Funny Relationship Facebook Status Updates

______When your single, all you see are happy couples. When you’re in a relationship you wonder what the hell all those couples were so happy about.

______I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships. Well played future wife. You win this round.

______I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn't mine.

______X, sometimes I think you're not taking our pretend relationship seriously.

______Relationship Status: I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really sure, but was too worried to ask.

______After 2 years, I gave him the whole "where is this relationship going" speech, he just stared at me blankly, then said, "look lady, I just make your coffee"

______Relationships are hard because men are like "You're hot. Can we do butt stuff yet?" and women are like "Its been 3 days and you haven't married me yet"

______Relationship Status: we made our marriage counselor cry.

______Seeking woman with macro-mania for intimate relationship.

______I always give women flowers after we've gone out for a week or two.... Only because they usually need cheering up at that point in our relationship.

______I thought I had met "the one" last night. She met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Then when I wanted to take our relationship to the next level she was suddenly a “waitress” who was “doing her job?” I mean seriously, what the hell?!

______Me and my boyfriend split up because we were in different places in our relationship. I was at his brothers.

______Most people want a perfect relationship.. I just want a Subway sammich that looks like the ones in commercials.

______I've been single for so long, Facebook took the "in a relationship" option away from me.

______For all you ladies who like to take it slow in a relationship, I'm your man. One time I took it so slow the girl didn't even know we were going out.

______I always maintain a great relationship with my lesbian friends.... you never know when you are going to need work done on your car engine.

______I'm open to a meaningful relationship......but I hear there's a new XBox coming out this year, so I dunno.

______I was on a committee proposing new ideas to prevent physical abuse in relationships. Apparently sandwich making lessons was not an option.

______what is common about my fat ex and our relationship is that they both didn't work out

______Have a baby. It will totally fix your relationship.

______You may call it a one night stand, but I'm changing my status to 'in a relationship' and friending your mom.

______Fell over and broke my wrist. I suppose I'd better change my relationship status to 'it's complicated'.

______True sign of you're in a long term relationship and your going to make it.... When she says "I LOVE YOU TOO A**HOLE."

______Whether a relationship succeeds ultimately comes down to deciding between which two words you choose to say most.. "I'm Sorry" or F**k You"

______From now on when I see a relationship status change to married, I will offer my condolences.

______If you can't make one single innocent question into the form of an accusation, then you have no right to be in a relationship.

______X went from 'being in a relationship' to 'stopped believing in imaginary girlfriends'

______There should be a new relationship status for girls on Facebook...... Batteries Dead

______My personal trainer told me to bend down and touch my toes and stretch out. I said, "I don't have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?"

______Facebook should make it to where it says, 'Went from being in a relationship' to 'Problem solved.'

______My relationship is very psychological. She's psycho and I'm logical.

______I think it's safe to say, that if you're spending more time with your parole officer than your partner... than changing your Facebook relationship status to "It's Complicated" would be accurate.

______I would like to end my relationship with some guys named "bill". Electric bill, gas bill, phone bill, cable bill. Well, you get the picture.

______So my doctor told me my biggest problem was that I have unresolved anger issues towards women and until I come to terms with it I'll never have a meaningful relationship. I think i'm going to find another chiropractor.

______I can't take this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, . . . .you are coming to my room.

______Ladies, if early in a relationship and the guy tells you "I'll never lie to you", then.......that's his first lie!!

______I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans :"Free nights and weekends"

______People who are perpetually positive, have obviously never been in a real relationship.

______The most important and meaningful relationship you can have is the one with yourself. So if you excuse me I'm going to have "relations" with myself.

______Instead of wasting money on dating sites, I'm choosing girls I'd like to be in a relationship with on Facebook until one of them confirms it.

______Went golfing yesterday and spent most of the time not being able to find my balls. Its just like being in a relationship.

______One night does not a relationship make..so get out and stop talking about a connection. We connected last night, and the connection broke after the second coming.

______I haven't been in a relationship for so long.. Facebook just asked if I am okay.

______I hope the next Facebook upgrade lets you change your relationship status to Engaged without requiring confirmation from the other person.

______Save your relationship, keep your cell phone password protected at all times.

______Facebook should have a limit to how many times you can change your relationship status. After 3 it should default to unstable.

______Once I was dating this chick who was much, much younger than me. One night in a fit of passion she called me "daddy". I was so disgusted by this that I immediately broke the relationship off...... three months later.

______Facebook needs to add new relationship statuses like 'just sleeping around' and 'afraid of commitment'.

______In the beginning of a relationship the men go into it thinking this might be fun...and the women go into it thinking this might be the one.

______If you are a 13 year old boy your relationship status should not be “It’s Complicated.” The only thing complicated about your life is trying to hide your random boners.

______Relationship = The battle of "What I feel" Vs "What I deal"

______I am in a long distance relationship. We are made for each other. She just doesn't know about me.

35 Hilariously Funny Status Updates

_______A good relationship is less about having stuff in common and more about you letting me have some of your fries.

_______I hate it when I wake up from taking a nap, come downstairs, then say,"That smells delicious! What's for dinner?!" and they say, "What the hell are you doing in my house."

_______Funny how women can put on makeup, drive and not get in a wreck, but men will look at women putting on makeup and get in a wreck.

_______Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. "Will the defendant please rise".

_______Postnatal depression is a serious condition. My mom still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

_______I don't know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I'm looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.

_______I'm not too concerned about this coup in Thailand, most Thai things finish with a happy ending.

_______I often find myself rewording a post so many times that it completely loses the original subject. This one started off about a cat.

_______I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender.

_______Hey, does anyone know which side you're supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.

_______My performance with my girlfriend last night was amazing. It lasted like 45 minutes! Then I finally gave in and admitted she was right.

_______That time I did give a f**k but you thought I didn't was only because it was buffering.

_______Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make everything all your fault.

_______The GM vs. Ford debate continues as they now compete to see who can recall the most vehicles.

_______When you see something being advertised as "under $20!" get ready to pay $19.99.

_______ Such a relief when things I've been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it's too late.

_______Kids today have it so easy... None of them understand the anger and disappointment of when the net on The Mouse Trap game didn't fall down.

_______The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. --people who have no understanding of tension, thickness, or cutlery.

_______If it ain't broke give it to my co-worker and it will be....beyond repair.

_______I 'm not a professional ventriloquist... but I  can throw a silent fart in public and hold my breath for like 7 minutes.

_______When you see only one set of footprints, know that I  unfollowed you. -Jesus Christ on Twitter..

_______Republicans, democrats and liberals are all tolerant as long as you completely agree with them.

_______Just got a lottery ticket. I t said match to win, so I  lit one and burned the place down.

_______Sometimes you come across a status which is so heartfelt, meaningful and touching that you just have to share it with everyone else. This isn't one of them, so you might as well just keep scrolling.

_______Legs is the key word of the day! Spread the word!

_______Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open a FB account and remove all doubt.

_______ Am I...are we... is this a date? *elevator opens & she leaves*

_______This Customs officer just asked me if I had anything to declare, 'I have nothing to declare but my genius.' Instead of telling me where I can stick it I think he is going to put it there for me.

_______I'm sorry, but I don't care how serious your argument is. If somebody accidentally rhymes, you need to point that sh*t out.

_______Dear Crush, I wanna be the reason a stranger at the gas station whispers to you, "Ma'am there's someone hiding in your backseat"

_______They say 'the truth hurts'. They say 'truth shall set you free'. The truth is starting to sound a lot like my ex-girlfriend, who kicked me in the nuts then dumped me.

_______I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn't mine.

_______A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money... but I am always reassured by the fact that I don't have any money...or a girlfriend.

_______ After watching 3 coworkers try and fail to change the toner in the copier, the boss made an executive decision....to just put an "out of order" sign on it. Guess that's why he makes the big bucks.

_______You can turn anything into a compliment if you're delusional enough.

_______I don't get into the whole "Mondays suck" thing. I hate all work days equally.

_______FINANCIAL FACT: If you don't actually open your bills, you don't have to pay them.

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34 Hilarious and Funny Status Updates

_______Me: do these jeans make my butt look big? 
Him: I can't really see that well, you're blocking out the sun.

______Just read a book about the digestive system. 
The ending was shit.

______A penny for your thoughts. 
Five bucks if they're inappropriate.

______Everyone still raving about Frozen!!!... 
Let It Go...

______Looking back at my life I feel so sad I've failed so many people.
Lecturer maybe.

______"I put the C U in cute" 
~ stalkers maybe

______Some people say I am an animal in the sack"
- baby kangaroo

______Sorry to yawn in your face but to be fair you were boring the life out of me...

______Love riding 2 wheels to work. Its hard to keep the car on its side though...

______'8 Years a Slave' is what I'm titling my tell-all book about my amazing marriage.

______Remember to always thoroughly wash your hands in a public restroom... right before you touch the filthy, virus-laden door handle on the way out.

______If you rub me the wrong way, I'll just take over and do it myself...

______Hey ladies, if for some reason you're feeling down, call me and I'll try to feel you up.  Yeah, that sounded a lot more suave when I said it to myself.

______Liven up a slugs boring day by pouring a ring of salt around it and giving it enough Lego pieces to build a bridge

______If you have nothing intelligent to say... just write it on Facebook.

______Thanks for the good reggae music,Bob Marley....but no thanks for white guys walking around with dreads...

______"Yes, sweetheart, I agree we should talk about this later... like maybe after you forget about it?" —Men

______Sometimes I think I'm doing pretty well for my age... But then I remember that I'm not 15.

______I'm going to hang a Superman costume in my closet just to mess with my mind if I ever get Alzheimer's.

______Friend: "Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?" 
Me: "I think that's a myth..."
Friend: "No, it's definitely a butterfly."
She's blonde.

______People who post better than me: Please. This is all I have.

______If you're going to reach out to me, there better be a doughnut in your hand.

______NO ONE WARNED ME THERE WOULD BE PEOPLE HERE!!  
- Me, everywhere I go

______I've decided I need a break from facebook. ok I'm back.

______I'll never forget that amazing, erotic night that I spent with what's her name.-- Men

______Is it a pattern or a problem if you make at least three posts to Facebook a day from a toilet seat?? 
Asking for a friend.

______Jehovah's Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant...Pfft I'm not falling for it.

______Let's all start using duck as a swear word just to duck with auto-correct.

______ My recent trip to Walmart has forced me to reexamine my long-held belief that yoga pants are always sexy.

______I am the Michael Jordan of overweight Americans who suck at basketball.

______Don't ask me to moan, make me...

______If it wasn't for sarcasm, my coworkers and I would never communicate

______Time flies when you're having fun, they say. So here I am, stopwatch in hand, sitting next to a fresh turd, and I 'm not having fun anymore. I don' t get it.

______If you don't have anything to do today, you can wonder about when will your life actually begin?

______Today is the day to show the one you love how special they are so go ahead, violate that restraining order. Love has no boundaries.

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33 Hilarious, Cool, Clever and Funniest Status Updates

_______A twisted sense of humor runs in my family. I f my uncle had not poked pinholes in my dad's condoms you would not be reading this.

_______I wish that Liars' pants really would set on fire. That way we'd know by the flames who not to associate with.

_______Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it’s none of my f**king business.

_______I f you're good you can be on Santa's nice list......If you're naughty you can be on My Friends list!

_______"I  can' t I 'm dying on Friday!" - the response to anyone who asks me to do something on Friday.

_______I  laugh at addictions, I  can get off Facebook anytime I 'd like, take now for example as I  leave and go to the store for a pack of smokes.

_______I f you've been in a beauty contest and didn't start blowing the microphone during the talent portion, then you're just another pretty face.

_______Irony is when the vet tells you that your dog needs to have a CAT scan.

_______When I  was growing up the best social network site was the park.

_______A kid pointed at me saying "You've got autism!" I  said "That's a big word for someone who is 3,632 days old."

_______Just a fair warning, running aluminium foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is strongly discouraged.

_______We have an inspirational poster in the break room at work that says nothing because posters cant talk.

_______Thought I  was listening to Skrillix... until I  heard the radio announcer say "This concludes our test of the emergency broadcast system."

_______Drinking coffee like I'm going to be productive or something.

_______I f you wear your heart on your sleeve... you should probably go to the hospital and get that sh!t checked out.

_______Voltage divided by current is futile.

_______Sometimes I wish people still said 'spiffing' instead of 'awesome' . Mainly so that I don' t sound like such a twat when I say it myself.

________Huh, what? Sorry... for a minute there, you actually bored me to death.

________You'd think we'd get the apocalypse off to spend with our families, but NOOO. Instead, I get told to stop being silly and get back to work.

________Can't wait to see my kids' faces light up on Christmas morning when I set fire to my house for insurance purposes.

________A jogger just yelled at me for blocking the side walk with my car & I  tried to apologize but accidentally said “nice spandex faggot”

________Although the weather outside is frightful, & my bed is so delightful, but since my wife said "No",its off to work I  go, work I  go, work I  go.

________Some believe that bad people go to Hell when they die. Personally I think an eternity in Walmart during the Christmas season would be much worse.

________That awkward moment when your at the red light and a cop pulls up next to you an you try to reach for your seat belt and the damn thing locks up! Never fails.

________Last night I  slept for 7 hours straight...and after hugging my teddy bear tight.. I  slept for 4 hours gay.

________I  drove into town and saw the ruins left behind by the devastation I thought....."Maybe the Mayans were right all along"......Then I  realized I was in Chicago.

________If you are a Good Girl Santa will come once. But on a brighter note. If your Really Naughty I'll come twice.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________Last night I  slept for 7 hours straight...and after hugging my teddy bear tight.. I  slept for 4 hours gay.

________I  drove into town and saw the ruins left behind by the devastation I thought....."Maybe the Mayans were right all along"......Then I  realized I was in Chicago.

________If you are a Good Girl Santa will come once. But on a brighter note. If your Really Naughty I'll come twice.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________I  drove into town and saw the ruins left behind by the devastation I thought....."Maybe the Mayans were right all along"......Then I  realized I was in Chicago.

________If you are a Good Girl Santa will come once. But on a brighter note. If your Really Naughty I'll come twice.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________If you are a Good Girl Santa will come once. But on a brighter note. If your Really Naughty I'll come twice.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________I  dismembered my elf on a shelf when I  found him in the fridge hugging my beer.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________Ladies a little tip, if you don' t want me to show up to your house naked don' t tell me to "wear whatever".

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________I'm sure that these jokes from Ikea are really hilarious, now if I could only figure out how to put these damn things together.

________Have you ever tried to watch a fart in the cold? I  am standing outside in the snow and I  just walked in three circles.

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32 Funny Witty and Hilarious Status about Government Shutdown, Apple, Yahoo and Walmart

_______If I had to pick one thing I hate most about driving and texting... it's probably all the people that show up out of nowhere on the sidewalk.
_______If you close your eyes and walk into Walmart... it smells just like PetSmart. (funny Walmart status)
_______I wonder what the people of Walmart do with all that extra time? You know, the time they save not brushing their teeth or getting dressed
_______People say potheads are lazy but I just reached under my couch to get a lighter
_______I don't care about the government shutdown because liquor stores are run by the state (funny status about US government shutdown)
_______I don't care that the government shut down, I just wish it would shut up.
_______did they even try a government restart before the government shut down?
_______Government jokes? It's like people haven't been fooled ten billion times before.

_______My neighbor mowed his lawn at 6am so tonight I am going to get drunk and learn to play the drums
_______one advantage of dying will be that when my life flashes before my eyes, I can finally find out again what my old Yahoo mail password was... (funny yahoo status)
_______Sadly though, very few Girlfriends actually get married by their Boyfriends ... The rest are probably used as passwords for Yahoo Mail accounts...
_______I don't know why this guy in my basement doesn't understand that those handcuffs are just friendship bracelets.
_______Standing in Starbucks without a phone; What do I do with my hands? Where do I look? How do I pay? Oooh, eye contact... AWKWARD. (funny status about Starbucks)
_______Excuse me..I don't mean to interrupt your swagger...but I noticed your pants were down below your A$$...Congratulations on your weight loss. (funny swag status)
_______According to experts, a successful marriage is about give and take. According to women, a successful marriage is about give and Take Back. (funny marriage status)
_______Scientists have confirmed that aliens do exist and in fact could be living next door to you as humans. So I shot the hot woman who just moved in next door. because her A$$ was definitely outta this world.
_______No matter how bad things get in your life, I want you to know that I'll continue giving you irrelevant advice instead of actually helping you.
_______Sweetheart, how can you say I don't love you anymore?? I never loved you in the first place!! (funny love status)
_______I have a sharp memory. I remember what happened last week as if it happened 20 years ago.
_______So I asked the driver to take a right once we reach station and he was all like, "This is a F**kin' train, a**hole!"
_______If you love somebody, hold them tight and squeeze them till they feel suffocated and die of shortness of breath... and if they don't let you... They don't love you back.
_______I wasn't hiding. I was just admiring the circumference of this pillar.
_______If you're looking for the wrong answers, you have come to the right place.
_______Everyday is a Monday when you don't want to work.
_______So this really hot woman tells me,'Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?' So I told her, "Yeah I do. But what I don't wish for her to be is a hooker like you
_______I often ask kids whether they prefer strawberry ice cream or vanilla ice cream.  99% of them reply, "Where's my mommy?"
_______Sorry I'm late... I made an origami sailors hat out of a Waffle House napkin and got promoted to head chef.
_______If you die while using a Mac, your life won't flash before your eyes because Apple no longer supports it. (funny Apple Mac status)
_______Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.
_______The air here is fresh enough to notice that someone spoilt it (funny fart status)
_______so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
_______Just saw this Indian lady collapsed on the street... I was wondering whether i should press the red panic button on her forehead.
_______Cop: license and registration please. Me: (gives cop both) Cop: Sir, have you drinking tonight? Me: no. Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

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31 Funny, Witty and Hilarious status Updates

_______I am not saying your breath is bad, but last time I caught a whiff I stopped, dropped, and rolled.

_______Whomever came up with the slogan of "the quicker picker upper" for Bounty obviously never tried Adderall.

_______Dont judge me but I'm looking at a single corn seed in my hand and yelling- I HAVE A UNI-CORN.

_______Sometimes i find myself thinking about the profound complexities of the universe, galaxies, our solar system, nature and its forces,the wonders of quantum physics, then i ask myself,''why do men have nipples?''

_______My kids found my whip, my handcuffs and my mask in my room. So I just explained to them I was a superhero.

_______"Things change. Whether for better or for worse, we find out later - and that's a good thing, I suppose, because otherwise, either everything would change, or absolutely nothing." - Me, being all philosophical and shit.

_______Hey Blondy! you don't have to lick your finger to flip the page... on ipad

_______Synonym is an antonym for antonym, but antonym is not a synonym for synonym. And I'm not even high or anything.

_______I'm not wearing any makeup today, so I'm planning on getting a ton of "Are you okay?" questions.

_______I was in town today and a guy just wouldn't stop staring at me, so I squared up to him and asked what his problem was.  He quickly backed off, so I got back on my unicycle and continued juggling....

_______Writing "Happy birthday dipshit. Hope you choke on your cake because you never like anything I post" is a good way to get deleted. Who knew?

_______My boss told me that if I don't stop blasting 80s metal music at work he was going to start Dokken my pay

_______This status is going to be short because this toilet seat is cold

_______I started doing the Insanity workout today and I have to say if you believe that you are crazy

_______Forgive me Facebook for I have sinned. It has been over 30 minutes since my last update

_______The nice thing about no one reading your posts is you can whatever the f**k you want to say

_______I entered a contest to have dinner with the cast of Twilight. I hope I win so I can piss off their fans when I don't show up

_______I wanted to post something pragmatic here but I am not sure that is even a real word

_______My vocabulary is as bad as, like, whatever

_______How many times am I supposed to let my coworkers phone ring when he doesn't answer it before I drop it in a glass of water

_______Stalking people is so much harder in the winter. Their windows fog up so much easier and they can see my breath from behind the tree.

_______If you've never flipped on and off a light switch while making thunder noises... then you weren't at my first rave party at my house in 1986.

_______I'm watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.

_______Move along... just a guy saving money for a vacation... move along

________Learn to say no, after your tenth pizza slice that is.

________Even Bad Luck Brian appears happy in the meme after all that he's gone through and you think you've got problems.

________The sun feels sorry for you. please stop blaming it for wearing sunglasses indoors.

________Watching half-naked men hug each other and lay down to cover one another only to decide who did it better is NOT what WWE is all about.

________Please to park your car elsewhere! Can't you see my groceries are resting there?

________Stop posing in front of a mirror. Believe me nobody ever got famous for laughing at their own reflection while capturing a brilliant moment.

________Every other individual is ruined by facing the mirror with a phone, faking a smile and dying afterwards.

________Give man a pizza and he'll add ketchup and make it a dessert.

30 Funny Witty and Hilarious Statuses

_______If it doesn't kill you...............it only needs to be made stronger!!

_______the only time i did window shopping is when i wanted to buy a window

_______Some people are as pointless as the second window at McDonald's

_______Not only do I stalk your page, at night you might feel a 'POKE'.

_______I don't know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb but I guarantee you they'd post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.

_______Only one more 250 lb. fat chick until I can truthfully say I've been with a ton of women!

_______I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i'm pretty sure they're hallucinations.

_______My wife said I don't listen and a whole bunch of other... somethin.

_______Whenever you feel sad... just remember somewhere in the world there's an idiot trying to pull open a car door handle as it's being unlocked.

_______I really was gonna jog at the park this morning....but I just found an empty park bench so I'll just have a few puffs and cheered the joggers on, instead.

_______Most of you, like waking up in the morning, to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received.   I like waking up in the morning....to see..... WTF I posted!

_______If Plan A and B fails... don't worry! Just go to Plan F and U.

_______My fantasy football team is all cheerleaders.

_______That awkward moment when you log onto facebook and it says 9:30 pm... you look two minutes later it says 12:45 am.

_______I'd make a joke about the post office but you won't get it for 3-5 business days.

_______Well, I've had an evening so enjoyable that I honestly couldn't give a flying f**k how yours went. (Sarcastic status)

_______I think classical music was created solely for making murders feel a lot cooler..

_______I've just bought this new digital camera and none of my pictures come out wonderful....................being ugly sucks

_______"Liking" your post doesn't necessarily mean I agree with the status... sometimes it just means "Look at how stupid this person is."

_______I never panic during a crisis because most of the time I'm the cause.

_______I thought my husband was cheating on me with another woman. He's not, though, it's still the same woman.

_______My apologies for not being on Facebook yesterday...I was watching this chic trying to parallel park.

_______Medication is easy, it's the prescription that's the hard part

_______This Christmas I'm going to give the gift of laughter and good cheer...but first I have to separate it into little plastic baggies.

_______My attention span is shorter than an Amish phone book

_______If at first you don't succeed then you're probably a pathetic loser.

_______I ain't afraid of no ghost. No? Well your double negative suggests that actually you are, you uneducated ghostbusting moron scaredy cat.

_______I'd like to see Dora get lost & have to blow some dude for a ride home.  Kids need to learn that not all adventures end with a happy dance.

_______Forgive and Forget?   I'm neither Jesus, nor do I have Alzheimers.

_______Anybody that believes there is no such thing as a free ride should see me at work.

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29 Funny, Witty, Hilarious Statuses

________When I see a flash mob in public I join in just to make it look like they didn't practice enough

________Finally learnt to speak Chinese. Now I just need to say stuff that makes sense.

________Talent used to be measurement of gold. Now it is a measurement of YouTube hits.

________This guy got arrested for wearing a fanny pack. Apparently, you have to wear clothes underneath it.

________Whenever I see a classic car in a parking lot, I put a "for sale" sign on it with my ex's number...just because

________A suicide note is just a short autobiography

________I am not saying she is to blame but a lot of bad things have happened since Martha Stewart got out of prison

________It's all fun and games until you lose your memory, then it just becomes a game.

________I've realized being optimistic will not solve all my problems, but it sure can annoy enough pessimists to make optimism worth it.

________As I was listening to myself sneeze, I realized it sounds like "eh choo" not "ah choo" so I think maybe my sneeze is Canadian?!?!

________This one time... I bought a lamp from china before I realized it was just some dude in a rice paddy hat sitting on a baby elephant.

________This one time I roller skated on my hands and hi fived everyone with my bare feet.

________I find it's best not to ask if things can get any worse unless you're up for the challenge.

________If any of you would have told me 25 years ago where I'd be today, I would have said get out of my face you cruel, sadistic non-psychic bastard.

________Calls my pharmacist my drug dealer because it just sounds more exciting...and my life is way boring.

________Hot pugtato is a party game that involves players gathering in a circle and tossing a pug to each other while music plays.

________If I was an electrician I'd probably be fired pretty quickly since I envision I'd wander around a lot saying "I got 99 problem but a switch ain't one"

________I refuse to use any product associated with animals, which is why I've stopped buying that Dove soap.

________I brought my sick sense of humor here because, well, I don't have any health insurance.

________Don’t do anything you are not prepared to explain to a paramedic

________FYI..If your back starts to itch really bad when you're standing at the urinal, never, ever, ask the guy standing next to you to scratch your back.

________First time I met my old girlfriend she said she was bi. I couldn't think of anything sexier. Until I found out she meant bipolar

________I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and I have mixed feelings about it.

________Then there are those people who need such structure and daily routine in their lives that they have to plan to be spontaneous.

________I told this girl I met tonight I'm rubbing your legs to keep the mosquitoes from biting you ;)

________Me and my buds just finished igniting the last of the fireworks, we had left over from the 4th. We were like; HIGH FOUR!

________Give a man fish and you'll feed him for a day...... Give a fish a man and you're probably in the Mafia.

________My girl said she's leaving me because I never make any sense...and that's why I don't like lettuce.

________A retard...What do you call that person who reads the punchline first and then the rest of the status?

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28 Funny, Witty, Clever and Hilarious Facebook Statuses

_______I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me, "I'm so sorry I slept with you're brother" Can you believe she used "you're" instead of "your"!

_______When life hands you lem... *slips on a banana peel*

_______Sometimes you dream about people, not because they are in your heart but because they are on your hitlist

_______I'm glad that after 20 years of marriage I can still make my wife smile and be happy, mostly when I leave for work

_______My neighbor bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now she can't sneak up on the cat to put it on him.

_______Hmmm it's a nice rainy day....I should wear white, do my hair, wash the car and water the yard today.

_______I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i'm the one

_______Remember that really funny status you posted yesterday ? Yeah, me either...

_______Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn't know you...

_______You get a great sense of achievement when you accomplish things....so I heard anyway.

_______Everyone is always talking about "getting high on Life" but this cereal sucks and it hurts my nose..

_______My hubby thinks I spend too much time on Facebook. Don't worry, you guys. My next husband won't mind.

_______I need your advice. I'm not insecure, am I?

_______You know you're watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear "May the Force be with you," you hear, "And also with you."

_______My girlfriend is soooo awesome. Attractive, funny, good-natured, kind ... I know my wife and her would get along fabulously if they met.

_______I'm at my sexiest, when I'm standing next to someone really unattractive....

_______By the time I'm done, if a picture of my liver doesn't end up in a medical college textbook in the Cirrhosis chapter, then my time here will have been wasted.

_______How many light bulbs does it take to change people? Especially the ones that need to see the light.

_______THIS protein bar doesn't taste like protein. I know what protein tastes like.

_______You know you're getting older when you start singing along to the songs in a grocery store.

_______Bananas turn black and blue because the secretly practice boxing while we're sleeping at night..

_______After a lot of visits from the Stork your favorite bird becomes the Swallow.

_______My secret to success? Embracing my failures, loving them and calling them success. Pretty easy!

_______The phones we have nowadays are pieces of shit. Try to use them for just a little while and the batteries die. If you drop them the screens crack. F**k this, I'm going back to using a brick as a phone.

_______I'm only poking you back out of politeness....

_______All my statuses are original, I'm just not the one who came with them.

_______I knew from the first time I saw her that she was my soulmate, but my wife seemed to think otherwise.

________It's safe to like someone's status without reading it if it got at least 5 likes. It's just like laughing in real life for no reason just because everyone's laughing.

________Shifting your focus can change your perspective and open you to new ideas. So can drugs

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27 New Funny and Hilarious Facebook Status Updates

_______Eats my cereal in a cup and my cup of noodles in a bowl because I'm a rebel like that

_______I'm deleting the word common sense out of the dictionary because it just doesn't exist.

_______If you hide me in your news feed might as well unfriend me too.

_______They say 'fake it till you make it'. This panel interview has been going downhill from the second I told them I'm not 'really' a Harvard MBA Graduate.

_______If she's pretty and single.................she's a f**king psycho.

_______Of course I wouldn't touch you with a 10 foot pole, I would imagine that a 10 foot pole would be heavy and unwieldy to try to maneuver

_______I always yell at Chinese people walking their dogs because it's rude to play with your food.

_______I'm still on MySpace because, hey! I'm no quitter.

_______I wish I was this incredibly hilarious in real life.

_______What with everyone coming out of the closet nowadays, I find it ironic that the one place that homophobes might feel 'safe' nowadays is in the closet.

_______I'm gonna put a maxi pad on your mouth because they absorb odors in seconds.

_______Roman numerals are stupid. Trust me, my X was not a 10

_______My boyfriend said he didn't want to see me anymore so I stabbed his eyes out.

_______Sometimes I click 'like' because I like your post. Other times, I click 'like' because your post is like every other post I've ever seen.

_______I have decided I'm not going to focus on my past any more. So if I owe you money, tough shit...

_______I know that Lucky Charms are magically delicious.......But I think mushrooms would give them a run for their money.

_______I don't think that you are responsible enough to have a puppy until you have raised at least 2 children....

_______Whenever I run into an ex....I try to make sure no one else is around...because I pay ENOUGH for car insurance.

_______You know you're getting older when you start singing along to the songs in a grocery store.

_______I think I should have just kept you as my fantasy....you were better that way..

_______How to get rich, but not have a job..... Crap, this isn't Google search

_______I'm not a professional astronaut... but I can wear a fish-bowl on my head and do the moon walk for like an hour and half.

_______When I call you at 2am to ask "What you are up to"...you can safely assume that TALKING is the LAST thing I want to do.

_______Snitches get stitches....which also means that they APPARENTLY get a better insurance provider than me.

_______Balanism becomes a right pain in the a** after a while.

_______Telling a man that you want to have his baby...is a tender and romantic way...of letting that chatty mini mart cashier know...you are DONE talking.

_______Whenever I am driving past a school bus stop packed with kids...I ALWAYS make sure to slow down...cause I will BE DAMNED if I don't get asked to prom at least ONCE before I die.

_______Falling in love with someone you CAN'T have..is a GREAT indicator that you are visiting the WRONG human trafficking website.

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_______I always knew I had something special that attracts women towards others men

_______I correct your spelling in my head while you're talking.

_______"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." ~ people who have never seen a jumping spider probably

_______I almost made it the entire day without washing my hair under the Slurpee machine at 7-11.

_______Every year my clothes seem to shrink while simply hanging in the closet.

_______Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.

_______I reckon I must have said ''I don't give a f**k'' in my head at least twenty times today.

_______Marriage is like this post... which is also stupid.

_______You certainly seem to have an inordinate amount of drama in your life for a person who spends 15 hours a day on Facebook....

_______If I have learned anything from personal experience, it's that I haven't learned anything from personal experience.

_______If I had known that the carhops at Sonic could skate that fast I would have never stolen my lunch!

_______I'm sorry I ate your Packers cheesehead hat... I think it's pretty self explanatory.

_______Now I totally get it Doors. Break on through to the other side was about single ply toilet paper right

_______Girl you gotta be a tube of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls...cause you make me wanna bang you on the counter

_______The best part to being unemployed is getting to hangout with all of the senior citizens doing cross word puzzles at McDonald's in the morning.

_______Catch a grenade for you? Step in front of a train for you? Bruno Mars isn't being romantic.He is showing signs of being suicidal.

_______If anyone tells you that you put too much Parmesan cheese on your pasta, ignore them. You do not need that kind of negativity in your life.

_______Me and my girlfriend had an argument last night when I dropped an ice cube and kicked it under the icebox. Now things are OK because it's just water under the fridge.

_______Have I told you about this incident where I am awesome and everyone else is a b!tch?   ~ how a lot of people should start describing their stories!

_______It's like no one cares that I spent all weekend making a Lincoln Log house out of dried up dog poop.

_______I plead the 5th..... For you. I'm begging you to just shut up!

_______You know, you can tell me anything, I never listen to you anyway so it won't make any difference what you say.

_______I'm a member of an Asian gang... or more commonly known as...a study group.

_______Whenever my kids drink out of my water bottle, I never look at it the same again.

_______This one time, I spent like eighteen hours watching a fly putting in contact lenses.

_______I wonder is it possible to be orgasmed to death...

_______I have a feeling that whoever coined the phrase "it's what's on the inside that matters" was talking about drug mules.

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