35 Hilariously Funny Status Updates

_______A good relationship is less about having stuff in common and more about you letting me have some of your fries.

_______I hate it when I wake up from taking a nap, come downstairs, then say,"That smells delicious! What's for dinner?!" and they say, "What the hell are you doing in my house."

_______Funny how women can put on makeup, drive and not get in a wreck, but men will look at women putting on makeup and get in a wreck.

_______Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. "Will the defendant please rise".

_______Postnatal depression is a serious condition. My mom still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

_______I don't know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I'm looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.

_______I'm not too concerned about this coup in Thailand, most Thai things finish with a happy ending.

_______I often find myself rewording a post so many times that it completely loses the original subject. This one started off about a cat.

_______I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender.

_______Hey, does anyone know which side you're supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.

_______My performance with my girlfriend last night was amazing. It lasted like 45 minutes! Then I finally gave in and admitted she was right.

_______That time I did give a f**k but you thought I didn't was only because it was buffering.

_______Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make everything all your fault.

_______The GM vs. Ford debate continues as they now compete to see who can recall the most vehicles.

_______When you see something being advertised as "under $20!" get ready to pay $19.99.

_______ Such a relief when things I've been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it's too late.

_______Kids today have it so easy... None of them understand the anger and disappointment of when the net on The Mouse Trap game didn't fall down.

_______The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. --people who have no understanding of tension, thickness, or cutlery.

_______If it ain't broke give it to my co-worker and it will be....beyond repair.

_______I 'm not a professional ventriloquist... but I  can throw a silent fart in public and hold my breath for like 7 minutes.

_______When you see only one set of footprints, know that I  unfollowed you. -Jesus Christ on Twitter..

_______Republicans, democrats and liberals are all tolerant as long as you completely agree with them.

_______Just got a lottery ticket. I t said match to win, so I  lit one and burned the place down.

_______Sometimes you come across a status which is so heartfelt, meaningful and touching that you just have to share it with everyone else. This isn't one of them, so you might as well just keep scrolling.

_______Legs is the key word of the day! Spread the word!

_______Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open a FB account and remove all doubt.

_______ Am I...are we... is this a date? *elevator opens & she leaves*

_______This Customs officer just asked me if I had anything to declare, 'I have nothing to declare but my genius.' Instead of telling me where I can stick it I think he is going to put it there for me.

_______I'm sorry, but I don't care how serious your argument is. If somebody accidentally rhymes, you need to point that sh*t out.

_______Dear Crush, I wanna be the reason a stranger at the gas station whispers to you, "Ma'am there's someone hiding in your backseat"

_______They say 'the truth hurts'. They say 'truth shall set you free'. The truth is starting to sound a lot like my ex-girlfriend, who kicked me in the nuts then dumped me.

_______I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn't mine.

_______A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money... but I am always reassured by the fact that I don't have any money...or a girlfriend.

_______ After watching 3 coworkers try and fail to change the toner in the copier, the boss made an executive decision....to just put an "out of order" sign on it. Guess that's why he makes the big bucks.

_______You can turn anything into a compliment if you're delusional enough.

_______I don't get into the whole "Mondays suck" thing. I hate all work days equally.

_______FINANCIAL FACT: If you don't actually open your bills, you don't have to pay them.

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34 Hilarious and Funny Status Updates

_______Me: do these jeans make my butt look big? 
Him: I can't really see that well, you're blocking out the sun.

______Just read a book about the digestive system. 
The ending was shit.

______A penny for your thoughts. 
Five bucks if they're inappropriate.

______Everyone still raving about Frozen!!!... 
Let It Go...

______Looking back at my life I feel so sad I've failed so many people.
Lecturer maybe.

______"I put the C U in cute" 
~ stalkers maybe

______Some people say I am an animal in the sack"
- baby kangaroo

______Sorry to yawn in your face but to be fair you were boring the life out of me...

______Love riding 2 wheels to work. Its hard to keep the car on its side though...

______'8 Years a Slave' is what I'm titling my tell-all book about my amazing marriage.

______Remember to always thoroughly wash your hands in a public restroom... right before you touch the filthy, virus-laden door handle on the way out.

______If you rub me the wrong way, I'll just take over and do it myself...

______Hey ladies, if for some reason you're feeling down, call me and I'll try to feel you up.  Yeah, that sounded a lot more suave when I said it to myself.

______Liven up a slugs boring day by pouring a ring of salt around it and giving it enough Lego pieces to build a bridge

______If you have nothing intelligent to say... just write it on Facebook.

______Thanks for the good reggae music,Bob Marley....but no thanks for white guys walking around with dreads...

______"Yes, sweetheart, I agree we should talk about this later... like maybe after you forget about it?" —Men

______Sometimes I think I'm doing pretty well for my age... But then I remember that I'm not 15.

______I'm going to hang a Superman costume in my closet just to mess with my mind if I ever get Alzheimer's.

______Friend: "Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?" 
Me: "I think that's a myth..."
Friend: "No, it's definitely a butterfly."
She's blonde.

______People who post better than me: Please. This is all I have.

______If you're going to reach out to me, there better be a doughnut in your hand.

______NO ONE WARNED ME THERE WOULD BE PEOPLE HERE!!  
- Me, everywhere I go

______I've decided I need a break from facebook. ok I'm back.

______I'll never forget that amazing, erotic night that I spent with what's her name.-- Men

______Is it a pattern or a problem if you make at least three posts to Facebook a day from a toilet seat?? 
Asking for a friend.

______Jehovah's Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant...Pfft I'm not falling for it.

______Let's all start using duck as a swear word just to duck with auto-correct.

______ My recent trip to Walmart has forced me to reexamine my long-held belief that yoga pants are always sexy.

______I am the Michael Jordan of overweight Americans who suck at basketball.

______Don't ask me to moan, make me...

______If it wasn't for sarcasm, my coworkers and I would never communicate

______Time flies when you're having fun, they say. So here I am, stopwatch in hand, sitting next to a fresh turd, and I 'm not having fun anymore. I don' t get it.

______If you don't have anything to do today, you can wonder about when will your life actually begin?

______Today is the day to show the one you love how special they are so go ahead, violate that restraining order. Love has no boundaries.

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Bunch of Short Funny Jokes

_____if your hotness caused global warming.. I am the reasoning for The Big Bang..!!!

            (joke about global warming, Big Bang Jokes)

_____While performing magic I asked a woman what her favorite card is,

 her reply, "Ummmm...a credit card?!!?"

            (jokes about women and credit cards)

_____‎‎''Hi, I'd like a dog please''

 ''male or female?'' 

   B!tch, please.

     (B!tch Please Jokes)

_____This hot girl at work is flirting with me like crazy but I'm married.

 Do I do the right thing...   or do I tell her I'm married?

            (joke about hot girls, Marriage jokes)

_____Mondays are crap. 

Tuesdays are too. 

Oh Dear Weekend, How I miss you.

           (short jokes about Mondays)

_____It's so beautiful outside. I just went out and stared at a junebug for like 20 minutes......

Then I yelled ,

"ITS ONLY MARCH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ALREADY!"

 I hope I didn't make it cry.

           (Funny March Jokes)

_____My wife says I'm too immature and that I never listen to her. . . 

Maybe that's what she say still, I couldn't hear so well with me watching pokemon 13 on cartoon network

             (Funny Wife Jokes)

_____I am so angry. I was hired as a Walmart greeter last week; not only have they fired me they have refused to pay me AND reimburse me for the mileage that I have racked up driving around the country saying, 

"Saying Hello to ALL the Walmarts..

            (Funny Walmart Jokes)

_____When someone is leaving and they say,

 "I gotta run!"

 I always reply with, 

"Aww, cuz you're fat, huh?"

 Then we have a good laugh... unless they're fat.

            (Joke about Being Fat)

_____Well, I'm off to the eye doctor. I know there's a joke in here somewhere... I just can't see it.

           (short jokes about Doctors)

_____So as I went to school and got in class this morning i started to take notes.....when.........my high school teacher surprisingly looked at me at said 

"Jazz what the hell are you doing here, didn't you graduate over 10 years ago...and go put on some pants u sick bastard"

            (High School Jokes, College Humor Jokes)

______Her: Can we talk?

 Me: Both of us? Or do you talk and I look like I'm paying attention? 

 Her: I hate you.

 Me: Let's talk about that.

             (Shortest Hilarious Joke)

_____Bahahaha - represents a laugh you tried to suppress

 Mawhawhaw - represents a diabolical laugh

 He he he - represents a mischievous laugh

 Ha Ha Ha - represents s hearty laugh

 Tee hee- don't use this unless you are an elderly lady

 hahahahahaha - machine gun laugh (obnoxious)  Learn to use the correct laugh.

              (Laugh Jokes)

______i am in the hospital.. can u please come with 12 beers.. coz the waiting area is boring and am too lazy to get a few by myself..!!  

also, the security took away my weed.. 

              (Weed Jokes)

______WIFE: HEY, BABE ITS RAINING.

 ME: SO WHAT ?. THE F**K YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT ?.

              (Jokes about Raining)

_____I parked my car in a disabled parking space today and a security guy shouted 

"Hey you! what's your disability?" 

I said..

"Tourettes! Now fugg off from here you piece of sh!tt!"

            (Funny Parking Jokes)

_____Finally got around to checking my e-mails from last week,and one was an ad which said "Earn money,call me",

so I called the number,and it said 

"Get a job you f**kin bum"

            (funny Joke about Junk Email and Work)

_____She said 

" where have u been all my life "

 over in the bushes with binoculars was probably not the answer she was expecting

            (Jokes about Stalkers and Stalking)

_____It hurts my feelings when no one responds to my posts. 

What do I have to do, come up with a good one?

_____My math teacher admitted to growing up on coke.  It's ok, I like Pepsi. :)

           (Joke about Coke and Pepsi)

_____ I walked into work wearing one white and one black shoe this morning....

the boss said I looked ridiculous and should go get another pair......

he went livid when I told him I only had two pair of shoes n the ones at home were also black and white

            (joke about Boss)

_____Son: Mom, can I use the Internet now.

 Mom: No, you have to wait, whose paying for this anyway?

 Son: You...

 Mom: No, the neighbors! But I put a lot of hard work in to hacking their internet service, so you just have to wait.

           (Internet Jokes)

71 Funny Quotes

_______Listen...I need to know, who is spreading the word on how awesome I am?  (Being awesome quote)
_______Wonder which one of my rich friends in here are willing to send me some money.......I'm broke!! (money borrow quote)
_______Depression - this is when you login into Facebook see all the notifications and you do not know what to do.. (funny depression quote)
_______Kids today are so spoiled with all their electronic gadgets. I remember when all we had for entertainment was a black and white TV with rabbit ears and tin foil on top of the antenna. (funny entertainment quote)
_______Sometimes, late at night, I move the neighbors garbage cans to the middle of the road and laugh when the drunks swerve at the last minute to avoid them......  (drunk quote)
_______Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the things you did......so plz drink all you can from now!!!! (drunk status)
_______I threw a stick at a squirrel...... Then we looked into each other's eyes and we laughed about how short that throw was...... (hilarious status)
_______Wow! I'm writing my name in the air, with these sparklers! Oh... It's over now. :(
_______Please don't annoy me! I've castrated everything on the farm. (funny annoying quote)
_______The best thing about marriage are the affairs. (affair status)
_______My dentist and I are working to bridge the gap...between my teeth (funny dentist quote)
_______I am thinking about showing my boss how hard I work in here to make all of laugh so I can ask him for a raise (funny boss quote)
_______If I was drunk.....you would be reading a much more funnier status right now (funny drunk status)
_______Please don't come over to my house and ask where things are, because I do not know! I JUST moved in two years ago!! (hilarious drunk quote tweet)
_______I've always loved telling jokes about distances...... but I've gone too far this time. (funny distance quote)
_______No, I probably don't want to go with you to a seafood place named Sam & Ella's.
_______I am too old for fighting. Mess with me and I will set your house on fire....and wait outside with a gun (funny fighting quote)
_______''challenge'' is my middle name.. Unless you wanna buy me a house or something..

_______These vegetables I have been eating lately taste like they have been in their wheelchair way too long (famous hilarious quote)
_______i am indrustable.. I am superman.. Ouch...!!! Papercut... Someone call 911! (funny superman quote)
_______I just spent the last one hour sweating, panicked, hyperventilating, NEVER forget your phone at home.. That's some scary sh*t!  (funny phone status)
_______Just enjoyed watching a street performance by the most convincing and dedicated mime artist I've ever seen. He finished acting out a heart attack six hours ago, and he's still lying there. (random funny quote)
_______Jealousy doesn't look good on you. What does jealousy look like? It looks like being envious of the mental patient who has a nice bathrobe. (famous funny quote)
_______Never let anyone put you down....That's my job ! (hilarious quote ever)
_______No, I didn't say you have cute dimples. I said you have a lot of pimples (funny dimple pimple quote)
_______I let a blind guy borrow money from me yesterday, he told me that he'll pay me back the next time he sees me WAIT!! ( ._.) (funny money borrow quote status)
_______I hate people that b!tch about everything they hate on Facebook, but yet they continue to get on Facebook. (funny Facebook lovers quote)
_______I think I might be posting too much stuff in here so today I will try to keep it down...to only 71
_______If you give me a speech about the dangers of my second hand smoke you might suffer from a first hand A$$ kicking. (funny smocking status)
_______Where I live gas prices have dropped 40 cents in 3 weeks but it still has not gone down as much as your Mom (you mama status joke)
_______They say Isaac causes national gas price high but not as much as I'm (Isaac status)
_______People think I'm crazy because apparently they always see me talking to myself....funny enough they wouldn't know that its myself talking to me (crazy quote status)
_______Was going to bake something but the recipe calls for 4 cups of water. Who the hell has 4 measuring cups? (funny recipe quote status)
_______NOTHING CAN MAKE YOU LOSE YOUR ERECTION QUICKER THAN A PHONE CALL FROM YOUR MOTHER
_______your stupidity controls my fist (shortest sarcastic quote)
_______Well kid lemme put it this way...If you still like her after a w*nk, she's the one. (funny kid wink quote status)

_______This girl I met said "My hobbies are gardening and music"... so I was all "That's great, why don't you plant your tulips on my skinflute" (best famous funny love quote status)
_______This guy told me that he can see the future but he didn't even try to duck when I punched him in the face (funny future punch quote)
_______That frustrating and awkward moment when... you realize that you’re never going to get the damn garden hose to ever roll back up in its original shape. (funny awkward moment quote)
_______last night I was walking a girl home until she turned around and saw me (stalkers status)
_______Don't ask my opinion right now.. I am completely honest when I'm sick.. (funny honesty quote)
_______Life would be so much easier if blessings stopped wearing disguises... (funny disguises quote)
_______"User Friendly" is just another way of saying stupid... (stupid quote)
_______I just got a free bluetooth. I was chewing on the end of my ink pen and it broke open (stupid bluetooth quote)
_______People say I'm sarcastic but I'm just investigating the effects of irony on morons.. (best sarcastic quote ever)
_______And for my next trick, I'll attempt to pay these bills with absolutely NO money in the bank. (funny bill quotes)
_______I wouldn't really say I'm lazy.....everyone has their choices and I just choose to do nothing most times (funniest hilarious lazy quote)
_______I wonder if you used your last nerve to get on my last nerve? Cause man I tell ya, you got your nerves! (funny getting on nerve quote)

_______I really need to jump off this computer and log out of Facebook just so I can jump back on Facebook on my cell phone (funny Facebook addiction quote)
_______"You don't have to live like a refugee. If you don't like it, leave" - Tom Pettys Refugee Camp (funny refugee quote status)
_______When I think about you, I touch myself, and when I say touch myself, I mean scratching my head trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you (funny love quote)
_______I have about decided that facebook is primarily a site where people who are completely screwed up come to lie about how great their life is and people who have it made come to lie about how screwed up their life is (funny Facebook reality)
_______My oldest son just said "mother-f**ker" when he dropped his iPhone ... and I yelled "present". (funny iPhone quote)
_______In my constant effort to improve myself, I started to make a list of all the things I learned througout my life....Why is this page still blank? (funny life lesson quote)
_______I can take a joke, but I can't take it if you take my joke! (funny piracy quote)
_______My 'real' friends keep asking me if I've got a job, because I'm ''never'' on Facebook anymore...
_______3.6 Billion women in the world and not one of them are naked in front of me right now! That just isn't right.. (funny stupid desire)
_______I have no idea how old I am.. I stopped caring after 21 (funny caring quote)
_______I was in the passenger seat of a car on the motorway... Then I thought, Where the f**k has the rest of the car gone? (funniest quotes)
_______The house telephone thingy just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped and rolled. (funny landline phone quote)
_______I just fell over and I think I broke my collar-bone. ROF.
_______People who point out the mistakes in my posts are the typo people I want to pinch in the throat (funny typo quotes)
_______Apparently 'Better late than never' is not the right thing to say at a funeral (funny idioms)
_______I was walking in the park earlier and saw this beautiful lark singing in a blossoming cherry tree and it made me think about how petty life's problems really are. Then I went home and told that story to the people chained up in my basement who keep b!tching about how hungry they are. (awesome funny event quote)
_______You know the drinks are getting to you when the girls at the bar pay you no attention and you think they are playing hard to get. (funny bar girls quote status)

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70 funny Quotes

_______Whenever I see a lame status with no likes I want to give it a pity like but I cant...because it is usually one of mine (funny Facebook status)

_______I'm one of those people that can't hide their feelings,so when I'm upset about something people close to me usually know.Today was one of those days... When my friend asked me "Are you ok?'',while tilting her head slightly.I looked her in the eye and said ''Mind your own f**king business !!!!!"......... noisy b!tch ! (funniest quote status ever)

_______Whenever I feel like being in a horrible mood.. I crank up Brittany Spears on my way to work. By the time I get there, I'm ready to shove my foot up someone's a**. Works. Every Time. :) (funny bad mood quote)

_______I'm not very good at doing' push-ups.. I'm much better with push-downs. (famous funny quote)

_______My wife is like the sun.......................She makes my eyes hurt when i look at her (funny wife quote)

_______Isn't it annoying when you're having lunch with your in-laws and they don't exist because no one loves you enough to marry you (funniest love quote ever)

_______Got two pieces of bad news today.   First, my 22 year old next door neighbor is pregnant and secondly, my passport is out of date. (funny bad news quote)

_______Its funny how a picture can spark a memory. When I see yours I am reminded that I need to see a doctor to remove this boil from my a** (funny memories quote)

_______My wife wants to travel to third world countries and teach them how to get water out of a 'hole' in the ground.........I'm sure she means well. (funny third world countries quote)

_______73% of women buy clothes but never wear them. I'd like to meet those women (funny women quote)

_______There are times I flip a table over at a restaurant just to prove that I can......I tip well..... (funny tip quote)

_______Women aren't always right, but they are certainly never wrong. (funny women quote)

_______Friends tend to bend when you in need of their help... Split personalities... I'll be friends with myself.. (funny Friend quote)

_______At work I always get in trouble for two things  1...The things I've done 2....The things I'm not doing. (funny work quote)

_______Wow.. I just met someone that actually IS as stupid as they look. (funny stupid quote)

_______The quickest way to a woman's heart is through your own pocket. (funny heart quote)

_______Sometimes I wish all ten of my fingers were middle ones. (funny wish )

_______Don't worry if that beautiful girl you've had your eye on doesn't know that you exist......You're less likely to become a suspect if she ''disappears ''. (funny beautiful girl quote)

_______This prostitute's business is growing so fast now she's in retail and whoresale (funny business quote)

_______Okay, since you won't go away, at least "like" my posts.

_______the part where i start giving a f**k to your issues.. Well, i haven't reached that part of the conversation as yet.. :-p (funny issues quotes)

_______I reached my limit in appropriate life choices for the day when I got out of bed.. this afternoon. (funniest life quotes ever)

_______Just want to remind all the blond ladies about tomorrow. TGIF. When you are putting on your shoes Toes Go In First (funny blond quotes)

_______I was told by my Doctor to do at least 30 minutes of cardio a day....so does having panic attacks count (funny Doctor quotes)

_______She is not ugly........she is a beautiful piece of sh!t  ! 

_______My friend wants me to go clubbing but I don't want to get baby seal blood on my new shoes (funny clubbing quote)

_______When someone writes that they lost a loved one, with a very nice tribute to that person. I never know if I should click "like" or not. sooooo....I comment with, "is this good or bad?" please circle one. (funny loved one quote)

_______you know how babies suck their thumbs for comfort? When I'm out of beer I just carry the empty bottle everywhere. (funny beer quote)

_______Just saw my ex at a bar. Asked her if she wanted to come over and hook up just like old times. She said, "Over my dead body". I said, "Yep...just like old times". Not sure what she was drinking but it sure was sticky. (funny ex joke)

_______Zuckerberg got you to devote your life to facebook. Let's see what happens when Zuckerberg tells you to like my status.

_______I'm not really afraid of drowning. I'm just afraid of not having enough air to breathe. In the water. That's totally different. (funny drowning quote)

_______cast iron pans are the way to go. They cook the best, are the easiest to clean and also make a great weapon. (funny weapon quote)

_______Seriously, trust me.. i was kidding when i said.. i will NOT kill u... (kidding quotes)

_______Depression - this is when you login into Facebook see all the notifications and you do not know what to do. (funny Facebook depression quote)

_______My psychiatrist was really pissed at me when I was complaining to him today about how I had problems hearing people but couldn't see them...he was astonished and said when does this happen.....I said over the phone (funny psychiatrist quote)

________I just found a fruit roll up in my pocket which means I left my blunt wrap at work on my desk. (funny work quotes)

________The wife's watching lifetime, the kids asleep and the dogs licking his nuts....all is right with the world (funny world quote)

________I entered a competition and won 2 buns and 6 soft rolls....then again, I always have been the Bread winner..

________I was just labeled as a case of mistaken obscenity (funny labels)

________If I were a poet and you were a llama you couldn't read this and know that it was stupid and doesn't rhyme..

________My coworker keeps playing all his annoying ringtones on his phone. I hope he likes the tone my ring makes when I punch him in the face (funny coworker quote)

________In honor of celebrating 420, I'm going to drink 420 ounces of beer. (funny 420 quotes)

________He said that she said that stuff that was said, so I said that she said the stuff that he said was enough said. There, I have said enough. (funny tongue twist quote)

________I like to sit in front of random people, preferably men, take out my big long banana, peel it, slowly, and then eat it, nice and slow, see that's the way to do it, nice and slow.

_______I'm going to ride this horse off this cliff until it turns into a pegasus... if it's the last thing I do!

_______Your mom is like my new carpet.... Just got laid by 3 guys  (yo mama joke)

_______I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying (funny sleep quote)

_______Being married is like the smell of a hot pizza pie when you are dieting... (funny marriage quote)

_______Does this knife I'm holding to my Jugular make me look married? (funny marriage quote)

_______I got a warning for using 911 improperly because at Micky D's I ordered a margarita mcflurry and when they said they didn’t make those I got a little pissed. (funny 911 joke)

_______I am single now, however, I was living with a girl for about four months recently, until she found out I was there. (funny being single quote)

_______All I need is 24 hours of alone time per day & I am good to go! (funny time quote)

_______Everyone using ASAP... needs to calm the f*ck down!

_______No no, I'm sorry for thinking that ur mom acts like a whore............maybe its just a case where all the whores act like your mom!! (funny whore quote)

________I really don't know much about you, but I think we're in for a bad spell of weather.

________If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don't miss twice

________So I found a tumor on my ex's lung. If I would of let her live that would of been some bad news.

________This old lady dropped her bag outside the mall... My girl looked at me and said, "Come on, don't just stand there."...So I started doing star jumps. (short joke)

_______If my dog wakes me up by licking me one more time... I swear to God, I'm gonna buy another one!

_______Boys will be boys, and men will be... Well I don't really know much about mythological creatures. (funny men quote)

_______Do I miss being married? Sure, what could be better than being in a relationship with a female, bipolar version of Darth Vader (funny bipolar quote)

_______Teaching your kids to swim isn't hard .. You just throw them in the deep end either they learn to swim or you get your social life back

_______I just watched a Glade air freshener disintegrate right before my very eyes here in the bathroom....I think I just discovered my super power. (funny super power quote)

_______Tried to record the Justin Bieber special tonight. My TiVo suggested I might also want to punch myself in the throat. (funny quote about Justin Bieber)

_______In ten years, there will be kids walking around thinking Dre is only famous for headphones (funny Dre quote)

_______I'm currently dating a wealthy midget. She is Short on money. (funny midget quote)

_______So I went to the gym today.............and by gym I meant mcdondalds................and by today I mean everyday! (funny gym quote)


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______Apparently, it is easier to explain to your parents that you joined a cult than it is to explain to them what Facebook is (funny quotes about Facebook)

______I look back on my high class stripper days with sweet memories....sweet money making get rich quick memories. (Stripper Quotes)

______Here's the thing: Do not waste a perfectly good ringtone on someone who is not ever going to call (great love quote)

______Life is hard.. which is ironic because I plan on f**k' it today. :) (funny quote about Life)

______The person that coined the phrase, "The early bird gets the worm" never said it applied to owls also and that's why I don't leave my bedroom window open at night...................anymore. (Funny Phrase)

______Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night to play with my balls because I never have time during the day to play sports.. (funny Quotes about Sports)

______Walking into a Liquor Store.... with a pocketful of my own cash money ......to buy PBR...... makes me feel like a straight gangster... (funny gangster quotes)

______Tried speed dating last night... I'm out about a kilo of coke, but the moat I dug around her house really compliments the landscaping! (funny dating quotes)

______Tried one of those dove bars... Worst soap I ever tasted. (funny bar quote)

______Facebook is like my fridge.I know there is nothing but I still can't help but check every 10 minutes (funny Facebook status)

______I hate it when my girlfriend is all like, hey look at me! I don't exist! (funny girlfriend status)

______Some people have problem solving skills, but most have excellent problem causing skills. (funny quotes about skills)

______If I'm ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy. 

______i’m not saying you are stupid.... but if I were to think of the 5 most ignorant people I know... you would be 3 of them (funny quotes about stupid people)

______When I die I cannot be cremated...I will need my body for the zombie apocalypse. (Zombie status)

______You're not even here yet and I already hate you Monday! (shakes fist)  (funny Monday status)

______I want to open up a ribeye restaurant.....and call it "Ribbed For Your Pleasure" (pleasure quotes)

______ Seems to me that the longer you're married, the more often you check your spam email. (funny quotes about marriage)

______ About to watch Magic Mike. You know... because of all the chicks and shit. (funny quote about Magic Mike)

______Last night I stared at the moon for a half hour before I realized it was just your mom sitting on my face (sarcastic quote)

______I'll bet curbside couches have some pretty disturbing stories to tell. (funny couch status)

______Really should warn people when I'm drinking. I'll put on the party hat <[:) (funny emoticon status)

______Silly rabbit, If the pills are out of date you just double the dose. Everybody knows that fool... (short joke)

______The pinky toe: Completely useless except to remind you that your pain sensory receptors still work perfectly... (pinky Toe quotes)

______You know ladies, men probably wouldn't cringe when you say "we need to talk,"...... if occasionally you said "we need to f**k" instead..... (one liner joke)

______I may not have a very good memory, but at least I.......Wait......What was I talking about?(funny quote status about bad memory)

______‎i have lost the belief in the logic of staying sober.. :-) (funny status about being sober)

______My friend and I decided to have a contest on who can hold their coffee the longest...Goddamn bladder!! (funny contest)

______This case of beer is tasting like I'm not going to be on time for work tomorrow morning (funny beer quotes)

______i think angry birds game is a great revenge on the whole morning noises they make..!! (funny quotes about Angry Birds)

______If i am wrong, who the hell is write :-p (famous funny status)

______I have the strangest urge to slap on a kilt, march down the middle of our neighborhood and scream FRrrreeeeeeedom! (funny freedom status)

______When I was little,I remember falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in bed...now that Im older, I find myself passing out on the sofa and waking up on the floor.. (funny Lines)

______You'd be amazed at how much fun you can have with a pink rubber glove, half a gallon of plain yogurt, a roll of sticky tape, a horny bull and a rookie farmhand. (great funny quote)

______Hate when it rains cats and dogs because I keep stepping in poodles. (funny poodles quote)

______I live in a brick house, and I throw glass at people. I'm assuming that's okay (the punchline)

______Working in a crematorium... is a sure-fire way to earn a living. 

______Thousands of people were fooled by “Mermaids: The Body Found” show on Animal Planet. Bahahahaha! I don't even need to make a joke. (funny quotes about Animal Planet)

______I'm on a shoe string budget. Literally, all I can afford is one shoe string. (funny quote about inflation)

______Charity begins at home. Especially if you're on welfare. (funny charity quotes)

______Saw a guy today with an ''Only God can judge me'' tattoo, see that's where you're wrong, If I can see you, I can judge you and the verdicts bad....

______If you're looking for the wrong answers, you have come to the right place. (awesome funny quote)

______Petard is a real word. But its also what I call Peter, my retarded co-worker (funny status about coworker).

______All that glitters is not gold. Could just be sparkly rocks (Funniest quotes)

______I'm sorry but after the 4th sneeze you are more likely to get a throat punch than a "bless you" from me....control that sh!t (funny sneezing status)

______Apparently the height of my business success occurred at age 14 while playing Monopoly. (Monopoly quotes)

______days when my underwear matches my outfit make me feel like I've really got it together. (good old days)

______That commercial with Hillary Duff telling us not to use the word "gay" to describe something stupid is so gay. (funny commercials)

______My ex-girlfriend came in to work today during lunch and I must admit, I was really happy to see her...I am an undertaker. (funny ex-girlfriend quote)

______Drug dealers who don't answer their phone are sh!tty businessmen. (funny ideas about Facebook Status)

______People now call me 'Wonder Mike' I had to retire all the magic. (Funny Magic Mike status)

______People who act up on the internet with others are probably the same people who yell at other drivers from the safety of their own cars. (funny internet status)

______My wife asked me to warm up the bed for her...So I pissed on her side.  (great funniest status ever)

______I'd rather get cussed out in Spanish than take a beating, because Spicks and stones may break my bones.... (Funny Spanish Quotes)

______Even I was a little surprised by how casually “Oh, I'll just swing by my office and grab my bottle of vodka” just slipped off the tongue (funny Vodka Quotes)

______I was doing shadow puppets for my kid on my porch. All of a sudden five thugs beat the living crap out of me. Apparently the double crocodile is a bad gang sign (funny Facebook status ideas)

______I can't believe you told everyone our secret. That was between me, you and your legs. (funny secret quotes)

______Just sitting here trying to think outside of the box, '30 pack of Bud' that is.

______My refrigerator stopped running. Quick give me some kids phone numbers!

______I REALLY hate it when I say the wrong thing because there's NO WAY I'm putting my foot in my mouth. (stupid status)

______Kegel, kegel, squirt, squirt... I wish I wasn't wearin' a skirt. :)

______Ladies guys really don't care if the carpet matches the drapes...they are more concerned if you got a "welcome" mat (funny Welcome Quotes)

______I'm so poor. When I reached for my piggy bank on the dresser, it looked at me and said; "b!tch please." (b!tch Please Status)

______If you've never been so hung over that you had to shower sitting down, you're probably a way more respectable member of society than I am. (funny society quotes)


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_____ It took me exactly a day to realize.. i don't give a flying f*ck if i offend anyone.. unless i really like them..  (sarcastic quote)

______ Got my unicorn wasted last night and watched it puke rainbows... It was so disgustingly pretty! (funny unicorn quote)

______ Ok, let’s play a game. You ask me anything and I shoot you. (hilarious quote)

_____ Many people come to me and say How does it feel to be so f**king awesome?.. and by many people I mean me. :) (funny inspirational quote)

______ i had forgoten my cell phone at home.. The doctor diagnosed the symptoms as severe panic attack.. (funny cell quote)

______ My midget friend and I went out to dinner and he didn’t have enough to pay his half. I kept trying to make him say he was a little short but he just got mad (funny quote about midgets)

______ There's this one thing that I can do with my tongue, that drives women crazy.  I never stop TALKING. (Famous funny quote)

______Laughter is the best medicine but slaughter works faster (great funny quote)

______My favorite song is Giving The Dog A Bone by AC/DC. It is what I listen to when I bang your mom (yomama jokes)

______Wow this cash that someone put in the mail sure looks like mine. (funny quote about mails)

______I need a midget to help me add up these checks. Because they say "its the little things that count". (funny quotes about midget)

______Well just to let you know, I think women are hilarious. (This is how you get laid guys) (funny inspirational quote)

______I want to leave my mark on the world one bruise at a time. (funny moving quote)

______You know you are bored when you try to see a rainbow in your pee arc. (witty quote)

______I'm not gonna lie, I probably love my pillow more than most of the people I know.  (funny quotes about love)

______In case anyone was wondering...the vodka appears to be working fine this morning....which also means I am not. (funny quotes about vodka)

______I went to the used car lot today... and am now the proud owner of a huge inflatable giant f*cking gorilla! :) (funny quote about life)

______I love all you guys/gals equal.....but some of you definitely way more than others.......and some of you not at all..... (funny love quote)

______They probably call it 'making fun of people' because it actually really is a lot of fun.

______My hair is dirty ... My mind must be leaking. (dirty minded quotes)

______Feeling a little gasy today. Anyone wanna hang out? (funny hangout quotes)

_____My memory is so bad; that if you borrow my status, I will steal it from you, and ty for it ten minutes later.  (funny quote about bad memory)

______I've never seen a buffalo fly... but these wings are delicious! :)

______I'm not a team player.. everyone else can pretty much go f**k themselves. :) (sarcastic quote)

______When I'm in the shower, rinsing off my hair dye I sometimes act out scenes from a low budget slasher movie.... (funny shower quotes)

______My marriage is failing....... I'm a complete mess and I'm not even married ;-) (funny quotes about marriage)

______After all of these years of hardwork and dedication I am finally one of the guys!!!! .............. That f**ked your mom.  (yomama status)

______I always deliver profanity eloquently and using correct pronunciation, because I'm f**king sophisticated.  (funniest quote cheesy grammar)

______The posts those dont get any likes are like abandoned kids. They need some love.

______I only eat the shafts of my asparagus. 

______I don't get it. The police just came and said they had a report of domestic violins. That's just stupid....everybody knows I prefer brass instruments. (hilarious happening)

______You know you took a massive sh!t if you felt obligated to give it a name. (sarcastic quote)

______Just when I thought life couldn't get any worse...you came along. (funny quote about love)

______I call bullsh!t! When you love someone you love all of them, not just parts. F**k that.. I only love certain parts of some people.  (hilarious love quote)

______Every time I drink I get a headache. Every time my wife drinks I get head.Works for me

______If you've never written "Hammer Time" under the "STOP" on a stop sign, you probably haven't been arrested as often as me. 

(great funny quote,funny status)

______Loving you is like getting into heaven. I probably could, but God knows I won't. (famous funny quote about love)

______i always wonder how it feels like to date someone super awesome.. Hmm.. I should totally ask this to my ex-es.. They know better about me ;) (Awesome funniest quote ever)

______I can't wait to go to work!! Seriously... If I wait any longer, I'll probably be late. (funny quote about work)

______I just tripped over a huge crack on the sidewalk. I didn’t know your mom was homeless (funny quote about your mom)

______I'd just like to take a moment & apologize for my hotness causing all this global warming. (Funny Facebook status idea)

______I carry a baseball bat around and tap stupid people on the forehead with it. It is my dislike button. (funniest status ever)

______I'd like to carry a gun, but I don't because I'm sure I'd use it. Like every day. (sarcastic status)

______This pool party sucks. I was standing next to Mr T and the water got really warm. When I asked him he said I peed the pool (funny quote about Mr T)

______I feel like my decisions lately haven't been "hit or miss", they've been more like "miss or miss terribly"

______I met a girl at the bar last night and I tried to give her my digits but her panties kept getting in the way (funniest quote status about stalking)

______If you're ever in my room, lying on the bed, looking up at the ceiling and you listen closely... you can hear me down the hall calling the cops to report an intruder. (funny inspiring status)

______Apparently, every cigarette you smoke takes eight minutes off your life. In a couple more weeks, I should be back in my dad's ball-sack.  (Awesome funny quote about smoking)

______Healthy is just the slowest rate at which you can die... (famous funny quote)

______I just got a second opinion... and I was right, your an a**hole. (the punchline)

______My strongest critics claim I've accomplished nothing in my life. Huh. I'd like to see them organise a 39-year-long drunken orgy. (funny quote about critics)

______As I get older I am having trouble with premature ejaculation and loose stools ... Easy come; easy go.  (hilarious facebook ideas)

______According to my news feed... you make going outside these days seem scary as f*ck! (the punchline quotes)

______My wife said, You’re really slow in bed...if ya know what I mean. Turns out she means Im a f*cking retard. (funny quotes about wife)

______The other day my girlfriend said she can do anything twice as well as me....so I donated one of my kidney (funny status about girlfriend)

______No, no I am not a doctor, but I play one on one of my facebook accounts. (funny quotes about doctor)

______If you weren't so damn selfish with the share button... we would find each other a lot faster. (the best funny pickup line)

______I lost my job because of this bad memory...actually I'm still employed...I just can't remember where. (funny quote about bad memory)

______Aww....a cute nurse said I have a beautiful smile.....making wedding plans as I post this status  (funny cutest status ever)

______I guess the easiest way to sympathize with an arson victim is NOT to ask them to burn you a CD. (funny quotes about arson victim)

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