________When
I see a flash mob in public I join in just to make it look like they didn't practice enough
________Finally
learnt to speak Chinese. Now I just need to say stuff that makes sense.
________Talent
used to be measurement of gold. Now it is a measurement of YouTube hits.
________This
guy got arrested for wearing a fanny pack. Apparently, you have to wear clothes
underneath it.
________Whenever
I see a classic car in a parking lot, I put a "for sale" sign on it
with my ex's number...just because
________A
suicide note is just a short autobiography
________I
am not saying she is to blame but a lot of bad things have happened since
Martha Stewart got out of prison
________It's
all fun and games until you lose your memory, then it just becomes a game.
________I've
realized being optimistic will not solve all my problems, but it sure can annoy
enough pessimists to make optimism worth it.
________As
I was listening to myself sneeze, I realized it sounds like "eh choo"
not "ah choo" so I think maybe my sneeze is Canadian?!?!
________This
one time... I bought a lamp from china before I realized it was just some dude
in a rice paddy hat sitting on a baby elephant.
________This
one time I roller skated on my hands and hi fived everyone with my bare feet.
________I
find it's best not to ask if things can get any worse unless you're up for the
challenge.
________If
any of you would have told me 25 years ago where I'd be today, I would have
said get out of my face you cruel, sadistic non-psychic bastard.
________Calls
my pharmacist my drug dealer because it just sounds more exciting...and my life
is way boring.
________Hot
pugtato is a party game that involves players gathering in a circle and tossing
a pug to each other while music plays.
________If
I was an electrician I'd probably be fired pretty quickly since I envision I'd
wander around a lot saying "I got 99 problem but a switch ain't one"
________I
refuse to use any product associated with animals, which is why I've stopped
buying that Dove soap.
________I
brought my sick sense of humor here because, well, I don't have any health
insurance.
________Don’t
do anything you are not prepared to explain to a paramedic
________FYI..If
your back starts to itch really bad when you're standing at the urinal, never,
ever, ask the guy standing next to you to scratch your back.
________First
time I met my old girlfriend she said she was bi. I couldn't think of anything
sexier. Until I found out she meant bipolar
________I've
been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and I have mixed feelings about it.
________Then
there are those people who need such structure and daily routine in their lives
that they have to plan to be spontaneous.
________I
told this girl I met tonight I'm rubbing your legs to keep the mosquitoes from
biting you ;)
________Me
and my buds just finished igniting the last of the fireworks, we had left over
from the 4th. We were like; HIGH FOUR!
________Give
a man fish and you'll feed him for a day...... Give a fish a man and you're
probably in the Mafia.
________My
girl said she's leaving me because I never make any sense...and that's why I
don't like lettuce.
________A retard...What do you call that person who reads the punchline
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