60 Funny Quotes

_____ It took me exactly a day to realize.. i don't give a flying f*ck if i offend anyone.. unless i really like them..  (sarcastic quote)

______ Got my unicorn wasted last night and watched it puke rainbows... It was so disgustingly pretty! (funny unicorn quote)

______ Ok, let’s play a game. You ask me anything and I shoot you. (hilarious quote)

_____ Many people come to me and say How does it feel to be so f**king awesome?.. and by many people I mean me. :) (funny inspirational quote)

______ i had forgoten my cell phone at home.. The doctor diagnosed the symptoms as severe panic attack.. (funny cell quote)

______ My midget friend and I went out to dinner and he didn’t have enough to pay his half. I kept trying to make him say he was a little short but he just got mad (funny quote about midgets)

______ There's this one thing that I can do with my tongue, that drives women crazy.  I never stop TALKING. (Famous funny quote)

______Laughter is the best medicine but slaughter works faster (great funny quote)

______My favorite song is Giving The Dog A Bone by AC/DC. It is what I listen to when I bang your mom (yomama jokes)

______Wow this cash that someone put in the mail sure looks like mine. (funny quote about mails)

______I need a midget to help me add up these checks. Because they say "its the little things that count". (funny quotes about midget)

______Well just to let you know, I think women are hilarious. (This is how you get laid guys) (funny inspirational quote)

______I want to leave my mark on the world one bruise at a time. (funny moving quote)

______You know you are bored when you try to see a rainbow in your pee arc. (witty quote)

______I'm not gonna lie, I probably love my pillow more than most of the people I know.  (funny quotes about love)

______In case anyone was wondering...the vodka appears to be working fine this morning....which also means I am not. (funny quotes about vodka)

______I went to the used car lot today... and am now the proud owner of a huge inflatable giant f*cking gorilla! :) (funny quote about life)

______I love all you guys/gals equal.....but some of you definitely way more than others.......and some of you not at all..... (funny love quote)

______They probably call it 'making fun of people' because it actually really is a lot of fun.

______My hair is dirty ... My mind must be leaking. (dirty minded quotes)

______Feeling a little gasy today. Anyone wanna hang out? (funny hangout quotes)

_____My memory is so bad; that if you borrow my status, I will steal it from you, and ty for it ten minutes later.  (funny quote about bad memory)

______I've never seen a buffalo fly... but these wings are delicious! :)

______I'm not a team player.. everyone else can pretty much go f**k themselves. :) (sarcastic quote)

______When I'm in the shower, rinsing off my hair dye I sometimes act out scenes from a low budget slasher movie.... (funny shower quotes)

______My marriage is failing....... I'm a complete mess and I'm not even married ;-) (funny quotes about marriage)

______After all of these years of hardwork and dedication I am finally one of the guys!!!! .............. That f**ked your mom.  (yomama status)

______I always deliver profanity eloquently and using correct pronunciation, because I'm f**king sophisticated.  (funniest quote cheesy grammar)

______The posts those dont get any likes are like abandoned kids. They need some love.

______I only eat the shafts of my asparagus. 

______I don't get it. The police just came and said they had a report of domestic violins. That's just stupid....everybody knows I prefer brass instruments. (hilarious happening)

______You know you took a massive sh!t if you felt obligated to give it a name. (sarcastic quote)

______Just when I thought life couldn't get any worse...you came along. (funny quote about love)

______I call bullsh!t! When you love someone you love all of them, not just parts. F**k that.. I only love certain parts of some people.  (hilarious love quote)

______Every time I drink I get a headache. Every time my wife drinks I get head.Works for me

______If you've never written "Hammer Time" under the "STOP" on a stop sign, you probably haven't been arrested as often as me. 

(great funny quote,funny status)

______Loving you is like getting into heaven. I probably could, but God knows I won't. (famous funny quote about love)

______i always wonder how it feels like to date someone super awesome.. Hmm.. I should totally ask this to my ex-es.. They know better about me ;) (Awesome funniest quote ever)

______I can't wait to go to work!! Seriously... If I wait any longer, I'll probably be late. (funny quote about work)

______I just tripped over a huge crack on the sidewalk. I didn’t know your mom was homeless (funny quote about your mom)

______I'd just like to take a moment & apologize for my hotness causing all this global warming. (Funny Facebook status idea)

______I carry a baseball bat around and tap stupid people on the forehead with it. It is my dislike button. (funniest status ever)

______I'd like to carry a gun, but I don't because I'm sure I'd use it. Like every day. (sarcastic status)

______This pool party sucks. I was standing next to Mr T and the water got really warm. When I asked him he said I peed the pool (funny quote about Mr T)

______I feel like my decisions lately haven't been "hit or miss", they've been more like "miss or miss terribly"

______I met a girl at the bar last night and I tried to give her my digits but her panties kept getting in the way (funniest quote status about stalking)

______If you're ever in my room, lying on the bed, looking up at the ceiling and you listen closely... you can hear me down the hall calling the cops to report an intruder. (funny inspiring status)

______Apparently, every cigarette you smoke takes eight minutes off your life. In a couple more weeks, I should be back in my dad's ball-sack.  (Awesome funny quote about smoking)

______Healthy is just the slowest rate at which you can die... (famous funny quote)

______I just got a second opinion... and I was right, your an a**hole. (the punchline)

______My strongest critics claim I've accomplished nothing in my life. Huh. I'd like to see them organise a 39-year-long drunken orgy. (funny quote about critics)

______As I get older I am having trouble with premature ejaculation and loose stools ... Easy come; easy go.  (hilarious facebook ideas)

______According to my news feed... you make going outside these days seem scary as f*ck! (the punchline quotes)

______My wife said, You’re really slow in bed...if ya know what I mean. Turns out she means Im a f*cking retard. (funny quotes about wife)

______The other day my girlfriend said she can do anything twice as well as me....so I donated one of my kidney (funny status about girlfriend)

______No, no I am not a doctor, but I play one on one of my facebook accounts. (funny quotes about doctor)

______If you weren't so damn selfish with the share button... we would find each other a lot faster. (the best funny pickup line)

______I lost my job because of this bad memory...actually I'm still employed...I just can't remember where. (funny quote about bad memory)

______Aww....a cute nurse said I have a beautiful smile.....making wedding plans as I post this status  (funny cutest status ever)

______I guess the easiest way to sympathize with an arson victim is NOT to ask them to burn you a CD. (funny quotes about arson victim)

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39 Funny Quotes
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57 Funny Quotes

_____"THIS IS THE POLICE, OPEN THE DOOR"...not with that attitude I won't (funny cops quote)

_____A friend of my was recently hacked...It was sad seeing her head roll down the street. (hacking quote status)

_____Sometimes you guys don't know when my posts are funny, but that's ok. (stupid quote)

_____I've been sober for 136 days now.. not in a row but still  (funny sober quote)

_____Is thinking, I need to check the sights on my gun because every time I shoot a bullet, I miss it (funny inspirational quote)

_____Saw my neighbor's been struggling with a mole problem in his yard... So I decided to help him out and burned his house down! (famous funny inspirational quote)

_____Damnit woman... don't touch me there, you're not my uncle.

_____i have slept around alot.. specially due to my huge stuff toy collection (awesome funny quote)

_____i so want to smack someones' face on the desk.. coz i am tied smacking my own.. ~ mood on Mondays' (funny quote about monday)

_____I'm sorry... You lost me after 420 characters. (420 quote)

_____When I have an erection that last more than 4 hours I call your mom (funny yo mama quote)

_____Trying to go to sleep but I cant...your mom keeps snoring too loud! :/ (your mom quote)

_____Based on the size of the guys on Pawn Stars I bet I can get a lot for this cheeseburger

_____You should be honored. If your mom wasnt so hot I wouldnt be bragging about it

_____task for the day - let monday screw me left; right & centre.. (funny quote about monday)

_____I don't always drink beer but when I do I get more f++ked up than the economy (funny quote about beer and economy)

_____An eye for an eye would be cool... if I was a f*cking pirate or at least looked good with an eye patch!

_____The end to a great weekend came faster than your mom last night  (funny yo mama quotes)

_____I don't have a steady girlfriend........Probably because she has Parkinson's (funny quotes about Parkinson)

_____I'd like to dedicate this status to all the statusless people out there....you know who you are.Hang in there...We're all here for you. (famous funny status)

_____Whats the difference between anything and your mom? I am not doing anything right now (great funny insulting quote)

_____When I'm in a really long line I notice all the super skinny people and I start to feel fat. But as the line gets shorter, I lose wait

_____I want uncertainty and I want it now!!! or maybe later, I'm not sure. :( (uncertain quote)

_____i wish everyone would have been all acceptable to the idea of me ruling the world as much as i am. (funny ideas quote)

_____Whoa! Just because I stalk you... doesn't give you the right to talk to me! (funny quote about stalking)

_____Me and my girlfriend decided to commit suicide together...and guess what...once she'd killed herself....things suddenly looked a lot more positive at my end. (great funny quote status)

_____i would have come up with a few good posts, but i am busy dragging myself through this bloody Tuesday (funny quotes about tuesday)

_____If my neighbors don't stop yelling I am going to put my clothes back on and get off the roof (Awesome funny quote)

_____Never trust anybody that won't lie for you. (great famous quote)

_____Just belched and smoke came out... So yeah, my super power is a dragon.

_____Just to let you know, I'm gonna be bending over soon if you keep giving me 'that' look....

_____I dnt know how people get addicted to wrong things.......I've been doing  it everyday since I was a boy and I'm not addicted (Awesome funny quote)

_____I got fired from my job as an announcer at train station....All I said was "If anyone has lost a small kid, he has been found on platform no 1, 2 and 3."  (short funny joke)

_____I stole this status... So feel free to use it and amaze your friends... They'll think you're really smart and sh*t!  (funny status post)

_____You wont believe, I just saw a butterfly with a whore's tattoo on her back...above her a** crack. 

_____Going to be a great day...made it out of the shower without drowning.  (famous funny quote)

_____‎i don't like the way matter looks at me.. I think it's jealous of my relationship with alcohol.. (Great funny quote)

_____Spooning leads to forking. Incompetent forking has been known to lead to knifing. Errr....Stay out of my cutlery drawer if you know what's good for you.

_____I make my own sammich and masturbate because if you want something done right you have to do it yourself 

_____You know when your old when an etch-a-sketch is easier to use than an Ipad. (the punchline)

_____Was getting ready to have my review at work today... I just wrote THEM a check and said "See ya tomorrow!" :)  (best funny quote status)

_____If I ever get rich, I will start a fortune cookie company and I will hire some of you to write messages for my fortune cookie company

_____There is a fast food place called ChikFillet. Well I am opening one called ChickFiller. Its in my pants and its all you can eat (the oneliner punch)

_____In case no one has noticed I am about 69 degrees beyond crazy  (Famous funny quote)

_____I googled the word sexy and it said see mirror for details (great funny quote)

_____If I owned a store and had to close it due to the bad economy I would have a Thanks For None Of Your Business sale and tell everyone to f**k off when they came in (short joke)

_____Sometimes I'm an as*hole but thats just my opinion (funny opinion)

_____OMG! This womans camel toe is so big it looks like someone hit her with a machete (funny camel toe quote)

_____When you are sad just sit on a happy face. You will be smiling in no time (funny inspirational status

_____I just saw a really hot chick walking down the street so I gave her a bottled water and told her to stand in the shade for a while (short joke)

_____I worked at Burger King for one day and quit. I kept the uniform though. Now I get free soda for life (funny burger king quote status)

_____Rigged my sprinkler to my doorbell and have two of them aimed at my front door. Cant wait for a Jehovahs witness to stop by (funny quote about Jovah's Witness)

_____Uno, dos, tres and quatrro are the only words I understand in a Pitbull song (funny quote about pitbull)

______I hate when I hold the door open for a woman and she still wont get in the back of my van (i hate quotes)

______I put flour and yeast in my yard yesterday so I will be raking in the dough today

_____Lets play farmer. You choke my chicken and I will check you for eggs (famous funny quote)

_____Never beat around the bush with a woman. If you are that close just stick it in (great famous funny quote)

_____I tried to get some road head but she kept saying it was just a test drive and against company policy


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56 Funny Quotes

_____I don't mean to brag or anything, but.. I'm known around the office as Cuntalicious. :) (famous funny quote)

_____My ex-girlfriend was deaf....she left me for a deaf friend of her's...To be honest, I should have paid attention to those signs. (funny deaf quote status)

_____Some people have trust issues....not me, I figure why limit it to just trust, I prefer to just have issues in general (funny trust quote)

_____Women love to drop their laundry around me... which is starting to make these family get togethers awkward  (funny awkward moment quote status)

_____I hate it when I think of something funny while in the shower and I run out to the living room to save it on the laptop and my neighbor starts yelling and screaming "what the hell are you doing here?" (short funny joke)

_____My love for aliens is beyond this planet.  (famous funny love quote)

_____The only time a woman asks me a question I care about, is when she's my waitress and is asking me about what I want to eat.  (funny women quotes)

_____How rude of FB , to notify the whole world it's my birthday except me?!  (funny Facebook birthday quote)

_____i sent a "in-relationship" request but my vibrator declined (funny relationship quote for Facebook)

_____Ladies.. please stop neglecting your elbows! Put some lotion on those before they look like dried up pencil erasers 

_____i wish i was an ugly girl.. i would have had more subjects to make posts about.. like not getting laid.   (funny getting laid quote status)

_____I reviewed the statistics, crunched some numbers and calculated the risk and discovered that the chances of me get ran over while sitting on my couch are far less than they are when I a jogging. I must be lazy for my wellbeing.....  (great funny quote status)

_____I drink 2 beers at a time so I can toast myself. (funny beer quote)

_____Your body is a temple.. and I'm feelin' religious. :)  (famous funny quote)

_____I was in the V.I.P. booth at the club and the last time I had that many women rubbing my thigh was at the family reunion  (hilarious quote status)

_____We used to be friends on facebook, but that was before I banged your dad.  (funny dad quote)

_____I like my womens underwear like how I like the sun.......hot, looks better going down and disappears at night   (funny women quote)

_____This weekend I hope I am as wasted as my time spent on Facebook

_____If we are just subscribe and "Like" each others statuses but aren't friends... are we having a secret Facebook affair?  (funny affair quote)

_____Weird how an attractive face is criteria by which one decides whether to lick the area that someone pees from.  (great funny famous quote)

_____I went down on an Indian chick once and my breath still smells like curry

_____Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons....they don't have a wife to go home to or they have a wife to go home too (funny wife quote)

_____I met a girl at a bar and after a few drinks her pants dropped faster than Facebooks stock value  (funny quote about Facebook stock value)

_____Today I held the elevator door for a retard.. Oops sorry maybe i shouldn't say this word.. I meant the 'lift'  (funny retard quote)

_____The sun's out and girls are wearing skirts today. The probability of me getting laid still hasn't changed though!  (funny getting laid quote)

_____Hey dumb  Not every thing I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb  (famous funny quote, the punchline)

_____When you finish reading this you will have read what I wrote when I was writing this  (dumb quote)

_____I asked a homeless guy where he was from. He said, "I'm originally from just outside

_____Do you know what goes great with having dinner on the floor... a straw to suck up the vodka you spilled next to it!

_____Well, I balanced my check book.....on the edge of the table for 3 seconds before it fell

_____I just found a $100 bill that I forgot I had. Its from the electric company and if I dont pay it tomorrow they will shut my lights off

_____I took a free test today to see how smart I am and it only cost me $5  (stupid quote)

_____Some jacka** just tripped and fell on his face. I was laughing pretty hard until I noticed I was bleeding.  (dumb quote)

_____I am either having an off day or a bunch of my friends forgot how to read  (awesome funny quote status)

_____‎"Not tonight, honey. I've got cephalgia." - Why I don't date doctors.  (funny quote about cephalgia)

_____I almost got into a car accident,because I was reading a sign that told me to keep my eyes on the road...  (awesome creepy quote status)

_____You know the reason why Adele is still at the top of the chart....lol...because no one can move her.  (funny quote about Adele )

_____behind every successful man is that word successful.  (famous quote)

_____No silly im not a whore i just look that way on facebook. Giggles  (funny Facebook status)

_____You know I'm not supposed to be talking or texting while you are driving me crazy!

_____I hate how I have to hold a fart in until my guests have to go to the bathroom....

_____Drinking is great for my health. It takes me three times longer to walk home from the bar (great hilarious quote status)

_____People at work don't like me because apparently they think I'm conceited....I doubt that's the reason tho..........its probably cuz I'm too awesome  (conceited quote)

_____There are few things in this world that can't be solved with a swift kick to the head. (creepy quote)

_____Be careful when getting set up on blind dates. Dimples and a personality is code for a 60 inch waist and schizophrenic. (be careful quote)

_____Frosty beverages, in twelve packs I buy thee, when the time is right, usually at night, I pledge to consume thee

_____Every time I see a sad, bitter, lonely old lady I want to hug her and ask "you know cats exist, right?"

_____When a guy says ”no homo” it usually is homo (funny homo quote)

_____All I want is some peace & quiet around here... you give me a piece & then I'll be quiet. :p  (awesome funny quote status)

_____I just stole a smart car... you should see all these bicycle cops behind me!

_____I am having the best f**king day; I called my Mother-in-law a b!tch and now my wife is giving me the silent treatment ... twice blessed.  (short funny joke, the punch line)

_____Sometimes I get distracted by Facebook. My wife just texted me asking what I want to eat for dinner. My response.... your mom. I am afraid to answer my phone (one liner joke)

_____I just ate salmon and now my breath smells like cat food.  In related news.. I'm still single.

_____So last year 700,212 got killed by passive smoking....personally I think that it served them good for not buying their own  cigarettes (funny statics quote)

_____Last night they threw me out of the hospital....They shouldn't have those signs which says 'Stroke patients here' (funny patient quote)

_____You think my posts suck, you should see my ransom note... just ask this elephant in my basement! (LOL quotes)

_____Before you make a wish on a star make sure its not a police helicopter


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55 Funny Quotes

_____My wife says she's leaving me because I'm too obsessed with no punchline jokes (the punchline)

_____Funny how that girl had a sign that said Will work for food but she didnt want to give me a job (humor quote)

_____Since learning that an injury is forgotten much sooner than an insult, I always make sure to compliment people before I rip their spleens out. (insult quotes)

_____I can never spell 'basterd' correctly. I think I'm illiteregitimate. (bastard quote)

_____ Dear important website I always visit, please shove that premium membership button up you’re a** (website quote)

_____ Women hate football because those guys get pounded when they have THEIR pads on (funny football quotes)

_____ Friend: Dude you were so stoned last night Me: Ah! That explains all the bruises on my face  (cute quote status)

_____Ladies, if you can't beat them, go to the gym. (lady Quotes)

_____My wife told me to stop playing with myself, but with a schlong like mine, it's more work than play. (wife quotes)

_____Lady, if you really meant it, your 'I'm sorry' would be as loud as your sneeze. (lady quotes)

_____I have something in my pants that drives women crazy. Too bad its a Rubiks Cube (rubiks cube quote)

_____Don't just have a good day.. be the one that makes the good day. That.. and weed. :) (funny weed quote)

_____I got a job advertising clothing made of chocolate and caramel. I always wanted to be a Rolo model

_____When I see how bad some men are at hiding the fact that they are checking out some hot young thing walking by, it makes me wonder if I am a lot more obvious than I think I am. (hot quotes)

_____If you dont want people to talk down to you all the time maybe you should spend less time on your knees (cute hilarious quote status)

_____How can you say I am concieted when clearly I am just STANDING here being awesome? (Awesome quote)

_____I am so glad you never put your money where your mouth is because I would get paper cuts on my ****  (funny money quote)

_____My wife asked me over and over and over to go to the store to get her some tampons. I got tired of hearing it so I told her to put a sock in it (humorous quote status, short joke)

_____When a guy asks what you do for a living he’ll probably walk away when you answer, "Your mom." But the look on his face is totally worth it. (jokes about yo momma)

_____Best advice when you're angry is to calm down, take a deep breath and walk away...far enough to safely detonate the explosives. (advice quotes)

_____Now how can I say this and still be discreet? Your face is so scary it made my bowels release (funny face quotes)

_____"I'm in rare form today!!!" - Steak....I'm sorry that you have to read that.....

_____‎I was trying to figure out how this girl could have so many friends on FB then I realized its because she eats more nuts than a squirrel (funny quote about Facebook)

_____I don't mind writing on my friends' Facebook walls for their birthdays; it's the least I can do. Literally... The least I can do. (funny birthday quotes)

_____When I go out to eat I put a tampon in my pocket. If my waitress acts like a c**t guess what her tip is? (great funny quote status)

_____You know if I had a penny for every time I have hit my ex-girlfriend. I could buy a hockey stick and hit that b!t*h real harder. (quotes on ex girlfriend)

_____I bought myself a wonderful picture today..............it was really a mirror but when I'm standing in front of it...there is such a lovely view (happy quote)

_____My new secretary really sucks. It's her only good quality. (secretary quotes)

_____I hate when I am trying to eat something and it farts (fart quotes)

_____Whenever I make my own sandwich I leave myself a tip. Like - GET SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT NEXT TIME! (funny sandwich quote)

_____Whenever I find a pubic hair in a library book I think “Oh, I've already read this one.”

 funny picture quote

_____They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks but your mom sure learned a lot last night

_____I've saved a lot of time by faking headaches instead of orgasms.

_____It's probably for the best that I don't design airports. First thing I'd do would be replace all the moving sidewalks with slip n' slides.

_____I hate it when women just walk straight past me and waste a perfectly good erection. (famous funny quote)

_____I'm sorry, but until people figure out how to hibernate, I'm going to have to declare that bears are smarter.

_____Love may begin with butterflies in my stomach, but I'm always hoping it ends with my semen in yours (funny love quote)

_____In an effort to improve productivity. Send all emails to the trash bin.

_____Women are like smiles. If you see one on my face there's a good chance that I am happy (funny woman quotes)

_____I was writing some poetry when I realize that Barack Obama rhymes with I banged your mama (funny Obama quote)

_____If you are reading this it is because I only block people who are funnier than me

_____When a woman says her CREATIVE juices are flowing, does that mean she is on her period?

_____I don't like eating my greens. I prefer smoking them

_____asking me to stop being a smart a** is like asking you to start being smart...just not happening. (smart quotes)

_____Saving my sarcasm and just punching people in the throat...not alot though. ... just a lil. (sarcastic quotes)

_____So I blocked my toilet...and now I really regret that why the fugg I added it on my messenger list in the first place.

_____I have friends who don't want kids. But they already have them.

_____Shaking your children is wrong. Here, shake mine instead.

_____Tell me how much you hurt so I can have something to smile about later.

_____Facebook shares are falling on the stockmarket because shareholders found out that on the website: shares, likes, and pokes are free.  (funny Facebook stock quote)

_____I just learned the hard way that Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don't mix...

_____Just want to give a big shout out to all the people giving shout outs to other people.

_____Why does Facebook think I care what music my friends are listening to on Spotify (funny Facebook status)

_____Based on my recent activity I think pushing people away is my favorite form of cardio (cardiac quote)

_____my wife asked for a smart phone like blackberry or iphone so I gave her a black-i (iPhone quote)

_____My buddy just told me that I jump every time my girlfriend says jump. That's just stupid, I'm white and everyone knows white men can't jump.

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45 Funny Quotes

______If you wake me up while I'm sleeping, I'll lay you out like a carpet

______I hate when its this late at night and I'm sitting on the couch having a cold beer and people come in the room start questioning me like......who the f**k are u and how did u get in my house

______FINALLY figured out why you won't go out with ME....  YOU, couldn't handle me, if I came, with INSTRUCTIONS!

______When I sent out that friend request your Timeline asked me "do I know you" my answer to that is I want to. (funny timeline quote status)

______The worst part about banging a fat chick is when your dad comes home early

______Just accidentally walked into a womens restroom but I apologized to all the women inside, one by one, so everything's ok.

______Dear people who underestimate me just because I'm completely useless, totally crap, and an absolute failure at everything I've ever attempted... er... um... carry on.

_____Someone texted me Hi the other day...I finally texted them back "high" today.

_____I will be tied up having a life this evening :(  I will miss you.

_____Half a joint ago, I had a really good status in my head..and now I have no idea what it was.

_____The weekend is here but remember Monday comes faster than a nerd during a lap dance (funny monday quote)

_____Hope for the best, prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse.... 

_____I bet Helen Keller would do well in a blind taste test (funny Helen Keller quote)

_____my doctor recommended me to try a drink called water.. Any idea wtf is that, i forgot!!?? :-?

_____What is really sad? When the only thing smart about some people is either their mouth or their phone!

_____Being in a relationship depends on one basic question.... Do you wanna be happy or right? (funny relationship quote)

_____If beauty wasn't as important Disney would have instead made "sleeping great personality" and "great personality and the beast" (funny Disney quotes)

_____ People who make food puns donut make me laugh

_____I saw my friend's name on a milk carton the other day. It isn't easy being named Skim.

_____I want to use instagram but I really shouldn't do drugs, besides I have a runny nose.

_____I just want to thank everyone who still understands a post with a typo. You guys are real class acts... and for those of you who point them out... Flunk you!

_____I don't believe in the statement same ol' shit, different day. My shit is different everyday; different shape, different color, whoever came up with that statement did not know shit.

_____Why do people who wear a TAPOUT Tshirt get mad when I put them in a choke hold?

_____I'm a very impatient doctor. I always run out of patience whenever a patient of mine dies

_____If you Google the word tardy you won't see a picture of me. I was late to the photo shoot.

_____Nobody likes me, nobody wants to be my friend, nobody wants me around...all I want is a little acceptance. ~Pain maybe.

_____Once my teacher told me You are such a loser and you will get nowhere in life if you can only count to ten!....you shouldve seen his face today when I told him that Im a boxing referee now.

_____There's a woman where I work that wears too much makeup, has big shoes and tries to be funny. I'm pretty sure she has Clowns Syndrome? (funny Clown quote)

_____I know a lot about a woman from the way she walks...like If she walks away she's definitely not into me

_____I think people who wait until halfway into their turn to put the turn signal on should not overreact when I pass them and slam on the brakes

_____I was going to post a picture of what I ate last night but Facebook doesn't allow nudity

_____If "b!tch" was a profession, I would know a lot of successful people.........

_____i prefer "high" as an important concept in all my relationships.. one night stands is a relationship too..!

_____I like my women how I like my toilet, able to take a lot of sh!t from me.

_____Complete and finished are very similar.. If you connect with the right person you're complete, the wrong one and you're finished!

_____I was looking at a crucifix and I remembered, I need to do something about this hangnail

_____So now your dying of cancer huh, well I don't think being a stupid asshole is exactly "cancer" but we don't argue semantics.

_____The only thing that's hot when I pleasure myself in the shower is the water.

_____yesterday was Cinco de Mayo.For many people today is Toileto de Puko

_____Dear Youtube, I let your videos load 100%, then I make it full screen and it starts over, WTF!! (WTF quote status)

_____So this is what being single feels like? Damn I miss this shit!! WoOoHoOo

_____Well, it took me a few hours, but I eventually found a woman in the club who would give me head for a Klondike Bar.

_____After being on Facebook for hours, I will find myself wanting to click like on things I encounter in the real world ... Mostly cleavage

_____Yes I've lost weight......if you find it I don't want that sh!t back.

_____It took my Asian girlfriend the entire song to figure out how to back that thang up.

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43 Funny Quotes

_____I don't get why my friend keeps talking about his "Trophy Wife". "Honorable Mention Wife" at best I think.
_____I tried to express my feelings with dance moves but no one understood me. Next time I will hire an interpreter 
_____I had somethin' good to say but.. well, I'm kinda baked. Yeah, mon! :) 
_____I was in a very committed relationship.. till my wife found out.. now.. not so much... _____My pet rock doesn't look too well today. I think he's stoned. 
_____I may not be a taxidermist but I will still mount your a** 
_____I am wearing a hospital gown and my wife is wearing a sexy nurse outfit because that is how we role-play 
_____I've found that writing 'I know you wanted to keep it a secret, but congratulations on your new baby!' on a random friend's wall really livens up a boring Wednesday night on the Net. _____I post at least once a day... just to let my friends and family know I'm still alive. 
_____If you play the lotto while sitting down, you don't stand a chance. (funny lotto quote)
_____Somewhere in a parallel universe everything is side by side and the same distance apart.. (awesome funny quote status) 
_____I went to go jogging this morning, got all the way to the mailbox, and realized I was naked... and I had no where to put my cigarettes. 
_____It's a good thing that "Pokes" don't show up in the news feed... or your mom would be pissed! 
_____You guys should watch the Asian version of "How I Met Your Mother". It's a single episode called "I Met Her At Our Wedding". (How i met your mother quotes) 
_____I think it's been too long since I've gotten laid. I saw 262 clouds today and every single one looked like a you. 
_____I went to this fat lady and told her wow you're fat..she said tell me something I don't know..I told her:"salad tastes nice" 
_____I've just read a book on the tallest building in the world.......................................u should see people going all crazy trying to get me from off the top of there 
_____If you judge my personal life solely by how many Facebook event invites I receive, I look pretty f**kin' popular!!!!.... 
_____I am Mr. Right Now. True story :( 
_____I've decided that there's only one thing better than watching Nascar.......that would be not watching Nascar. (funny NASCAR quote) 
_____My boss is in a bad mood So I tried to lighten it. By holding her down and painting a white out smile on her face. It didn't work. 
_____I was beginning to get a bit drunk yesterday , at my 44th birthday party. Next year I'll stick to just the one , like everybody else 
_____why don't people stop posting their pictures in their workplace on facebook? Dear Strippers this isn't about you of course (funny stripper quote status) 
_____Bipolar????? NOOOoooooo...... I prefer the phrase "emotionally undecided". (bipolar quote status) 
_____Last night I was so high, I attempted to eat my bowl of fruity pebbles with a fork (Short jokes) 
_____I think those people that like to go out and feel the cool breeze and smell the roses and all that other nature shit ......have not yet discovered the internet and facebook!! 
_____Boss just told me I've been making a lot of bad decisions lately... I said, "It's probably just the alcohol talking." 
_____ I fell into a burning ring of fire, ya I was way to drunk for flaming shots. _____All I want is a car horn that says f#ck you! 
_____I never pass up a chance to hold bees. Cuz you know, beauty is in the eye of the beeholder. 
_____Is it just me or does whenever someone says premature.....u just feel the need to quickly jump up and say 'ejaculation' 
_____Hey I didnt mean to say her nose is big ....I just meant to say that she could smoke a cigarette in the shower.
_____I should just strap my phone to my hubby's forehead just so it looks like I'm paying attention to him
_____In YOUR case, stupidity is genetic. Sooooo.... now, you really can blame YOUR parents. Hope I helped.
_____I picked up a hitchhicker for the first time today just to prove what a bada** I can be.
_____I have a friend that lost 2 legs at war, I always feel like an a**hole when I introduce him as a "stand up guy.
_____Mothers Day already? shit, I gotta think of a good gift for Mom! I mean, I know what I'm giving to your Mom on Mothers Day, but I really can't give that to mine.
_____Today at work I noticed a sign that said "Why Do You Go to Work?" Under it on the large piece of paper I wrote, "It's better than being waterboarded."
_____I am going to teach my son some of the important life lessons that my dad never taught me, and I learned the hard way. For example, do not jack into the same sock you will be wearing the next day.
_____There are no good statuses... No bad ones either... Just statuses... –Buddha
_____I completely humiliated my ex's new boyfriend. I made him look worthless, weak, and girly, like he wasn't even a man. Then I realized my ex had not arrived yet and I had wasted the whole thing ... damn premature emasculation.
______I misread my stupid lease and moved out two weeks before I had to ... I hate premature evacuation.
______Sometimes I look at the sky......marvel at its beauty.......and realize I passed out on the lawn again......
______I think it is really rude that people around here will not click "like" on my statuses just because they are not funny, clever or original.
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25 Funny Quotes

____To stay as my kids leading role model, I changed the covers of their "Superheros" comic books, to pics of ME with the title of, "below average and happy"
_____Life's all about knowing how long to wait before liking someone's new status so they don't find out that you're stalking them. (funny life  
quote)
_____I have way better statuses then all of you here... I'm just too selfish to share any of them with you (funny facebook status)
_____None of your statuses are original..they are just statuses I haven’t thought of yet (funny status)
_____I can't understand why some people take "I hope you die a horrible and painful death, you fat, ugly twat" so personally (hilarious quote)
_____They say my dear that "absence make the heart grow fonder"........so what I am trying to say is.....get the f**k away from me (funny quote)
_____My phone keeps saying "out of service area" when in my lap. It's starting to sound a LOT like my ex-girlfriend
_____Oh I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was too busy imagining you sitting on my face
_____I wish I had tits so people would at least act like they give a shit about what I say.
_____I'm going to sit here and wink at you. It's going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story
_____I don't like to send friend requests to anyone unless we have 30 or more friends in common, so if you still receive a request from me, you've got tits
_____I just couldn't wait to get here for thanksgiving so I can hear what everyone will say about why they're thankful for me (funny thanksgiving quote)
_____asked the gf what she wants for her bday, she said "Something that comes from the heart"...I dont think Blood is a proper bday present though
_____always thought patience comes with age

went to a hospital and realised patients comes with age
_____ It’s so cold I can’t even feel my penis…. Oh sorry dude I thought that was mine (funny cold quote)
_____ I am optimist.. you guys are half full of shit (funny optimist quote)
_____ It’s not easy being that humble when you have no flaws
_____ If I could just make one thing very clear at this point..................................... I would.
_____ ‎98% of all problems can be fixed with the common household hammer
_____ I can't believe I just spent 15 seconds of my life writing this useless status. Worse yet is the fact that I spend hours reading YOURS
_____ Sometimes when I’m having dinner I fantasize about other dinners
_____ Seriously I’ve been on facebook for quite a time and I’ve seen everything at least twice..even this status (funny status)
_____ My therapist told me that I have an ego problem…. oh yeah she wants me
_____ I'm not a hypocrite, I just want to punch people in the face so they don't make the same mistakes that I did
_____ I have huge balls - A bowler. (funny cricket quote)

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15 Funny Quotes

____The best way to guarantee that you get that important phone call you have been waiting for is to go to the bathroom. (funny quote, stupid quote, funny status)
_____If anybody is interested, I'll be signing books at Times square  from 7p.m. till I'm removed by security. (short funny quote, funny life quote, stupid funny quote)
_____If you trip and fall hard on your behind and your own child laughs so hard they cry before asking if you're okay, then you have raised that child right. (funny quote saying, funny quote about child, funny status)
_____That banana I had for dinner last night REALLY “hit the spot”! But I don’t run web cam…so you are just gonna have to take my word for it. (funny quote about banana, funny quote life, funny webcam quote)
_____I missed a period in my last status.. thank god I’m a guy. (funny quote, great funny quote, funny quote about period)
_____I saw a guy wearing ' 8 rings. He caught me tryin' to take a pic.. and I'm pretty sure he cast a spell on me and floated away. (funny status, stupid status)
_____If the grass is greener on the other side, it's because someone has been spreading some serious bullshit around. (funny quote saying, great funny quote, crazy quote)
_____What idiot came up with the concept of "going out to work" ? (funny quote about office work, cute funny quote, funny status)
_____My thoughts may be a little manic today... but I'm too busy to put much thought into it. (funny quote saying, cute funny quote, great funny quote)
_____I went to the doctor for a check up. He said, "How many times a week do you masturbate, roughly? "I said, "Never, I always jerk gently." (funny status, funny masturbate quote, funny doctor quote)
_____If I have to tell you ONE MORE TIME to stop flirting with me, that will make once (funny quote saying, funny beer quote, funny status)
_____It's sad how I finally poured my f**king heart out to someone special, and all she had to say was, "Do you have any idea why I pulled you over (funny quote saying, funny chick quote, funny status)
_____My wife keeps calling me a f**k up.. I keep telling her that I am not a f**k up, I am just making conversational topics for the judge. (funny status, funny wife quote)
_____Imagine that you constantly have an epiphany but then lose that train of thought. Awareness, then nothing, awareness, then nothing, awareness, then nothing. That's what it is like to be me but they tell me that my facial expressions are golden. (Awesome funny quote, cute funny quote, great funny quote)
_____I enjoy making relatively simple concepts confusing by using obscure analogies. A bit like riding through outer space on a llama with amnesia. (funny amnesia quote, funny status)

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