26 Funny Quotes

____Since the internet is blacked out, I think its a good time to listen to my pirated music. (funny internet blackout quote)
_____Of course I'm against PIPA and SOPA, I don't want anyone to take away a bunch of free shit I got from the internet that I had no part in creating or producing. Viva de la Lazy! (funny SOPA PIPA quote)
_____The more I think about it, I think we should black out the entire internet. I just want to be the guy in charge so I can turn it off when I go to bed and turn it back on when I get up. (funny internet blackout quote)
_____Actually doing homework is so 1990s. Tweeting about how much homework sucks is so now. (funny homework quote)
_____I love getting up early in the morning and going for a nice long run, followed by an intense workout at the gym. - Somebody who isn't me. (funny gym status)
_____I put the team in teamwork.. now you do the work (funny teamwork quote)
_____I will never forget that day.....in 1992....when I lost my virginity......to a very aggressive bicycle seat
_____Apparently today is National A$$hole Day and everyone I know is a member.
_____Roses are red....so was my wine...I drank the whole bottle...now things are just fine (funny wine quote)
_____Facebook is perfect for those of us who don't have the attention span for books... Or relationships... Or hygiene. (funny Facebook quote)
_____Never use the phrase "elephant in the room" when fat chicks are present. (funny fat chick quote)
_____Do i know any joke about odium bromate? Na Bro.
_____As far as Google is  concerned, if you Google something and it's not on the first page, it doesn't exist. (funny Google quote)
_____Remember this Christmas; "it's not the gift, it's the thought that counts." So, just know that I gave a lot of thought to the gift I was never going to give you. (funny Christmas quote)
_____For Christmas i Wish i could wrap mondays up and give them out to shitty people as gifts (funny Christmas quote, funny quote about Monday)
_____I had a talk with my friend about the past, the present and the future.. it was tense (funny tense quote)
_____I am totally done with Match.com.. this is the last time they try to fix me up with my ex-husband. (funny dating quote)
_____The person above my post likes to be on top (top funny quote)
_____Windows asked me to put in a new password, and i put in penis. It told me to come up with a new fucking joke.
_____That was the LONGEST status EVER!..............................................................but I "liked" anyway because you're hot. And, NO, I didn't read it.(funny status)
_____Don't mistake my silence for a weakness. Most likely I'll be silent farting, and you dont want that (funny farting quote)
_____Desperate times leads to drunken decisions.
_____You're amazing.. just the way you aren't.
_____I don't like your status. I love it! But there's no love button so fuck it. (funny Love quote)
_____You are such a hoot! And by hoot I mean whore. (funny whore quote)

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25 Funny Quotes

____To stay as my kids leading role model, I changed the covers of their "Superheros" comic books, to pics of ME with the title of, "below average and happy"
_____Life's all about knowing how long to wait before liking someone's new status so they don't find out that you're stalking them. (funny life  
quote)
_____I have way better statuses then all of you here... I'm just too selfish to share any of them with you (funny facebook status)
_____None of your statuses are original..they are just statuses I haven’t thought of yet (funny status)
_____I can't understand why some people take "I hope you die a horrible and painful death, you fat, ugly twat" so personally (hilarious quote)
_____They say my dear that "absence make the heart grow fonder"........so what I am trying to say is.....get the f**k away from me (funny quote)
_____My phone keeps saying "out of service area" when in my lap. It's starting to sound a LOT like my ex-girlfriend
_____Oh I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was too busy imagining you sitting on my face
_____I wish I had tits so people would at least act like they give a shit about what I say.
_____I'm going to sit here and wink at you. It's going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story
_____I don't like to send friend requests to anyone unless we have 30 or more friends in common, so if you still receive a request from me, you've got tits
_____I just couldn't wait to get here for thanksgiving so I can hear what everyone will say about why they're thankful for me (funny thanksgiving quote)
_____asked the gf what she wants for her bday, she said "Something that comes from the heart"...I dont think Blood is a proper bday present though
_____always thought patience comes with age

went to a hospital and realised patients comes with age
_____ It’s so cold I can’t even feel my penis…. Oh sorry dude I thought that was mine (funny cold quote)
_____ I am optimist.. you guys are half full of shit (funny optimist quote)
_____ It’s not easy being that humble when you have no flaws
_____ If I could just make one thing very clear at this point..................................... I would.
_____ ‎98% of all problems can be fixed with the common household hammer
_____ I can't believe I just spent 15 seconds of my life writing this useless status. Worse yet is the fact that I spend hours reading YOURS
_____ Sometimes when I’m having dinner I fantasize about other dinners
_____ Seriously I’ve been on facebook for quite a time and I’ve seen everything at least twice..even this status (funny status)
_____ My therapist told me that I have an ego problem…. oh yeah she wants me
_____ I'm not a hypocrite, I just want to punch people in the face so they don't make the same mistakes that I did
_____ I have huge balls - A bowler. (funny cricket quote)

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24 Funny Quotes

____No, officer. I don't need a phone call, but could I update my fb to "it's complicated"? (funny cop quote)
_____My car broke down today. I didn't even know it was depressed :(
_____thinks she who laughs first has the dirtiest mind!! ;)
_____there is an unwritten rule that
_____The only people you'll have problems within life are the people who you allow to be problems.
_____Please, I'll only put it in for a minute and I'll remove it quickly ~ Me talking to Microwave.
_____There are 2 things that really drive me insane, hypocrites (funny hypocrites quote)
_____My wife had a day off and I came home and ask her if she thought the vacuum cleaner would run itself. That's when it hit me.
_____I hate when people tell me how to do my job,...........................especially my boss. (funny boss quote)
_____It's hard to get over a girl, especially when she likes being on top.
_____I can count my real friends on one hand and my enemies on one middle finger
_____it's just a “like”, it's not like your donating a kidney!
_____Every time you block me, I find 36 new ways to stalk you.
_____people say: "It's NOT the size of the boat, but the motion in the ocean." But, Do you really want to go to Hawaii in a dingy OR a Luxury Cruise Ship?
_____ACTING bad is a moment....BEING bad is an addiction.
_____Way to disappoint me, pretty girls with horrible teeth.
_____I can't wait 'til I'm rich enough to throw things away that accidentally fall in the toilet... like my girlfriends toothbrush.
_____Whenever you use a hotel towel to wash your face try not to think about the fact that thousands of people have dried their asses with it.
_____I just watched a film casted entirely by midgets. It was pretty short. (funny midget quote)
_____If you accept a penny for your thoughts, not only are you a philosophical prostitute, you're not a good one.
_____I decorated the Christmas tree with the kids today. I still haven't figured out how to get them down (funny Christmas quote)
_____‎"I want you to make love to me right this minute." - every girl I've never met.
_____You're mean- says mean people.
_____Took years to admit it, but my uncle really does take the sexiest photos of me.
_____is very good at things people normally get sent to mental asylum for. ;)
_____I miss being in Love. At least that's what I think her name was. (funny love quote)

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