16 Funny,Witty,Cool,Clever and Hilarious Facebook Status Updates

_______I was out job hunting and I took a break at the park. Glad I did. I found your mom and she gave me one (sarcastic status)
_______Google+ is now the fannypack of the internet. (google+ status)
_______You see, I don't take orders from anyone....and that's another reason why my Restaurant is closed. (hilarious status)
_______The only time I ever go postal is when I have something to mail.
_______When I'm pissed off I like to exhale my cigarette smoke through my nose because it makes me feel like a dragon, like every moment to be exact
_______I think it's a bit unfair to call me arrogant. I'd like to see how you fare, making your way through life without a single thing to be modest about.
_______Never give up on your dreams, and never let anyone tell you there's something you can't do. Because, you know, you're already enough of a whiny little b!tch as it is. (funny dream status)
_______Avoid the awkward silence on a first date by asking her if she wants to see the coat you made from human skin (funny awkward status)
_______I hate that I'm not invited to things that I would never go to anyway. (funny hate status)
_______Nothing brings forth my creative genius more than being stuck in the middle of nowhere with a craving for a cigarette and no lighter handy. (funny genius status)
_______I'm a little worried that my crotch has been burning lately.....I guess that just means someone has been talking about it
_______I don't always post negative... but when I do, only sum of you will know the difference. (funny tricky status)
_______My wife is leaving me because I am apparently too apologetic, ........well 'I'm sorry' that's just how I am! (funny wife status)
_______This morning I asked my doctor why I still keep imagining I'm a telephone.  He wouldn't answer me.
_______Woke up late for work again... they were like "Sir, guns and alcohol are not allowed and for the last time, you do not work here!" (funny work status)
_______I don't always personalise my status updates, but when I do it's because f**k you, short-sighted early-morning jogging man. And f**k your dog too.

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