29 Funny, Witty, Hilarious Statuses

________When I see a flash mob in public I join in just to make it look like they didn't practice enough

________Finally learnt to speak Chinese. Now I just need to say stuff that makes sense.

________Talent used to be measurement of gold. Now it is a measurement of YouTube hits.

________This guy got arrested for wearing a fanny pack. Apparently, you have to wear clothes underneath it.

________Whenever I see a classic car in a parking lot, I put a "for sale" sign on it with my ex's number...just because

________A suicide note is just a short autobiography

________I am not saying she is to blame but a lot of bad things have happened since Martha Stewart got out of prison

________It's all fun and games until you lose your memory, then it just becomes a game.

________I've realized being optimistic will not solve all my problems, but it sure can annoy enough pessimists to make optimism worth it.

________As I was listening to myself sneeze, I realized it sounds like "eh choo" not "ah choo" so I think maybe my sneeze is Canadian?!?!

________This one time... I bought a lamp from china before I realized it was just some dude in a rice paddy hat sitting on a baby elephant.

________This one time I roller skated on my hands and hi fived everyone with my bare feet.

________I find it's best not to ask if things can get any worse unless you're up for the challenge.

________If any of you would have told me 25 years ago where I'd be today, I would have said get out of my face you cruel, sadistic non-psychic bastard.

________Calls my pharmacist my drug dealer because it just sounds more exciting...and my life is way boring.

________Hot pugtato is a party game that involves players gathering in a circle and tossing a pug to each other while music plays.

________If I was an electrician I'd probably be fired pretty quickly since I envision I'd wander around a lot saying "I got 99 problem but a switch ain't one"

________I refuse to use any product associated with animals, which is why I've stopped buying that Dove soap.

________I brought my sick sense of humor here because, well, I don't have any health insurance.

________Don’t do anything you are not prepared to explain to a paramedic

________FYI..If your back starts to itch really bad when you're standing at the urinal, never, ever, ask the guy standing next to you to scratch your back.

________First time I met my old girlfriend she said she was bi. I couldn't think of anything sexier. Until I found out she meant bipolar

________I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and I have mixed feelings about it.

________Then there are those people who need such structure and daily routine in their lives that they have to plan to be spontaneous.

________I told this girl I met tonight I'm rubbing your legs to keep the mosquitoes from biting you ;)

________Me and my buds just finished igniting the last of the fireworks, we had left over from the 4th. We were like; HIGH FOUR!

________Give a man fish and you'll feed him for a day...... Give a fish a man and you're probably in the Mafia.

________My girl said she's leaving me because I never make any sense...and that's why I don't like lettuce.

________A retard...What do you call that person who reads the punchline first and then the rest of the status?

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28 Funny, Witty, Clever and Hilarious Facebook Statuses

_______I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me, "I'm so sorry I slept with you're brother" Can you believe she used "you're" instead of "your"!

_______When life hands you lem... *slips on a banana peel*

_______Sometimes you dream about people, not because they are in your heart but because they are on your hitlist

_______I'm glad that after 20 years of marriage I can still make my wife smile and be happy, mostly when I leave for work

_______My neighbor bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now she can't sneak up on the cat to put it on him.

_______Hmmm it's a nice rainy day....I should wear white, do my hair, wash the car and water the yard today.

_______I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i'm the one

_______Remember that really funny status you posted yesterday ? Yeah, me either...

_______Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn't know you...

_______You get a great sense of achievement when you accomplish things....so I heard anyway.

_______Everyone is always talking about "getting high on Life" but this cereal sucks and it hurts my nose..

_______My hubby thinks I spend too much time on Facebook. Don't worry, you guys. My next husband won't mind.

_______I need your advice. I'm not insecure, am I?

_______You know you're watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear "May the Force be with you," you hear, "And also with you."

_______My girlfriend is soooo awesome. Attractive, funny, good-natured, kind ... I know my wife and her would get along fabulously if they met.

_______I'm at my sexiest, when I'm standing next to someone really unattractive....

_______By the time I'm done, if a picture of my liver doesn't end up in a medical college textbook in the Cirrhosis chapter, then my time here will have been wasted.

_______How many light bulbs does it take to change people? Especially the ones that need to see the light.

_______THIS protein bar doesn't taste like protein. I know what protein tastes like.

_______You know you're getting older when you start singing along to the songs in a grocery store.

_______Bananas turn black and blue because the secretly practice boxing while we're sleeping at night..

_______After a lot of visits from the Stork your favorite bird becomes the Swallow.

_______My secret to success? Embracing my failures, loving them and calling them success. Pretty easy!

_______The phones we have nowadays are pieces of shit. Try to use them for just a little while and the batteries die. If you drop them the screens crack. F**k this, I'm going back to using a brick as a phone.

_______I'm only poking you back out of politeness....

_______All my statuses are original, I'm just not the one who came with them.

_______I knew from the first time I saw her that she was my soulmate, but my wife seemed to think otherwise.

________It's safe to like someone's status without reading it if it got at least 5 likes. It's just like laughing in real life for no reason just because everyone's laughing.

________Shifting your focus can change your perspective and open you to new ideas. So can drugs

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27 New Funny and Hilarious Facebook Status Updates

_______Eats my cereal in a cup and my cup of noodles in a bowl because I'm a rebel like that

_______I'm deleting the word common sense out of the dictionary because it just doesn't exist.

_______If you hide me in your news feed might as well unfriend me too.

_______They say 'fake it till you make it'. This panel interview has been going downhill from the second I told them I'm not 'really' a Harvard MBA Graduate.

_______If she's pretty and single.................she's a f**king psycho.

_______Of course I wouldn't touch you with a 10 foot pole, I would imagine that a 10 foot pole would be heavy and unwieldy to try to maneuver

_______I always yell at Chinese people walking their dogs because it's rude to play with your food.

_______I'm still on MySpace because, hey! I'm no quitter.

_______I wish I was this incredibly hilarious in real life.

_______What with everyone coming out of the closet nowadays, I find it ironic that the one place that homophobes might feel 'safe' nowadays is in the closet.

_______I'm gonna put a maxi pad on your mouth because they absorb odors in seconds.

_______Roman numerals are stupid. Trust me, my X was not a 10

_______My boyfriend said he didn't want to see me anymore so I stabbed his eyes out.

_______Sometimes I click 'like' because I like your post. Other times, I click 'like' because your post is like every other post I've ever seen.

_______I have decided I'm not going to focus on my past any more. So if I owe you money, tough shit...

_______I know that Lucky Charms are magically delicious.......But I think mushrooms would give them a run for their money.

_______I don't think that you are responsible enough to have a puppy until you have raised at least 2 children....

_______Whenever I run into an ex....I try to make sure no one else is around...because I pay ENOUGH for car insurance.

_______You know you're getting older when you start singing along to the songs in a grocery store.

_______I think I should have just kept you as my fantasy....you were better that way..

_______How to get rich, but not have a job..... Crap, this isn't Google search

_______I'm not a professional astronaut... but I can wear a fish-bowl on my head and do the moon walk for like an hour and half.

_______When I call you at 2am to ask "What you are up to"...you can safely assume that TALKING is the LAST thing I want to do.

_______Snitches get stitches....which also means that they APPARENTLY get a better insurance provider than me.

_______Balanism becomes a right pain in the a** after a while.

_______Telling a man that you want to have his baby...is a tender and romantic way...of letting that chatty mini mart cashier know...you are DONE talking.

_______Whenever I am driving past a school bus stop packed with kids...I ALWAYS make sure to slow down...cause I will BE DAMNED if I don't get asked to prom at least ONCE before I die.

_______Falling in love with someone you CAN'T have..is a GREAT indicator that you are visiting the WRONG human trafficking website.

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