73 Funny Quotes

_______i dont want to brag about this.. If i wouldn't have been a part of your life, you would have missed me :-p  (funny love quote)
_______If you really don't think that I'm a nosy a**hole why did you write it in your diary? (funny diary quotes)
_______I wish I can find me so I could take myself to this schizophrenia clinic I talked to me about (schizophrenic quote)
_______Google is like my wife. She never lets me finish a sentence (funny Google quotes)
_______I turned to alcohol when my wife died.  I like to celebrate in style (quotes about Alcohol)
_______I wish facebook had a anti-virus so there would be less ugly motherf**kers in this b!tch. (Funny Facebook status quote)
_______Let them eat cake. But make sure it's someone else's cake, because this cake is mine.
_______I followed the trail of crumbs but those dirtbags just led me to the ghetto. (ghetto quotes)
_______My wife is constantly trying to change me.............Whether I've sh!t myself or not. (funny quotes about wife)
_______Women with expensive handbags usually have no purseonality...... (funny purse quotes)
_______When you have diarrhea, you suddenly remember where every bathroom is where ever your going.... (funny quotes about diarrhea)
_______I'll see your eyebrow and raise you a middle finger (funny attitude quotes)
_______If you can make a woman laugh, you'll win her heart. And if you're not funny, having lots of money works too. (funny quotes to please women)
_______I guess calling the prettiest girl in the room a 'b!tch' wasn't very nice of me. Well, I was struck by the beauty of the place! (funny quotes about pretty girls)
_______I love the way that everyone on here pretends to have such high standards.  (funny standard quotes)
_______Well, I'm either gonna have to cut down on wanking, or wash the damn floor, or start wearing rubber boots.
_______I don't get this whole thing about the Japanese being such hardworking people. I mean they don't even take the time to cook their food (funny quotes about Japanese)
_______I told my wife that I wanted a hand job so she sent photos of my hands to a modeling agency.Wish me luck
_______You don’t have to use that tone of voice on me. Of course I know what condescending means...... Um,..... it’s when a prisoner lowers himself from a window (funny voice tone quotes)
_______Your status is like a cheap handbag---there is no point in copying it (funny status for Facebook)
_______I'm expecting to be contacted by the FBI any minute, because my last 3 posts to Facebook have been bombs! (funny quotes about FBI)

_______don't know why but I love it when women are full of mystery (mystery quotes)
_______I love a good cigar, so I smuggled some Cubans into the country. Turns out not all of them can make a cigar. (cigar quotes)
_______I think I'm gonna start a landscaping company called "Lawn Order". Of course I get bored kinda easy, so maybe I'll use the profits from it to pay for a new Chinese restaurant that I'll name "All That and Dim Sum". (funny bored quotes)
_______I don't really think you could say I'm from any "walk of life" it's more like a "drunk crawl..of life". (funny life quotes)
_______I hate how some girls takes pictures when they just woke up and look like Selena Gomez ''Cause when i try to do that, i look like a cow on crack'' (funny quote about profile picture)
_______I am updating my status in a public bathroom...what does that say about me? (that I give a sh!t no matter where I'm at?) (funny quotes about public bathroom)
_______When someone says "you're the best," just know that it's not really true because I'm the best. (best funny quotes)
_______Got an email saying I could make millions of dollars in my spare time. I'm considering going full-time. (funny million dollar ideas)
_______It's okay Monday, everything is going to be fine. Come over here, I'll be your friend. (funny quotes about Mondays)
_______If I ever have a million dollar idea, it would be to sell my idea for a million dollars probably. (funny quote about million dollar ideas)
_______‎People who thinks that 'everything is Fair in love and war' are so racist. (funny quote about Love)
_______I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Mine was a plastic spork!
_______if this day ended right now, I would STILL want to throat punch about 10 people. (funny extremist quote)
_______Facebook isn't like radio... It's okay to shut the f**k up once in awhile. (funny Facebook status)
_______I find it ironic that the Chinese sit Indian style when eating... but when I do it, they tell me to get off the buffet table! (funny ironic quotes)
_______This is a new day and age.....you can be anyone u want......well at least on facebook........look at me.....I'm a f**king lemur (funny Facebook quote status)
_______If you're aiming to please, are you using the right weapon? (pleasing quotes)
_______A professional shooter never says "I missed you". (funny miss you quotes)
_______McDonalds came out with a new burger and the other fast food places can't touch it. It is called the McHammer (funny quotes about McDonalds)
_______Sometimes, I like statuses because, it was comparatively less worse than the comments on it..  (funny status about worse status)
_______I don't mind being back on my meds... I really don't. I just think it's sad that at the same time all the dogs in the neighborhood decided to stop talking to me. (funny meds quotes)
_______Dear Spouse, I know you have seen me without cloths on numerous occasions but I still like my privacy when I am sitting on the toilet... (funny quotes about spouse)
_______That awkward moment when you're in 14 different group pages, but all the friends are the same! (funny awkward moment quotes)
_______I hate how my body breaks down the asparagus I eat into sulfur and bicarbonate ions in a large concentration to make my piss stink.
_______Im never serious......Seriously I'm not !
_______My favorite hobby is sitting at the end of a person's bed and when they wake up, I tell them, Relax, this is just a dream. (funny hobby quote)
_______Dating girls is Awesome.. Whilst all my friends are out doing it, I'm leveling up ahead of them rapidly on my pokemon game! (funny dating quote)
_______Thanks to the sign in my doctors office that reads sign in with receptionist and have a seat I've managed to furnish every room in my house.
_______I've just finished watching 'Misery' or as my wife likes to call it, 'our wedding video'. (funny quote about wed video)
_______I was at this tiny restaurant paying my bill, when I saw a jar that read "Tip Jar", so I did.... and MONEY came out!! I even had enough to pay my bill! (funny tipping quotes)
_______I used to date a girl that was into magic and every time I went down on her I would end up with a hare in my mouth (funny magic dating quote)
_______Sorry I didnt like your status. It had so many typos I thought it was one of mine
_______I don't need much to keep me happy. In fact, some days nothing keeps me happy. (funny doing nothing quote)
_______everything in life comes to an end.. Just like the 24th Beer Can in my fridge. (funny life beer quote)
_______I tried to sing Red Solo Cup but I didn't know the words so I just whistled Dixie
_______There should be a new relationship status for girls on Facebook...... Batteries Dead (funny relationship status)
_______Running around and screaming like you won the lottery when you draw ticket number 69 at the deli is apparently frowned upon at my supermarket. (funny lottery quote)
_______When someone's being bullied, I can't just close my eyes and pretend like I don't wanna be part of all that fun. (funny fun quotes)
_______As soon as you leave your house, you're already invading my personal space (funniest insulting quote)
_______Some people are more attractive when you don't have to look at them, others when you don't have to listen (funny sarcastic quote)
_______I have a really good tip for you! Its on the front of my foot. (sarcasm status quote)
_______If you don't know the difference between "lose and loose" then I will let lose and say that you are a looser... 
_______Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it'll be dinner time! (funny Facebook addiction quote)
_______The best thing about the internet.. It's available to everyone! The worst thing about the internet.. It's available to everyone! (funny internet quote)
_______I'm expecting.......my foot to be up your a** any second now. (sarcasm quote)
_______"This is NOT MY CUP OF TEA!" - Me pointing to my cup of coffee as soon as I arrive at work. (like a boss quote)
_______Good things come to those who wait....but the longer you wait the loser your definition of good becomes. (funny phrase)
_______Went on a date last night. The chemistry was so-so, but the physics was unbelievable. (dating quotes)
_______That feeling when you can't fall asleep and you decide to stay up all night and then end up falling asleep 20 minutes before you have to be up! (awkward moment joke)

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72 Funny Quotes

_______I wanted to start procrastinating today.........but I guess I'll just do it next week (procrastinating quote)
_______I know my wife's had an okay day at work if she takes all her rings off before beating me. (funny wife beating quote)
_______I've rode unicycles, motorcycles and bicycles. I need to learn how to ride a menstrualcycle, because my date says she's on hers. Can anyone give me tips. (tips quote)
_______i like my women like how i like my beer..............there is no real comparison.....i just really like women and i really like beer (funny beer women quote)
_______When it comes to women I'm always very selective.......I always go for women......who are willing to sleep with me (funny women sleep quote)
_______Ok, i have 10 slices of cake, and someone asks me for one. how many do i have left? Thats right, i got 10 left. :P (short joke)
_______You'll never be around more people that want to kill you than when you walk into a restaurant 5 minutes before they close.. (funny restaurant quote status)
_______My friend said onions are the only food that can make you cry so I hit him in the face with a can of corn  (funny onion quote status)
_______When the bank teller started to give me my balance this morning I pressed my fingers to her lips and said sssssssssh. (funniest famous bank balance quote status)
_______I've been using my doctor's diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer's to help me get out of certain situations..........Like telling my wife I don't remember marrying her  (funny Alzheimer's quote)
_______This guy I pass every morning on my way to work... always seems to have the day off and a beer in his hand. (funny beer day quotes)
_______That proud, shining moment when your 5 year old answers the phone and tells the telemarketer to hell off and to take whatever he's selling and shove it up his a**.  (famous funny telemarketer quote)
_______I accidentally pocket dialed 911 today. When they called back to ask what the problem was, I told them I must've had an emergency in my pants... (funny 911 pants emergency quote status)
_______I was the kid in band camp that played with his own flute  (famous funny quote)
_______Of course honey.. I understand exactly what you're NOT talking about. ~ every dude going through the "silent treatment".  (funny silent treatment quote)
_______I always get confused when my friend tells me he sees me tomorrow being that he is blind and all.  (confused quotes)
_______Women can be so blind sometimes ......... Apparently they can't see that I'm one of those small packages that good things come in (great funny quotes)
_______I never met a person I did not like, that is until I met you. (shortest sarcastic quote)
_______I'm not a mind reader!!!....and even if I was I wouldn't waste my time on third grade level...  (funniest great sarcastic quote status)
_______Wife said "Who are you texting all the time?" "Are you having an affair?" I said "No, it's more like I'm having one giant comedic 0rgy party in the matrix!" (funny wife status joke)
_______You know u had a rough childhood when u fell asleep on the couch.....and woke up back on the couch (best funny childhood quote ever)
_______I firmly believe that I have been photographed by aliens at night on several occasions but somehow I find comfort in the fact that their technology is not so far advanced that they still require a flash on their camera.  (funny Alien quote status)
________It makes me sad when folks tell me they married their best friend, mostly because marriage between a woman & Vodka will never be legal.  (awesome funny vodka quote)
________The first thing I look for in a girl is creative Facebook Statuses..
________Stay away from the woman who doesn't have at least five pillows on her bed.. She's a dude! (dude quote)
________If you find someone really special don't tell them because you will probably end up ruining them once they find out  (funny life quote)
________Whenever 2 people are off sick on the same day, I start rumors that they're having an affair together cause work is boring and screw coworkers !  (funny coworker affair status)
________My neighbor's kid is at that age where he does annoying things,like breathe (Annoying neighbor quote)
________Sure, I'd love to help the homeless people,i just dont know where they live.... (homeless quote)
________The biggest mistake girls make is thinking they're in love with the poet when they're really in love with the poem.. (Awesome nice love poem poet quote)
________I bought some drugs on the internet that they say make you live forever. Well I must say its working wonders so far  (stupid quote)
________You questioned my intentions. When all the while, I was laughing internally, because I already know them. :)  (funny intentions quote)

________there are two kinds of women on facebook. The kind that look decent and the kind I like (funny Facebook quote)
________The U.S. Department of Education announced today that 2 of 3 students do badly in grammar, but the other half are doing good in maths  (funny bad grammar math quote)
________My boss said I was acting like a baby and getting on her nerves today... I said "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"...  (funny boss quotes)
________Dear people who post pictures of cats and type in a way that gives them that lame-a** accent that you think is cute. Stop it. Stop it now.  (sarcastic quote)
________There's nothing quit like having a co-worker hold your beer... while you piss out their windows during the carpool on the way to work.
________Ok listen ladies.....we love you.....but please don't call when u know I'm watching football and expect me to talk to you!!!!  (funny football quote)
________If you have looked for the like button in an email message, you need an intervention.  (funny intervention quote)
________Statistically, only half of the things I have to do I always delay till a later time......so u could say I'm a semi-procrastinator
________I make it a rule to never answer calls from a number I don't know and then spend the rest of the day wondering who it was and what they wanted.. (funny anonymous calls)
________There needs to be a class on how to take a mirror photo without looking at your phone, because apparently it's an issue for a lot of you..  (funny mirror photo quote status)
________I don't want to be one of those people who's on his death bed and says "I wish I would have spent more time on the Facebook!" (funny Facebook addiction quotes)
________I really think I could get a lot for myself on the black market if someone would just tell me where it is, dammit. (funny black market quotes)
________I was on a plane last week and the flight attendant asked "Would you like some headphones?". I said "Sure miss, but my name is Eddie, not phones".  (funny air hostess quote)
________‎I always think about my ex.....whenever I hit a speed bump..... (funny ex quotes)
________Instructions: 1. Drink some beers 2. Write some posts 3. Go to bed  4. Wake up 5. Delete some posts (funny instruction status)
________I am really pissed that the doctor had to amputate my pinky toes due to diabetes. I am definitely lack toes intolerant.  (funny diabetes quote)
________They say blood is thicker than water but sometimes I swear some family members are taking blood thinners!
________My friend was just telling me that he thinks I am too stupid at times...I said well yea...let's see who's stupid.."If u can guess how many doughnuts I have in my bag u can have both of them" (short joke)
________I've got the ignorance part covered. Now where is all of this bliss people have been telling me about? (ignorance quote)
________It's cute how some of you pretend to be friends..  (funny friends quote)
________Mental Note: Women don't find the word "Rapealicious" to be a compliment...... (funny compliment quote)
________My ex-girlfriend liked my comment on a mutual friend's status.. Way to make it so obvious that she still wants me!  (funny girlfriend quote)
________Is a real gentleman, why just yesterday I took the dishes out of the sink before I peed in it  (funny gentleman quotes)
________No I do not want to watch your sister's wrestling match, but I'd love to see her box.
________I was watching women's softball on TV last night and I was very interested in the batter's box. (funny tv quotes)
________I'd pay to see the New Kids on the Block/Backstreet Boys Tour if they beat each other bloody with the members of NSync.
________This morning I told my neighbors they needed to buy a new bed. 
________Sometimes I love Japanese food and other times I hate it. I'm very tempura-mental  (funny Japanese food quote)
________Just heard that apple has developed a new informant device for the police......I hear they are going to call it the 'iWitness' (funny quotes about Apple Inc)
________I am not a narcissist! I swear to you on my mirror!  (narcissist quotes)
________If you're a heavy drinker, then you should read the novel, "Wait Till Your Liver Fails" by Hope Udai  (funny Hope quotes)
________One thing I'll never understand is how anyone could ever hurt a child or not like my status. :p (funny Facebook status)
________Hey! In case you don't see or hear from me in awhile, it is because there was a "Where in the hell have you been all night?" note left on the door. So I think I am in a little trouble....maybe. (funny door notes)
________Do you know what I just found out? I found out my new neighbors don't like me singing in the front yard at 3:30 in the morning.  (funny singing quote status)
________I have a feeling I would be more successful had I worked harder, invested wisely and had rich parents to inherit from  (funny hard working quotes)
________pretending to fake a stroke is an easiest way out of your moms' sight when drunk.. But getting disgonsed for mental illness isnt what i was looking for.. I knew returning home drunk was a bad idea!! (bad funny sick ideas)
________i want to go back in time and kill the guy who said ''i am done enough of being drunk and fun over the weekend.. lets go on work on monday".  (funny monday quotes)
________The other day, I was on a date with a really hot model. We had dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed. (funny dating quotes status)
________I can't afford to go on a vacation. So, I just get really drunk and forget where I am.  (funny vacation quote)


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Bunch of Short Funny Jokes

_____if your hotness caused global warming.. I am the reasoning for The Big Bang..!!!

            (joke about global warming, Big Bang Jokes)

_____While performing magic I asked a woman what her favorite card is,

 her reply, "Ummmm...a credit card?!!?"

            (jokes about women and credit cards)

_____‎‎''Hi, I'd like a dog please''

 ''male or female?'' 

   B!tch, please.

     (B!tch Please Jokes)

_____This hot girl at work is flirting with me like crazy but I'm married.

 Do I do the right thing...   or do I tell her I'm married?

            (joke about hot girls, Marriage jokes)

_____Mondays are crap. 

Tuesdays are too. 

Oh Dear Weekend, How I miss you.

           (short jokes about Mondays)

_____It's so beautiful outside. I just went out and stared at a junebug for like 20 minutes......

Then I yelled ,

"ITS ONLY MARCH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE ALREADY!"

 I hope I didn't make it cry.

           (Funny March Jokes)

_____My wife says I'm too immature and that I never listen to her. . . 

Maybe that's what she say still, I couldn't hear so well with me watching pokemon 13 on cartoon network

             (Funny Wife Jokes)

_____I am so angry. I was hired as a Walmart greeter last week; not only have they fired me they have refused to pay me AND reimburse me for the mileage that I have racked up driving around the country saying, 

"Saying Hello to ALL the Walmarts..

            (Funny Walmart Jokes)

_____When someone is leaving and they say,

 "I gotta run!"

 I always reply with, 

"Aww, cuz you're fat, huh?"

 Then we have a good laugh... unless they're fat.

            (Joke about Being Fat)

_____Well, I'm off to the eye doctor. I know there's a joke in here somewhere... I just can't see it.

           (short jokes about Doctors)

_____So as I went to school and got in class this morning i started to take notes.....when.........my high school teacher surprisingly looked at me at said 

"Jazz what the hell are you doing here, didn't you graduate over 10 years ago...and go put on some pants u sick bastard"

            (High School Jokes, College Humor Jokes)

______Her: Can we talk?

 Me: Both of us? Or do you talk and I look like I'm paying attention? 

 Her: I hate you.

 Me: Let's talk about that.

             (Shortest Hilarious Joke)

_____Bahahaha - represents a laugh you tried to suppress

 Mawhawhaw - represents a diabolical laugh

 He he he - represents a mischievous laugh

 Ha Ha Ha - represents s hearty laugh

 Tee hee- don't use this unless you are an elderly lady

 hahahahahaha - machine gun laugh (obnoxious)  Learn to use the correct laugh.

              (Laugh Jokes)

______i am in the hospital.. can u please come with 12 beers.. coz the waiting area is boring and am too lazy to get a few by myself..!!  

also, the security took away my weed.. 

              (Weed Jokes)

______WIFE: HEY, BABE ITS RAINING.

 ME: SO WHAT ?. THE F**K YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT ?.

              (Jokes about Raining)

_____I parked my car in a disabled parking space today and a security guy shouted 

"Hey you! what's your disability?" 

I said..

"Tourettes! Now fugg off from here you piece of sh!tt!"

            (Funny Parking Jokes)

_____Finally got around to checking my e-mails from last week,and one was an ad which said "Earn money,call me",

so I called the number,and it said 

"Get a job you f**kin bum"

            (funny Joke about Junk Email and Work)

_____She said 

" where have u been all my life "

 over in the bushes with binoculars was probably not the answer she was expecting

            (Jokes about Stalkers and Stalking)

_____It hurts my feelings when no one responds to my posts. 

What do I have to do, come up with a good one?

_____My math teacher admitted to growing up on coke.  It's ok, I like Pepsi. :)

           (Joke about Coke and Pepsi)

_____ I walked into work wearing one white and one black shoe this morning....

the boss said I looked ridiculous and should go get another pair......

he went livid when I told him I only had two pair of shoes n the ones at home were also black and white

            (joke about Boss)

_____Son: Mom, can I use the Internet now.

 Mom: No, you have to wait, whose paying for this anyway?

 Son: You...

 Mom: No, the neighbors! But I put a lot of hard work in to hacking their internet service, so you just have to wait.

           (Internet Jokes)