17 Funny,Witty,Cool,Clever and Hilarious Facebook Status Updates

_______They say a change is around the corner and they were right. I turned the corner of this building and fall into a deep deep hole. (funny change status)
_______I just got gas. So I drove to the gas station to let everyone know what I think of the gas prices. (funny gasoline status)
_______If at first you don't succeed......Just say "f**k it" and move on to something else. 
_______I'm not saying I'm lazy, but I've started to only fight 'downhill' battles.
_______If I can't be the first one to like a status then I don't because I am a leader not a follower (funny Facebook status)
_______You know how people say "Hurry up and tell me! The suspense is killing me!"?
Well, you're not going to believe what else I found out today... (funny suspense status)
_______If there's one thing I've learned from watching Saturday morning cartoons... it's to always carry a short bamboo stick in case you get attacked by a swarm of bees, you can jump into a pond and still breathe. (funny cartoons status)
_______This wonderful dinner I just ate at this exquisite restaurant tastes like I'm gonna be locked up for not being able to pay for the check! (funny dinner status)
_______When I see a girl with a whole lot of makeup on, I want to use my finger & write "WASH ME" on her face. (funny status about girls makeup)

_______Good News guys! I'm an official member of the neighborhood watch, I'll be able to get my drug cartel up and running without interference :D (hilarious status update)
_______You poke me like you know me (funny poke status)
_______So I beat up a guy who likes to reply with 'K' to every message. Don't worry, he's k. (annoying status)
_______When people say "you're just not right" that's a compliment, isn't it?.... I'm thinking it is...
_______I always keep my middle finger well manicured because it's the one people see the most. (hilarious sarcastic status)
_______Why don't you put on some lipstick so it will be pretty when you kiss my a**...
_______I wish I could travel faster than the speed of sound. Then I couldn't hear all the things that my wife wants me to do today  (funny status about wife)
_______i really love all my friends on facebook :)........i mean.......it doesn't even bother me that you are all so ugly! (funny status about Facebook friends)
_______Considering the fact that my phone just autocorrected "hug" to "huh", you tell me how my personal life is going.

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16 Funny,Witty,Cool,Clever and Hilarious Facebook Status Updates

_______I was out job hunting and I took a break at the park. Glad I did. I found your mom and she gave me one (sarcastic status)

_______Google+ is now the fannypack of the internet. (google+ status)

_______You see, I don't take orders from anyone....and that's another reason why my Restaurant is closed. (hilarious status)

_______The only time I ever go postal is when I have something to mail.

_______When I'm pissed off I like to exhale my cigarette smoke through my nose because it makes me feel like a dragon, like every moment to be exact

_______I think it's a bit unfair to call me arrogant. I'd like to see how you fare, making your way through life without a single thing to be modest about.

_______Never give up on your dreams, and never let anyone tell you there's something you can't do. Because, you know, you're already enough of a whiny little b!tch as it is. (funny dream status)

_______Avoid the awkward silence on a first date by asking her if she wants to see the coat you made from human skin (funny awkward status)

_______I hate that I'm not invited to things that I would never go to anyway. (funny hate status)

_______Nothing brings forth my creative genius more than being stuck in the middle of nowhere with a craving for a cigarette and no lighter handy. (funny genius status)

_______I'm a little worried that my crotch has been burning lately.....I guess that just means someone has been talking about it

_______I don't always post negative... but when I do, only sum of you will know the difference. (funny tricky status)

_______My wife is leaving me because I am apparently too apologetic, ........well 'I'm sorry' that's just how I am! (funny wife status)

_______This morning I asked my doctor why I still keep imagining I'm a telephone.  He wouldn't answer me.

_______Woke up late for work again... they were like "Sir, guns and alcohol are not allowed and for the last time, you do not work here!" (funny work status)

_______I don't always personalise my status updates, but when I do it's because f**k you, short-sighted early-morning jogging man. And f**k your dog too.

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15 Funny,Witty,Hilarious,Cool and Clever Facebook Status Updates

_______This year has taught me that to become very successful in the music industry you only need to be fat, korean and have your own dance moves. (funny music status)

_______As Men I think we should unite and stand up for this injustice... When they advertise toothpaste they show teeth, when they advertise shampoo the show hair, makeup they show face, BUT when they advertise tampons(sanitar pads) they do not show anything... The suspense is UNFAIR...  (hilarious status)

_______If winding up every egg timer and alarm clock in Red Dot is wrong I don't ever wanna be right... 

_______I wanted to tell my leper neighbor what I really thought of him.....but I was afraid he would just go to pieces.... (funny status about neighbor)

_______"Let me introduce you to the next big thing" - an insensitive meeting coordinator at Overeaters Anonymous (hilarious status)

_______I really hope that the first thing I hear on the 21st isn't an Adele song (funny status about Adele)

_______I bet Kevin Bacon refers to his junk as bacon bits

_______It's not illegal to shoot pigs with birds out of a slingshot... as long as you make them angry first. (funny angry pigs status)

_______I've never had any professional dance training... but I can strap myself to the ceiling fan and spin around on the highest setting for like 20 minutes. (funny dance status)

_______Long term effects of drug use- I cant remember what I did a month ago. Short term effects- I can't remember what I just said the long term effects are (funny drugs status)

_______Since hops and barley are technically plants that makes me a herbivore not an alcoholic (funny alcoholic status)

_______I must be getting old because the list of things that annoy me or piss me off seems to be getting longer every day... (funny pissed status)

_______I am trying to think of something special to get my wife for Christmas but it is really rare because she already has me... (funny status for Christmas)

_______If you microwave a burrito for 1 minute it is still frozen in the center. If you cook the next one for 1 minute and 10 seconds you get third degree burns in your mouth. Well played microwave, well played (funny microwave status)

________The nice thing about being an a**hole is no one asks you to do them a favor... (funny annoying status)

________It's still not too late to send me a huge donation to secure your place in Heaven before the world ends.... (funny end of the world status)

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14 Funny,Witty,Cool,Clever and Hilarious Facebook Statuses

_______I've got a time machine...I get in and it takes me 7 hours into the future...I call it... bed.... (funny bed status)
_______I'm truly amazed that the quietest people have the loudest opinions! Me talking to myself in the mirror.  (funny quiet status)
_______In 2013, my first status update on Facebook will be "is anyone alive?" (funny 21 December world ending status)
_______Some guy wanted to fight me..... I said "I'm a lover, not a fighter!!!". Well, long story short, I should have said I'm a fighter  (funny Love status)
_______I believe in hunting everything I eat...Yesterday, I shot a chicken quesadilla...

_______I would like to thank my legs for always supporting me, my arms for being by my side and my fingers and toes because I can always count on them (hilarious status)
_______I love those "Choose your adventure" books because my two favorite things are reading and blaming myself for bad decisions. (funny adventure status)
_______I think I need to return my GPS because it's defective...no matter what it can't help me find easy street (funny GPS status)
_______When I see blokes writing Single and ready to mingle... I think Naaa mate you're just a Loner with a Boner. (funny single status)
_______Knowing my luck, my dentist will probably try to tell me I have the kind of teeth that need to be brushed every day. (funny dentist status)
_______Was at the gym today in case you're wondering how dedicated I am in getting you to want every inch of me.... (funny gym status)
_______Just when I thought there was hope for mankind,I go on Youtube,only to discover that 8 million people has so far seen a 10s econd clip of Justin Bieber throwing up on stage... (funny Bieber status)
_______From now on when I see a relationship status change to married, I will offer my condolences. (funny marriage status)
_______My coworker didn't like it when i put an odor eater in his mouth while he was talking. Ungrateful sob
_______Got a parking ticket yesterday. Apparently "FINE FOR PARKING" doesn't mean 'fine' for parking... (funny parking status)

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13 Funny,Witty,Hilarious and Clever Facebook Statuses

_______It brought happy tears to my eyes when I heard my child crying at 3 am and asking for his mom and not for me  (funny lovely status)

_______a mysterious hole has been found in my lesbians neighbours wall............me and a couple friends are looking into it  (funny status about lesbians)

_______My first memory was 9 months before I was born. I went to this crazy party with dad and left with mom :P   (crazy funny status)

_______I'm hungry and broke. And all I've got left is news-feed.

_______It's just dawned on me that I'm becoming increasingly tired of being me. Something needs to break before I break it myself.  (funny break status)

_______Am I the only one who suddenly flies into a violent rage for no apparent reason, or does it happen to you t... AARGH! TO HELL WITH THIS SH!T!  (funny rage status)

_______Please do not assume that the fact that I'm better than you in every imaginable way means that I have a superiority complex. It irritates me when plebeians do that.

_______Deciding to wake up this morning was not one of my wisest decisions. My hair hurts.

_______It's so cute when I see people holding hands and kissing in public... but when I try to do it, they just point and scream "Bad Man" then call the cops! (funny loving making status)

_______I feel that i lost something but I don't know if it's my car keys or my sense of humor (humorous status)

_______So I said to my boss “How are you?” and he said “Good, how are you?” & I said “Good, how are you?’ and then he asked me if I was high.  (funny high status)

_______Guys who learn from their past mistakes gets two things: 1) Experience. 2) Girlfriends

_______Being single is awesome. I do what I want, I say what I want, and I sleep with who ever will let me. (funny being single status)

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