48 Funny Quotes

_____My wife has done everything to make me a better person, but after 3 years I'm divorcing her... ...Now I'm too good for her. (funny wife quote status)

_____‎If I make eye contact with you and say "Good morning".. consider that a sincere "F**k You." :) (hilarious good morning status)

_____I think some people are really slacking here tonight, what if this was an emergency?

_____Sometimes I abuse the system, by deleting my notifications before I read them.

_____Why does everyone want me to do stuff for the love of god? I thought he was supposed to love me no matter what.

_____I "liked" YOU, sooooOooo much more.....  When I didnt even KNOW you.

_____So you're on facebook moaning about facebook, and now I'm on facebook moaning about you being on my facebook. Damn this irony! (irony quote)

_____Today I set my clock back 5 minutes slow......I felt so powerful.......u know......"Turning back the hands of time" (funny time quote status)

_____Could this day possibly get any worse........for these people around me.........I really need ideas how to make them miserable

_____I like to be polite by giving your crotch a handshake before we get acquainted.

_____Almost all of my jokes are dirty. So what. So is your mom (yoo mama quote status)

_____Some people on here write so eloquently that I can't help but step back and say "Shiiiiit."

_____ I guess I'll have to be the one who says what everyone is secretly thinking - You're a twat.

_____I had a toy drive yesterday. I ran over all the toys the bratz next door left in my yard.

_____I don't believe in wearing real animal fur. Its such a waste. You should wear the whole carcass

_____i really wish my ex-boyfriend doesn't come to know the lies i've told.. Especially the ones that involved burning down his house.. ; )

_____i am going to be available on skype, coz i have got my nails done and i want to show off.. :-p

_____I never had imaginary friends........ I was the imaginary friend....

_____I put the "f" in safety.. seriously, f**k that shit! :)

_____If I had a penny for every time someone has called me lazy...I'd have... Oh fugg it... I will count it later.

_____My sick friend was praying for a cure. I can't do that so I gave him a Keurig.

_____my girl said...."your obsession with cats is totally driving me crazy, so just get out from here ."....and I was all " dont kick meeeeeowt "

_____I won't "like" a picture of your kids unless they are crying

_____I worked so hard last month so I can be able to pay the hip replacement surgery for my grandma.. as they say you break it you buy it

______what's good about hockey is that when you take a punch and fall you'll have ice on it right away

______My collection of other peoples lighters... is now available on eBay. (funny eBay quote status)

______Hey people, who wished me 'happy birthday' in small letters...get a life........also thank you. (funny birthday quote)

______I am desperately waiting to head towards the Church.. 2 minutes away is the new Bar which offers Happy Hours during lunch break !! :-D

______I requested December 21st and 22nd off of work... They said you'll have to work Xmas.... Hahaha they'll be working the last weekend on earth...

______Now that I'm getting older, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka. (funny vodka joke)

______Why the hell do they only 'break the mold' on good people, yet the stupid people mold is used over and over?

______The look in your eyes tell me that you are going to love living in my basement so much!

______This is the time of night where you're pretty much alone and you can take advantage of it and babble all you want.

______Animals can be homosexual. I just saw a goat with the same hairstyle as Ryan Seacrest

______So, Barack Obama is in favor of letting guys fuck other guys. This isn't surprising considering the fact that he's already f**ked us all (funny Barack Obama gay marriage quote status joke)

______I always like to give people a choice................the choice to do whatever the f**k I say that is!!

_____The narcissism levels of a person are directly proportional to the amount of time they spend on their own Facebook page, admiring their own posts.

_____It's really not a joke....I'd really love it, if you would just take that "POKE" I sent you seriously!

_____I know they mean well but the next person that tells me "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is going to see how strong I am....when I punch them in the throat

______Watching Avengers, I turned all green. Wondering when will these muscles grow. (funny avenger quote status)

______I am not a bad person. That's why when I am done with finishing your voodoo doll, I am just gonna tickle it hard.

_____Don't you hate it when you lean into kiss someone REALLY SEXY, and you hit your head on the mirror. Dammit man.

_____My face will be the last thing you see......when I turn off the lights and kiss you goodnight. (funny goodnight quote)

______Computer technology used to be a hard...when I was growing up, mice had balls!

______Despite what people may tell you it's the fat that makes you look fat not the dress.

______I got a tickle me Emo doll. It slits on wrists when you tickle it.

_____Vacation for me is putting an umbrella in my beer bottle.

_____Everyone has homicidal thoughts about the person bragging about going on vacation right?

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_____You are so vain I bet you always know which way the wind is blowing.

_____Someone dared me to post this and I know it wont get many likes but I am gonna do it any way

_____I just found human hairs in my McDonald's burger.  and that was the most natural ingredient in this Burger (funny McDonald quote status)

_____I know it's difficult to see things from my point of view, with your head stuck so far up your a**
_____Did you know why the midget didn't get the joke? It was over his head.  (funny midget status)
_____Out of all the theories on arguing with woman; it seems that no one works. (funny women quote)
_____Gosh!, You are SO attractive, turn around and let me get a look.... Mmmn mmmmm, give it a little shake, uh hu... THAT'S THE STUFF dreams are made of baby~ Me in front of the mirror every morning..
_____Well, it's 5:00 p.m here, so I guess it's time to get out of bed and head to the couch....I almost missed my nap! (funny nap quote)

_____If you are gonna share a link with me make sure its a hot one

_____Your posts are so good that I like them twice. What?? Well, it's not my fault that after the first like, it changes to 'Unlike'

_____why is it so necessary to take a shower every year?

_____If you think your loud car stereo makes you a bad a** why do you turn it down like a b!tch when you see a cop? (funny stereo quote status)

_____Don't be mean to me... It's Saturday.

_____the way your profile pic keeps looking at me....i don't know whether to be creeped out or turned on.

_____I have three credit scores and they are all the same: No money, No money, No money. (funny credit quote status)

_____I ask my buddy to give me a hug and he tells me he doesn't do hugs with guys. What the f**k! Look if you think i'm gonna kiss you then DREAM ON

_____Never...ever...ever...wake a sleeping woman!!!!!!! Because then she'll be awake and wanna talk

_____I was told never to throw the first punch, I was also told that I really suck at counting.

_____i feel like changing my display picture to the real me.. but than i dont want to increase my stalkers and/or break your high expectations ;-)

_____I was talking to this beautiful woman earlier today. She said she was surprised I didn't have a girlfriend because I seemed like such a great guy.....then I sneezed in her mouth and the mystery was solved.

_____Studies show that people who like my posts have an above average IQ

_____Sometimes when I see people badly in need of my help, I just wish I was Superman, that way I wouldn't give a flying f**k!

_____I was in London this morning when a Japanese man approached me."Please......Can you take?" he said, handing me a camera.As he sat on the wall smiling, I got into a taxi and thought, "What a nice feller."

_____I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree you can just call me and I'll probably still tell you to f**k off anyways

_____YouTube is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them.. Whatt the f**king Shitt!! In person!

_____What's the name of that Eminem song where he's all mad and shit? (funny Eminem quote status)

_____Am i the only person who wonders what would happen if I microwave something live? Like a cat or mouse.

_____I overheard some women at the store complaining about the fact that she was getting older and how wished she could stay 39 forever so I walked up to her and snapped her neck.

_____my friend texted me saying what would you recommend as a good book to read.... I replied the Dictionary

_____I'm like a physicist in bed. The more aerodynamic a woman curves the greater the resistance. (funny physicist quote)

_____I ALWAYS believe in giving people second chances….because it is MUCH easier to make someone miserable when you are together!!

_____So I was awake whole  night trying to figure out what Insomnia is (funny insomnia quote status)

_____My low self-esteem sucks almost as much as I do. (funny self esteem quote)

_____All it takes is 10 minutes without Internet to prove my total uselessness as a person

_____No one is born as a leader, situations make them an a**hole.... I mean leader. (funny leader quote)

_____I just accidentally toasted bread that was toasted already.....am I now a re toaster!!

_____first day at yoga class, they told me 'no drinks allowed'.. I couldn't leave my glass unattended.. Hence i and my vodka walked out!! (funny yoga vodka quote status)

_____I got a call today that said my neighbor was involved in a hit and run...I told them that I'd be at the hospital as soon as I get my front bumper repaired

_____The last time a Wednesday was a hump day, was 15 years ago before I said "I do" (funny hump day quote)

_____Although never intentional, I always end up making great speeches on random topics while taking a dump. (funny brag quote status)

_____I'm tired from all this procrastination... so I'm just going to sit here and think about taking a nap.

_____I need a spring loaded bed so if I don't want to get up, it will just throw me out of it

_____What did I do last night? I climbed a mountain and wrestled a tiger. What do you think I did? I f**ked my hand and fell asleep.. WTF! ;)

_____I find the fact that some people don't have a Facebook account highly suspicious

_____But officer she said make it rain!!!  sir you pissed on her head ... And ladies and gentlemen this is the reason Im not back allowed in the strip club

_____I love everyone...I love women...I love my friends...I love to punch stupid MFers in the face...

_____My boss said she likes seeing me hard at work... so I'm taken my pants off to try and get a little ahead!

_____My girlfriend wore so much perfume that I stuck her in a clay pot and set fire to her hair. She was incensed.

_____I was just about to write something inspiring but then I stopped and realized I am not that kind of person!

_____I prefer 77 over 69 cuz you get eight more....

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_____I'm doing my best to keep up with my daily habit of positive thinking, for instance, instead of the word stalking, I prefer to use the phrase careful surveillance, it sounds so much professional. (funny stalking quote)

_____No honey, I will not cut the grass, god himself said today is a day of rest.........as I'm "working" on a twelve pack.....

_____If its an open bar, why are they getting so upset with me drinking straight from the tap? (funny bar quote)

_____I always talk to myself cause I give the best advice....

_____If your happy and you know it, get on your knees and make me happy!

_____I hate it when a woman asks me to find a strong man to open a jar for her... go find him yourself

_____I think my friends on facebook are stalking me how else would u explain them knowing when i am online.

_____Don't Ask Questions..FIND MY PANTS AND HELP ME OFF THE ROOF!!!!!!!

_____Yes mom yes... Everybody i talk to is my girlfriend

_____Some people write the most pointless status'.. like this one..

_____When your drunk, leftovers aren't so bad........this may or may not be about food

_____I believe in life after death, so I'm hoping my ex comes back as me, so I can get my stuff back.

_____If I only had one wish; I would wish that my wife didn't get half of that wish.

_____I'm pretty SURE, that I would get more enjoyment out of sipping toilet water out of a shot glass, than reading YOUR posts.

_____Marriage? yeah, it's a lot like tennis.  All about the back hand baby. (funny marriage quote)

_____I hope you know that when I post about banging your mom I am only joking.I would never bang your mom in real life. She's too nasty

_____I was having such a great day..... until I logged in and saw that we were still friends.:(

_____It's awesome to see people getting better at writing coherent sentences on FB. Soon, they'll make sense too.....

_____My doctor said I have never put that many checks on someones chart in my life, you owe me a pen.

_____If you have never rear ended someone just to get their address you are NOT a true stalker (funny stalker quote)

_____I think my friend is gay. I saw him working out inside of a Jim

_____I just learned today that bacteria is not the back door of a cafeteria

_____"I don't know how to say this." - People with lisps

_____If I'm ever on MTV cribs, I'm pointing at my computer chair and saying "this is where the magic happens"

_____Wow, you look EXACTLY like this girl I finger banged behind a Wendy's back in high school. Anyway, I'm Will and I'm here for the job interview.

_____All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing..I was drunk had money to blow.

_____i am so stressed that i have turned forgetful.. Its a pain.. Especially for the guy whom i forgot in my basement for a week.. :-/

_____My wife has done everything to make me a better person, but after 3 years I'm divorcing her... ...Now I'm too good for her.

_____‎If I make eye contact with you and say "Good morning".. consider that a sincere "F**k You." :)

_____I think some people are really slacking here tonight, what if this was an emergency?

_____Sometimes I abuse the system, by deleting my notifications before I read them.

_____Why does everyone want me to do stuff for the love of god? I thought he was supposed to love me no matter what.

_____I "liked" YOU, sooooOooo much more.....  When I didnt even KNOW you.

_____So you're on facebook moaning about facebook, and now I'm on facebook moaning about you being on my facebook. Damn this irony! (funny facebook status)

_____Chick at work said I should attend church because I swear a lot and it would be good for me. Yeah, I told her to fuck off.
_____Just when we thought there was nothing more to like, you came along, and now there's more of nothing to like.
_____Honey you've never looked better(oh God did i just say that?)
_____If it doesn't kill me the first time... ya damn right I'm gonna do it again!!!
_____Just spent 1/2 an hour typing 2 envelopes in case you were wondering how busy I am
_____Working from home is great, but I guess when people call for support I shouldn't tell them that I am not wearing pants.
_____I was pretty sure I knew everything, then someone told me "omniscient" was a real word. (funny grammar quote)
_____One of my greatest nightmares is when that girl whose status I've been liking of, start asking me why I liked it, why I liked it. (funny nightmare)
_____This new chick at work has a huge crush on me...*she hasn't received it Yet tho*
_____what would you do if i didn't know what to do but what you thought you wanted to do but didn't know what to do then why am i typing this shit.
_____How life fakes an orgasm..? My weekdays last for 6 days and weekend is for 1 day!! (funny life quote)
_____I must remember to put pants back on when I go outside to smoke....especially on the front porch.

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