_______Wow!! I'm really good at making people angry... is there a job for that? (funny job quote)
_______Apparently playing "YMCA" while DJing the amputee support group dinner wasn't very well received.
_______Now I'm not saying my girlfriend is unstable, but she sat her cat down last night and made it watch a PETA video with her to show him how good his life was. (funny quote about girlfriend and life)
_______Someday I'm gonna be rich enough to have my own facebook group ;p (funny status for Facebook)
_______Did you know that if you mix Tea and coffee together, it doesn't taste like Toffee. (funny stupid quote)
_______I like to learn as much as I can about a girl before asking her out, but these nights sleeping in a tree outside her window have been rough! (funny quote about stalking girl)
_______I am so proud of myself. I have not made one typo all day. (funny typo quotes)
_______You mean the world to me, I would be so lost without you, I think about you all day, every day, you taught me what true love is, you complete me tuna fish sammich with lettuce, tomato, swiss, pickles on toast, I love you........ (funny quotes about Love)
_______I am hereby nominating myself for the Facebook Humanitarian Award... for the multitude of times I have bitten my tongue, and chose to not post a searing, apt comment in reply to some of the inane, tasteless and downright stupid posts I've encountered... (great funniest quote status for Facebook)
_______I TRULY, don't care, if YOU, "like".... My POSTS or not..... (funny Facebook post)
_______I love my music loud. It makes people STFU! (awesome sarcastic quote)
_______on a scale of 1 to 10, the answer of how much would I like to meet you is NO (funniest insulting quote)
_______80 years in a life time....now math that shit up. Most people work 8 hours a day....most people sleep 8 hours a night....that leaves 8 hours of YOU time, oh wait, minus 1 hour on the way to work, and 1 hour on the way home....so 6 hours a day of free time....that translates to only 13 years of life you actually live....DISGUSTING, isn't it? (disgusting life quotes)
_______So, Barack Obama is in favor of gay marriages. This isn't surprising considering the fact that he's already f**ked us all (funny presidential debate quotes)
_______I hate it when I want a drink of water but am too lazy to get a cup so I just turn the kitchen faucet on and drink straight from the tap and then stand up and bust my scalp open on the kitchen cabinet.......again! (nice funny quote)
_______These gangsters that hang outside my place really make my neighborhood feel unsafe..... Old people can be such troublemakers! (funny gangster quote)
_______When I love someone, I love them forever and never them go.......Just ask the woman in my basement (funny quote about Love)
_______I went to the doctor today with severe headaches. He asked me if I'd suffer any memory loss. How the hell would I know? (funny memory loss quote)
_______It has been so long since I trained a puppy, I am actually gonna have to call my ex-girlfriend to see how I got her to behave in public. (funny quotes about ex)
_______You know, some of you are actually quite attractive. If I didn't read your timelines I'd have no idea why you were single. (funny quote status about single friends)
_______I like my napkin placed on my lap just so.. so it catches all my missed hopes and dreams..... (quote about hopes and dreams)
_______God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things... Right now I am so far behind I will probably live to be 200. (clever funny quote)
_______Live your life how you want, but remember that you're doing everything wrong if someone on the internet says so. (funny living life quotes)
_______i don't like when people assume i have a heart, soul and dignity.. Misconceptions people develop.. (quotes about soul dignity)
_______In an effort to not intimidate people with my perpetual brilliance and dazzling wit, this status update is intentionally shite. You're welcome. (brilliant funny quotes)
_______If I like your status, consider yourself hugged.... (funny romantic status)
_______If you are wondering where the funny people went I was at lunch (funny people quote)
_______My rib cage is very near and dear to my heart. (funny quote about heart)
_______I avoid apathy, boredom, doldrums, dullness, ennui, flatness, irksomeness, monotony, sameness, tediousness, tedium and weariness through the examination, inspection, perusal, review, scrutiny and study of my thesaurus. (awesome funny thesaurus quotes)
_______I just thought of something that really sucks.How are you? (best sarcastic quote status)
_______Just a note of warning: Do not forget the "L" when you google Grandfather Clock" (hilarious joke)
_______Better check up stairs to make sure (___) is not supplying the Y chromosome for your next brother (sarcastic insulting punch line)
_______I am a GREAT LEADER..........................................to the path of destruction!!! (funny leader quotes)
_______Those people that likes people comments under my posts and don't like my post......yeah you.........f the hell off!!
_______If you don't want to get it 'on', then why the hell did you make eye contact ? (funny quote about eye contact)
_______''Is it hot in here, or is it just me ?''........what I like to say when I walk into a room full of people who aren't hot. (funny hot quote)
_______I am not afraid of the storms that life throws my way for I am learning to sail my ship and I know I can seek refuge in the safe harbor of our friendship. (nice friendship quote)
_______The best thing about working tomorrow is I don't have to (funny quote for sunday)
_______'hello, can i help you?' No, i just stood in the line for 30 minutes to say 'Hi.' (funny help quote)
_______People who exercise often live longer, but those extra years are spent in the gym so really, what's the point (funny quote about gym exercise)
_______A girl told me I am cute like a puppy, so I humped her leg and bit her. (funny puppy quote)
_______The best way to have a friend is to be a friend. This is why I have no friends. (friends quote)
_______I post to inspire. So to the seven people who read my posts... I hope I inspired you to drop kick a midget or someone you hate, but hopefully a midget, cause that would be funnier.
_______My vodka just told me to smoke some weed, so I'm gonna... because my vodka has never steered me wrong. :) (funny vodka quote)
_______Women, not all guys that talk to you just because they want to get in your pants... Sometimes they want to get in your friend's pants. (funny pants quote)
_______There comes a time in every man's life when he has to stand up for what he believes in. My time has come. I shall stand up. And go to bed. (funniest inspiring quote)
_______We really need to start using this page for something more important... There are many critical issues in this world and we owe it to ourselves, to our communities, to our very SOCIETY to have intelligent discussions on relevant topics... So, with all this in mind... What's your opinion on b job ...
_______If you love something and it doesn't love you back, let it go under a tire. (quotes about LOVE)
_______I haven't got her number yet, but she likes my statuses a lot! (funny Facebook status)
_______Just sitting here quietly, looking out the window at a lone bird soaring in the sky, wondering to myself, what would happen if I died. Where would you get your witty statuses from.... (hilarious witty quotes statuses)
_______Attitude is everything. F**k off. (hilarious attitude quote)
_______So I am staying with this very beautiful one-in-a-billion girl, pretty eyes, always smiling. She cooks and cleans, makes me sammich, never argues with me. Her parents named her IMAGINARY. (hilarious imaginary girlfriend status)
_______There,they're and their are constantly being misused.to help people figure it out keep this in mind... See them hot chicks over THERE.I think THEY'RE sexy.I wish THEIR clothes would fall off (funniest awesomest quote status for Facebook)
_______I always put periods in my posts... So the ladies don't feel left out and the gentleman know when to take a pause. (hilarious quote about period )
_______who over here is 36-24-36?? Coz i will be hunting you down and probably feed u McD till you put some weight..! Malnourished b!tches! (funny figure quotes)
_______Isn't it shocking how quickly a seemingly innocent-looking status can suddenly change into a bastardly vulgar shit-monster peppered with mother f**king profanity? (witty status for Facebook)
_______Not everything I laugh at is necessarily funny. I just find it quicker and easier than explaining to people why they're complete and utter twats (best sarcastic insulting quotes)
_______A hot chick caught me watching her eat a banana, so she took a vicious bite out of it and spit it on the ground. I gave her the thumbs up. (hilarious eating a banana quote status)
_______My heart is just as delicate as your balls. We don't want them getting hurt now do we (hilarious quote about heart)
_______I've been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it's all your fault.
_______i dont want to brag about this.. If i wouldn't have been a part of your life, you would have missed me :-p (funny love quote)
_______If you really don't think that I'm a nosy a**hole why did you write it in your diary? (funny diary quotes)
_______I wish I can find me so I could take myself to this schizophrenia clinic I talked to me about (schizophrenic quote)
_______Google is like my wife. She never lets me finish a sentence (funny Google quotes)
_______I turned to alcohol when my wife died. I like to celebrate in style (quotes about Alcohol)
_______I wish facebook had a anti-virus so there would be less ugly motherf**kers in this b!tch. (Funny Facebook status quote)
_______Let them eat cake. But make sure it's someone else's cake, because this cake is mine.
_______I followed the trail of crumbs but those dirtbags just led me to the ghetto. (ghetto quotes)
_______My wife is constantly trying to change me.............Whether I've sh!t myself or not. (funny quotes about wife)
_______Women with expensive handbags usually have no purseonality...... (funny purse quotes)
_______When you have diarrhea, you suddenly remember where every bathroom is where ever your going.... (funny quotes about diarrhea)
_______I'll see your eyebrow and raise you a middle finger (funny attitude quotes)
_______If you can make a woman laugh, you'll win her heart. And if you're not funny, having lots of money works too. (funny quotes to please women)
_______I guess calling the prettiest girl in the room a 'b!tch' wasn't very nice of me. Well, I was struck by the beauty of the place! (funny quotes about pretty girls)
_______I love the way that everyone on here pretends to have such high standards. (funny standard quotes)
_______Well, I'm either gonna have to cut down on wanking, or wash the damn floor, or start wearing rubber boots.
_______I don't get this whole thing about the Japanese being such hardworking people. I mean they don't even take the time to cook their food (funny quotes about Japanese)
_______I told my wife that I wanted a hand job so she sent photos of my hands to a modeling agency.Wish me luck
_______You don’t have to use that tone of voice on me. Of course I know what condescending means...... Um,..... it’s when a prisoner lowers himself from a window (funny voice tone quotes)
_______Your status is like a cheap handbag---there is no point in copying it (funny status for Facebook)
_______I'm expecting to be contacted by the FBI any minute, because my last 3 posts to Facebook have been bombs! (funny quotes about FBI)
_______don't know why but I love it when women are full of mystery (mystery quotes)
_______I love a good cigar, so I smuggled some Cubans into the country. Turns out not all of them can make a cigar. (cigar quotes)
_______I think I'm gonna start a landscaping company called "Lawn Order". Of course I get bored kinda easy, so maybe I'll use the profits from it to pay for a new Chinese restaurant that I'll name "All That and Dim Sum". (funny bored quotes)
_______I don't really think you could say I'm from any "walk of life" it's more like a "drunk crawl..of life". (funny life quotes)
_______I hate how some girls takes pictures when they just woke up and look like Selena Gomez ''Cause when i try to do that, i look like a cow on crack'' (funny quote about profile picture)
_______I am updating my status in a public bathroom...what does that say about me? (that I give a sh!t no matter where I'm at?) (funny quotes about public bathroom)
_______When someone says "you're the best," just know that it's not really true because I'm the best. (best funny quotes)
_______Got an email saying I could make millions of dollars in my spare time. I'm considering going full-time. (funny million dollar ideas)
_______It's okay Monday, everything is going to be fine. Come over here, I'll be your friend. (funny quotes about Mondays)
_______If I ever have a million dollar idea, it would be to sell my idea for a million dollars probably. (funny quote about million dollar ideas)
_______People who thinks that 'everything is Fair in love and war' are so racist. (funny quote about Love)
_______I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Mine was a plastic spork!
_______if this day ended right now, I would STILL want to throat punch about 10 people. (funny extremist quote)
_______Facebook isn't like radio... It's okay to shut the f**k up once in awhile. (funny Facebook status)
_______I find it ironic that the Chinese sit Indian style when eating... but when I do it, they tell me to get off the buffet table! (funny ironic quotes)
_______This is a new day and age.....you can be anyone u want......well at least on facebook........look at me.....I'm a f**king lemur (funny Facebook quote status)
_______If you're aiming to please, are you using the right weapon? (pleasing quotes)
_______A professional shooter never says "I missed you". (funny miss you quotes)
_______McDonalds came out with a new burger and the other fast food places can't touch it. It is called the McHammer (funny quotes about McDonalds)
_______Sometimes, I like statuses because, it was comparatively less worse than the comments on it.. (funny status about worse status)
_______I don't mind being back on my meds... I really don't. I just think it's sad that at the same time all the dogs in the neighborhood decided to stop talking to me. (funny meds quotes)
_______Dear Spouse, I know you have seen me without cloths on numerous occasions but I still like my privacy when I am sitting on the toilet... (funny quotes about spouse)
_______That awkward moment when you're in 14 different group pages, but all the friends are the same! (funny awkward moment quotes)
_______I hate how my body breaks down the asparagus I eat into sulfur and bicarbonate ions in a large concentration to make my piss stink.
_______Im never serious......Seriously I'm not !
_______My favorite hobby is sitting at the end of a person's bed and when they wake up, I tell them, Relax, this is just a dream. (funny hobby quote)
_______Dating girls is Awesome.. Whilst all my friends are out doing it, I'm leveling up ahead of them rapidly on my pokemon game! (funny dating quote)
_______Thanks to the sign in my doctors office that reads sign in with receptionist and have a seat I've managed to furnish every room in my house.
_______I've just finished watching 'Misery' or as my wife likes to call it, 'our wedding video'. (funny quote about wed video)
_______I was at this tiny restaurant paying my bill, when I saw a jar that read "Tip Jar", so I did.... and MONEY came out!! I even had enough to pay my bill! (funny tipping quotes)
_______I used to date a girl that was into magic and every time I went down on her I would end up with a hare in my mouth (funny magic dating quote)
_______Sorry I didnt like your status. It had so many typos I thought it was one of mine
_______I don't need much to keep me happy. In fact, some days nothing keeps me happy. (funny doing nothing quote)
_______everything in life comes to an end.. Just like the 24th Beer Can in my fridge. (funny life beer quote)
_______I tried to sing Red Solo Cup but I didn't know the words so I just whistled Dixie
_______There should be a new relationship status for girls on Facebook...... Batteries Dead (funny relationship status)
_______Running around and screaming like you won the lottery when you draw ticket number 69 at the deli is apparently frowned upon at my supermarket. (funny lottery quote)
_______When someone's being bullied, I can't just close my eyes and pretend like I don't wanna be part of all that fun. (funny fun quotes)
_______As soon as you leave your house, you're already invading my personal space (funniest insulting quote)
_______Some people are more attractive when you don't have to look at them, others when you don't have to listen (funny sarcastic quote)
_______I have a really good tip for you! Its on the front of my foot. (sarcasm status quote)
_______If you don't know the difference between "lose and loose" then I will let lose and say that you are a looser...
_______Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it'll be dinner time! (funny Facebook addiction quote)
_______The best thing about the internet.. It's available to everyone! The worst thing about the internet.. It's available to everyone! (funny internet quote)
_______I'm expecting.......my foot to be up your a** any second now. (sarcasm quote)
_______"This is NOT MY CUP OF TEA!" - Me pointing to my cup of coffee as soon as I arrive at work. (like a boss quote)
_______Good things come to those who wait....but the longer you wait the loser your definition of good becomes. (funny phrase)
_______Went on a date last night. The chemistry was so-so, but the physics was unbelievable. (dating quotes)
_______That feeling when you can't fall asleep and you decide to stay up all night and then end up falling asleep 20 minutes before you have to be up! (awkward moment joke)
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_______I wanted to start procrastinating today.........but I guess I'll just do it next week (procrastinating quote)
_______I know my wife's had an okay day at work if she takes all her rings off before beating me. (funny wife beating quote)
_______I've rode unicycles, motorcycles and bicycles. I need to learn how to ride a menstrualcycle, because my date says she's on hers. Can anyone give me tips. (tips quote)
_______i like my women like how i like my beer..............there is no real comparison.....i just really like women and i really like beer (funny beer women quote)
_______When it comes to women I'm always very selective.......I always go for women......who are willing to sleep with me (funny women sleep quote)
_______Ok, i have 10 slices of cake, and someone asks me for one. how many do i have left? Thats right, i got 10 left. :P (short joke)
_______You'll never be around more people that want to kill you than when you walk into a restaurant 5 minutes before they close.. (funny restaurant quote status)
_______My friend said onions are the only food that can make you cry so I hit him in the face with a can of corn (funny onion quote status)
_______When the bank teller started to give me my balance this morning I pressed my fingers to her lips and said sssssssssh. (funniest famous bank balance quote status)
_______I've been using my doctor's diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer's to help me get out of certain situations..........Like telling my wife I don't remember marrying her (funny Alzheimer's quote)
_______This guy I pass every morning on my way to work... always seems to have the day off and a beer in his hand. (funny beer day quotes)
_______That proud, shining moment when your 5 year old answers the phone and tells the telemarketer to hell off and to take whatever he's selling and shove it up his a**. (famous funny telemarketer quote)
_______I accidentally pocket dialed 911 today. When they called back to ask what the problem was, I told them I must've had an emergency in my pants... (funny 911 pants emergency quote status)
_______I was the kid in band camp that played with his own flute (famous funny quote)
_______Of course honey.. I understand exactly what you're NOT talking about. ~ every dude going through the "silent treatment". (funny silent treatment quote)
_______I always get confused when my friend tells me he sees me tomorrow being that he is blind and all. (confused quotes)
_______Women can be so blind sometimes ......... Apparently they can't see that I'm one of those small packages that good things come in (great funny quotes)
_______I never met a person I did not like, that is until I met you. (shortest sarcastic quote)
_______I'm not a mind reader!!!....and even if I was I wouldn't waste my time on third grade level... (funniest great sarcastic quote status)
_______Wife said "Who are you texting all the time?" "Are you having an affair?" I said "No, it's more like I'm having one giant comedic 0rgy party in the matrix!" (funny wife status joke)
_______You know u had a rough childhood when u fell asleep on the couch.....and woke up back on the couch (best funny childhood quote ever)
_______I firmly believe that I have been photographed by aliens at night on several occasions but somehow I find comfort in the fact that their technology is not so far advanced that they still require a flash on their camera. (funny Alien quote status)
________It makes me sad when folks tell me they married their best friend, mostly because marriage between a woman & Vodka will never be legal. (awesome funny vodka quote)
________The first thing I look for in a girl is creative Facebook Statuses..
________Stay away from the woman who doesn't have at least five pillows on her bed.. She's a dude! (dude quote)
________If you find someone really special don't tell them because you will probably end up ruining them once they find out (funny life quote)
________Whenever 2 people are off sick on the same day, I start rumors that they're having an affair together cause work is boring and screw coworkers ! (funny coworker affair status)
________My neighbor's kid is at that age where he does annoying things,like breathe (Annoying neighbor quote)
________Sure, I'd love to help the homeless people,i just dont know where they live.... (homeless quote)
________The biggest mistake girls make is thinking they're in love with the poet when they're really in love with the poem.. (Awesome nice love poem poet quote)
________I bought some drugs on the internet that they say make you live forever. Well I must say its working wonders so far (stupid quote)
________You questioned my intentions. When all the while, I was laughing internally, because I already know them. :) (funny intentions quote)
________there are two kinds of women on facebook. The kind that look decent and the kind I like (funny Facebook quote)
________The U.S. Department of Education announced today that 2 of 3 students do badly in grammar, but the other half are doing good in maths (funny bad grammar math quote)
________My boss said I was acting like a baby and getting on her nerves today... I said "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"... (funny boss quotes)
________Dear people who post pictures of cats and type in a way that gives them that lame-a** accent that you think is cute. Stop it. Stop it now. (sarcastic quote)
________There's nothing quit like having a co-worker hold your beer... while you piss out their windows during the carpool on the way to work.
________Ok listen ladies.....we love you.....but please don't call when u know I'm watching football and expect me to talk to you!!!! (funny football quote)
________If you have looked for the like button in an email message, you need an intervention. (funny intervention quote)
________Statistically, only half of the things I have to do I always delay till a later time......so u could say I'm a semi-procrastinator
________I make it a rule to never answer calls from a number I don't know and then spend the rest of the day wondering who it was and what they wanted.. (funny anonymous calls)
________There needs to be a class on how to take a mirror photo without looking at your phone, because apparently it's an issue for a lot of you.. (funny mirror photo quote status)
________I don't want to be one of those people who's on his death bed and says "I wish I would have spent more time on the Facebook!" (funny Facebook addiction quotes)
________I really think I could get a lot for myself on the black market if someone would just tell me where it is, dammit. (funny black market quotes)
________I was on a plane last week and the flight attendant asked "Would you like some headphones?". I said "Sure miss, but my name is Eddie, not phones". (funny air hostess quote)
________I always think about my ex.....whenever I hit a speed bump..... (funny ex quotes)
________Instructions: 1. Drink some beers 2. Write some posts 3. Go to bed 4. Wake up 5. Delete some posts (funny instruction status)
________I am really pissed that the doctor had to amputate my pinky toes due to diabetes. I am definitely lack toes intolerant. (funny diabetes quote)
________They say blood is thicker than water but sometimes I swear some family members are taking blood thinners!
________My friend was just telling me that he thinks I am too stupid at times...I said well yea...let's see who's stupid.."If u can guess how many doughnuts I have in my bag u can have both of them" (short joke)
________I've got the ignorance part covered. Now where is all of this bliss people have been telling me about? (ignorance quote)
________It's cute how some of you pretend to be friends.. (funny friends quote)
________Mental Note: Women don't find the word "Rapealicious" to be a compliment...... (funny compliment quote)
________My ex-girlfriend liked my comment on a mutual friend's status.. Way to make it so obvious that she still wants me! (funny girlfriend quote)
________Is a real gentleman, why just yesterday I took the dishes out of the sink before I peed in it (funny gentleman quotes)
________No I do not want to watch your sister's wrestling match, but I'd love to see her box.
________I was watching women's softball on TV last night and I was very interested in the batter's box. (funny tv quotes)
________I'd pay to see the New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys Tour if they beat each other bloody with the members of NSync.
________This morning I told my neighbors they needed to buy a new bed.
________Sometimes I love Japanese food and other times I hate it. I'm very tempura-mental (funny Japanese food quote)
________Just heard that apple has developed a new informant device for the police......I hear they are going to call it the 'iWitness' (funny quotes about Apple Inc)
________I am not a narcissist! I swear to you on my mirror! (narcissist quotes)
________If you're a heavy drinker, then you should read the novel, "Wait Till Your Liver Fails" by Hope Udai (funny Hope quotes)
________One thing I'll never understand is how anyone could ever hurt a child or not like my status. :p (funny Facebook status)
________Hey! In case you don't see or hear from me in awhile, it is because there was a "Where in the hell have you been all night?" note left on the door. So I think I am in a little trouble....maybe. (funny door notes)
________Do you know what I just found out? I found out my new neighbors don't like me singing in the front yard at 3:30 in the morning. (funny singing quote status)
________I have a feeling I would be more successful had I worked harder, invested wisely and had rich parents to inherit from (funny hard working quotes)
________pretending to fake a stroke is an easiest way out of your moms' sight when drunk.. But getting disgonsed for mental illness isnt what i was looking for.. I knew returning home drunk was a bad idea!! (bad funny sick ideas)
________i want to go back in time and kill the guy who said ''i am done enough of being drunk and fun over the weekend.. lets go on work on monday". (funny monday quotes)
________The other day, I was on a date with a really hot model. We had dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed. (funny dating quotes status)
________I can't afford to go on a vacation. So, I just get really drunk and forget where I am. (funny vacation quote)
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