" He turns and tells me "you too" He so sweet. He didn't have to compliment me back, I already know I'm handsome.
_____Since arriving here on earth, I have come to the conclusion that since the beginning of time, no matter what the event was, a pair of b**bs were involved in some way.
_____Come on, come on, come here, come on... Sigh*... Come on, come on, come on, come here... Sigh* Come on, come on, come here, damn it come on, Sigh* Seriously? Will you come on!? Hurry up! Come on, come on, come here... Sigh* This is me every time I try to get my damn stupid dog to come back in the house!
_____My neighbor is very disappointed with her plastic surgeon but to be fair she did let him make all the decisions. Her mother taught her that it was impolite to pick her nose.
_____I am too nice to unfriend anyone. So I just post offensive stuff on their wall until they block me
_____LOOKS LIKE YOU HAVE A LITTLE FACE ON YOUR MAKE-UP THERE (funny make up quote)
_____My main goal in life is to find out what my main goal in life is. Er... that was easy (funny life quote)
_____I don't hate you..I'm in hate with you
_____For those who put their Text Massages as Facebook status.... "do you think only you are smart enough to have a Mobile Phone......??..,get a Mirror! and look how 'BIG A**' you are."
_____Roses are green, Violets are pink Rhymes are hard to find when you're colorblind.. :D
_____Roses are red, Violets are blue can I touch your butt cause I know you're gonna say you sure can do!!
_____Roses are red, Violets are blue you are so bad and i'm gonna kill you..
_____Roses are red, violets are blue... I'll kill myself and put the blame on you.
_____Hey, I haven't seen you in years...*walks away* OMG! THEY'VE GOTTEN HOT!!
_____This goes out to all the chicks out here.. I can be your facebook stalker! I can click away the pain, I'll be on your wall forever.. You can't take my mouse away.. ♥
_____Confession: I'm nt really a good speller I just type something kinda close to what I want to say and let my phone correct it (funny confession)
_____When faced with a difficult task...always find a lazy person, because they will find the easiest way to accomplish it.
_____And never start a sentence with a conjunction because that's bad grammar! (funny grammar quote)
_____Women and logic are three different thing.
_____My neighbor thinks I have been watching her. I have no idea what she stalking about
_____Migraines don't happen by themselves. They're usually coupled with obnoxious people. And having a job. (funny job quote)
_____If you won't judge me because I am single, I promise not to judge you because you've settled:)
_____Sometimes I keep Facebook open in two browsers to remind myself I'm worthless
_____My Doctor this morning:"Ever have thoughts of hurting yourself?" Me:"Nope." Doc:"Any idea why not?"
_____It's really kinda strange how my phone drops calls whenever someone calls to ask me a favor
_____Even the f**k that I don't give doesn't give a sh*t, which in turn doesn't give a f**k of its own. Questions?
_____When she said she was blowing bubbles, I had no clue that was the name of her lover. :'(
_____Whenever one of my post doesn't get any likes it makes me think you people are being judgemental
_____The temp job agency said that they found a perfect job for me! Where I could f**k strangers all day for money. I love being a gas station manager! (funny gas station quote)
_____That awkward moment where we're walking toward one another and I go left and you go right then I go right and you go left and then we laugh and I kick you in the groin and continue on my way
_____it's difficult to say what my wife does..she sells sea shells by the sea shore
_____I thought and thought and thought and thought, but I couldn't remember the past tense of "Think".
_____I think I need smarter friends. One of them asked me the other day which was closer to South Florida - Philadelphia or the moon. I said: “Duhhhh, can you SEE Philadelphia from here?!?” Idiot.
_____People who are perpetually positive, have obviously never been in a real relationship
_____Haven't even gone on a date yet and just got a text that said "Love You".. so yeah, we are so over
_____Well I'm just sitting here wishing I had something better to do than sitting here wishing
_____''OMG, your so pretty!'' -No! I'm not. (-_-) Listen b*tch, STFU & accept the compliment!
_____I'm sexy and I know it...just don't know why nobody else knows it.
_____Dear Creative team of Facebook, take a vacation. Not because I think you deserve it, but because even though it was Your Boss who approved the Timeline.. It was your a** that brought it to him. So for that, enjoy yourselves and I hope you get lost! Sincerely, not a fan.
_____Instead of a like button I wish there was a push button so I could push you right off the wall.

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31 Funny Quotes

_____ Taking an extended break from Facebook. Be back in 15 minutes  (Facebook addiction quote)
_____ I'm not a fan. Or a heater, or any other appliance, but DEFINITELY not a fan
_____ I'm sorry, but the amount of alcohol I would have to consume in order to find you remotely attractive would actually kill me so
_____ I try to "poke" you gently but, my mouse is dirty so I have to slam it!
_____ There is about 1/8 of an inch difference between a friendly smile and a really, really creepy smile (funny smile quote)
_____ The only reason I friended you was to get the extra likes on my statuses. Now, do your job or get replaced
_____ Q: What's the difference between an idiot and a wizard? 
A: You're not a wizard (idiot wizard status joke)
_____ Girls, if your boyfriend is more excited about valentine than you, he probably has a boyfriend (funny boyfriend quote)
_____ I was going to work.......but then someone commented on my status!!
_____ I'm like an Italian cruise ship captain in bed. Always the first to get off.. (funny Italian Cruise Ship Captain quote)
_____ If you have no sense of humor and youre just going to report ppl all the time then b***h you should get the f**k out like a tittie on a drunk 18yr old at mardi gras!
_____ This timeline thing is a killer! What's with the tiny pic in the corner of a gargantuan pic? I'm not stalking your profile to see what a sunset or mountain range looks like!
_____ I'm so good...even my mistakes are perfect!
_____ If I rub up against your post, do you think you can make it better?
_____ If you're going to come in my office at night at least have the decency to slam the door so I can wake up and pretend i'm working
_____ They fed me hope, but I vomitted up lies.
_____ You know its a good status when you have more "likes" than minutes its been posted
_____ I saw two of my exes talking… It’s a cuntspiracy
_____ My wife seems to think she's the boss of me but once I've done the pots, washing, vacuuming, ironing and made coffee..... I'll show her who's boss.
_____ Sometimes you've got it, and sometimes you're like me.
_____ The first line of this status was not mine originally.
But this line is! :D
_____ Privacy is very important to me. That is why I only share sensitive information with my closest 800 friends on Facebook
_____ I prefer men with very little self esteem...they are always much more grateful.
_____ If I were flying a commercial jet due south against a head wind at 80,000 feet on a Wednesday at 7:15 pm with 212 passengers on board then what in the heck were the pilots thinking
_____ I just want you all to know that when I read your posts, I read them in the celebrities voice you most remind me of
_____ I put the ‘toast’ in ‘toaster’. Then I take the ‘toast’ out of the ‘toaster’
_____ the best part about the day.. Giving hi-fy to urself looking in mirror.. Yay
_____ If u fall off a horse dust yourself off and get a car
_____ Waiting for my soul mate to suddenly show up into my life and start spanking me.
_____ if you're a quitter go to twitter (funny twitter quote)
_____ Well life just kicked me in the balls again...guess I'll stop dreaming about being president like they told me in grade school.
_____ She said ''In Love No Thank You and No Sorry''..so I punched her in the kidney...and then on the face.


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____To stay as my kids leading role model, I changed the covers of their "Superheros" comic books, to pics of ME with the title of, "below average and happy"
_____Life's all about knowing how long to wait before liking someone's new status so they don't find out that you're stalking them. (funny life  
quote)
_____I have way better statuses then all of you here... I'm just too selfish to share any of them with you (funny facebook status)
_____None of your statuses are original..they are just statuses I haven’t thought of yet (funny status)
_____I can't understand why some people take "I hope you die a horrible and painful death, you fat, ugly twat" so personally (hilarious quote)
_____They say my dear that "absence make the heart grow fonder"........so what I am trying to say is.....get the f**k away from me (funny quote)
_____My phone keeps saying "out of service area" when in my lap. It's starting to sound a LOT like my ex-girlfriend
_____Oh I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was too busy imagining you sitting on my face
_____I wish I had tits so people would at least act like they give a shit about what I say.
_____I'm going to sit here and wink at you. It's going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story
_____I don't like to send friend requests to anyone unless we have 30 or more friends in common, so if you still receive a request from me, you've got tits
_____I just couldn't wait to get here for thanksgiving so I can hear what everyone will say about why they're thankful for me (funny thanksgiving quote)
_____asked the gf what she wants for her bday, she said "Something that comes from the heart"...I dont think Blood is a proper bday present though
_____always thought patience comes with age

went to a hospital and realised patients comes with age
_____ It’s so cold I can’t even feel my penis…. Oh sorry dude I thought that was mine (funny cold quote)
_____ I am optimist.. you guys are half full of shit (funny optimist quote)
_____ It’s not easy being that humble when you have no flaws
_____ If I could just make one thing very clear at this point..................................... I would.
_____ ‎98% of all problems can be fixed with the common household hammer
_____ I can't believe I just spent 15 seconds of my life writing this useless status. Worse yet is the fact that I spend hours reading YOURS
_____ Sometimes when I’m having dinner I fantasize about other dinners
_____ Seriously I’ve been on facebook for quite a time and I’ve seen everything at least twice..even this status (funny status)
_____ My therapist told me that I have an ego problem…. oh yeah she wants me
_____ I'm not a hypocrite, I just want to punch people in the face so they don't make the same mistakes that I did
_____ I have huge balls - A bowler. (funny cricket quote)

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_____There's no feeling better that this warm air coming from your laptop on your crotch in this freaking cold weather. (funny winter quote)
_____I type my statuses slowly, so that some of you can understand them. (funny Facebook status)
_____I just read that prostate exams are only necessary if you’re over 40… my doctor has some good explaining to do (funny status ,joke)
_____If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar. (funny bar quote)
_____There's nothing that feels more like a slap in a face than someone swinging their open palm right into your cheek. (funny status quote)
_____‎"With" implies the feeling is mutual so 'technically' you're only in love AT me. (funny love quote)
_____My doctor asked me if i have a drinking problem. I said no. He laughed and said 'No, seriously.' (funny status joke)
_____You’re not the boss of me ~ me to my boss right after he fired me. (funny boss quote)
_____When someone asks you where the boss' room is, laugh hysterically then suddenly get back to whatever you were doing. Just to make things interesting. (funny boss status joke)
_____Today I am going out and making the world a brighter place. . . I'm going to throw lamps at people and tell them to "Lighten the F**k Up!! (top funny status quote)
_____Well i had a funny and witty status for the day but due to my terrible attention span i forgo - O SQUIRREL! , i wonder if i can catch him. (best funny status)
_____The worst part about being ME...?? well.. there is none.. i am AWESOME! (awesome status quote)
_____It's not that I hate you, but let's just say, if you were on fire and I had water in my mouth, I'd gulp it down. Unless I'd been drinking petrol. Then I'd just spit on you. (funny hate quote, joke)
_____‎"I can attribute quotes to anybody on here and nobody can prove that person didn't say it!" (funny status quote)
_____If a chick tells you she's "not like all the other girls"....she just proved she's exactly like all the other girls. (funny chick status quote)
_____The better my status, the more Facebook friends I lose. (funny Facebook status)

_____Unless you are alone, don’t ever laugh in the bathroom, it will make people think ur playing with yourself. (funny status quote)
_____I can't make you love me but I can get drunk and beat off to your voice mails. (funny voice mail  quote)
_____I liked you status and now 100 comments later, I hate you! (funny status quote)
_____I LOVE Justin Bieber. ~ People in my block list (funny bieber status)
_____I like my women like I like my windows 98... Always going down on me (top funny quote)
_____I always pull over to help a good looking girl with car troubles. I don't know anything about cars but I know how pornos start. (best witty status quote)
_____I am so broke...if it took .25 cents to get around the world...I could not get around the block! (best funny quote)
_____MARK MY WORDS!!!!!!! - me to my highlighter :) (top funny quote, short joke)
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