_______A good relationship is less about having stuff in common and more about you letting me have some of your fries.
_______I hate it when I wake up from taking a nap, come downstairs, then say,"That smells delicious! What's for dinner?!" and they say, "What the hell are you doing in my house."
_______Funny how women can put on makeup, drive and not get in a wreck, but men will look at women putting on makeup and get in a wreck.
_______Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. "Will the defendant please rise".
_______Postnatal depression is a serious condition. My mom still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
_______I don't know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I'm looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
_______I'm not too concerned about this coup in Thailand, most Thai things finish with a happy ending.
_______I often find myself rewording a post so many times that it completely loses the original subject. This one started off about a cat.
_______I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender.
_______Hey, does anyone know which side you're supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
_______My performance with my girlfriend last night was amazing. It lasted like 45 minutes! Then I finally gave in and admitted she was right.
_______That time I did give a f**k but you thought I didn't was only because it was buffering.
_______Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make everything all your fault.
_______The GM vs. Ford debate continues as they now compete to see who can recall the most vehicles.
_______When you see something being advertised as "under $20!" get ready to pay $19.99.
_______ Such a relief when things I've been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it's too late.
_______Kids today have it so easy... None of them understand the anger and disappointment of when the net on The Mouse Trap game didn't fall down.
_______The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. --people who have no understanding of tension, thickness, or cutlery.
_______If it ain't broke give it to my co-worker and it will be....beyond repair.
_______I 'm not a professional ventriloquist... but I can throw a silent fart in public and hold my breath for like 7 minutes.
_______When you see only one set of footprints, know that I unfollowed you. -Jesus Christ on Twitter..
_______Republicans, democrats and liberals are all tolerant as long as you completely agree with them.
_______Just got a lottery ticket. I t said match to win, so I lit one and burned the place down.
_______Sometimes you come across a status which is so heartfelt, meaningful and touching that you just have to share it with everyone else. This isn't one of them, so you might as well just keep scrolling.
_______Legs is the key word of the day! Spread the word!
_______Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open a FB account and remove all doubt.
_______ Am I...are we... is this a date? *elevator opens & she leaves*
_______This Customs officer just asked me if I had anything to declare, 'I have nothing to declare but my genius.' Instead of telling me where I can stick it I think he is going to put it there for me.
_______I'm sorry, but I don't care how serious your argument is. If somebody accidentally rhymes, you need to point that sh*t out.
_______Dear Crush, I wanna be the reason a stranger at the gas station whispers to you, "Ma'am there's someone hiding in your backseat"
_______They say 'the truth hurts'. They say 'truth shall set you free'. The truth is starting to sound a lot like my ex-girlfriend, who kicked me in the nuts then dumped me.
_______I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn't mine.
_______A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money... but I am always reassured by the fact that I don't have any money...or a girlfriend.
_______ After watching 3 coworkers try and fail to change the toner in the copier, the boss made an executive decision....to just put an "out of order" sign on it. Guess that's why he makes the big bucks.
_______You can turn anything into a compliment if you're delusional enough.
_______I don't get into the whole "Mondays suck" thing. I hate all work days equally.
_______FINANCIAL FACT: If you don't actually open your bills, you don't have to pay them.
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