32 Funny Quotes

_____Temptation is bad... but in a very awesome way :-D (funny temptation quote status)
_____the awkward moment when someone gives a creepy stare and you stare somewhere else (funny awkward moment quote)
_____I thought you were my facebook friend, turns out you're just another facebook "user" (facebook user quote)
_____I like saying inappropriate things around children. It gets them ready for the real world (funny parenting quote status joke)
_____Why the "hell" do people keep "misusing" quotation marks??
_____(I need more) F**K (in) MY LIFE (funny life quote)
_____Sir, can i f**k your daughter? WHAT??? I said, can i have a glass of water? (funny daughter quote)
_____Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again." Most guys probably (funny relationship quote)
_____if anyone asks why I'm groping them, its because love is blind. Yea that's why (funny love quote)
_____Some folks are well off. I'm just well, off.  (funny folk quote)
_____Yes this look on my face does mean " I want to punch you"
_____Good things come to those who 'bait....... So i'll just be here, .... 'waiting till something good comes : )
_____You know how shirts come with an extra button just in case you lose one. I think socks should come with one extra sock just to be on the safe side (funny sock quote)
_____Once a year I do this thing with my ex where I call her in the middle of the night, sing, "♪♫ I just called to say... (long pause).. FUCK YOU BITCH!!!" then hang up (funny ex status quote)
_____I seem to have lost my mind this morning. If you find it, can you please pick it up? I'd put on some gloves first if I were you though...it's a dirty thing (funny mind quote)
_____Question: So when you "poke" someone on Facebook, where exactly are you poking them??? (funny poke status)
_____I woke up this morning, saw that there is a roof over my head ..... life is good! (funny life quote)
_____Out of all the millions of colors the human eye can see... NAKED is the one I see the clearest (funny naked quote)
_____I'm going back to MySpace........ People there actually commented on how hot i was in all my pics. It's like you guys don't care how I feel (funny myspace quote)
_____I'm a great dancer... If you're comparing me to Stephen Hawking (funny Stephen Hawking quote)
_____i am a girl with daddy issues which is the reason for all my boyfriend issues (funny daddy issues quote)
_____i dont know about love.. but am surely falling in lust with you ;-) (funny love lust quote)
_____Tonight I did a little role play....I ate breakfast for dinner...in bed :)
_____7, 3, 11, 9, 5... the lottery numbers. What are the odds? (funny lotto quote)
_____I love that cute little thing you do with your mouth :) You know....when you shut the f**king thing
_____Told my friend today I was feeling lonely. She said, Don't worry, it's probably just an isolated incident.
_____Don't hate the bitch. Hate the d**khead that made her that way
_____I like other people's statuses like I like my Kentucky Fried Chicken recipe......ORIGINAL (funny KFC quote)
_____My brain, my second best organ (funny brain quote)
_____I really dont want to brag about it but as soon as hot girls see me, they want to get in shape to impress me. So they start running
_____Looking at where I've come from [~•] to where I'm at now , I'm amazed at how far I've come!
_____To the bitch behind me in the 12 items or less check out line givin' me dirty looks.. my 30 bananas and 20 cucumbers equals 2 muthafuckin' items.. so shutty! :)

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31 Funny Quotes

_____ Taking an extended break from Facebook. Be back in 15 minutes  (Facebook addiction quote)
_____ I'm not a fan. Or a heater, or any other appliance, but DEFINITELY not a fan
_____ I'm sorry, but the amount of alcohol I would have to consume in order to find you remotely attractive would actually kill me so
_____ I try to "poke" you gently but, my mouse is dirty so I have to slam it!
_____ There is about 1/8 of an inch difference between a friendly smile and a really, really creepy smile (funny smile quote)
_____ The only reason I friended you was to get the extra likes on my statuses. Now, do your job or get replaced
_____ Q: What's the difference between an idiot and a wizard? 
A: You're not a wizard (idiot wizard status joke)
_____ Girls, if your boyfriend is more excited about valentine than you, he probably has a boyfriend (funny boyfriend quote)
_____ I was going to work.......but then someone commented on my status!!
_____ I'm like an Italian cruise ship captain in bed. Always the first to get off.. (funny Italian Cruise Ship Captain quote)
_____ If you have no sense of humor and youre just going to report ppl all the time then b***h you should get the f**k out like a tittie on a drunk 18yr old at mardi gras!
_____ This timeline thing is a killer! What's with the tiny pic in the corner of a gargantuan pic? I'm not stalking your profile to see what a sunset or mountain range looks like!
_____ I'm so good...even my mistakes are perfect!
_____ If I rub up against your post, do you think you can make it better?
_____ If you're going to come in my office at night at least have the decency to slam the door so I can wake up and pretend i'm working
_____ They fed me hope, but I vomitted up lies.
_____ You know its a good status when you have more "likes" than minutes its been posted
_____ I saw two of my exes talking… It’s a cuntspiracy
_____ My wife seems to think she's the boss of me but once I've done the pots, washing, vacuuming, ironing and made coffee..... I'll show her who's boss.
_____ Sometimes you've got it, and sometimes you're like me.
_____ The first line of this status was not mine originally.
But this line is! :D
_____ Privacy is very important to me. That is why I only share sensitive information with my closest 800 friends on Facebook
_____ I prefer men with very little self esteem...they are always much more grateful.
_____ If I were flying a commercial jet due south against a head wind at 80,000 feet on a Wednesday at 7:15 pm with 212 passengers on board then what in the heck were the pilots thinking
_____ I just want you all to know that when I read your posts, I read them in the celebrities voice you most remind me of
_____ I put the ‘toast’ in ‘toaster’. Then I take the ‘toast’ out of the ‘toaster’
_____ the best part about the day.. Giving hi-fy to urself looking in mirror.. Yay
_____ If u fall off a horse dust yourself off and get a car
_____ Waiting for my soul mate to suddenly show up into my life and start spanking me.
_____ if you're a quitter go to twitter (funny twitter quote)
_____ Well life just kicked me in the balls again...guess I'll stop dreaming about being president like they told me in grade school.
_____ She said ''In Love No Thank You and No Sorry''..so I punched her in the kidney...and then on the face.


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30 Funny Quotes

_____If I have to wash my mouth out with soap, does that mean I get to shower with toothpaste? (Funny toothpaste quote status joke)
_____It's our fault that kids wear their pants so low. We've always told them "hind sight is 20/20".... so now they're keeping an eye out (low pants quote)
_____You don't know what you've got, till it's gone.....
So...... could you leave to let me know for sure?
_____To the men: Hold on, hold on.....I'll remember your name! It's either Bud, Buddy, Dude, Guy, Pal, Bro, Homie, Chief, Captain or Man... right? To the ladies: Hold on, hold on.....I'll remember your name! Hi, beautiful
_____I love to crack people up. Sometimes they don't want the crack but they'll learn to love it.
_____Whenever I read a hilarious status I convince myself that I thought of it first then I high five myself for the creativity
_____If Facebook were to crash, would you feel like you've "lost all your friends"?  It's sad that we live in a world where the majority of people would say "Yes".
_____I've decided to assume everything I don't understand is a compliment. I'm just responding with lot of "Thank you"s.
_____On a scale from 1 to 10, I think you are 10, but let me get 9 more scales for you to stand on to confirm that.
_____I didn't see anyone important today so I'm going to wear the same clothes tomorrow
_____I lost my 5 subscriber after posting my non-concern for owls. I must stop being so politically controversial.
_____Don't you hate when you wake up and... no that's it.. don't you hate it?
_____‎The new Facebook "timeline" is pretty accurate. It sucks almost as much as my real life does. (funny timeline quote)
_____This will be the last status I ever right. You read that wrong. Write?
_____It is better to have loved and lost then to be stuck with some idiot forever (funny love quote)

_____When you call someone "a whore", make sure they're actually charging money; because some of us are just sluts and love doing it for free
_____Dear Friends, especially my female friends. When I am quiet I am not mad. When I am quiet I am not sad. When I am quiet I am not worried. When I am quiet I am not sick. When I am quiet I am not plotting. When I am quiet I am not depressed. When I am quiet I am just quiet.
_____Whenever I go to the bathroom, I like to tell people I need to go make a political decision. It makes it sounds as if it is an important thing to do.
_____After my last post That girl text me saying: Never text me again, you creep. Clearly she wants me to call her instead. Right?
_____I'm gonna read a book, what a novel idea.
_____I'm living each day as if it were the last..... I was an a$$hole yesterday so don't expect anything different today.
_____Facebook is awesome.I can post my deepest thoughts and personal ideas and share with millions of people around the world...or I can just post this picture of someones kitten
_____It feels like I was beaten up last night for some reason.
_____No, officer I am not naked, I'm wearing socks
_____My boss doesn't seem to understand that " go f**k yourself" is the only way I know how to say good morning at 6 am
_____‎‎Face slaps should be called hand hugs. It just sounds better when im trying to explain my side of the story.
_____Just because you have a witty tongue, doesn't necessarily mean you have a sharp mind. :)
_____I don't know how to tweet....and I'm okay with that.
_____Sure i can be positive!!!!!. ....I am positively sure your a dumbass...how's that :)
_____Be positive. Always tell yourself "I can! I can!" then think about it for a second and add a "never".
_____Some people are just too nice to hate. I hate people like that.
_____When I love somebody, I don't set them free, I set them on fire cuz, shit....if I can't have them, NOBODY can.
_____Every time a really hot woman approaches me and begs me to have hug with her, I pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. And I always wake up.
_____Happy Chinese New Year, everyone! I'm going to celebrate by eating my neighbor's dog for dinner. (funny Chinese year quote)
_____if you can't find any friends to play with, you can always play with yourself

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