27 New Funny and Hilarious Facebook Status Updates

_______Eats my cereal in a cup and my cup of noodles in a bowl because I'm a rebel like that

_______I'm deleting the word common sense out of the dictionary because it just doesn't exist.

_______If you hide me in your news feed might as well unfriend me too.

_______They say 'fake it till you make it'. This panel interview has been going downhill from the second I told them I'm not 'really' a Harvard MBA Graduate.

_______If she's pretty and single.................she's a f**king psycho.

_______Of course I wouldn't touch you with a 10 foot pole, I would imagine that a 10 foot pole would be heavy and unwieldy to try to maneuver

_______I always yell at Chinese people walking their dogs because it's rude to play with your food.

_______I'm still on MySpace because, hey! I'm no quitter.

_______I wish I was this incredibly hilarious in real life.

_______What with everyone coming out of the closet nowadays, I find it ironic that the one place that homophobes might feel 'safe' nowadays is in the closet.

_______I'm gonna put a maxi pad on your mouth because they absorb odors in seconds.

_______Roman numerals are stupid. Trust me, my X was not a 10

_______My boyfriend said he didn't want to see me anymore so I stabbed his eyes out.

_______Sometimes I click 'like' because I like your post. Other times, I click 'like' because your post is like every other post I've ever seen.

_______I have decided I'm not going to focus on my past any more. So if I owe you money, tough shit...

_______I know that Lucky Charms are magically delicious.......But I think mushrooms would give them a run for their money.

_______I don't think that you are responsible enough to have a puppy until you have raised at least 2 children....

_______Whenever I run into an ex....I try to make sure no one else is around...because I pay ENOUGH for car insurance.

_______You know you're getting older when you start singing along to the songs in a grocery store.

_______I think I should have just kept you as my fantasy....you were better that way..

_______How to get rich, but not have a job..... Crap, this isn't Google search

_______I'm not a professional astronaut... but I can wear a fish-bowl on my head and do the moon walk for like an hour and half.

_______When I call you at 2am to ask "What you are up to"...you can safely assume that TALKING is the LAST thing I want to do.

_______Snitches get stitches....which also means that they APPARENTLY get a better insurance provider than me.

_______Balanism becomes a right pain in the a** after a while.

_______Telling a man that you want to have his baby...is a tender and romantic way...of letting that chatty mini mart cashier know...you are DONE talking.

_______Whenever I am driving past a school bus stop packed with kids...I ALWAYS make sure to slow down...cause I will BE DAMNED if I don't get asked to prom at least ONCE before I die.

_______Falling in love with someone you CAN'T have..is a GREAT indicator that you are visiting the WRONG human trafficking website.

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_______I always knew I had something special that attracts women towards others men

_______I correct your spelling in my head while you're talking.

_______"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." ~ people who have never seen a jumping spider probably

_______I almost made it the entire day without washing my hair under the Slurpee machine at 7-11.

_______Every year my clothes seem to shrink while simply hanging in the closet.

_______Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.

_______I reckon I must have said ''I don't give a f**k'' in my head at least twenty times today.

_______Marriage is like this post... which is also stupid.

_______You certainly seem to have an inordinate amount of drama in your life for a person who spends 15 hours a day on Facebook....

_______If I have learned anything from personal experience, it's that I haven't learned anything from personal experience.

_______If I had known that the carhops at Sonic could skate that fast I would have never stolen my lunch!

_______I'm sorry I ate your Packers cheesehead hat... I think it's pretty self explanatory.

_______Now I totally get it Doors. Break on through to the other side was about single ply toilet paper right

_______Girl you gotta be a tube of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls...cause you make me wanna bang you on the counter

_______The best part to being unemployed is getting to hangout with all of the senior citizens doing cross word puzzles at McDonald's in the morning.

_______Catch a grenade for you? Step in front of a train for you? Bruno Mars isn't being romantic.He is showing signs of being suicidal.

_______If anyone tells you that you put too much Parmesan cheese on your pasta, ignore them. You do not need that kind of negativity in your life.

_______Me and my girlfriend had an argument last night when I dropped an ice cube and kicked it under the icebox. Now things are OK because it's just water under the fridge.

_______Have I told you about this incident where I am awesome and everyone else is a b!tch?   ~ how a lot of people should start describing their stories!

_______It's like no one cares that I spent all weekend making a Lincoln Log house out of dried up dog poop.

_______I plead the 5th..... For you. I'm begging you to just shut up!

_______You know, you can tell me anything, I never listen to you anyway so it won't make any difference what you say.

_______I'm a member of an Asian gang... or more commonly known as...a study group.

_______Whenever my kids drink out of my water bottle, I never look at it the same again.

_______This one time, I spent like eighteen hours watching a fly putting in contact lenses.

_______I wonder is it possible to be orgasmed to death...

_______I have a feeling that whoever coined the phrase "it's what's on the inside that matters" was talking about drug mules.

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_______I made a list of people who can kiss my a** and you are on it. Twice

 _______If you can't teach your friend's kid to say bad things, you need better friends.

 _______I call it love, she calls it stalking. Can't we just agree to disagree?

 _______I don't like people talking about be behind my back, unless he's really hot, calling my name and pulling my hair..

 _______I bought a smartphone today. And it came with unlimited 'Staring at your phone to avoid contact with other people' minutes.

 _______I bought a gun because I heard looks can kill, I need to defend myself from my ugly looking neighbors.

 

_______I'm not fat, I'm just big boned. Who am I kidding, I'm just glad my small brittle bones haven't broke under the weight of all this fat.

 _______You should be happy when there's a fat person on your flight. In cases of emergency we can be used as flotation devices.

 _______I like my kisses down low....

 _______I like to pretend my hand is yours when I'm touching myself.

 _______I'm going to eat her cat, if you know what I mean.

 _______I don't take crap from anybody because well if you handed me crap that's pretty gross....weirdo

 _______My father ran out on us when I was just a little girl. I suppose that's what happens when your mum marries a battery.

_______I reckon I can tolerate most anything ... but that caps lock thing has got to go.

_______BREAKING NEWS: I found some dignity. If no one claims it in 24 hours, I'm keeping it.

_______Ladies; you need to practice giving head frequently if you really wanna suckseed.

_______I have never seen so many people proud to have haters in all my life..

_______I hate it when people use the phrase "Back in my day."... It's just so "old school."

_______My mom don't understand me! My dad don't understand me! Even my sister don't........... oh wait! Wrong house! I don't have a sister.

_______Stealing statuses is the sincerest form of internet flattery. With that being said, I'm damn tired of flattering all of you people and nobody flattering me back!

_______Whatever gas tank quit your whining. I've been empty inside for years.

_______Kinda hard for me to tell anymore, if I'm on 'The Food Network Channel' or Facebook! :(

_______I want to find a girl who loves me for my money..... but doesn't understand math...

_______I'd imagine doing yoga is like changing your clothes in the backseat of a compact car.

_______I'm about to make the biggest announcement of my life..........Nah. Changed my mind.

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______I'm not a professional helicopter pilot... but I can strap myself to a ceiling fan and spin around on the highest setting for like 45 minutes.

 

_______I always look the other way when my dog does "his business" 'cause, you know, he needs a little privacy while he pays bills and takes care of his banking and stuff.

 

_______I'm going to walk a mile in my own shoes thank you very much.

 

_______As I stood there recording my microwave meal, I suddenly realised that 'remove cardboard and film' meant something else....

 

________Too many human piñatas, and me without a bat...

 

________It's a beautiful day to go outside and stare at your phone.

 

________I tried to order "The Ultimate Dallas Cowboys Fan Guide" off of Amazon to give to a friend. A message from Amazon popped up that said "customers who bought this product also bought "How to Act Like a Total Douche for Dummies."

 

________You know you're gonna have a interesting day when you place both contacts in the same eye, and then realize that you don't even wear contacts.

 

________ENOUGH WITH THE RAINBOWS! You're gay, we get it!

 

________Jehovah's Witnesses don't like it when they ask if you have a relationship with God and you say, "Only when I'm having an orgasm''

 

 

________They say "its the thought that counts", I don't think my bank understands the concept.

 

 

________You know that feeling you get when you KNOW you are about to get laid? Can someone describe that to me? I heard it was pretty exciting.

 

________Two things that will always be there for you when you fall, the ground and the floor.

 

________where I'm from, if walks like a duck and talks like a duck, we steal it.

 

________They say a lady should look at herself in the mirror before going out and remove one piece of jewellery. For me, it was always my wedding ring.....

 

________If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.

 

________I think it's nice that we have this day to to recognize, and celebrate fools, because there are so bloody many of them.

 

________If you see a porcupine in your yard, don't panic, that's just my cat. We're not done with our acupuncture session yet, so I'd be much obliged if you'd return him.

 

________You know you're about to have an interesting day when you look out the window and see a SWAT team and TV news crews barricading off the street in front of your house.

 

________This one time... I skipped school for like 12 years.

 

________Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram

 

________To be or not to be, that is........ Not a question at all. More like an ambiguous statement. William Shakespeare was obviously smoking something.

 

________Please don't go out in shorts if your circulatory system is visible...

 

________remember the time I watched you shower? ..of course you don't.

 

______If you carry on speaking after using the expression 'needless to say...', I will attempt to dislocate your jaw with my elbow.

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_______Just had to take the walk of shame... I'm now regretting having worn these f**king flip flops.

_______Whenever I hear a rap artist say "Do you know what time it is?"... deep inside I don't, but I act like I do.

_______Girl scout cookies make you fat, Thats why I just eat the thin mints.

_______The morning after pill.....is actually made of crushed up coat hangers......

_______You remember when you were little, how you used to pop the heads off the dandelions? (you know you did that)..... I wish I could do that to some people today.

_______My 14 year old just came home from school and told me they learned about the Greek god Herpes today in school...guess I should cross Harvard off of potential schools.

_______You know times are hard when daylight wants to borrow an hour on credit and pay it back 8 months later.

_______This would have been a good day to be a dog. I saw several butts I would like to have sniffed.

_______Whenever I visit someone in a hospital I always bring them fruit, fluff their pillows and steal their meds.

_______‎"Your grammar is perfect, your logic is flawless and I enjoy exclusively to thoughts of you"... an example of a perfect comment I've yet to receive....

_______I'd like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I'll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don't (you know why).

_______i guess i'm not so ready for a zombie apocalypse after all i just freaked out cause there was a spider really close to my chair

_______Through Facebook profile pictures I learned that many of the people I went to school with have morphed into cats, fish and cars.

_______I'm writing a book for linonophobes, which I'm giving away for free. No strings attached.

_______ When writing, lok out for lipography.

_______If you sit near the door, and can run fast enough, there IS such a thing as a free lunch.

_______Don't just assume anything...unless it's the position.

_______I'm looking for a strong, good man with naughty thoughts who's willing to get his hands dirty.... currently taking applications ....

_______I signed up for one of those online instant muscle building courses and sure enough in no time I was ripped...  ...off.

_______Don't get mad at me for peeing in your pool. I'm pretreating the jellyfish stings...oh...you have no jellyfish well how would I know that?

_______I just saw a cute old man struggling to get his suitcase on the elevator. I had to take the f**kin' stairs because that shit was taking forever.

_______Aaarghhh !!! every time I pour a round of drinks, it goes all over the place...Im sick of it....also I need glasses.

_______Not to be nitpicky, but for the sake of accuracy, your stupid inspirational Helen Keller quotes should probably include a f**k ton of typos.

_______ If you own one pair of Crocs... you own too many Crocs.

_______Don't let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.

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