Quotes And Status

19 Funny,Witty,Clever and Hilarious Facebook Statuses

_______i remember before i started drinking i would finish my sentences but now I (funny drinking status)
_______I can only imagine being full of beer, in line for the bathroom, at The Superbowl, in New Orleans, when the lights went out. (hilarious superbowl status)

_______Just checked my FarmVille for the first time in like a year, it's now a strip mall...(funny status about FarmVille)

_______ The worst thing about being single is having to make your own sandwiches. (funny being single status)

_______ Ironic that Beyonce is doing the Pepsi halftime show after being caught miming.
Pepsi and Beyonce. Not quite the real thing. (funny status about Beyonce)
______ Video killed the radio star, but reality TV killed the video star and today's pop music killed the talented musician. (famous funny status)

______My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one. (funny wife status)

______Keep your friends close, your family the closest, your enemies within range and your Facebook friends obsolete. (funny friends status)

______Right away, I knew it was a Secret Service dog, because it always barked into its wrist.

______So tell me again... How you just ain't got no time for that...

______I'm confused... At a 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way, right? (funny status about texting)

______I'm 42 years old and can drink a beer in my new couch cushion fort if I want to mom!

______Quit acting like you didn’t know your mom is a wh*re. Did you really believe that you had that many "uncles"? (you mama jokes)

______Ladies... Handmade gifts are sweet, but using your mouth is better... (funny Valentine status)

______My girlfriend told me I was a pedophile and I thought, wow, that's an awfully big word for a nine year-old. (girlfriend status)

______‎"Other than that, how was the cruise?" Too soon? Ok...I'll just let myself out...

______I just saved $50 on this delightful multi colored assortment of roses for my girlfriend. By not buying them. (funny gf status)

______I'll let a stranger hold my kid before I let them hold my phone, because priorities. (funny phone status)

______Personally I don't give a shit if there are local girls in my area....because I'm busy working from home. (funny net surfing status)

______So there I was making funny faces in the bathroom mirror and I suddenly realized my ol' lady was right....... I ain't never gonna grow up.

18 Funny and Hilarious most Facebook Statuses

_______If I had to choose between my kids and a million dollars...............it would probably be very hard................to decide which car to buy first! (funny money status)
_______Fool people into thinking you are a meteorologist by posting weather updates on Facebook
_______Boss: Let me make myself clear. Me: I wish you would because I'm tired of looking at you. (funny status about Boss)
_______If I had a choice between Parkinson's and Alzheimer's I'd choose Parkinson's...because I'd rather spill a little beer than forget where I put it. (funny status about Parkinson's )
_______Bad pick up line : I have all this birth control and I don't want it to go to waste.
_______People need to stop sending me invites for games..........I'm currently in a unfriending mood (funny game invite status)
_______Holy Shit! I just noticed something that will blow your mind. Did you guys know that Facebook has a "sign out" button? (funny Facebook Status)
_______Am I the only person who thinks the guy that came up with rumble strips on the road was just trying to enhance road head?
_______On this date next year, I am going to scroll down to this status and leave myself a comment. Can't wait to find out what my future self has to say.
_______First and foremost, I would like to thank my legs. Without them I would not be standing here today (most hilarious status ever)
_______I'm currently saving myself a fortune by not actually having any money to spend. (funny fortune status)

_______I always automatically assume, when meeting people for the first time, that they are complete and utter twats until proven otherwise. That way, I'm either always right, or pleasantly surprised. (best funny hilarious status)
_______I'm imagining skipping rocks over a pond... when in reality I'm actually tossing bricks over the fence into my neighbors pool. (funny offensive status)
_______Hey I chopped off your nose... It was in my business again. (funny business status)
_______I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you f**k with me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body
_______Listen you punk..I am not gay! I am only wearing pink in the support for the fight against breast cancer......and these heels I have on just means...........uhmmm..........well u just f**k off and mind your own business! (funny gay status)
_______I would rather break both legs than spill my beer! - everyone that has fallen with a beer in their hand. (funny beer status)
_______Running from your problems doesn't help. Unless your problem is being fat... (funny fat status)

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17 Funny,Witty,Cool,Clever and Hilarious Facebook Status Updates

_______They say a change is around the corner and they were right. I turned the corner of this building and fall into a deep deep hole. (funny change status)
_______I just got gas. So I drove to the gas station to let everyone know what I think of the gas prices. (funny gasoline status)
_______If at first you don't succeed......Just say "f**k it" and move on to something else.
_______I'm not saying I'm lazy, but I've started to only fight 'downhill' battles.
_______If I can't be the first one to like a status then I don't because I am a leader not a follower (funny Facebook status)
_______You know how people say "Hurry up and tell me! The suspense is killing me!"?
Well, you're not going to believe what else I found out today... (funny suspense status)
_______If there's one thing I've learned from watching Saturday morning cartoons... it's to always carry a short bamboo stick in case you get attacked by a swarm of bees, you can jump into a pond and still breathe. (funny cartoons status)
_______This wonderful dinner I just ate at this exquisite restaurant tastes like I'm gonna be locked up for not being able to pay for the check! (funny dinner status)
_______When I see a girl with a whole lot of makeup on, I want to use my finger & write "WASH ME" on her face. (funny status about girls makeup)

_______Good News guys! I'm an official member of the neighborhood watch, I'll be able to get my drug cartel up and running without interference :D (hilarious status update)
_______You poke me like you know me (funny poke status)
_______So I beat up a guy who likes to reply with 'K' to every message. Don't worry, he's k. (annoying status)
_______When people say "you're just not right" that's a compliment, isn't it?.... I'm thinking it is...
_______I always keep my middle finger well manicured because it's the one people see the most. (hilarious sarcastic status)
_______Why don't you put on some lipstick so it will be pretty when you kiss my a**...
_______I wish I could travel faster than the speed of sound. Then I couldn't hear all the things that my wife wants me to do today (funny status about wife)
_______i really love all my friends on facebook :)........i mean.......it doesn't even bother me that you are all so ugly! (funny status about Facebook friends)
_______Considering the fact that my phone just autocorrected "hug" to "huh", you tell me how my personal life is going.

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