_______Apparently playing "YMCA" while DJing the amputee support group dinner wasn't very well received.
_______Now I'm not saying my girlfriend is unstable, but she sat her cat down last night and made it watch a PETA video with her to show him how good his life was. (funny quote about girlfriend and life)
_______Someday I'm gonna be rich enough to have my own facebook group ;p (funny status for Facebook)
_______Did you know that if you mix Tea and coffee together, it doesn't taste like Toffee. (funny stupid quote)
_______I like to learn as much as I can about a girl before asking her out, but these nights sleeping in a tree outside her window have been rough! (funny quote about stalking girl)
_______I am so proud of myself. I have not made one typo all day. (funny typo quotes)
_______You mean the world to me, I would be so lost without you, I think about you all day, every day, you taught me what true love is, you complete me tuna fish sammich with lettuce, tomato, swiss, pickles on toast, I love you........ (funny quotes about Love)
_______I am hereby nominating myself for the Facebook Humanitarian Award... for the multitude of times I have bitten my tongue, and chose to not post a searing, apt comment in reply to some of the inane, tasteless and downright stupid posts I've encountered... (great funniest quote status for Facebook)
_______I TRULY, don't care, if YOU, "like".... My POSTS or not..... (funny Facebook post)
_______I love my music loud. It makes people STFU! (awesome sarcastic quote)
_______on a scale of 1 to 10, the answer of how much would I like to meet you is NO (funniest insulting quote)
_______80 years in a life time....now math that shit up. Most people work 8 hours a day....most people sleep 8 hours a night....that leaves 8 hours of YOU time, oh wait, minus 1 hour on the way to work, and 1 hour on the way home....so 6 hours a day of free time....that translates to only 13 years of life you actually live....DISGUSTING, isn't it? (disgusting life quotes)
_______So, Barack Obama is in favor of gay marriages. This isn't surprising considering the fact that he's already f**ked us all (funny presidential debate quotes)
_______I hate it when I want a drink of water but am too lazy to get a cup so I just turn the kitchen faucet on and drink straight from the tap and then stand up and bust my scalp open on the kitchen cabinet.......again! (nice funny quote)
_______These gangsters that hang outside my place really make my neighborhood feel unsafe..... Old people can be such troublemakers! (funny gangster quote)
_______When I love someone, I love them forever and never them go.......Just ask the woman in my basement (funny quote about Love)
_______I went to the doctor today with severe headaches. He asked me if I'd suffer any memory loss. How the hell would I know? (funny memory loss quote)
_______It has been so long since I trained a puppy, I am actually gonna have to call my ex-girlfriend to see how I got her to behave in public. (funny quotes about ex)
_______You know, some of you are actually quite attractive. If I didn't read your timelines I'd have no idea why you were single. (funny quote status about single friends)
_______I like my napkin placed on my lap just so.. so it catches all my missed hopes and dreams..... (quote about hopes and dreams)
_______God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things... Right now I am so far behind I will probably live to be 200. (clever funny quote)
_______Live your life how you want, but remember that you're doing everything wrong if someone on the internet says so. (funny living life quotes)
_______i don't like when people assume i have a heart, soul and dignity.. Misconceptions people develop.. (quotes about soul dignity)
_______In an effort to not intimidate people with my perpetual brilliance and dazzling wit, this status update is intentionally shite. You're welcome. (brilliant funny quotes)
_______If I like your status, consider yourself hugged.... (funny romantic status)
_______If you are wondering where the funny people went I was at lunch (funny people quote)
_______My rib cage is very near and dear to my heart. (funny quote about heart)
_______I avoid apathy, boredom, doldrums, dullness, ennui, flatness, irksomeness, monotony, sameness, tediousness, tedium and weariness through the examination, inspection, perusal, review, scrutiny and study of my thesaurus. (awesome funny thesaurus quotes)
_______I just thought of something that really sucks.How are you? (best sarcastic quote status)
_______Just a note of warning: Do not forget the "L" when you google Grandfather Clock" (hilarious joke)
_______Better check up stairs to make sure (___) is not supplying the Y chromosome for your next brother (sarcastic insulting punch line)
_______I am a GREAT LEADER..........................................to the path of destruction!!! (funny leader quotes)
_______Those people that likes people comments under my posts and don't like my post......yeah you.........f the hell off!!
_______If you don't want to get it 'on', then why the hell did you make eye contact ? (funny quote about eye contact)
_______I am not afraid of the storms that life throws my way for I am learning to sail my ship and I know I can seek refuge in the safe harbor of our friendship. (nice friendship quote)
_______The best thing about working tomorrow is I don't have to (funny quote for sunday)
_______'hello, can i help you?' No, i just stood in the line for 30 minutes to say 'Hi.' (funny help quote)
_______People who exercise often live longer, but those extra years are spent in the gym so really, what's the point (funny quote about gym exercise)
_______A girl told me I am cute like a puppy, so I humped her leg and bit her. (funny puppy quote)
_______The best way to have a friend is to be a friend. This is why I have no friends. (friends quote)
_______I post to inspire. So to the seven people who read my posts... I hope I inspired you to drop kick a midget or someone you hate, but hopefully a midget, cause that would be funnier.
_______My vodka just told me to smoke some weed, so I'm gonna... because my vodka has never steered me wrong. :) (funny vodka quote)
_______Women, not all guys that talk to you just because they want to get in your pants... Sometimes they want to get in your friend's pants. (funny pants quote)
_______There comes a time in every man's life when he has to stand up for what he believes in. My time has come. I shall stand up. And go to bed. (funniest inspiring quote)
_______We really need to start using this page for something more important... There are many critical issues in this world and we owe it to ourselves, to our communities, to our very SOCIETY to have intelligent discussions on relevant topics... So, with all this in mind... What's your opinion on b job ...
_______If you love something and it doesn't love you back, let it go under a tire. (quotes about LOVE)
_______I haven't got her number yet, but she likes my statuses a lot! (funny Facebook status)
_______Just sitting here quietly, looking out the window at a lone bird soaring in the sky, wondering to myself, what would happen if I died. Where would you get your witty statuses from.... (hilarious witty quotes statuses)
_______Attitude is everything. F**k off. (hilarious attitude quote)
_______So I am staying with this very beautiful one-in-a-billion girl, pretty eyes, always smiling. She cooks and cleans, makes me sammich, never argues with me. Her parents named her IMAGINARY. (hilarious imaginary girlfriend status)
_______There,they're and their are constantly being misused.to help people figure it out keep this in mind... See them hot chicks over THERE.I think THEY'RE sexy.I wish THEIR clothes would fall off (funniest awesomest quote status for Facebook)
_______I always put periods in my posts... So the ladies don't feel left out and the gentleman know when to take a pause. (hilarious quote about period )
_______who over here is 36-24-36?? Coz i will be hunting you down and probably feed u McD till you put some weight..! Malnourished b!tches! (funny figure quotes)
_______Isn't it shocking how quickly a seemingly innocent-looking status can suddenly change into a bastardly vulgar shit-monster peppered with mother f**king profanity? (witty status for Facebook)
_______Not everything I laugh at is necessarily funny. I just find it quicker and easier than explaining to people why they're complete and utter twats (best sarcastic insulting quotes)
_______A hot chick caught me watching her eat a banana, so she took a vicious bite out of it and spit it on the ground. I gave her the thumbs up. (hilarious eating a banana quote status)
_______My heart is just as delicate as your balls. We don't want them getting hurt now do we (hilarious quote about heart)
_______I've been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it's all your fault.