22 Funny Witty Hilarious and clever Facebook Status Updates

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21 New Funny, Witty, Hilarious and Clever Facebook Status Updates

_______ Why do we get that mini heart attack feeling when we leave to work without our phones???? we made it through the 80s and the 80s rocked.

_______I am so stoked. Some hot sexy guy said he was going to come over on February 29th. I can't wait. That is like tomorrow, right?
_______It's not over till the fat lady puts all your bags on the pavement and changes the locks and files a restraining order.
_______The best part of breaking up is using a grenade as a s*x toy one last time, pulling the pin, and running away, and watching her blow up
_______Hey I just met you and this is crazy but will you wipe my a**? I'm too lazy
_______My college mascot was basically just some n*de dude laying on a ping pong table slamming a beer bong.
_______I am SO High on life!! And this white powder smells AMAZING!!!
_______Good new is that my test came back negative! The bad new is that it was an IQ test...
_______I hate when someone calls me a "Son of a B!tch." Its like, have some respect, people. Just say "Your Mom is a B!tch." And leave me out of it
_______I've an alcohol problem, in that I can't afford any.
_______I think something ought to be done about all these passive smokers freeloading my secondhand smoke

_______Ever since I turned 40, I get really nervous when I see anyone putting on rubber gloves.
_______I'd like to give a big shout out to back-up BBQ Lighters for always being there for me when my regular lighter goes out.
_______Sometimes I run into strangers...and after holding them tight I make a fake call saying ''Mission Accomplished Boss".
_______I would post absolute brilliance but I understand my audience....
_______Ever since i got married , I wish real world conversations had a 140 character limit…
_______I wish dogs could talk.. Then we'd hear about all the weird freaky shit you fuckers do when nobody's around.
_______This guy sitting next to me says the smoke from my cigarette is bothering him....so I'm like... Hey mofo.... it's killing me but I'm not bitching about it.
_______You're not my first so don't flatter yourself. I've hated lots of people just as much as I hate you.
_______I'm at my most Oscar worthy when acting like I don't see someone I sort of know but definitely don't want to interact with.
_______Just mistook Kelly Clarkson for Justin Bieber on song pop. That won't happen again once he hits puberty and his voice changes.
_______Mmmmmm.... My toothbrush tastes like the kids cleaned the toilet again. Little bastards.
_______Just tried to poke an email. I may need help.
_______Careful what you ask for "ladies", I asked my husband if tonight, he thought he could make me scream with only two fingers ..... He poked me in the friggin eyes
_______Has anyone told you how extremely f**kalicious you look today ??

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20 New Funny Witty Hilarious and Clever Facebook Statuses

______Hey if someone ever tells you your 1 in a million that's pretty good cause that means everyone else around you is a zero!

______End all wars, diseases, cancer and other misfortunes by simply " liking" that Facebook page.... (funny Facebook statuses)

 ______If he slaps me at dinner, I'd punch the shit out of him. If he slaps me when we're f**king, I'd smile and tell him to go harder. Timing is everything... (best funny status)

 ______ Single? Find a dead bird & give it mouth to mouth..... When a girl walks by yell "No damn it!" and punch the table......B!tches love a sensitive man.... (best funny status)

 _______You win today, door I pulled that says "Push"........ but we'll meet again... (funny door status)

_______Sometimes you've got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?


______Every dinner can be a candle lit dinner if you don’t pay your electric bill (funny candle light dinner status)

 ______Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash (funny cops status)

 _______The heart of rock and roll has stopped beating. Sorry. I just wanted to be the first one to post it in case Huey Lewis dies today

 _______If pirates would've worn eye patches on both eyes to begin with... that stupid parrot on their shoulder wouldn't eat their eye balls out. (funny pirate status)

 _______It is sad and absoluely astownding how many people just don't know how to spell or use proper grammar. It's like they don't got no cents. (funny grammar status)

 _______I feel sorry for ham, if it would of tried harder it could of been bacon (funny bacon status)

 _______Pretty sure that high pitch ring in your ear that happens from time to time... is just a dog in a parallel universe blowing a human whistle.

 _______I wish people would stop making fun of me for being fat. I have enough on my plate as it is. (funny fat status)

 _______Can I just get a relationship status that says I'm awesome and attract a lot of shit. (funny relationship status)

 _______If you want something done, you've got to do it yourself. ...which is why like my own statuses.  (best funny Facebook status)

_______I have spent the last 6 months at work trying to balance my chair on two legs for more than 3 minutes at a time (funny work status)

 _______I ordered an omelette for lunch today. They asked if I wanted a three egg or five egg omelette. I said, "I don't like to count my chickens before they hatch." (funny stupid status)

 _______If I ever went into the military I'd probably legally change my last name to Obvious so that one day I really could be Captain Obvious. (funny military status)

 _______Old creepers at the bar should come with a Benny Hill theme. (bar status)

_______I just deleted my "Weather Network" app because, Facebook..... (funny weather status)

  _______Identical twins are just a time travel experiment gone horribly wrong. (funny status about identical twins)

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